Coping with excessive solitude

[Independent]

I'm an introvert, too. I appreciate the thread.

I read one of these books, probably the first one: Amazon.com: introvert: Books

It reminded me that there is nothing inherently "wrong" with spending most of your time alone.
We have a culture that says "You've spent the last __ Saturday nights at home, time to get out!".
But, we never hear "You've spent the last __ Saturday nights out, time to stay in!"
That doesn't mean the culture is right.

I tried one of the service clubs (Lions/Optimists/Kiwanis) after retirement. I enjoyed meeting the members, the regular meetings, and the service projects. I wasn't big on "social" events. I did recognize after a while that many of the members were close friends outside the club, but they weren't clique-ish in the events I enjoyed. I dropped out due to family commitments, not because I was disappointed in the club.

 

[Major Tom]

Very interesting thread - thank you Sojourner for starting it. I have to nip down the road to get a back x-ray, feed the neighborhood cat, and buy some fish, but I will be returning to read every post here in detail.

No matter how introverted anyone in this thread says they are, I bet I have you all beat

 

[O2Bfree]

Another introvert here, and a thumbs up on the gym as a social outlet. I'm still working, and go to the gym before work. Most of the people I talk to there are retired or homemakers, and socializing seems to be on par with exercising as a reason to come.

Occasionally, I hit the gym on a weekend morning, and it's great to visit with my gym buds without having to watch the clock. These "workouts" can go 2-1/2+ hours! It's a fine way to spend a rainy Saturday morning, and I look forward to doing it during the week.

 

[Senator]

I looked back at your first thread, it appears you have a decent sum of money to spend, although not extravagant.

Hitting the gym is a great suggestion by others. If you do not have a significant other, join a dating club.

There are also bars you can go to, but that might lead to a different issue. Some bars are more fun than others, you just have to figure out which type of excitement you want. As long as you can cope in a bar, that is a great way to mingle too.

Be a volunteer at the VA Hospital, zoo, animal shelter, etc. You will get to know people there.

It really depends on your goals. Some people are happy to read a book and watch TV by themselves. Others need more social interaction.

You can also get a bunch of online friends, but they are not as good as the real thing.

 

[easysurfer]

Sounds a bit like an oxymoron. That is, being introverted, but yet craving the human contact. I'm more on the introverted side and treasure my solitude, especially at my own place. There are times I really enjoy the company when out, but at the end of the day, I like the quiet time for some introspection.

 

[Sunset]

................It really depends on your goals. Some people are happy to read a book and watch TV by themselves. Others need more social interaction.

You can also get a bunch of online friends, but they are not as good as the real thing.

I'm constantly reminded of the ad on tv of the girl sitting by herself explaining its so sad her parents do nothing (as they are outside biking) while she has hundreds of "friends" online.

 

[Sunset]

Sounds a bit like an oxymoron. That is, being introverted, but yet craving the human contact. I'm more on the introverted side and treasure my solitude, especially at my own place. There are times I really enjoy the company when out, but at the end of the day, I like the quiet time for some introspection.

Its really probably a continuum like light wavelengths and we just arbitrarily declare a point as the difference between things.

 

[razztazz]

Is it a problem?

My 'epiphany', if you can call it that, is that I have very limited social energy, but that that's perfectly ok. I realized that my biggest problem wasn't or isn't going out and having a more active social life, but more on accepting those limits and working with them. Fighting those limits is not productive. Don't be at war with yourself. Read the manual, stick to the specs of your system.

Seconded. That was my epiphany too. I was never good at that "social" thing because I never really wanted it in the first place. I just thought I did. And not even that. I just thought it would be a good maneuver and that's why I wanted it.

 

[Birchwood]

I am by nature an introvert. I fondly called myself a" mountain lion". However when I retired I read about changing my ways a little bit in order to take the place of social interaction that I had from work. I also have to change my attitude. I'm used to being the boss, telling people, commanding and ordering folks to do their job, and getting a quick response almost all the time. I have to learn how to do small talks, fine greetings, and praise, thanks, and be more vocal. It took some time. I go to the gym every morning. I go to the public library in the afternoons to do financial readings, and I joined a camera club. I e-mailed and visited family. I read about lonely men or women who too often die alone in an apartment in NY. Although my situation is different, it convinced me to be more social.

 

[jjquantz]

Church would be an exceedingly difficult way for me to "find quality friends", because (a) I no longer believe the tenets of the church I was raised in and (b) I thrive on having diversity among my friends.

A slightly different viewpoint here. DW and I have sung in church choirs for almost 30 years even though I am a fervent NONbeliever and she is, at best, extremely doubtful on the whole organized religion thing. We do enjoy the musical history of the church and I have a bit of an "anthropological" interest in the cultural continuity provided by the church. I don't take communion and I don't recite the various communal prayers. My fellow tenors have dubbed my place in the choir loft "atheist corner". By going to church I have increased the diversity of my circle of friends, outside of church my closest friends are also non-believers.

 

[frayne]

FWIW the ball is in your court, if you want to have a social life you have to put yourself out there in some form or the other. In this day and age with the internet there is no excuse for not finding those with similar interests. I'm not a social animal by any means but I retired at 54 and moved 500 miles south where I only knew my son and DIL. Through the last ten years I have made many friends by doing part time work, volunteer work, playing golf, photography and riding my motorcycle. The world is your onion my friend, slice and dice it as you see fit.

 

[razztazz]

FWIW the ball is in your court, if you want to have a social life you have to put yourself out there in some form or the other. In this day and age with the internet there is no excuse for not finding those with similar interests. I'm not a social animal by any means but I retired at 54 and moved 500 miles south where I only knew my son and DIL. Through the last ten years I have made many friends by doing part time work, volunteer work, playing golf, photography and riding my motorcycle. The world is your onion my friend, slice and dice it as you see fit.

HA! You sound like the type who settles quicker than a castor oil addict takes a dump. I cannot say for sure but just because you call them friends doesn't mean they are friends. Not everybody has that low a threshold. That's what this thread is about. Interests? Well, that's part of it but the deal killer is always the person behind the interest. I have interests and have belonged to groups but I didn't magically love and be loved by all those people because we all had a similar interest. Like hard work in any other endeavor. You can certainly try but it doesn't have to pay off.

Work. Volunteering. Golf. Motorcycling. Plumbing. Bee keeping. Running marathons. Archery. Fencing. Just to meet a kindred spirit or two? Anything that requires that much g/d work isn't worth having.

 

[frayne]

HA! You sound like the type who settles quicker than a castor oil addict takes a dump. I cannot say for sure but just because you call them friends doesn't mean they are friends. Not everybody has that low a threshold. That's what this thread is about. Interests? Well, that's part of it but the deal killer is always the person behind the interest. I have interests and have belonged to groups but I didn't magically love and be loved by all those people because we all had a similar interest. Like hard work in any other endeavor. You can certainly try but it doesn't have to pay off.

Work. Volunteering. Golf. Motorcycling. Plumbing. Bee keeping. Running marathons. Archery. Fencing. Just to meet a kindred spirit or two? Anything that requires that much g/d work isn't worth having.

Different strokes for different folks, I have only a few close friends, probably less than six that I would trust to have my back if I needed it. Any friendship is only as good as what you put in it. It's not a question of threshold, it is a question of trust and integrity. So sorry if you haven't experienced either in your life. Again your life is what you make it, sorry about yours. Not here to pass judgement just stating my life experience and two cents.

 

[Rustic23]

I don't have the problem, but, my BIL in his mid 50s started going to his local Starbucks in the morning.Soon he was involved with others, slightly older, doing the morning coffee and paper thing. Not sure but I think it takes up two or three hours some mornings. He also got involved with several groups like HOA and doing some volunteer work. Works for him.

 

[Sojourner]

OP here, just wanting to say thanks for all the really insightful comments and suggestions and anecdotes. To clarify the whole "introvert" thing, I am definitely more on the introverted side of the spectrum, but I do have some need for human contact on a semi-regular basis. What I don't really want or enjoy is regular contact with large groups of "strangers". I much prefer hanging out with close friends, maybe just once or twice a week even. My fundamental dilemma is figuring out how to make more of these kinds of friends (need to get out and meet more people, obviously) so that I have options whenever the urge strikes me to be social.

Anyway, a lot of food for thought thanks to all the insightful posts.

 

[Sojourner]

Don't you have significant other? Partner in crime? Soulmate? Seems like the obvious remedy but that may be just me.

Nope, don't have one of those currently, although I'm trying. For whatever reason, I've had pretty awful luck in the romance department my whole life, but I'm doing my best to keep my chin up and continue the search!

 

[travelover]

Church would be an exceedingly difficult way for me to "find quality friends", because (a) I no longer believe the tenets of the church I was raised in and (b) I thrive on having diversity among my friends.

I'm not at all religious, but easily made friends at a Unitarian church. You can basically believe anything there and no one gives you any hassle.

 

[Meadbh]

I'm not at all religious, but easily made friends at a Unitarian church. You can basically believe anything there and no one gives you any hassle.

Thank you for the suggestion. But I'm just not comfortable with organized religion.

 

[easysurfer]

Thank you for the suggestion. But I'm just not comfortable with organized religion.

I think there is a big difference between being religious and spiritual. One can be very spirtual but stay away from religion or very religious but not spirtual. I also know of some who are atheist, in a fanatical way. A lot of variations, I guess.

I know, sort of drifted off the original thread of solitude .

 

[travelover]

Thank you for the suggestion. But I'm just not comfortable with organized religion.

Oh, they are very disorganized.

 

[Meadbh]

Oh, they are very disorganized.

 

[Major Tom]

I think nearly all people (and probably everyone in this forum) need some social contact - no matter how introverted, shy or grumpy we are We just differ in the amount.

Although I did have same-sex friends when I was younger, that has dwindled as I have aged (I'm now 51) and now my only close friend is my SO. She's not my girlfriend, and we drive each other nuts if we spend too much time together but for where I'm at in my life, it seems to work reasonably well. I do have one or two other people I can talk to about problems and personal issues, but she is my main buddy and companion. We speak on the phone every day, and see each other once or twice a week. That is enough for me.

I've heard people say that having very few friends is a risky business, as if you lose the few relationships you have, you have little left. That's true, but the people who say things like that are usually extroverts (or reasonably sociable introverts), for whom socializing and making friends comes more easily, and is something they naturally want to do. Having more than a very, very small close social circle would put my circuits into overload, and probably trigger off some combination of social anxiety and old-retired-man-grumpiness I'm just way happier with one close friend, and a fair amount of casual social interaction. Any more is too much for me. I'd rather risk losing the very few friends I have and have to go through a period of loneliness than suffer the excruciating tedium of having to cultivate more friends than I want or need. I am not by any means a misanthrope - I think people are fine. I'd just prefer, for the most part, to observe them from a distance.

I get to talk to lots of locals when I sit outside and feed the neighborhood cat every day. I enjoy talking to my neighbors, and people in the places I shop at. I had a lovely chat and a laugh with the X-ray technician who X-rayed my back this afternoon. Yesterday, a great chat with the proprietor of my local bicycle store. When I'm done with my errands though, I like to go home, maybe talk to my SO on the phone, make dinner, and hang out with the cats. To some it might be dull, but this life is wonderful for me.

Sojourner - sorry I don't have any tips for you, but I think others have already contributed in that regard. You'll find your own level, I'm sure. Just give it time.

 

[redduck]

HA! You sound like the type who settles quicker than a castor oil addict takes a dump.

razztazz: You might have accidently hit upon a solution to your never-ending quest for a social outlet: join a castor oil addiction group. As I understand it, CO groups have become quite popular. Apparently, they meet in the morning, afternoons and evenings (for those who work). There are even groups for the Adult Children of Castor Oil Addicts. So, if that's you, you're gonna' fit right in.

 

[Bestwifeever]

If castor oil comes from castor beans, what does baby oil come from?

 

[NW-Bound]

I consider myself an introvert, and have only two real friends I still keep in contact. One is a childhood friend, and the other a friend from work for more than 30 years. And being in contact is we exchange emails maybe twice a year, and meet in person once every 2 or 3 years as they are out-of-town.

However, I have my wife, offsprings and relatives in town. I do need some human contact, and it does not have to be with friends. If I were by myself, I might find a way to make friends in real life instead of just on this forum.

I think nearly all people (and probably everyone in this forum) need some social contact - no matter how introverted, shy or grumpy we are We just differ in the amount.

When I first got into RV'ing, I searched for RV'er blogs to learn about this mode of travel. Then, I found several bloggers who are RV full-timers, many single men or women who spend much time in solitude in the boondocks. But when looking for a space to camp, the first thing they do is making sure that they have a good cell signal to get Internet access, because that is the link to their friends, mostly other RV'ers. They do meet occasionally a couple of times a year.

So, nobody becomes a Robinson Crusoe by choice.