Do you favor one kid over another?

[msully76]

We have two grown children and we have always told them that that the day I have to start keeping score to make sure the other doesn't feel badly will be the day that we are all in trouble. For those of you children that feel slighted by your parents giving more to a sibling than you, get over it. For those who feel their parents shouldn't move closer to another sibling, how could you possibly be more selfish? For the one who posted that they couldn't move closer to either one of their children, I feel sorry for you and the time you may miss with one of your children and grandchildren. As a parent of two I will always do my best to help my children whenever possible but there is a limit. My youngest, 23 years old and a recent college grad, is still living with us as we prepare to downsize and move into a condo to get ready for ER. There may not be enough room for him to move with us but it is time for him to join the real adult world and I don't feel badly at all. I know it may sound harsh but if we continue to enable this generation what will they be like with our grandchildren?

 

[boilerman]

We have two grown children and we have always told them that that the day I have to start keeping score to make sure the other doesn't feel badly will be the day that we are all in trouble.

If that means you intend to blatantly favor one child over another, then you might be knee-deep in trouble sooner than you think. Anyone having read this thread could learn about the hurt that can be caused when parents act without regard for the other children's feelings. If fact, I believe my own parents have recited those very same words as yours above!

Sounds like at least your youngest child is 23 and still single? And does your oldest have a family yet? I think these kind of issues get magnified once the kids get married and start having grandkids.

I recommend you read through the posts again with an open mind and try to gain a better understanding of the issues involved. If not, you might end up like mine so many other families - torn apart and never the same.

 

[Keopele]

You know a post on this forum is thought provoking when all the "big hitters" weigh in. I don't have any kids yet, but was raised with a brother in and out of the house; he committed suicide when I was 18. I have wondered in the past whether favortism played any part....not necessarily with money, but I had an easier early childhood than him (parents divorced when I was 4, he was 8 and more effected)...so as we grew older, he had a more difficult time with life and I may have gotten a DIFFERENT kind of support that he might have longed for. Of course, you ponder every possible question for answers....and they never come. All aside, my GF has two kids that may one day become my step-kids. If we choose to have a child, this topic may naturally surface, although I will try to never let it as I love her kids dearly. Thank you for not only this post, but for all that make me think on a different level. This is not just a FIRE communty, and I hope it always remains the same..

 

[msully76]

Boilerman: No I don't intend to blatantly favor one of my kids over another. They both will continue to get whatever help they need within reason. I have put both through college and have given them financial help whenever needed. My daughter has started a successful carreer as a speech pathologist and my son is interviewing for jobs. He lives with us rent free and hopefully will be employed soon and able to find his own appartment.

 

[FIREd]

Officially, my parents have a rule: whatever they give to my sister, they give to me and vice versa. We get the same amount of money for birthdays and Xmas, they paid equivalent amounts in college tuitions for both my sister and me, etc... It works... most of the time... well sometimes...
My sister lives 1.5 miles away from my parents and I live 4,500 miles away. So when I am not around my sister get a number of "gifts" that I don't get. She got to "buy" my parents' three year old car (she told me she paid $1800 for it when it was worth about $8000, but according to my parents "she paid full price"). She gets new tires when she needs them. My parents offered her to rent one of their rentals for half the amount they would normally charge (Though my parents told me she would pay full rent. she ended up refusing the offer). My parents also buy a lot of food and toys/clothes for my sister's family. My parents' lies and omissions show they feel a bit guilty about the situation IMHO.
But I don't mind too much. 1) my sister doers not have the means that I do. and 2) I don't envy her dealing with the parents on almost a daily basis. Because I know that all those extra gifts she receives come at a cost. Even though my parents are still young, they are demanding and living close to them definitely comes with obligations. They call on her all the time to come help them do things. That car she paid so little for is often used to run errands on their behalf. And she has to spend significant amouts of time with them every weekend. As they get older, she will have to spend even more time taking care of them. I don't envy her at all.

My wife and I live right down the street from my MIL while her other kids live 300-500 miles away. She moved next to us, because she felt closer to my wife than to any of my wife's siblings. She does not give my wife more gifts or money than her siblings, but she told us that my wife will get the majority of her estate upon her death. Her siblings I am sure will find that extremely unfair. But, My wife and I spend a lot of time (10-12 hours per WEEK) helping her mom while her siblings' only worry is to make sure they call on her birthday and major holidays.

 

[youbet]

But I don't mind too much. 1) my sister doers not have the means that I do. and 2) I don't envy her dealing with the parents on almost a daily basis. Because I know that all those extra gifts she receives come at a cost.........

My wife and I live right down the street from my MIL while her other kids live 300-500 miles away......she told us that my wife will get the majority of her estate upon her death. Her siblings I am sure will find that extremely unfair. But, My wife and I spend a lot of time (10-12 hours per WEEK) helping her mom while her siblings' only worry is to make sure they call on her birthday and major holidays.

How can you "not mind too much" in regard to your parents giving a few token benefits to your sister yet think it's completely fair for your MIL to favor your DW? In both cases, the receiver of the so-called favored treatment won that treatment by "paying the dues" of being geographly close to the parents, helping out, etc.

It would seem you'd be completely happy with Sis getting some favored treatment after giving so much to Mom and Dad just as your DW will apparently be getting favored treatment for doing the same.

 

[youbet]

Boilerman: No I don't intend to blatantly favor one of my kids over another. They both will continue to get whatever help they need within reason. I have put both through college and have given them financial help..........

I think you have a realistic attitude. There is no way to pass out treats where all will be happy. I managed large numbers of hourly employees for many years. The biggest lesson I learned was that nothing, I mean absolutely nothing, will piss off people more than leaving them out when passing out treats! Example: one supervisor dismisses a team one hour early the day before a holiday. The other supervisor must retain his/her team to make key deliveries to a customer commitment. Result = REVOLUTION! Really, really difficult situations to manage! Apparantly there is an analogy to passing out mom and dad's time and money (especially the MONEY!!!) to the kiddies.

I've been a little suprised at some of the posters who seem to feel they have an entitlement to a percentage of the folks' assets and feel that the folks' hands should be tied in regard to how they want to see things distributed. I'm sure in each case there is a long history and lots of baggage that isn't being told, and so be it. Or maybe it's just human nature, as referenced above.

I haven't noticed any posts regarding complaints from care-giving kids who feel slighted because mom and dad give just as much to the siblings who live far away, have more $$$ and don't make an effort to help mom and dad. You know....... Sissy lives in mom and dad's town and drives them around, monitors their finances, goes to the doctor with them, etc. Yet, mom and dad give Sissy no more than two foot loose and fancy free brothers living far away who never visit and seldom even call........ No "care-giving Sissies" getting ripped off by getting no more than "could care less" siblings?

I also haven't noticed any complaints from kids who are allowed to give more $$$ to mom and dad than siblings are allowed to give. That's the case we're in here with my MIL. The old lady counts on our regualar contributions but tells DW's younger brothers that she's fine and please, don't send money! Mom's attitude is left over from the families ethnic culture where the oldest girl was "mommy's little helper." I'm just glad we can afford it and it's no big deal. Other than that, MIL is a pretty nice ole lady!

 

[boilerman]

Officially, my parents have a rule: whatever they give to my sister, they give to me and vice versa. We get the same amount of money for birthdays and Xmas, they paid equivalent amounts in college tuitions for both my sister and me, etc... It works... most of the time... well sometimes...
My sister lives 1.5 miles away from my parents and I live 4,500 miles away. So when I am not around my sister get a number of "gifts" that I don't get. She got to "buy" my parents' three year old car (she told me she paid $1800 for it when it was worth about $8000, but according to my parents "she paid full price"). She gets new tires when she needs them. My parents offered her to rent one of their rentals for half the amount they would normally charge (Though my parents told me she would pay full rent. she ended up refusing the offer). My parents also buy a lot of food and toys/clothes for my sister's family. My parents' lies and omissions show they feel a bit guilty about the situation IMHO.

Your parent's behavior is similar to mine and can serve as a good example for what parents need to be careful of to avoid these problems. When we were children, my parents were also very careful about providing all 3 kids the same kind of opportunities and in general being fair about gifts, etc.

After we became adults and had families of our own, they starting doing most of the things you mention for my brother's family (selling a car at a fraction of the real value, buying all their groceries...) My guess is that parents don't see this as blatantly showing favortism as they would sending more money to a child for their birthday. And if this develops over a period of months or years, it probably happens so subtlety they have a hard time recognizing it.

Parents can respond by saying that they can damn well do whatever they please, but they risk alienating the remainder of the family. And don't think it could never happen to your family because it could.

 

[FIREd]

It would seem you'd be completely happy with Sis getting some favored treatment after giving so much to Mom and Dad just as your DW will apparently be getting favored treatment for doing the same.

Isn't it exactly what I said? I said that my sister deserved a more favored treatment because she takes care of my folks. What else you want from me?

 

[youbet]

Isn't it exactly what I said? I said that my sister deserved a more favored treatment because she takes care of my folks. What else you want from me?

Oh......sorry......I thought you said "But I don't mind too much." I took that literally. I guess you meant to say "But I don't mind at all." Gotcha now!

And, IMHO, great attitude on your part!

 

[FIREd]

Parents can respond by saying that they can damn well do whatever they please, but they risk alienating the remainder of the family. And don't think it could never happen to your family because it could.

I would never complain to my parents that they favor my sister over me (as I said I don't envy my sister's situation). I understand this is their money and that they can spend it however they want to. I understand I have no claim on that money whatsoever. This is why I am building my own wealth and don't count on their money to FIRE (though it would help tremendously as I found out during the holidays. If I were to inherit half their estate I would be able to FIRE immediately).

 

[FIREd]

Oh......sorry......I thought you said "But I don't mind too much." I took that literally. I guess you meant to say "But I don't mind at all." Gotcha now!

Well that's just the way I speak. When I eat something good, I never say "it's good", I say "it's not bad". If a feel really good, and someone asks how I feel, I never say "great", I say "OK". So I wouldn't say "I don't mind at all" (which is really what I meant), I would say "I don't mind too much". Gotta thank my father for that. It drives my mom crazy.

 

[youbet]

Parents can respond by saying that they can damn well do whatever they please.

There's a lot of distance between "damn well do whatever they please" and not being able to get the MONEY (or other assets) distributed exactly equally. Some of the examples, such as the folks selling a car at a discount to a kid that will use it to do errands for the folks, hardly seem blatantly unfair.......

I'm all for providing parental unconditional love and nurturing to all the kids and grandkids in near-equal proportions. But, you seem to have a fixation on the monetary side of things. You mentioned in an earlier post you were comfortable using MONEY as the yardstick of parental devotion because it's measureable. Are you taking this too far? Perhaps too much of a quantitative background from your years in West Layfayette?

Let me ask you, if your folks called and said they'd like to move across country to your neighborhood and spend lots of time being involved with you and your family, would you welcome that? If in the ensuing years your folks required some effort from you and the family due to geezer issues, would you do that unconditionally? Would you feel you should receive some compensation for that if they had the money and could afford it?

Not trying to be argumentative with you boilerman, but it does seem you have a tendancy to measure mom and dads love in $$$ and I wonder if you need to think about that a little, perhaps over a cold one at Harry's Chocolate Shoppe. I'm not saying you're actually that way, just that you seem to be coming across a little that way.

 

[youbet]

Well that's just the way I speak. When I eat something good, I never say "it's good", I say "it's not bad". If a feel really good, and someone asks how I feel, I never say "great", I say "OK". So I wouldn't say "I don't mind at all" (which is really what I meant), I would say "I don't mind too much". Gotta thank my father for that. It drives my mom crazy.

You from Minnesota? I've noticed everyone in Lake Wobegon likes to use terms like "not bad" and other forms of understatement.

BTW, "A Prarie Home Companion" starts in 19 minuntes!

 

[FIREd]

You from Minnesota? I've noticed everyone in Lake Wobegon likes to use terms like "not bad" and other forms of understatement.

BTW, "A Prarie Home Companion" starts in 19 minuntes!

Nope, not from Minnesota, but from an equally cold place...

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Has anyone said "From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs" yet?

 

[LRS]

In my family the inequalities started when the kids became teens and yup, the most disfunctional kids got the most money, time, free babysitting, etc.

The same year I started college, my pregnant sister dropped out of high school and married her (oaf) boyfriend. My parents paid for a lavish wedding and gifts, and helped the young family out with loans. When I timidly suggested they contribute to my college expenses, my parents said "college is frivolous; getting married and starting a family is important." Later on they spent more money bailing my brother out of jail. I couldn't get a support for college, but my bro could get them to cosign for a car. That is when I saw my priorities and my family's had diverged.

I did get married later (after finishing college and getting a good job) and paid for the wedding myself. My parents gave me a check for $100. When my other sister finally married the father of her two illegitimate children, my parents paid for the wedding and bought several gifts.

And so it went. It took me a long time to get over the hurt. I am now truly glad that I was forced to be financially independent, and to achieve whatever I wanted on my own. My sibs' lives have been trainwrecks. I wouldn't trade with them for anything.

I am using my parents as an object lesson as I raise my own kids ... NO favoritism.

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Sounds like your parents knew exactly how to treat you so you'd become the most successful.

JOHNNY CASH LYRICS - A Boy Named Sue

 

[boilerman]

There's a lot of distance between "damn well do whatever they please" and not being able to get the MONEY (or other assets) distributed exactly equally. Some of the examples, such as the folks selling a car at a discount to a kid that will use it to do errands for the folks, hardly seem blatantly unfair.......

Every situation is different. In mine, my parents basically gave a car to my brother (and then lied about it) to be used by their granddaughter. My parents have not entered geezerdom yet and do not need any help, so our situation is a little different.

I'm all for providing parental unconditional love and nurturing to all the kids and grandkids in near-equal proportions. But, you seem to have a fixation on the monetary side of things. You mentioned in an earlier post you were comfortable using MONEY as the yardstick of parental devotion because it's measureable. Are you taking this too far? Perhaps too much of a quantitative background from your years in West Layfayette?

It's a fair question...but I can honestly say that I don't really want any money at all from my parents. I mentioned earlier that I felt uncomfortable with the prospect of them giving me their share of a condo sale we had split. Our family problems started because of what the family members felt was unfairness of the time and money the parents were doling out. And since money is easily measured, it becomes the easiest way to explain it to others without providing 25 years of family history.

Let me ask you, if your folks called and said they'd like to move across country to your neighborhood and spend lots of time being involved with you and your family, would you welcome that?

YES

If in the ensuing years your folks required some effort from you and the family due to geezer issues, would you do that unconditionally? Would you feel you should receive some compensation for that if they had the money and could afford it?

Realizing that I have not had to face that yet, my answer would be that yes I would be willing to help out unconditionally. Does a child deserve some sort of compensation for that help if the parents could afford it? I would not expect it myself but I would not resent it if either my brother or sister received compensation for care-taking. In my mind, we've veered off to a different topic entirely now. A parent paying a child for care-giving is not showing favoritism, they are simply paying for services rendered.

Not trying to be argumentative with you boilerman, but it does seem you have a tendancy to measure mom and dads love in $$$ and I wonder if you need to think about that a little, perhaps over a cold one at Harry's Chocolate Shoppe. I'm not saying you're actually that way, just that you seem to be coming across a little that way.

I can understand why you might think that. It's hard to condense 25 years of family background without boring the pants off of everyone who's not a member of the family.

But I am very proud of the fact that DW and myself have built a wonderful life together, including FI, without any help from our parents after we became adults. They did a wonderful job of providing me the opportunity of a fine education just down the street from Harry's Chocolate Shoppe and I would be pleased as punch if they left their entire estate to charity.

Let me repeat, that the interaction in this thread has done a lot to help both me and DW gain a better understanding of the parents' perspective and we are both well on our way to "getting over it" - defined as coming to terms with the fact that our relationship with our parents has changed now that we are adults, and that fairness is not really a term to be used in the same context (or maybe at all) as when we were little kids.

Still, as you can see from several other people's posts, this is potentially a very serious family issue that can cause much pain and suffering. I sensed in the post from MSSULLY76 earlier today the same kind of attitude my parents have and wanted to warn him of the potential dangers.

Although my initial intent when I started this thread was to help myself work through my own problem, my hope now is for other parents to see the dangers ahead as their kids become adults. I wouldn't wish our family problems on my worst enemy (as of today, my sister and her family are barely on speaking terms with my parents.) I hoping this dialog will help.

 

[haha]

I have no uissues here as a son; my parents were very fair.

But I am trying to learn about it as a father. Every life stage has lessons for us, and trying to be evenhanded with little kids, teenagers, and adult children is not quite the same process.

As Milan Kundera said, "This is the planet of inexperience." We do our best, and hope for the best. Every time I go to do anything that I can perceive as something that might be on my sons' radar, I try to imagine myself in each of their skins.

So far, I think it has gone well, because in spite of divorces,(mine and one of theirs) and differences in job progress and wealth, they are nevertheless very good friends with one another, and with me.

My parents are long dead, but the good relationships that I have with sibs are sustaining to me, so I am happy to see that my kids are getting set up for this lifetime satisfaction too.

Ha

 

[Martha]

You from Minnesota? I've noticed everyone in Lake Wobegon likes to use terms like "not bad" and other forms of understatement.

BTW, "A Prarie Home Companion" starts in 19 minuntes!

Not bad means good. Not half bad means excellent! Pretty good means bad. Interesting means terrible.

 

[youbet]

Not bad means good. Not half bad means excellent! Pretty good means bad. Interesting means terrible.

Of course......... Would you like ketchup with that? Those natural mellowing agents help calm frayed nerves when Mom and Dad are showing favoritism towards one of the kids....... Later, maybe a piece of rubarb pie? Not half bad!

 

[FIREd]

Of course......... Would you like ketchup with that? Those natural mellowing agents help calm frayed nerves when Mom and Dad are showing favoritism towards one of the kids....... Later, maybe a piece of rubarb pie? Not half bad!

Hum, that's interesting...

 

[youbet]

my hope now is for other parents to see the dangers ahead as their kids become adults. I wouldn't wish our family problems on my worst enemy

And we appreciate that!

The dynamics of family relationships are strange to behold, to say the least. Some anecdotal examples I've come across do agree with your experience that if parents show extreme favoritism, it's likely to bring on trouble between themselves and children or between siblings. Something to be avoided when possible.

Children cause some of the problems too. Horror stories of mom and dad rotting away unvisited in a medicaid nursing home while junior and sissy piss away the money they pryed away from them years ago abound. And junior and sissy's actions infuriate their siblings. Or children who know how to put mom and dad on a guilt trip if they don't help raise their grandkids. Or kids who start to explode with stress fretting over what their share of the inheritance will be........ It's certainly a road heavily planted with mines!

In the case of our extended family, I spend more time and money on my oldest grandson because he has cerebral palsy. While at first I thought of my involvement simply as me being part of a team that was doing whatever it takes to help him eventually be able to lead a "normal" life, I now realize that eventually this unequal distribution of my time and money will eventually cause problems. I should try to cut back and divert more resources to the others, but that's a difficult action to take.

 

[msully76]

Hi Boilerman,
In my job as educator I think I have seen it all rergarding family dinamics and I can say that nobody knows how they are going to respond until they are in a particular situation so don't let me or anyone else criticize the way you handle your situation. I will admit that my earlier post applies to very genral circumstances. It is obvious that there are variables beyond what you post so I can only say that you are the only one who can deternine if the way you deal with your children is fair. You need to feel compfortable with decisions you make. My earlier post is based on the fact that every year I see that my students are more and more entitled and we parents feel that if something goes wrong in their lives it must be our fault. I used to hate it when my father said " When I was a kid" but as I look at our the youth of our country it appears that we may be stuck with the same quote. Good luck.