Feelings of failure upon approaching semi-retirement

[travelover]

I've had these feelings. When I was w*rking, there was a point where I thought I would be demoted. Others around me already had been demoted and I could see their struggle to maintain their dignity. Accepting that would have been really hard in that environment.

Fortunately, when I retired, I had none of these feelings once I was clear of all the competitiveness of co-w*rkers. I felt like I'd won the game and that they were still in the crab pot.

 

[Letj]

Having overachieved all my life, any set back in my career or life would devastate me. Good luck and best wishes to your current situation.

Work on the that. There's much more to life than title, financial or material accomplishment. One's well-being should never be tied to status.

 

[David1961]

ER Eddie:

I think there is a serious problem in our society with people identifying themselves with their job. If you go to a party and you meet someone, probably the first question they ask is "What do you do?". I think this identifying with the jobs is one reason why some people die shortly after retiring - a major part of them does die when they retire.

You deserve credit for acknowledging these thoughts. I imagine after an adjustment period, things will improve significantly. You also might find it helpful to read a book such as "The Joy Of Not Working" by Zelinski. That's just one example that comes to mind. There are several other good books that can help with adjusting to retirement.

Good luck with everything and keep us posted!

 

[imoldernu]

Good subject... Interesting to see the memories and emotions come out.

I believe... that egos are built in to everyone, and a strong driver of our emotional well being. Ego is a personal thing, and mostly not even noticed by others. Self perception then often guides our actions.

O would some power the gift to give us to see ourselves as others see us. ~ Robert Burns.

Expectations... Whose expectations?... Mom and Dad? Spouse? Friend? or co-workers? Probably not as high as those we set for ourselves. And when were the highest expectations developed? School? Marriage? First job?

So... now the personal vignette that defines...

Hired, after the Army service, into what was the wrong kind of business, based on my education and interests. It was too easy for me, so meant promotion after promotion, with 9 family moves along the way. Next to last job was the peak of reasonable expectations... National Sales Manager in one of the largest corporations at the time. Big problem... the kind of business is a "hail fellow well met" politically correct in the management structure. Not the right place for a free thinker, or a creative spirit. I hired a younger assistant, who was much better than me at the personality part of the position. No intrigue, no back biting, but the President realized what was best for the company, and engineered a sideways slide for me, into a non-title job as "special projects manager". On the face of this, much sympathy from friends, and an initial emotional shock... again, to the ego...
A week of sulking... then a quick move into the most enjoyable and fulfilling few years of my employment. Hard work... bring it on!... Traveled all over the country... actual time traveling and w*rk, maybe 80 hours a week. A place to make my own rules, develop concepts, create internal teams and build new vistas.
With all of that, a low profile. Little adulation, except from top management.
Turns out that the entire division (part of one of the top five largest US corporations) was destined to be shut down completely. At the end, my last two years were spent as special project manager... (covert operation) to engineer the shutdown. Worked myself out of the job at age 49.
Short three years of creating my own business, with a hope of franchising it in a new field... Cancer scare, and decision to try to make it with our comparatively small savings at age 53.

Now, how does that fit in here? Well, I think it all comes down to self perception. In terms of money.. am probably in the bottom 5% of the members here. In terms of a resume, not particularly impressive. Public recognition? Not for the past 10 years and even then, not on boards of businesses or public entities. Except for a military presence at my funeral, and the possible mention in my obit of the years in scouts, SBA volunteer advisor, chamber of commerce in many towns, and my swimming career in H.S. and college... nothing of great note.

I do excel at one thng that no one else can top... I am 100% happy with my life. It comes from memories of the good times, and disregarding any negaives. Life gets better (and more precious) every day.

 

[Walt34]

It didn't bother me. Once I was in the position I wanted to be in I stopped taking promotional exams. Lessee, I was doing work that I thoroughly enjoyed, the hours I wanted, and the pay was fair for that area. Not great, but fair.

Get a promotion, go back to shift work of all hours with the attendant exhaustion, more overtime than I'd want, for a 5% pay increase? No thanks.

 

[ERhoosier]

Mixed feelings on moving on from any long-time endeavor, or any major life change, are common. Those feelings pass as folks get more involved in the next phase of their lives.
+1 on Zelinski's books.

 

[travelover]

....... If you go to a party and you meet someone, probably the first question they ask is "What do you do?"...........

As a mechanical engineer, my standard answer was always to tell people that I was a mechanic. It was fun to see them stammer, then condescend to me.

 

[WIBuckeye]

Drive past the corporate office and count the numbers of 6' high bronze statues of retired (or current) employees that are prominently displayed on the front lawn.

Couldn't agree more! I've seen several key executives at my MegaCorp pull the plug in the past couple of years and they are soon forgotten. In corporate America, it's all about "What have you done for me lately?" and you soon realize that everyone is replaceable. I have plateaued in my career as well but it is more of a personal decision as I don't want the 60+ hour work week for a 10% increase in pay. I am comfortable with my work-life balance and have about 8 years left to play the game until I semi-retire and relocate to a warmer climate. I'm not one who's ego is tied to work accomplishments so I'm enjoying the ride into the sunset

 

[David1961]

As a mechanical engineer, my standard answer was always to tell people that I was a mechanic. It was fun to see them stammer, then condescend to me.

When people ask me what I do, I've always wanted to tell people "I do whatever I want to do, I'm retired". But I've never been able to bring myself to answer that way. Would not be the best way to make a good first impression, but I'd love to see the expression on their faces!!

 

[David1961]

Can someone post that picture of a guy walking past a graveyard thinking Time = Money? That always puts things in perspective for me.

 

[truenorth418]

It's interesting reading these posts about feelings of inadequacy - many by people who have achieved financial independence at a very young age, something the vast majority of people never accomplish but would love to.

Maybe not surprising that people so goal oriented and focused feel a little lost once they've achieved their main goal.

 

[seraphim]

I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. To me, my job was a necessary means to several ends - the biggest being my early retirement. I won the game, now I'm in a better game - enjoying life with the woman I love, and being able to spend time with and financially assist when necessary, my grown son. We travel, take photographs and have quite a few people claim to live vicariously through our travels.

Not bad...

...for us or for you.

You've a whole new phase of your life ahead of you. Make it what you want it to be.

 

[John Galt III]

Yes, ER Eddie, I can relate to you, on the one hand. I have a general feeling of shame for "being a bum" since I am not working. I attribute the feeling to my parents raising us to work hard and prosper, and that to do otherwise is a sin.

On the other hand, if I were to work part time, I would not feel shame about the type of work it was. After megacorp ejected me, I became a long haul tractor trailer driver, a job many would consider subpar, but I actually felt proud doing it. I wanted to tell people I was a tractor trailer driver.

But now that I am not working at all, I do feel some shame. Even though
I try to tell myself I should not.

 

[MBAustin]

ER Eddie - I completely relate to your feelings. For me, it hit the worst more than 2 years after ER, and it's only been in the past couple of months that I've really acknowledged it and worked at putting the feelings aside. I really needed to be very good at what I did and be recognized for it, and until now I've been waiting/hoping for people to ask/beg me to do some w*rk for them because they knew how good I was. A lot of this was because I felt like I should have been a VP at my Megacorp because several other (less competent) people I had worked with earlier in my career made it to VP, but I didn't admit this to myself until very recently. So I'm starting to feel better now that I've owned up to that disappointment. Hopefully you will as well now that you have acknowledged it. Remember that feelings are never either right or wrong, they just are.

 

[FreeAtLast]

I have been working part time about 8 years now. I was even let go for about 18 months due to financial problems at the employer. Now I just go in the office 1 or 2 afternoons a week and do the rest from home. I was able to negotiate a sweet deal when they called me back to work.

I have a young manager that I helped mentor and I just do the computer programming these days. I find that I have influenced many decisions without having to sit in on the meetings and deal with the all of the corporate drama.

I suggest that you develop some other interests as I did. You will eventually adjust. Stop thinking about the past and look to your future.

Good Luck!

 

[ER Eddie]

Thanks for all the input, folks. I appreciate it. Some smart people here.

 

[CaliforniaMan]

I
...
I'm about 5 months from downshifting to part-time, so I'm pulling away from some responsibilities, and they are looking for a replacement. It's close enough to feel real, I guess.
...
That is adding to my sense that it's over ("it" being my career), I've done all I'm ever going to do, it's all downhill from here, that's all you'll achieve. I know a lot of people who've done a lot more than I did with their careers. So I'm feeling this sense of being a loser or failure, as I pull away from work. I'm discovering that I have a sense of shame about it. That is completely not what I expected.
...

I am taking the plunge to retirement next month, and over the past six months, since I really realized I would be 'retiring', I have had and still have all of the feelings you have so eloquently expressed.

I let everyone know at the beginning of this year, that after the first quarter I would be pretty much gone. And they started making plans about how to replace me, kind of made me feel, for the first time, left out.
But that is exactly what I wanted to be, left out. But still, it is hard realizing as you have said, whatever I have achieved in my working life, is all I will ever achieve.

But also I realized that the things that so excited me in my early life, don't have the same excitement now. And also I remember all of the transitions I have had previously, although many often meant a job ending, personal relationships ending, they always lead to other opportunities. So that is what keeps me going getting through the feelings you have expressed.

I do feel the same as you, but I was not as brave as you to express it here in a new thread. That is one of the reasons I joined this forum, to learn about the feelings of the long timers. And talked to my retired BIL about his feelings after retiring (he said I wasn't the first to ask him). I think a lot of us share your feelings.

I always identified with my work, and was proud of that. I came up with solutions to problems in the shower, in the john, walking around. I was always thinking of new things to try, worrying about current problems, stressing about relationships with colleagues, etc etc etc. And I was really proud that I identified with what I did. I was proud of my successes, as trivial as they might have been in the great scheme of things.

But it is time now for give up pleasing other people, pleasing my clients, spending my hours figuring out how to solve their problems. Now is the time for me to figure out more important issues. About how to fix the patio deck, where to plant the orange tree, where do we want to drive to this week without worrying what day we have to get back.

After six months thinking about this I realize that I am ready to start doing things for me and my wife, and end doing things for the "man."

As for your part time work. This is one area where you have to be careful I think. If your job is the kind where you can leave 100% of everything at work when you go home, it is okay. But if not, I think you will still have 100% of the stress (worrying all week) and only 20% of the income. A very bad tradeoff I think.

I am not planning on any part time work of this type after next month. In my work, and I am guessing yours, you have to go or stay. Not too much in between. And any real potential for retirement joy will come after the part time work ends.

Well, we will see what happens in the future. Best of luck to you.

 

[Meadbh]

In the immortal words of Edith Piaf.....

www.youtube.com/watch?v=igASbnqpUo8

 

[poorcarver]

For me no issues at all. I found engineering a very interesting study but a poor way to actually spend time. If I never hear any of that nonsense from the corporate types again it will be too soon.

 

[sanfanciscotreat]

I think I have some of the same feelings you do. In fact I thought about writing a post about it too this week.

For me, I just never made a lot of money, $20K-$25K max/year. Most years less than that. So put a big capital L on my forehead.

I did end up having a NW over $1M. Got lucky with investments, necessity being its mother.

I have high regards with those on this board who've done well or knew the value of savings at a young age. I'm just glad to know about this board, Bogleheads and I'm also a big MMM fan.

Kudos to you for being able to accomplish the net worth.
Just goes to show that many, many people with this income and more should be able to LYBM during their work years and not end up so deep in debt and relying on the rest of us to fund their retirement through our taxes

 

[Options]

and here I thought I was a "loser" because I haven't ER'd earlier

For some people, it's easy for their identity to become wrapped up in their job (along with other externals). If after ER you find yourself still wanting to identify with a new endeavor, you could always create some fine new adventure for yourself (i.e., a competitive sport, using your talents to support a non-profit or other cause/interest you believe in or have, etc.). There are many ways to go from here to there in life.

Additionally, as others have said, $1M saved on your income is more of an accomplishment than most in this country will make.

 

[scrabbler1]

ER Eddie, I recall how I felt when I first switched from working full-time to part-time back in 2001. I found it liberating, not a failure by any stretch. I wanted to regain control of my personal life. I had gotten burnt out and the already lousy commute had become worse when my company had relocated from lower Manhattan to Jersey City, New Jersey.

I knew I had gotten my last promotion back in 1995. I had already achieved the position of supervisor in my office and knew I would go no higher. I also knew that switching to part-time would reduce my annual pay raises from somewhat above average to average which was fine with me. With all raises having declined from the late 1990s into the early 2000s, this meant I would get maybe 1% less than I would have gotten. Big deal. I was taking a 40% pay CUT by working part-time, did I really care about another 1%?

I also knew I would become somewhat less relevant in the office. I still attended biweekly management meetings (which I hated) and saw my workload reduced, expectedly. My coworkers needed my mind becaue of the 16 years of experience and knowledge I had built up. I knew and could do things that nobody else in my division knew or could do , so I still had real value. I had the respect of my coworkers which was satisfying.

But over time that was hardly enough to keep me around. I still had a nice career but I did feel like I was starting to rot away. This rotting away feeling was aided by my feeling that I was growing more powerful financially as the pieces of my ER plan were falling into place in the 6th and 7th years or working part-time. Reducing my part-time hours (to lessen the commute some more) did not help, either. I was asking myself all the time, "Why I am still working here?" When the last piece fell into place in 2008, I knew it was time to leave. I had achieved my "magic number" and resigned a few months later. I had no regrets.

 

[martyp]

ER Eddie - I can relate to what you are saying. During the last year of w*rk my group and our Department was being downsized. If I stayed on it would have been in a much reduced capacity or I would have to start over in another part of the organization. I probably would have been demoted. While a demotion would have been justified by my reduced responsibilities or inexperience in a new position it just would have felt weird. It's totally a status thing.

I was fortunate to discover that I was financially independent and could retire. The last few months could have been demoralizing but the reduced stress was so welcome that I didn't really think about my uselessness on the j*b. When I left I changed my LinkedIn page to "Retired Mechanical Engineer". I was proud of what I had done in my career but I was ready to call it quits. In the last three years of ER I've found new worthwhile pursuits and even updated my LinkedIn page to "Science Educator" now that I am putting on my 4th science class for seniors.

I also experienced a realization that "this is all I will achieve" in my old position. I also got the distinct impression from my MIL that she was disappoint in that fact too. However, the moment passed and I couldn't be happier.

I don't think I would have liked working part-time. Making a quick clean break worked for me.

 

[FIREd]

I consider my ability to quit work at an early age one of my greatest accomplishments! I don't get nearly as much satisfaction out of the fact that I earned a PhD in chemistry and was published in major peer-reviewed journals.

 

[Amethyst]

Holy cw@p!

On first read, I thought you were saying you had inherited the money from your mother

Amethyst

For me, I just never made a lot of money, $20K-$25K max/year. Most years less than that....I did end up having a NW over $1M. Got lucky with investments, necessity being its mother.

.