It's a commonplace observation that men attach their self-esteem to their work. I guess I fooled myself into thinking that didn't apply to me. I told myself, "My identity isn't wrapped up in my work. I'm a spiritual person. I have never valued achievement along conventional lines." Et cetera.
Over the past few days, though, I've been experiencing a low mood that I've finally identified as shame -- that feeling you get when you think there is something bad wrong with you, you are defective. "You are a loser" is how I usually experience it.
And this feeling of failure or shame is related to pulling away from my career, as I approach semi-retirement. There's a sense that, "That's it. That's the most you'll ever achieve in your career" (which, by the way, has been all right but nothing exceptional, nothing that I can feel all that proud of).
I'm about 5 months from downshifting to part-time, so I'm pulling away from some responsibilities, and they are looking for a replacement. It's close enough to feel real, I guess.
I will leave there eventually, though not right away. I'll continue to work part-time for a while. Part of the "self-esteem" issue, if you want to call it that, is that the alternative part-time jobs available would be a significant drop in status. It makes me feel silly to say that -- I've always told myself that status is a thing other people chase after and I don't care about. But it turns out, it does matter to me. I know that because I can feel a tinge of shame when I think about the drop in status. It is only partly "how it would look," it is more just an ingrained, internalized sense of knowing that I'd be taking a big drop in professional status or image or whatever.
That is adding to my sense that it's over ("it" being my career), I've done all I'm ever going to do, it's all downhill from here, that's all you'll achieve. I know a lot of people who've done a lot more than I did with their careers. So I'm feeling this sense of being a loser or failure, as I pull away from work. I'm discovering that I have a sense of shame about it. That is completely not what I expected.
It's all ego, I know. It's all stupid, I know. It's all something I ought to be more advanced about, I know. It took me a couple of days to even figure out what I was feeling, because I didn't expect it, it seemed so alien from how I think about myself and work, usually.
I'm just wondering if anyone else has had an experience like that. I'm not really looking for pat advice about how our identity shouldn't be wrapped up in our work, etc. -- I know all that; that's part of why I am surprised to be feeling this way. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for exactly, but I just wanted to express how I was feeling and see if anyone else could relate.
