High cost of Weddings

[Meadbh]

How very gracious of them.

I suggest you return this act of kindness by letting them know the dowry you expect to come with the daughter. At least $100,000 based upon the numbers they are throwing around.

Or the OP could specify the number of cows required!

 

[tmm99]

How very gracious of them.

I suggest you return this act of kindness by letting them know the dowry you expect to come with the daughter. At least $100,000 based upon the numbers they are throwing around.

Now we are talking

 

[pb4uski]

Late to this thread. DD got married last summer... from our wedding and others of my peers I expected the rehersal dinner to be just the wedding party and their guests, parents and grandparents of the bride and groom and perhaps a few other immediate family (siblings, etc.). It seems that these days it is vogue to invite out of town guests.

DD's in-laws put on a nice pig roast at their lakeside summer home with an open bar for about 30 people (wedding was about 150-175). No idea what it cost but I'm guessing less than $5k.

BTW, as father of the bride I was expecting to pay the bar bill for the wedding, but the parents of the groom did so.... I guess that is common these days... don't faint yet but I hesitate to guess what the bar bill for a $200k wedding will be!

https://www.theknot.com/content/wedding-budget-who-pays-for-what
https://www.brides.com/story/who-to-invite-rehearsal-dinner-etiquette

I would have grave concerns if DS's fiancee had expectations of a $25k rehersal dinner and a $200k wedding... not our kind of people.

 

[Bamaman]

My niece had one of "those type" of weddings, marrying into a very high profile family. It was The social occasion of the year and hundreds of people overwhelmed the club where the reception was held. What was so bad is that my niece didn't really want to marry the guy, but she told herself she could later divorce rather than leave him at the alter. The marriage lasted 10 miserable years.

Another friend was a radiologist and his wife's Lebanese family had 100 first cousins. He spent $125k on that wedding.

I think our wedding cost $1000, and we had a ball. We were in our late 30's and had nothing to prove to anyone.

 

[Moemg]

I have no problem with people paying $25,000 for a rehearsal dinner if it is their idea but to be told you are spending $25,000 is another thing .

 

[karen1972]

I've been to a few where out of town guests were included in the rehearsal dinners, I'm guessing that is the case.

As for Chicago, to put it in perspective, it was not unheard of for me to drop $300 for 2 to go out to eat on a random Tuesday. its easy to spend $100/pp on a meal and then your friends order bottles of wine starting at $70/bottle.. you can see how quickly that adds up.

I've been to a few weddings that I considered over the top. I know they spent at least $150/pp and that was 20 years ago. You might want to have a private chat with your son as there may be even more expectations than just the fancy dinner. Those types of weddings family members were also giving whopping gifts.. I almost didn't go because I didn't think I could buy a dress nice enough to fit in.

I guess I'd be asking where they want to go and what all is expected to be included.

 

[lwp2017]

When my daughter got married my wife and I decided on a dollar amount we were comfortable contributing to their marriage. I wrote them a check for that amount and told them how they spent it was up to them. If they needed less for the wedding they could keep the difference, if they needed more that to was theirs.

This ^^^. We did this for our oldest daughter. She was a Christian missionary overseas prior to getting married and developed very modest lifestyle choices including her wedding.

We set a maximum limit and told them spend it however they want, they get to keep the difference.

We wrote her a very large check.

 

[Meadbh]

I have heard of Indian customs where the bride’s family starts saving for her wedding shortly after she is born. Weddings are huge and extravagant. Guests give cash gifts which are often expected to fund a deposit on a home.

Parents need to rein in these expectations if they are not part of their culture.

 

[Sunset]

Now I know one possible reason people suddenly vanish, and turn up years later after the weddings have happened.

Maybe OP is rich (ok very rich), but to me that number is WOW !!! WOW !!! WOW !!! WOW !!!

I also feel pretty special , as I was a guest at some weddings, and I didn't even need to rehearse being a guest, or rehearse how to eat dinner

 

[Scrapr]

Another friend was a radiologist and his wife's Lebanese family had 100 first cousins. He spent $125k on that wedding..

Did they all come over? You think there was a few hangers on? You'd think a few would have to snuck in on the flight/party

Groom: Dear this is my good friend and cousin #72. What's your name again?

 

[GoodWishes]

$25k for rehearsal dinner! $200k for wedding! I don't think I have any comments since this kind of spending is way out of my league.

 

[Oma_here]

I only get 34 at the top end, I'm not sure who the other 66 people are. The brides father is planning on flying his family up to Chicago from Ecuador and Columbia. Maybe there are extra family members that I am not aware of in the extended family that he expects to be invited.

There are going to be some interesting conversations ahead.

First off, I too think that $25k for a rehearsal dinner is way over the top. But next I want to comment on some of the things said by other posters, like the engagement not being an event. Where I come from there are no rehearsal dinners and bridal showers have only recently started to pop up. The engagement party was THE event aside from the wedding a year or so later. The family Taxman's son is marrying into may live in the US but they obviously are not nth generation Americans (see quote from where the family is flown in). They may have very different ideas as to who should attend this dinner and they may well consider the dinner as a substitute for other traditional celebrations around a wedding.

All that said --- $25k for a dinner? Not in a month of Sundays

 

[truenorth418]

Wedding traditions differ, and we need to respect them. Traditionally in the US, the bride’s parents would transfer property to the groom in exchange for taking the girl off their hands. How many acres is the groom receiving in this case?

 

[Amethyst]

What's a rehearsal dinner? LOL...been married twice and never had to rehearse how to eat

Funny, how LBYM always seems to go out the window when it comes to weddings.

 

[Maenad]

they don't want to be embarrassed by me "going cheap".

Oof, I'm so sorry your son said this to you, or hinted it. As the child of blue-collar parents, that would have been deeply mortifying and hurtful if I would have said something like that, so you have my sympathies.

I echo the recommendations to sit down with your son and let him know how much you're able to chip in. Also, if you're comfortable with it, can you talk to the future DIL or her parents about cultural expectations? "Having a bunch of people flown in for a party" is awesome, but does the party need to be extravagant? Is the expectation for it to be fancy, or just that a party will be held? Casual things can be just as fun.

 

[MichaelB]

Outlier here, I guess, as usual. I think it’s the out-of-town guests—we’re usually invited to the rehearsal dinner when we go to out of town weddings (and you don’t want to know what we spent on DS’s rehearsal dinner, also with international guests). But it doesn’t have to be an expensive dinner and it shouldn’t compete with the actual reception imo—we’ve been to rib joints and city wineries and pizza restaurants, all were a lot of fun and it was special to be with the wedding party. IMO just give your DS any $ you care to spend on it and let him decide what kind of party to have. And enjoy yourselves.

+1

Inviting long-distance out of town guests to the rehearsal dinner is a courtesy we have both enjoyed and practiced. The key, as Feever points out, is this dinner should not compete with the reception. Something very simple, and if possible, representing local cuisine.

 

[mcbraemer]

Agreed - Twice !

When my daughter got married my wife and I decided on a dollar amount we were comfortable contributing to their marriage. I wrote them a check for that amount and told them how they spent it was up to them. If they needed less for the wedding they could keep the difference, if they needed more that to was theirs. Nowadays with "kids" getting married in their early 30's they've had their chance to establish themselves financially and make their own decisions as to what level of spending is "not to cheap" for their big day.


Totally agreed, and did the same thing with the first 2 of our 3 daughters. Daughter #1, not a big spender, stayed within the wedding budget with 110 guests (fortunately her spouse is from out of the country so his side added maybe 15 heads to our 90-100). Nevertheless, budget was not an issue, and our wedding cost for a very nice reception was approx. 12K.
Daughter #2, a bigger spender, was married a few years later, and offered the same deal and amount. They accepted the downpayment, added about 100 additional guests on their own, and paid for the difference. SIL's family paid for a very modest steakhouse wedding party dinner for the "party" plus maybe 10 additional folks. Like I said, we didn't need to pay for that but my best estimate for the rehearsal dinner (which BTW was lovely) was maybe 2K.

Your figures, and the expectations put on you seem waaayyyy out of line, and presumptuous to me.

 

[ponyboy]

Funny stat...the more people spend on a wedding the more likely they are to divorce! lol

As for the cost of rehearsal and wedding...do whatever you want. Doesnt matter what people on a forum tell you...you're going to do whatever you want. It seems to me you got the reaction you were looking for. People like to blow things out of proportion so they can brag to their friends at starbucks...but if you have the money then $25k isnt a big deal.

Good luck to you and your family.

 

[Nemo2]

Your figures, and the expectations put on you seem waaayyyy out of line, and presumptuous to me.

Emotional Blackmail......which has likely been effective before, and has therefore escalated over the years.

What was it that P. T. Barnum supposedly said?

 

[ponyboy]

When my daughter got married my wife and I decided on a dollar amount we were comfortable contributing to their marriage. I wrote them a check for that amount and told them how they spent it was up to them.

This is was my in laws did. They gave wife $9k that was left over from college that they didnt spend...said its for a wedding. It was in an index fund.

We had liquid money so we used our money instead...wedding cost around $12k. That $9k is still in the index fund and has grown to $17k (9 years later.)

 

[poorcarver]

For what it is worth, it is not uncommon for "out of town guests" to be invited to the rehearsal dinner. Sort of entertaining people who are not in their own homes. That said, both our DS and DD had a guest list that was mostly folks who were out of town. The entire thing was held down to a very reasonable limit and no one dictated what we would spend to not "look cheap".

 

[prototype]

This past weekend, my oldest DS got engaged. The "event" was attended by DW, DS2 and DS3 as well as her parents and sisters and me. ...........

I am not certain of the marital status of DS2 and DS3. But something else you may want to consider is that if/when they get married in the future they may expect similar financial compensation in cash gift and/or wedding costs (i.e. a triple whammy one time wedding cost for adult kids).

 

[Yarnstormer]

I’ve always heard that family, people in the wedding, and out of town guests are invited to rehearsal dinner. I would not be able to throw a 25k party and I would not appreciate being told that was the expected budget.

 

[meierlde]

Of course you could go for a cash bar, and not include any booze. (In particular if folks have to drive you have a good excuse for safety)

 

[mcbraemer]

Expenses Beyond the "Parties"

As father of the bride (no, I'm not Steve Martin), I was observant of the entire process and expenses incurred by several involved entities (mostly bride's parents in this neck of the Midwest).

Beyond the cost of the "Rehearsal Dinner" (can be paid by groom to be parents, bride to be parents, couple to be married, rich relatives or other), and the wedding reception itself, add the (optional) costs of at least two sets of invitations (if you go to a third party printer), flowers, limos, wedding planner, transportation to/from events, purchased or rented attire, makeup/hairdresser fees, musicians (Deejay or live bands - an aside, we hired live bands for both weddings, and just like back in 1970's it WAS better), etc.

Then, there is the cost of Bridal Showers and gifts for same, engagement party if held, Bachelor and Bride party (nowadays often way out of town).

Oh, and marriage license fees, minister or civic fees, and on and on.....


Forgot to mention that on Sunday, the day after the big day, an informal get together (BBQ) for the out of towners is to be expected.

Too often, 3 to 36 months later, marriage counselor expenses, attorney and divorce court costs (why you cynic, you ! ). Hopefully no bail money involved for any of the above events Yes, we had a relation spilt up 3 mos. after the huge wedding - too late to put a stop payment on our generous cash gift.