High cost of Weddings

[swguy]

I'm a middle of the middle class kind of guy, and this event is so far north of my paygrade that anything I might have said in response to that proposition from my kid would have offended someone. Perhaps your son has lived well enough to feel such expectations are reasonable, I just can't imagine.

 

[ivinsfan]

So far ours looks like 10 to 20 grand for 50 people with sliced tenderloin and a bar.

Well you will be using your own money [emoji3]

 

[audreyh1]

Well you will be using your own money [emoji3]

Yeah - and that's for the main wedding event!!!

 

[explanade]

I always understood that the wedding party and SOs, immediate family and maybe some special friends. The wedding party, immediate family and SOs total about 34, so an open bar, a sit down dinner and venue costs were expected to be about $5-6k. Bump that up to 100 guests and the venue cost jumps from a few $100s to $5k+ and the food and liquor costs runs up to $10k. Not sure what will bump it further, but the wedding budget is in excess of $200k!

Well if the in laws are footing $200k, I guess they want you to chip in a significant amount.

DS must be marrying into a rich family.

Maybe think of it as you won't have to leave him and his children as much money because they should inherit from the in laws.

 

[retiringby50]

Wow! That's crazy. My rehearsal was at my favorite Chinese restaurant at the time attended by the parents, the bridesmaids/groomsmen and maybe a couple of others... probably cost less than $100... okay that was 27 years ago, but still Good luck. Congratulations! Sorry... lots of different sentiments, lol.

 

[ivinsfan]

It appears that the issue is the bride's family wants to include family that have traveled a very long distance so they can have more family time. That's not unreasonable but not the definition of a rehearsal dinner.They have expensive taste which is the other problem. Now it's up to you to just pay it, look for a cheaper venue,or pay part of it.

 

[NW-Bound]

Just checked with DW. We didn't have a rehearsal dinner. Didn't have a rehearsal - I guess we were just that good!!

My daughter's wedding a couple of years ago did not have any fancy rehearsal.

Yes, we met at the venue the weekend prior, and the organizer walked us through what the ceremony would be like, how we were supposed to walk down the stairs of the villa to the open lawn area where the guests were sitting, where the reception was held, and dinner was served, etc... My daughter already worked out a lot of other details with the organizer that we needed not to concern ourselves with.

The wedding went so well, there was no mishap.

 

[athena53]

Where I come from, the people who attend the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner are the wedding party and the parents of the B&G. Usually 10-15 people.

It's really all over the map. My nephew was married in a very fancy wedding and Aunts and Uncles of the couple (which would have included DH and me) were not invited to the rehearsal dinner- apparently that was the custom in the wife's family. I was a bit annoyed since we were coming from out of town. Equally lovely weddings of another niece and nephew- DH and I were invited to the rehearsal dinners.

IMO, people other than immediate family and the wedding party are nice-to-haves at the rehearsal dinner but not required. When DS married we had 50 at the rehearsal dinner because DIL's parents both came from large extended families and many came from out of town, they had a large wedding party and the church was very family-centered, so spouses and kids were invited, too. Since the church members are not big on drinking the bar tab was minimal (2 beers consumed!) and a good time was had by all. We could have spent the same total at a more frou-frou place and cut back the guest list but that wasn't the culture.

It does complicate things that family members are coming in from South America- naturally they want to maximize time with each other during the visit. You'll just have to decide how much you want to spend to support that.

 

[RobbieB]

There ain't gonna be no rehearsal dinner. No brides maids or grooms men. No trial run needed. Just stand up and get hitched.

Nah, blow the dough on the Grand Hotel, nice room with a view, good food and lots of booze! Party hearty!

Drunks don't have to drive 'cause it's at a Hotel -

 

[iloveyoga]

Where I come from, the people who attend the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner are the wedding party and the parents of the B&G. Usually 10-15 people.

Same here. We had pizza for both our son's rehearsals dinners. I realized we are not fancy people, but I would not spend my money in that way.

 

[Walt34]

It appears that the issue is the bride's family wants to include family that have traveled a very long distance so they can have more family time.

I was thinking that was a possibility, but that is not Taxman's concern. Nor is it incumbent upon him to spend outlandishly to meet someone else's expectations. Travelover's suggestion of saying "Here's $xx, anything above that is on you" is a good one.

And if that constitutes "cheaping out" then it is well and good to have that issue settled before the wedding. Then they won't expect Taxman to bail them out later when they get into financial difficulties because of their overspending.

 

[iloveyoga]

Where I come from, the people who attend the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner are the wedding party and the parents of the B&G. Usually 10-15 people.

Wow! That's crazy. My rehearsal was at my favorite Chinese restaurant at the time attended by the parents, the bridesmaids/groomsmen and maybe a couple of others... probably cost less than $100... okay that was 27 years ago, but still Good luck. Congratulations! Sorry... lots of different sentiments, lol.

I had to look at your profile, this could have been written by my brother. All of the rehearsal dinners in my family were very modest affairs, but also very nice. No complaints.

 

[Nemo2]

BYOB...and your own food....party on.

 

[kareninthecity]

DH and I have been married for 26 years. Our rehearsal dinner took place at the church after our rehearsal. Wedding party and their families invited. My sister's mother-in-law cooked and catered (she was an awesome cook!) That was it. No frills. We had a great time! I certainly understand wanting to spend time with family coming from far away but that should not be on the OP to finance.

 

[ivinsfan]

Is it just me or does anyone else think it's odd that the expections for the dinner were laid out the weekend of the engagement? In fact traditionally the groom's family hosts,invites and plans the rehearsal dinner. I'd be just as annoyed about this overbearing behavior as the actual cost

 

[tb001]

Wow. I try not to judge how other people spend their money, since everyone has different baselines and interests. But that is a LOT for a wedding and rehearsal dinner! I really hope her family is very wealthy or your son is setting himself up for a world of misery down the line, assuming she's the one pushing for that kind of wedding.

100 people sounds nuts for a rehearsal dinner, but I also wonder if they feel they want to include out of town guests. Or perhaps customs are different?

How old are they? I would let them know a dollar amount you're able to contribute and any additional dollars above that they need to foot the bill for.

 

[mystang52]

At DD's wedding rehearsal dinner, it was only the wedding party and immediate family. I was so used to writing checks, I was pleasantly surprised that the groom's parents pay for the dinner. I felt like I had won the lottery.
When it was DS's turn, bride's Mom wanted quite a few "extra" people at the rehearsal dinner (mainly people who had traveled from out of town) so insisted on paying for it. We gave my son a bigger gift with the money saved.
I suggest: 1) offer to pay reasonable cost of a reasonable dinner for a traditional wedding party (ushers and bridesmaids and immediate family).
2) Easier said than done, but tell son and future DIL there is a limited budget you have in mind for that dinner, and you are not being cheap, just reasonable.

 

[NW-Bound]

It appears that the issue is the bride's family wants to include family that have traveled a very long distance so they can have more family time...

For my daughter's wedding, we had relatives coming from out of town. The close family members, we had guest rooms in our home for them. The others knew to take care of themselves in hotel rooms. The night before, I hosted a dinner for them all in my home.

Son-in-law had his parents, his brother and sister-in-law, plus a close friend coming from out of town. Again, he had rooms at home for them, and to entertain them.

The morning of the wedding day, we hosted a reception with brunch at home for the out-of-town guests for both sides, in order for them to be introduced (we had met the inlaws in a prior occasion). The food was catered. Everybody was warned to dress up for this reception, as the photographer was there.

We did this reception instead of the rehearsal, because the wedding dinner that night had more guests, and was not as intimate for close family members.

Worked out great, and did not cost that much.

 

[Scrapr]

Same here. We had pizza for both our son's rehearsals dinners. I realized we are not fancy people, but I would not spend my money in that way.

So did Mrs Scrapr & I!

Mom

 

[Moemg]

Is it just me or does anyone else think it's odd that the expections for the dinner were laid out the weekend of the engagement? In fact traditionally the groom's family hosts,invites and plans the rehearsal dinner. I'd be just as annoyed about this overbearing behavior as the actual cost

Me Too !

 

[explanade]

Maybe the OP being FIRE'd talked a lot about LBYM and ER to his son so much that they didn't want to hear any more about LBYM when it came to the wedding.

 

[Chuckanut]

Given the budgeted spending level for the wedding, my son and future DIL wanted to let me know that the cost for the rehearsal dinner would be in the neighborhood of $25k!

How very gracious of them.

I suggest you return this act of kindness by letting them know the dowry you expect to come with the daughter. At least $100,000 based upon the numbers they are throwing around.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Outlier here, I guess, as usual. I think it’s the out-of-town guests—we’re usually invited to the rehearsal dinner when we go to out of town weddings (and you don’t want to know what we spent on DS’s rehearsal dinner, also with international guests). But it doesn’t have to be an expensive dinner and it shouldn’t compete with the actual reception imo—we’ve been to rib joints and city wineries and pizza restaurants, all were a lot of fun and it was special to be with the wedding party. IMO just give your DS any $ you care to spend on it and let him decide what kind of party to have. And enjoy yourselves.

 

[Meadbh]

It's really all over the map. My nephew was married in a very fancy wedding and Aunts and Uncles of the couple (which would have included DH and me) were not invited to the rehearsal dinner- apparently that was the custom in the wife's family. I was a bit annoyed since we were coming from out of town. Equally lovely weddings of another niece and nephew- DH and I were invited to the rehearsal dinners.

IMO, people other than immediate family and the wedding party are nice-to-haves at the rehearsal dinner but not required. When DS married we had 50 at the rehearsal dinner because DIL's parents both came from large extended families and many came from out of town, they had a large wedding party and the church was very family-centered, so spouses and kids were invited, too. Since the church members are not big on drinking the bar tab was minimal (2 beers consumed!) and a good time was had by all. We could have spent the same total at a more frou-frou place and cut back the guest list but that wasn't the culture.

It does complicate things that family members are coming in from South America- naturally they want to maximize time with each other during the visit. You'll just have to decide how much you want to spend to support that.

I recently cancelled a planned vacation and travelled over 4000 miles each way to Europe at my own expense to attend the wedding of a close family member. I was not invited to the rehearsal dinner. The wedding was quite classy and very enjoyable. I have no idea what it cost, but I took care to ensure that my gift covered at least double the estimated per capita cost, based on the wedding packages on the hotel website. The following evening I enjoyed a home cooked meal with the parents of the bride. And then I began the long journey home. Three weeks later, I had a thank you text from the bride after the couple had returned from their African Safari.

Different cultures have different expectations. As we all know, Indian weddings last a week. But given that the OP’s DS and his fiancée live in the US, it would be only reasonable to apply US customs.

 

[Winemaker]

How close are you to PA? Can I get in on the wine service? I can be reasonable even if I throw a towel over my arm.

Seriously, DS and DIL had swanky wedding at big city hotel for 200, band, open bar the entire wedding, cake cookies, "whores devours", trolley to and from basilica to hotel, and rehearsal dinner might have made $25,000 total. We had Filet and Chilean Sea Bass.