High cost of Weddings

[Taxman59]

This past weekend, my oldest DS got engaged. The "event" was attended by DW, DS2 and DS3 as well as her parents and sisters and me. It was a great weekend, and I got a chance to talk with the future in-laws. It appears that they are expecting us to throw the rehearsal dinner (which I expected) and they will have nearly 100 attendees (which I wasn't expecting ). Given the budgeted spending level for the wedding, my son and future DIL wanted to let me know that the cost for the rehearsal dinner would be in the neighborhood of $25k! They don't want me to break the bank meeting the required spending level, and they don't want to be embarrassed by me "going cheap".

My question for the forum is this, What is a reasonable expense for a rehearsal dinner in Chicago, and what is the etiquette for who should be invited?

 

[6miths]

wow!

 

[limeyx]

This past weekend, my oldest DS got engaged. The "event" was attended by DW, DS2 and DS3 as well as her parents and sisters and me. It was a great weekend, and I got a chance to talk with the future in-laws. It appears that they are expecting us to throw the rehearsal dinner (which I expected) and they will have nearly 100 attendees (which I wasn't expecting ). Given the budgeted spending level for the wedding, my son and future DIL wanted to let me know that the cost for the rehearsal dinner would be in the neighborhood of $25k! They don't want me to break the bank meeting the required spending level, and they don't want to be embarrassed by me "going cheap".

My question for the forum is this, What is a reasonable expense for a rehearsal dinner in Chicago, and what is the etiquette for who should be invited?

Ummm, what the what ? For the *rehearsal* dinner ?

For us, the rehearsal dinner was Bride, Groom, bridesmaids, groomsmen and immediate family of B&G

Total cost for an awesome meal was around $1000 which B&G footed

Maybe there is a mis-understanding somehow ?

 

[Walt34]

wow!

Yeah, really!

Where do folks get expectations like that? It seems more than a bit presumptuous to me. As I understood it the rehearsal dinner was attended by the bridal party, the bride & groom's parents, and perhaps the officiant if they wanted to. That's all I'd expect (or would) pay for.

 

[aja8888]

Our upcoming rehearsal dinner in April for DW's wedding will be attended by about 15 people and be held at a Mexican restaurant in Magnolia, TX. Cost will be around $450.00. However, the wedding will be costing us about $20K.

I don't know how a rehearsal dinner could cost as much as you have been told. Just blows my mind.

 

[pj.mask]

We got married for about $500 including hotel and wedding license. We earn mid 6 figures.

Lots of people these days are not doing the fancy weddings. Lots of people still are (but most that are have their parents pay for it). There is an inverse correlation between cost of wedding and how long it lasts.

Look at it per person. $250/person?! That’s a lot of money. Even if you go pick a fancy restaurant and work out a deal on booze ahead of time (“choice of red, white, or domestic beers”) it would come out cheaper - even assuming you have to pay $1-2k for the church.

 

[Taxman59]

I always understood that the wedding party and SOs, immediate family and maybe some special friends. The wedding party, immediate family and SOs total about 34, so an open bar, a sit down dinner and venue costs were expected to be about $5-6k. Bump that up to 100 guests and the venue cost jumps from a few $100s to $5k+ and the food and liquor costs runs up to $10k. Not sure what will bump it further, but the wedding budget is in excess of $200k!

 

[Philliefan33]

Wow. DD is getting married this April and we won’t be spending $25K on the wedding!

How do you get to 100 people at the rehearsal dinner?

 

[Teacher Terry]

Unless you are wealthy that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Is her family wealthy if the wedding is costing that much? Also remember whatever you do for one kid you will have to do it for all. I can't imagine telling someone how much they will pay for something even if they are your parents.

 

[Hermit]

DD's wedding a little over a year ago was $15k. SIL's parents paid for the rehearsal dinner. Actually they made it. It all worked out quite nicely.

That quote is WAY out of bounds. You are not being cheap. I never heard of getting engaged as an "event" before either.

If I were hit with that, I think I would have a serious discussion with the new couple and explain that the cost is out of my league. Let them figure out how to get the budget down to a reasonable amount.

 

[Meadbh]

That sounds completely insane. While I have never planned a wedding, I find it hard to see how any dinner could cost $25K.

If I were put in that position, I would offer the happy couple a budget of up to $3K. That should cover 30 people at $100 each, which is more than generous. End of story.

 

[Taxman59]

How do you get to 100 people at the rehearsal dinner?

I only get 34 at the top end, I'm not sure who the other 66 people are. The brides father is planning on flying his family up to Chicago from Ecuador and Columbia. Maybe there are extra family members that I am not aware of in the extended family that he expects to be invited.

There are going to be some interesting conversations ahead.

 

[GravitySucks]

Ummm, what the what ? For the *rehearsal* dinner ?

For us, the rehearsal dinner was Bride, Groom, bridesmaids, groomsmen and immediate family of B&G

Total cost for an awesome meal was around $1000 which B&G footed

Maybe there is a mis-understanding somehow ?

+1
The people that attend the rehearsal go to the dinner

 

[Meadbh]

+1
The people that attend the rehearsal go to the dinner

Where I come from, the people who attend the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner are the wedding party and the parents of the B&G. Usually 10-15 people.

 

[travelover]

They don't want me to break the bank meeting the required spending level, and they don't want to be embarrassed by me "going cheap".

Here is the problem. They have no right to spend your money to keep up their appearances. I'd say, here is $XX. Invite who you want.

 

[tmm99]

What? If there are 100 guests for the rehearsal dinner, how many are going to be attending the wedding?? Who is shelling out for that?

Did you promise your son in advance you would be doing something like this (That would be the only reasonable explanation for this, at least for me)? Who decided you should be doing this? Do you feel a bit cornered into this whole thing??

I am upset and this isn't my money or my wedding. Nobody should tell me what to do with my own money. It's not just the total cost, but someone counting my money "expecting" me to pay for something would bother me.

 

[Moemg]

This is crazy ! I would come up with a reasonable figure I was willing to contribute and let them figure it out .I would also sit down my Son and have a serious talk about what is realistic .

 

[pj.mask]

Wow, if you’re spending $10k on an open bar maybe you should rent a hall that allows your own alcohol and catered food. Even at $10/drink that’s 1000 drinks or 10/person. Sounds super expensive. Seriously if you book a restaurant, get a $20 appetizer for 5 people, $50 dinner, $10 dessert, and assume 3 $15 drinks per person (on average) you are looking at $130 per person including tip and they would for sure close part (or all) of the restaurant off for your party

Or maybe just fly everyone down to South America!

Unless y’all both live $300k/yr+ spending lifestyles it is hard to imagine the expectation of that much money. Even in the 150-200k range it’s quite presumptive.

Hard to imagine if you offered a bogelhead/ER forum member the cash they would spend it on a 4 hour party

 

[FireFool]

When my daughter got married my wife and I decided on a dollar amount we were comfortable contributing to their marriage. I wrote them a check for that amount and told them how they spent it was up to them. If they needed less for the wedding they could keep the difference, if they needed more that to was theirs. Nowadays with "kids" getting married in their early 30's they've had their chance to establish themselves financially and make their own decisions as to what level of spending is "not to cheap" for their big day.

BTW, I kept 5% in reserve on what I was willing to spend, knowing their would be ancillary expenses my wife would decide on not covered by the two of them (e.g. the wedding shower and some other smaller expenses). I didn't tell my wife this amount was in reserve, I just knew it would wind up costing more somehow.

 

[6miths]

Just checked with DW. We didn't have a rehearsal dinner. Didn't have a rehearsal - I guess we were just that good!!

 

[Sue J]

Wow. For most couples 100 people and $25K would be plenty for the wedding itself.

When DH and I got married his parents hosted a cookout at their house for the rehearsal dinner. There were about 40 people and it was casual and a lot of fun. It was our immediate families, any out of towners who came for the wedding the next day and some local cousins. For my tastes having the wedding ceremony right there and then would have done the job and saved a lot of expense!

Next time I see them I'll have to thank our son and daughter-in-law for getting married in Beijing where it cost them maybe $15. We gave them a nice cash gift that they get to keep instead of spending it on trying to impress other people.

I've heard we're expected to do the "red envelope" to her parents which we will be able to do. Well worth it.

 

[Philliefan33]

I always understood that the wedding party and SOs, immediate family and maybe some special friends. The wedding party, immediate family and SOs total about 34, so an open bar, a sit down dinner and venue costs were expected to be about $5-6k. Bump that up to 100 guests and the venue cost jumps from a few $100s to $5k+ and the food and liquor costs runs up to $10k. Not sure what will bump it further, but the wedding budget is in excess of $200k!

A $200K wedding?! Not to pry, but does your DS know what he’s getting himself into with this woman? If she has this kind of taste/expectations, one or both of them better have a damn good paying career. Or a trust fund from daddy.

 

[Dtail]

Here is the problem. They have no right to spend your money to keep up their appearances. I'd say, here is $XX. Invite who you want.

+1

 

[brett]

We are not believers in big, fancy, expensive weddings. Especially since the success rate is only fifty percent or less.

Nor are we believers in the carte blanche open checkbook approach. It is so easy to spend, and to waste, other people's money. Our politicians do it daily.

A colleague of mine did it right for his two children. He told both upfront what their parents contribution would be. It was not an insignificant amount. $50k as I recall. But the amount was set with no additional finding whatsoever. That was eight years ago.

One daughter opted for the big deal wedding. The other took the cash. Used a little for the honeymoon but the lions share epwent toward a down payment on a condo.

Everyone was happy . Both daughters, Mom and Dad. Choice is a good thing.

 

[RobbieB]

So far ours looks like 10 to 20 grand for 50 people with sliced tenderloin and a bar.