How strong is the lure of family?

[bostonjoe]

Problem...We were here first and we love it. I don't like the idea of them pushing us out. Also, my MIL (no problems with her) just moved to the next town and she and my wife are very close. But time will tell...
Oh yeah, what's really crazy is that they have this fantasy of a big happy family (as long as it's on their terms) and my brother-in-law insists we cut a path between our houses. He didn't ask as usual, he just declared it.
Does anyone know where I can get some "Bouncing Betty" booby traps? or other land mines.

 

[Brat]

Just me now... maybe not your style:

The time to establish your boundaries is now and this should be a joint meeting with the two of them and the two of you (no kids around, don't give them the opportunity to divide and conquer). Maybe prepare for this in advance by taking to a good family counselor to put together effective strategies.

If you let them walk over you they will, and they won't even notice that you are under foot.

 

[Outtahere]

If you don't have a dog, get one, then put up a fence to keep the dog in of course.

Seriously, set down the ground rules before they move in, easier to do it now before they make the rules.

 

[claire]

Khan well said - I couldnt have put it better

 

[tryan]

My "clan" is spread coast to coast ... and growing hourly (it seems); sooo years ago mom n'dad started an annual trip. One week in some exotic place - but close to the person who organized it. Mostly on the east coast: Ocean City, MD then Outerbanks ... now the Adorandaks.

One week of this - and 15 nieces and nephews - and you're all done for the year. It works for us (17 years now)!

 

[astroboy]

Since I started this thread, I should say thanks for all the input. Even though ER is a few years off still, I can see the advantages of keeping our original dream and not moving to the family hometown and can relate to your comments (some unfortunately more than others). We've been gone from there 20 years now and can't begin to count the times we have said, after hearing the latest family goings-on, how glad we are that we don't live and have to be in the middle of things. I can even remember my grandfather who moved away saying the same thing about his dozen siblings, etc. I think in my DW case her longings for such stuff can be taken care with occasional visits and she'll see the lure of better weather, nicer houses, and new adventures is the winning combination.

 

[Sundance Kid]

I never hear from my family unless , someone get's married , graduates, or has a baby! Of course, I'm expected to respond with a gift, to acknowledge this event.

Sometimes,--- I've even gotten a thank you note.

BIL, sent a notice of graduation for his daughter. We sent her a small check. Never, got any acknowledgment. Found out later, She didn't graduate! Didn't get the check back, either.

Sometimes, people in the "drunk tank," show more appreciation, than family!

Check it out, it's true!

 

[W2R]

What do you do when your hometown (Seattle) has become so expensive it's a budget buster? My mom, sister, grandmother, and all my girlfriends never left but I have been moving around the country for 25 years. They live in homes they purchased before the massive real estate boom so although the cost of living is relatively high, they are doing okay. I visit several times a year but I do miss them and the city very much. My current home in OH would cost me 2.5-3X in Seattle so moving there (pre- or post-retirement) would require a major downsizing or foregoing home ownership completely. It's not yet time to retire, but the choices are very difficult.

My home is Kailua Beach, Oahu, Hawaii. So, I can relate. Housing is very costly there. I have had to resign myself to never moving back home. Besides, as you have probably noticed, home has changed over the past decades so really, "You Can't Go Home Again" (Thomas Wolfe?). After all this time, I have lost touch with my friends at home and family has dispersed or died so by now, I only have my mother, and a couple of other living relatives left back there, and my father's grave, of course. I loved my hometown and still love my mother, and have wonderful, vivid, irreplaceable memories, and nobody can take them away from me. But I have to move on.

In a way, we have choices that other people don't often have. Those who cannot return home can select where to retire from a more logical, objective point of view. We have more options than most people.

 

[My Dream]

I never hear from my family unless , someone get's married , graduates, or has a baby! Of course, I'm expected to respond with a gift, to acknowledge this event.

Sometimes,--- I've even gotten a thank you note.

BIL, sent a notice of graduation for his daughter. We sent her a small check. Never, got any acknowledgment. Found out later, She didn't graduate! Didn't get the check back, either.

Sometimes, people in the "drunk tank," show more appreciation, than family!

Check it out, it's true!

Oh My. I better keep my mouth shut!

 

[bostonjoe]

My wife stayed close to home when we married (1999). I got a peach of a job offer in 2000 in Hawaii and decided to stay in the N-East BECAUSE of ties to extended family.

In the words of my favorite actor, Bugs Bunny, "WHAT A MAROON!"

 

[Sundance Kid]

Oh My. I better keep my mouth shut!

I'm curious, as to the intent of your comment. You're not gonna hurt my feelings, if you care to be more direct. Granted,-- you don't know the whole story. And it's a waste of you time and mine to go thru the sordid details.

I'm not sure myself, what really happened. Time and distance, for one thing.
Other reasons,--I'm not sure about! ---Stuff happens, to the best families.

 

[My Dream]

I didn't want to offend based on those facts that you've stated, eg. I don't know all of the facts. All I will say is, it would bother me somewhat if the money wasn't given the oportunity to be returned since I felt, it could be given again should she graduate another time. There was a time when this similar situation happened and the check was offered back. At least the thought was there. When it comes to family and kids, some people take it VERY personal, therefore I felt it in everyone's interest to keep my mouth shut. In retrospect, maybe I should have kept my post shut also.

Sorry if I offended in any way shape or form.

 

[laurence]

My wife stayed close to home when we married (1999). I got a peach of a job offer in 2000 in Hawaii and decided to stay in the N-East BECAUSE of ties to extended family.

In the words of my favorite actor, Bugs Bunny, "WHAT A MAROON!"

Are you still married? If so, I think you were very wise in your choice. Every time I've made a "sacrifice" for DW, it's paid for itself and then some.

 

[bostonjoe]

Yes, still married to a great woman. We have wonderful 4 year old twins (boy/girl...it's a wrap) and I'd like them to grow up around aunts uncles and cousins since I didn't and still feel the void.
BUT...It's quite possible that the day they move off to college (hopefully) we move off to enjoy great privacy and peace in ER.

 

[TromboneAl]

Keep us posted, Joe, I'm interested to hear how you handle this.

 

[bostonjoe]

Yes, I'm interested to see how I handle it as well.

 

[old woman]

My family was from a tiny town in Eastern Washington, my aunt, uncle and cousins stayed there. My grandparents moved back in 1965 when he retired so for 41 years lived 240 miles from my parents and my siblings and me. This wasn't a problem until grandma was a widow and elderly. She died last fall at 98 when my mom was 80. The trip to see her got to be too much for mom and her sister and husband were too old to do it all. Now I am 20 minutes or so from mom and see her maybe once a month and I have brothers and nieces and nephews nearby. I might move farther from mom but not more than a 60 minute drive just to get cheaper housing. Since she is already 80 if I don't retire for 5 more years she will start to get old and when she is in her 90s might need help.

 

[dumpster56]

I am glad that my wife is now near her mom who now could use a bit of help. She is in her mid 70s and it is nice for her to have reconnected with her. Now her dad a crazy hypocondriac and drinker and self medicator with who knows what on some days is well a handful! I keep my distance with him HIGH MAINTENCE! I figured if I moved close to their house they or MY FATHERINLAW would never visit me to SPEND A WEEK OR TWO which was the normal routine the past 10 years every late summer when he did his visit old friends in NJ thing! So living near his house is well a good idea there.

Now my dad is a perpetual mover now heading back to florida after getting sick of the cold in PA. almost 80 and moving to Ocala in 3 weeks, bless him, now 500 miles south of me instead of 500 miles north of me.

The kids all grown and married no grand kids seem to be in the offing professionals that are still doing post docs and stuff. The son and DIL may move down here this summer. They better be getting an apartment because they can stay a few nights but that is it!We are NOT a long term rental!

 

[Orchidflower]

Married couple who work out with me have been away from family for 45 years. Moved back to hometown to be near family. His family he never hears from at all even though he has plenty of family here. She has a brother who asks them to every holiday dinner, but her brother has a few kids, grandkids and this couple have one Dr. son who never has married, so they feel they have less in common with this brother than they would like.
They moved gazillions of things when they came, and feel they are stuck here now. Not miserable, but not thrilled with the way things have turned out. I think they expected more to do with the families since they moved to be near them, but, after 45 years away, they really hardly know them (think about it).
I think they would have been better off going to Brevard, NC, where they were looking. Tons of boomers moving there and new territories to explore. They are a strong married unit, and should have just found things they both love and not considered family in this instance. I can tell they feel that is what they should have done, too, but too late now they feel.
Sometimes the fantasy of moving back to this wonderful family life doesn't exist in reality!

 

[youbet]

Sometimes the fantasy of moving back to this wonderful family life doesn't exist in reality!

Yep, and that concept has come up on this thread before. There is indeed a big difference between moving to be with family you haven't been close to in decades and moving away from family you live near and love to be with. With the former, you don't really know what you'll be getting into since you've been gone a long, long time. With the latter, you know exactly what you're leaving, since you're with them regularly.

It's not productive to try to qualify being near or far from family as good or bad. It can be absolutely wonderful or horrible depending on you and your family. Personally, I do think it is a plus in life to have a good relationship with family. But, if that isn't how it worked out for someone, it's probably best to just try to minimize a bad thing.

We feel blessed to be near lots of both my and DW's family.....four generations. We appreciate those we see regularly and those we only see at wakes and weddings! But we certainly understand that no two families are the same!

 

[Michael Moore]

Friends are the family you get to choose.

Blood is not necessarily thicker than water. "Family" can easily be a synonym for "strangers".

Expecting people you've had minimal (if that much) contact with for XX years to suddenly make you an integral part of their lives seems very optimistic.

If you've got a close relationship with relatives, enjoy it. If you don't, find some friends to share your life with.

cheers,
Michael