Issues associated with "mixed retirement" (for couples)

[EastWest Gal]

You nailed it Ha, concerning the talking bit. I learned my job is to listen daily to her job complaints. Being not married, I don't have the latitude a friend of mine has. He put a "only one comment about work today" rule in, so he doesn't have to listen to her go on and on.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

I long ago found that if I talk about work when I got home, I brought the worst of work home, which is just dumb. DH was a stay at home dad. He would never have found a Megacorp job, as a musician. He needed my physician's income, and his always preparing for another gig, whether a local musical theater production, a new big band arrangement, or a classical gig means my home is frequently filled with gorgeous piano music.

He's great at laundry. I do the cooking mostly. We'll keep our same chores when I retire but I 'll add to mine. And we both have our "alone time " already set.

 

[jetpack]

I'm a single retired male aged 42, so I don't really have this problem yet... But, I have had
it in the dating scene. They ask me, what have I been doing all day? Not much. I think they see me as more of a deadbeat. If they married me, they wouldn't have to work, but I don't think they get that.

 

[MuirWannabe]

My situation is similar but not identical. My GF has adequate money. She works full time, and it does take time away from things I would like to do with her. Once you have a girlfriend, you are not supposed to fill in with other women if she cannot or doesn't want to do something you want to do, so that is something of a negative. OTOH, when your GF is busy working she is not going to be hanging around your neck, so your day or evening is rarely going to reflect mostly her interests. No chance you will ever have to see Oprah or The View.

For my part, I don't live with her, so it would not make sense for me to take on chores. I do help her if she has something heavy to move, or something unusual like this. I couldn't even do this for quite a while when I was stove up with a bad hip, but that is past and I am happy to be able to help out here. IMO, this is something a boyfriend had better be willing to do, or he will likely be replaced. I have also become a good listener, so when work gets to be a pain for her, I will listen with no comment other than, Oh, I see, no wonder you are upset-for as long as she wants me to. I think this alone is worth its weight in gold, although women can usually get this service from woman friends or from clever men looking to move in on the incumbent.

Ha

You reduce the male/female relationship down in such transactional terms. It cracks me up. Not sure if I agree with your relationship views or not. But I always find them entertaining.

 

[aja8888]

My situation is similar but not identical. My GF has adequate money. She works full time, and it does take time away from things I would like to do with her. Once you have a girlfriend, you are not supposed to fill in with other women if she cannot or doesn't want to do something you want to do, so that is something of a negative. OTOH, when your GF is busy working she is not going to be hanging around your neck, so your day or evening is rarely going to reflect mostly her interests. No chance you will ever have to see Oprah or The View.

For my part, I don't live with her, so it would not make sense for me to take on chores. I do help her if she has something heavy to move, or something unusual like this. I couldn't even do this for quite a while when I was stove up with a bad hip, but that is past and I am happy to be able to help out here. IMO, this is something a boyfriend had better be willing to do, or he will likely be replaced. I have also become a good listener, so when work gets to be a pain for her, I will listen with no comment other than, Oh, I see, no wonder you are upset-for as long as she wants me to. I think this alone is worth its weight in gold, although women can usually get this service from woman friends or from clever men looking to move in on the incumbent.

Ha

You reduce the male/female relationship down in such transactional terms. It cracks me up. Not sure if I agree with your relationship views or not. But I always find them entertaining.

It's a function of age, experience, relationship history, and what you feel is important at that point in your life.

 

[Sarah in SC]

Topical thread for me. I'm retiring soon at 42 years old, while my my wife insists that she may very well work for another ten years or more. She seems very at peace with this arrangement, though the worry wort in me is looking high and low for possible problems that may crop up in the future. She loves her job - great money, enjoys the social aspect of her co-workers - she knows very well the toll my job is taking on me. She is actually urging me to quit - seems like a no brainer. Yet, I can't shake the feeling that danger can lurk in such an arrangement.

I'm soaking up all the info in this thread.

Not unreasonable to wonder. DH is 8 years older, and left work last June. I've got at least 5, and probably closer to 10 that I'll work, for a variety of reasons. He's had some struggles with finding purpose, and finding ways to fill his time. He's picked up a few of my tasks and is also much easier to schedule for errands that need doing.

The most important thing to me is that he's happy not to be working at the place he did, and that is worth all the growing pains we've experienced. Our lives are a bit more complicated by some extended travel (just spent 4 weeks tent camping together, and he's due to leave soon for a 6 week trip with some buddies returning to Mongolia). Deciding that he could do that trip was a big deal, not only for costs, but also for leaving me with running the household entirely on my own. Fortunately we've had a good friend move in with us before our 4 week trip, and he's staying to help out and keep me company.

Expect change, and ask questions. I tend to think I already know the answers to questions, so I forget to ask them. That helps a lot in transition times like you are getting ready to experience.

 

[haha]

I'm a single retired male aged 42, so I don't really have this problem yet... But, I have had
it in the dating scene. They ask me, what have I been doing all day? Not much. I think they see me as more of a deadbeat. If they married me, they wouldn't have to work, but I don't think they get that.

It is in your everlasting interest to be sure they never do get that.

Best to get a woman who thinks she is saving you, not one looking for an annuity.

Ha

 

[JustCurious]

It is in your everlasting interest to be sure they never do get that.

Best to get a woman who thinks she is saving you, not one looking for an annuity.

Ha

I get what you are saying and I agree. But the problem is a woman who views you as a deadbeat may come to the wrong conclusion and reject you for the wrong reason. She could be neutral on the issue, but if she thinks you are a deadbeat, she will want to find someone who is at least not a deadbeat.

 

[Totoro]

I get what you are saying and I agree. But the problem is a woman who views you as a deadbeat may come to the wrong conclusion and reject you for the wrong reason. She could be neutral on the issue, but if she thinks you are a deadbeat, she will want to find someone who is at least not a deadbeat.

You can always say you are an artist or philosopher

On a more serious note, I am probably financial independent right now and already struggling with the same issue. It's hard to even bring up the subject but necessary since it has such a fundamental effect on life's options and constraints. Simple example: if girl wants to go abroad and have a career there, I can tag along, no issue!

It's always something though: If you have a steady job you are boring, an ambitious job and you are never there or only think about money, being FIRE'd (unemployed) makes you an unreliable deadbeat

I've come to the conclusion that I'm not responsible for other people's perceptions of me. Will do my best though to ease someone into my life and specifics, I know I'm an outlier.

 

[aja8888]

Jetpack: Why not try to find a woman that is set up financially like you and doesn't care to have a job?

 

[ohyes]

DH and i were both teachers. He bowled me over when he announced one night that this was his last year. Retiring was not on my radar. About once a week, I would ask, Are you sure?!??!

He always was.

So, he retired. Did all the cooking (except for weekends), laundry, vacuuming. Life for me was sweet. I loved my job and came home each M-F to dinner and a clean house.

EXCEPT: DH was sooooo darn happy. I was envious and retired the next year. I wanted what he had.

Best decision ever.

 

[martyb]

Maybe if the husband retires early and the DW continues to work, it may be "different".

I'm about to find out.....in 2 weeks!

 

[DFA]

I retired 6 months about and DW is still at it for another 15 months to get her time in for FERS retirement and to finish her BA (it is one of her goals).

I have taken on the domestic chores, DW helps when she wants to, just fine with me, she is also very busy with school so I try to do whatever I can to help her not have to worry about stuff around the house. I am getting better with the chores, DW points out stuff I miss or could do differently, and when I shop I am getting the hang of coupons, and prices of stuff.

Big thing now is trying to downsize stuff to sell Mc Mansion next year before we get ready to move to Ireland (got DW to sign off on the plan).

 

[Mulligan]

I'm a single retired male aged 42, so I don't really have this problem yet... But, I have had
it in the dating scene. They ask me, what have I been doing all day? Not much. I think they see me as more of a deadbeat. If they married me, they wouldn't have to work, but I don't think they get that.

I think the average person associates retired with being old, and it is hard to come to gripes with. Anytime my GF is asked about who she is dating and what I do for a living, she tells me she always says retired but is only 3 years older than her. They never asked how old I was. I guess she has to immediately interject that because she envisions them thinking she is involved with some old sugar daddy. I am not old, nor am I rich. So I don't know why she adds in my age other than for them to think I am young and rich which is not true either.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

[Dd852]

DW retired in 2008 and I did it (semi) in 2012. She developed a bit of a solitary routine while I was still working and traveling heavily for megacorp, and while it is absolutely great to have more time together now, it is also important that I have other things to do and places to go to get out of her hair once in a while so she can keep on with her independent life! (and I can too!).

 

[martyp]

Has anyone had experience being a "mixed retirement couple?" meaning one partner retires while the other continues to work. Was it a difficult transition? Was it a positive or negative experience? Did it put a strain on your relationship? How did the situation resolve itself?

Retirement And Marriage: The Pitfalls Of Being A Mixed-Retirement Couple

I don't think I am buying into the premise of the article. It mentions toward the end that almost no couple retires at the same time. What is so unusual about one person retiring before the other? Especially if one is older than the other and maybe has worked more years.

In the 50's & 60's the angst was about whether the wife should go to work at all. Now the problem is that she is still working? Really. Some people are never satisfied.

It is true that men have never shouldered their share of the household chores. But it has been modern times for a long time now. If the husband is retired then assuming more household chores should not be an issue.

The problem with the guy in the article is that he was unprepared for retired life in general. He is going to have problems whether his wife is retired or not.

I ER'ed 3 yrs ago. I do most of the housework and all of the cooking. I volunteer. I travel on my own. DW still w*rks but is planning on ERing next year. My biggest (silent) complaint is listening to her w*rk stories and complaints. Office politics and incompetence looks sillier and sillier as time goes by for me. I keep telling DW that when she retires she is going to look back on these last couple of years and wonder why she worked so hard and took all that crap so seriously.

 

[JustCurious]

I don't think I am buying into the premise of the article. It mentions toward the end that almost no couple retires at the same time. What is so unusual about one person retiring before the other?

Nobody said it was unusual.

 

[rodi]

My husband is almost 10 years older than me. He thought he'd work until age 67 or older. His work started slowing down significantly - with him working part time to VERY part time after 2009. (One firm he worked for closed down when he was the last employee - he and his project were handed off to another firm until he wrapped up that project.)

As he worked less - he picked up more household duties - mainly getting the kids to/from school. Last year they went to two different schools and the only way it worked was with him doing the bulk of the driving. He also took his good cooking skills to another level of awesomeness... so it became common to come home to fresh raviolis from scratch - with homemade pesto made from basil he grew in the garden. He retired all the way in January when he turned 62.

I started talking about retiring in 2015... he expressed nervousness about it. Would it be too much togetherness? Time will tell since I retired on Thursday.

What's different than most (except maybe FUEGO) - we still have minor children at home... so we won't have a chance to really see if we groove together as retired folks until they go off to college.

 

[kcowan]

We have worked at the right routine to get out of each others' hair so that we have different experiences to talk about each day. I have my hiking/biking buddies and she has her yoga and lunching buddies.

 

[youbet]

I am in a very unique spot.

We've all sensed that you're unique right from the beginning Mulligan!

she can't afford the risk of me dying.

And this is how you want it to be. Protective and practical to a fault, I have insurance, survivor benefits, etc., set up so that DW would be at least as well off financially without me as with me. I've been rethinking that a bit lately..........

 

[youbet]

DW RE'd at 55 yo. I think her plan was that I'd work until I was 115. That was derailed when MegaCorp canned my sorry ass at 58, 3 years after DW RE'd. She agreed to allow me to call my termination retirement and her 3 years of being home while I worked ended.

She said she misses me working. That was 8 years ago this month.

 

[FUEGO]

You can always say you are an artist or philosopher

Just tell her you're an out of work paramour aggressively searching for new positions.

 

[haha]

I get what you are saying and I agree. But the problem is a woman who views you as a deadbeat may come to the wrong conclusion and reject you for the wrong reason. She could be neutral on the issue, but if she thinks you are a deadbeat, she will want to find someone who is at least not a deadbeat.

This is a good point. However when I was dating I figured there are plenty of them out there, and I was not trying to tie anyone up, so why not have a truth detector in place? Another idea is to wear one at least moderately expensive item of clothing, like good shoes. Women notice everything, they will certainly notice expensive shoes. Or if it is something requiring a tie, for $75 to $125 you can always get a beautiful Emilio Zegna tie which can be used over and over. But these are not enough to set off gold digger jonesing.

Also one's speech tells a lot.


Ha

 

[friar1610]

I was completely retired for about 2 years before my wife retired. Things worked out pretty well for us during that period, but I either learned or intuited a few things that probably helped the process:

- If she wanted to get a walk/run in before work, she had to get up at 5:15. (We had done this together while we were both working.) I figured out pretty quickly that rolling over and saying, "I think I'll do my workout later" was not a big hit. So I got up and we did it together. (I won't say I never went back to bed after she left for work.) But I think if the retired spouse can more or less adhere to the schedule of the working spouse it goes a long way toward amicability.

- We had employed a guy to mow the lawn and a lady to clean the house weekly for a few years. I had already figured out that with less income and more time on my hands, it would make sense to rediscover the lawnmower and also to take over a big weekly house cleaning. The house cleaning, in particular, went over well since for many years she was a SAHM and got to do all that. Plus, I did a better job than the cleaning lady and I would even "do" windows.

- I am pretty useless in the kitchen, so I did not have a nice meal prepared when she got home. BUT, if she said, "I don't want to cook tonight; let's go out," I always said "Great idea!" whether or not I really wanted to go out.

- If there was an errand or chore she was feeling like she had to do during the next weekend but didn't really want to, I would always volunteer to do it during the preceding week. Fortunately, she often felt that my skill set didn't measure up to completing the task properly, so I was off the hook but still got credit for offering.

The above said, for those two years I had a two day per week, 6 hour a day volunteer gig that kept me busy and occupied those days. So she realized that in addition to things I mention above, I wasn't just sitting around all day eating ice cream or drinking beer.

Just my experience. YMMV.