Living Apart Together

[bjorn2bwild]

Don't shoot the Bjorn, he only wants to help.

I have considered something like what you suggest to solve a two-speed retirement plan, but only for 1-2yrs. I'm still working on the idea.
The only way to know for sure if the plan will work for you is to give it a try. There is no subsitute for empirical knowledge.

I have done small footprint moves - rent a house for 6mos., take just what you need in a small moving van, keep it simple. And I have traveled by RV. Both would work as low risk trial runs.

Please read my signature, good luck

 

[Amethyst]

OP, you can't demand specificity on a public forum, or disdain opinions simply because they are labeled opinions. Questions are public property and the answers are supposed to be for everyone. People may not care to share details. Would you prefer a dead question with no responses?

I was caused immense pain by an arrangement such as you describe, and I attempted to generalize from what I learned from that experience. Of course I am not you or your wife, so how would my details benefit you anyway? Take it or leave it....people are not getting the details

A.

When I first read several of your responses, I sat down and cranked off a very long, detailed, and heated response...

When I posted my original questions, I asked people WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED THAT LIVING ARRANGEMENT to share with us if it worked or not, and why. I’m not interested in your opinions or advice regarding my marriage. And I’m not interested in your responses if you haven’t been there, or don’t know someone who’s been there.

 

[heeyy_joe]

HOGANS HEROES MONTAGE - YouTube

 

[trapperjohn]

This is exactly our situation, Bjorn. We've been married for 30+ years with no intention of divorce. DW stayed home to raise the kids and then went back to work. Her career is rising, but mine is winding down. We're thinking of me living down south (with frequent and extended trips home) for a few years until both she and I can agree on something else.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Wh...
When I posted my original questions, I asked people WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED THAT LIVING ARRANGEMENT to share with us if it worked or not, and why.....And I’m not interested in your responses if you haven’t been there, or don’t know someone who’s been there.

I’ve been doing quite a bit of research about non-financial aspects of retirement living. I’ve read about this “living apart together” arrangement from a couple of different sources, but I’m wondering how realistic it is. So let me repeat my original request: I'd like to hear from any of you who have tried or are now "living apart together". Is it working for you. If not, why not?

Well, all righty then.

I know one couple with grown children who voluntarily has chosen to maintain separate households yet remain married but they are not in your situation (they are in the same city).

I imagine you would find many couples in your one-retired, one-not in the snowbird/vacation home areas. A friend spends several weeks a year going back and forth. This is not at all unusual and it sounds more like what you are describing while your DW is still working or are you planning to move all your possessions out of the family house?

 

[Idnar7]

My ex-in-laws had an arrangement like this. He liked his lake home up north and she preferred a warmer climate. She bought a trailer in the SE and spent the six winter months there. They grew apart over time and when she would come to the house for the summer they basically lived on separate floors in their large house. They never divorced, and lived like this for several years. He passed and she immediately sold the house. Not saying this would happen to you, but is an actual example, as you asked.

 

[calmloki]

For a number of years my gal was doing two weeks on/two home with me while caring for her mother. About a thousand miles away. It was a difficult time that had lasting repercussions as we both learned new habits. Living apart, though for the best of reasons, was not good for us.

 

[Meadbh]

I know a couple who did this. She had a good job and was very attached to her work. He lost his job, tried another opportunity in the same city, didn't' like it, found a better job in another city, and moved there. He commuted home regularly. This continued for about 10 years, until he retired and moved back "home". She is still working. They are both independent, self sufficient people, from different parts of the world, and they have always taken separate vacations to their countries of origin or to visit their adult children. The arrangement worked for them, and they don't care what other people think. The difference between this couple and the OP's situation is that the separation was driven by a need to find satisfying work.

 

[Greg V]

The last 11 years before I retired, I worked in another state/city about 4 hours away...too far for a daily commute. So...I was home on the weekends and went to work from an apartment in that other location during the week.

The combination of DW being in the same location as both of our extended families and not having children that needed my presence made this workable, though not desirable. However, the pay and benefits (which allowed me to early retire comfortably) were important in the longer term...and we discussed all our options before choosing to live apart. A last item that I believe was vital to this arrangement was that, however long it lasted, we knew that when I retired, we would be together full time. I can attest since I retired last year, being together is wonderful. It sounds like living apart is not a permanent arrangement in your case, no matter which option you choose. I believe that fact is important to the success of your plan.

Other items that came into play from this arrangement...cost to have multiple residences, increased travel/auto costs, need to file income taxes in two states come to mind immediately...may also be in play for your situation.

Best of luck as you and your spouse come up with the way ahead.

 

[W2R]

I'm almost ready to RE and move to a warmer climate. DW has no interest in retiring or moving anywhere at any time in the future. We're seriously thinking of remaining married, but living apart....in our case, living quite a long way apart.

Kids are all grown and living scattered across the country. Finances and healthcare are also not an issue or consideration.

Recently I read that many couples consider this living arrangement because they cannot or will not find an acceptable compromise. It's called "living apart together".

There is a HUGE difference between doing this while working and doing this while retired.

In the first case, you are generally moving away and living apart because you have to... due to the location requirements of the job.

In the second case, you are generally moving away and living apart because you want to and not because you have to.

I know many couples who have successfully lived apart while working, including me as a Navy wife for many years. I knew what I was getting into when I married a sea-going man so it was no surprise when he had to go. But frankly, I don't know any couples who lived in different parts of the country 100% of the time while retired, without gravely insulting the spouse (by valuing the spouse less than, say, climate, or some such triviality) and ending the marriage.

So we are not supposed to mention divorce? Sounds to me like you want to hear what you want to hear. Sorry to bring divorce up once again, but the real life outcomes I have seen (but will not detail here) have not been at all what you want to hear.

 

[Ronstar]

And I think this type of arrangement gets tougher as one ages. More trips to doctors, etc and plenty of other things that we once did ourselves now take a couple to conquer.

 

[trapperjohn]

So we are not supposed to mention divorce? Sounds to me like you want to hear what you want to hear. Sorry to bring divorce up once again, but the real life outcomes I have seen (but will not detail here) have not been at all what you want to hear.

W2R, I’m not at all opposed to mentioning divorce. Especially if someone has experienced living apart (or knows someone who has) and divorce became a factor.

What I’m opposed to is your automatic assumption that I value my wife less than weather just because of the way I worded the question. I opposed FinanceDude’s automatic assumption that our marriage has problems just because I asked the question.

I didn’t ask the question because I want to justify something that I’ve already decided to do. I asked the question because I’ve read mostly passing references to the arrangement in other sources. I didn’t think it was widespread, but I wanted to hear the good, the bad, and the ugly from people who have experienced it.

Contrary to the incorrect assumptions, there have been several people who have posted replies here about the living arrangement. They’ve shared the negative side of the arrangement, which I did not hear from my other sources, so I’m thankful.

And as I said before….it’s a free country….post away!

 

[Moemg]

Living in Florida I see plenty of people vacationing here without there spouses . Guys doing golf junkets or spring training trips . Women taking cruises without their spouses. In fact a huge segment of travel now focus on women get aways . Just because we are in committed relationships doesn't mean we have to be glued to the hip .Go for it . The only thing to be careful of the Florida Barracudas and I am not referring to the fish . I am referring to the excess of single women that are on the lookout for a guy and a wedding ring will not deter them.

 

[Gumby]

What I’m opposed to is your automatic assumption that I value my wife less than weather just because of the way I worded the question.

Then I'd say it was a poorly worded question.

 

[DeborahB]

I have not tried this arrangement but have thought about it a bit. My SO doesn't seem to want to leave the area we live in - even for many vacations. I'm retired (he is mostly retired and also is self-employed).

I travel a lot so I can enjoy warmer weather or a different part of the country or world for a couple of weeks here and there. He doesn't mind - I wish he liked to travel more but he doesn't. But I can't say for you whether your "married living apart" scenario would have a good outcome - I just know for me, I'd rather do as I'm doing.

I would be curious to hear from people who live apart that way, though.

EDIT: We kind of did this for years, but in the same city. He came and stayed with me on weekends and we talked every night. There were logistical reasons for his not moving. In any case, we did see each other on weekends so it didn't have the impact of a several-months-apart scenario. It was hard on the relationship - and this lasted maybe 12 - 13 years We've been together 20+ years.

 

[MichaelB]

This is an interesting thread but the OP seems to want only a certain type of response or some very specific experience.

I'm almost ready to RE and move to a warmer climate. DW has no interest in retiring or moving anywhere at any time in the future. We're seriously thinking of remaining married, but living apart....in our case, living quite a long way apart.

This begs the question, do you plan on getting together regularly? Is this a situation where each will have a base but both will spend considerable time together across both locations? Or, each remains in a different location all of the time? An additional question, is the plan to live together once again in the future once some criteria is met, or is this an indefinite separation?

Edit to add: the intention of these questions is not to look for more details regarding the marriage, its to help find the specific experience needed to post more helpful responses.

 

[haha]

I believe that most people who have relationships are looking for certain things. Companionship, intellectual stimulation, sexual gratification, physical help with things like moving the furniture or sewing on a button. All of these can be outsourced for money or other forms of payment, and some of them can be satisfied to one degree or another on the phone, but it gets kind of thin.

I know one couple where the woman was retired for several years, and the guy retired a couple years ago, maybe five years after she had retired. Though she had plans for some activities that they might do together, he was off for China 3 months after his retirement on a 2 year contract. Her friends of course all advised her to get a lover and fast, but as best I know she was too intimidated to give this much thought, though I do not know, and do not want to know.

I know I want no part of any of it, but she is pretty good looking in that austere Northern European way and she is a skilled dancer so she might be just what some other guy is looking for.

But there is plenty of time for her to reconsider any of this, as he announced that the has never in his lifetime been happier and he re-upped on his contract. My guess is that he may never return, though he has invited her to visit him over there twice I think. Meanwhile she tries her best to deal with the obvious and humiliating rejection that both of them seem to ignore.



Ha

 

[sengsational]

The only living apart example I know of involves a friend of my wife who married a submariner who was away long stretches. The mom, and independent type managed the kids and her job. The batch of kids went off to college and the dad came home from sea for good. That's when the relationship ended. So the moral of the story, I guess, is "apart can be good"?

 

[Milton]

There is a HUGE difference between doing this while working and doing this while retired. In the first case, you are generally moving away and living apart because you have to... due to the location requirements of the job. In the second case, you are generally moving away and living apart because you want to and not because you have to....

I don't know any couples who lived in different parts of the country 100% of the time while retired, without gravely insulting the spouse (by valuing the spouse less than, say, climate, or some such triviality) and ending the marriage.

... Sounds to me like you want to hear what you want to hear.

+1

FWIW, I certainly didn't find FinanceDude's post to be offensive. The initial post indicated that you and your wife "cannot or will not find an acceptable compromise". Any couple in that unfortunate situation might well benefit from a sincere heart-to-heart, and/or counselling. That is not the same thing as suggesting that either or both partners are bad people, or not properly respecting their marital vows.

 

[harley]

I know two couples who have done this. In one situation the wife fell in love with Florida, moved there, and became a real estate agent, while the husband stayed in the DC area and ran his business. They would see each other for a couple of weeks a year, mostly holidays with the family.

The other one the wife stayed in the DC area, continues to work, and has a very busy social life. The husband spends 9 months in San Diego being nanny to his grandkids, then comes home for the summer when his teacher daughter has time off. But even then they go their different ways.

In neither case do they have anything I would call a relationship. They are married, but have very little to do with each other. I don't see how it could be otherwise, personally. But good luk to you if you decide to go that way.

 

[Turn_the_Page]

Sorry, but you may have bigger marital problems that you realize. I know "it's cheaper to keep her", but really? Maybe some serious joint soul-searching needs to be in your future. What does your gut tell you?

 

[tmm99]

I have done it for a few months when I was younger, with my husband (now ex-husband). It was very difficult for both of us, but he was laid off and couldn't find anything where we were, so it was necessary. We decided to do it for *our* future.

I did the same thing with my SO (now ex-SO). Circumstances were not quite the same. He found a job of his dreams (He already had a very good paying job), and decided to move out of state. I decided to stay behind because although nothing was stopping me from moving with him. I remember I felt that I wouldn't have done what he did because I valued being together more than a "job of my dreams", but I understood where we was coming from. I also felt that that was the tone of our relationship (put ones wants and desires first and see if the other can compromise/cope.) We still intended to continue our relationship and we did. I did move eventually to where he lived (1.5 years later - better paying jobs where he moved.), but I felt I knew where I stood in our relationship.

Obviously, marriages/relationships are defined differently by different people, and priorities can be so different depending upon what you expect/want from the relationship, so it's hard to compare the living arrangement other couples have, but personally, I would want to be in a relationship in which my spouse/SO values our togetherness more than job opportunities (unless you cannot make a living where you are), or social network, or a good weather (unless there are some medical reasons a good weather is highly beneficial.) This is just me. I know many people do what you are tentemplating on doing, and it is a perfect arrangement for many people (I can tell that from some of the posts others made. Some married people are more loosely coupled than others). I am just not built in the way that I would enjoy that kind of living arrangement. (I didn't.)

I know this is not my thread, but thank you for posting your question. I am confirming with more conviction what I value in my relationship!

 

[Katsmeow]

I believe that most people who have relationships are looking for certain things. Companionship, intellectual stimulation, sexual gratification, physical help with things like moving the furniture or sewing on a button. All of these can be outsourced for money or other forms of payment, and some of them can be satisfied to one degree or another on the phone, but it gets kind of thin.

This is a good point. I know that these things were an issue when DH and I lived in separate houses for over a year. Many of these were mitigated because I saw him almost every day. The house I was in for the last year of this was literally 2 minutes from the house he was in. We both use computers a lot so we would often spend a couple of hours a day on Skype talking. Even after we moved into our current house (together) we have separate offices but still talk on Skype a lot while each on our own computers. The help with things is one that I think is sometimes not thought about much. I had other people with me (teenage children) but there was no doubt that I had to do a lot more stuff than I have to do when DH is with me. I could call him to come over and help with things since he was close but I still did more stuff on my own.

Another point to make from an ER standoint is that things were more expensive in having to maintain two households. In our situation it was still the best alternative. But, this is still an important point to consider

However, you have to remember that you have to pay for 2 places to live 2 sets of furniture, 2 internet connections, 2 electric bills, 2 insurances whether for a home or tenant's insurance, etc. Even groceries tended to be more expensive since you couldn't share the cost of certain things.

 

[freebird5825]

The only experience I have with this is my late husband's very frequent and often extended travels (longest was 26 days, average was 1-2 weeks) for his j*b. It was not a choice, but a necessity. I hated the constant time apart, but in the long run it kept our marriage fresh.
I was very proud of what he was doing.
I am very independent and had my own social life. The locals always wondered when they saw me out by myself, but I just laughed at their small-mindedness. We had no children, so I was free to do what I wanted to.

These days...Mr B and I live together, unmarried. He is retired, I am voluntarily unemployed. He has interests that I do not share, and vice versa.
So I go on 1-2 day overnight trips to go to the lake, visit with former cow*rkers who have camps, and may even do a bus trip solo if a decent one pops up on the horizon. He encourages me to continue to do so, without dragging him along. I think he likes being
King of the Castle, i.e. bachelor time with the dog.
I attend Legion functions with him whenever he asks me to. Some can be a bit dry, but we both like to go as a couple. We mingle together and separately throughout the night. I am meeting some really neat people.

I would never consider living apart for any length of time.

 

[Sue J]

I know a couple who have been married about 30 years. Around 6 or 7 years ago the husband's employer was bought out by a megacorp. He took a position at the other end of the state as a temporary measure to stay with the company. He moved there and came home most weekends. This later turned into an opportunity with the megacorp in Florida. The wife stayed here in Ohio because their adult kids are here and she likes their home and this area. He flies home every two weeks for a long weekend and then goes back to Florida.

In their case they are doing this for his job. I hope it's worth it for them. I hope it's a case of absence making the heart grow fonder and that he still feels like he's coming home to her and his family rather than visiting.

After so long this no longer looks temporary. To outsiders it looks strange, but that shouldn't matter if it's what works for them.