Living With the Spouse in ER

[ScaredtoQuit]

Last week, a buddy of mine from work who retired two years ago called me up to ask when I was going to join him. We had a pleasant conversation about my own plans and in the course of the conversation, I asked him where he was. (He has two homes - one in the NJ suburbs and one in southwestern Virginia. He explained that he was calling from Virginia but that his DW was in NJ.

To make a long story short, DW was driving him crazy and he had decided to "take a break" by going to live at his other home for a couple of weeks. I am wondering... is this a big problem when both parties have ER'ed? If any of you have experienced this, what have you done to deal with the situation?

 

[Peaceful_Warrior]

I've heard similar stories, or less-serious things with people who aren't retired but are forced to spend time at home away from the office (such as short-term disability, etc).

One solution has been to travel. Another is to learn to communicate and find balance in the relationship. And another is to live in separate houses.

Tons of options, but really whatever makes both people the happiest is what matters.

 

[farmerEd]

We've never had that problem - we have the opposite in fact. We do well when we are together almost all the time, and tend to have more problems the more time we spend apart. Having always worked from home, the transition to ER was not difficult in that respect, but it is certainly not an unheard of problem by any means.

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Gaining a lot more exposure identifies some issues and resolves some.

Let me simplify this a little bit...most people have had a long distance relationship, and many have tried closing that gap by a variety of means only to find that what worked long distance either worked more or less well after increasing the time spent together.

Indeed its a challenge for communication, not just to resolve the issues that come up but to identify them for what they are in the first place.

Otherwise you have a few displeasing conversations that start with "Would...you...stop...that...BREATHING!"

I remember one couple that ER'ed together who created a pair of 'offices' in their homes, where they'd go to create some separation time for a few hours each day, on a schedule. They occasionally made lunch dates with each other to happen during this time.

Worked out well for them.

For others, a larger house, a workshop, some scheduled classes, a few separate day trips.

Or in other cases where the increased time together works out great...none of the above.

 

[audreyh1]

I have heard stories! I have heard of guys who continued to work so they didn't have to be at home! I have heard of women who really don't want their husband at home all day "under their feet".

I really wonder why these people stay married........

I did wonder a little if we would be together "too much" when we both retired and if we would get tired of it. But it turned out to be just GREAT! In fact now we inhabit an even smaller space of just two "rooms" (a motorhome) - and we are often in the same room each doing our own thing. We still do most things away from home together - even after 7 years retired (getting closer to 8 ).

Audrey

 

[Khan]

Anecdotal:

My sister and an aunt were both married to career Navy men (sister was also Navy and reserve); both separated after husband retired from Navy.

No adultery , no violence..., just not used to someone around all the time.

 

[Nords]

Anecdotal:
My sister and an aunt were both married to career Navy men (sister was also Navy and reserve); both separated after husband retired from Navy.
No adultery , no violence..., just not used to someone around all the time.

One of the DoD studies we'll never see is the breakdown of the actual divorce rates among the services and their respective communities.

A cycnical observer of military retirees would predict that the spouses filed for divorce only after the pension was fully vested.

It's hard to blame the spouses who are left on their own to raise a family, and the veterans who return in anticipation of "commanding" a home only to find that they're no longer in charge.

 

[youbet]

If any of you have experienced this, what have you done to deal with the situation?

No problem for us. Some weeks we're together all the time. Others, one of us is travelling or involved in a time consuming project away from home and we hardly see one another. Sometimes it's a mix. We'd probably grow tired of being together constantly or apart constantly.

 

[Khan]

One of the DoD studies we'll never see is the breakdown of the actual divorce rates among the services and their respective communities.

A cycnical observer of military retirees would predict that the spouses filed for divorce only after the pension was fully vested.

It's hard to blame the spouses who are left on their own to raise a family, and the veterans who return in anticipation of "commanding" a home only to find that they're no longer in charge.

That pretty much sums it up.

My sister and her husband did reconcile ( I assume it involved renegotiating).

 

[Nords]

20 years ago this month, U.S. Naval Institute's PROCEEDINGS magazine published an article titled "The Emotional Cycle of Deployment". I still have that article in my Navy file-- PDF copies available upon request.

For an updated version, try this link:
http://www.hooah4health.com/deployment/familymatters/emotionalcycle.htm

or Google "the emtional cycle of deployment".

It's more than you ever wanted to know about coping with spouse separation (from both sides). It's also more than you ever wanted to know about coping with spouse reunions-- not always a joyful event...

 

[dumpster56]

Hummm

My wife is my best buddie. I like to be around her and she me.

We made the right choice.

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Just do note that some friendships have time limits and that there is too much of a good thing. I think some folks get confused when they start spending more time together and find themselves not enjoying it or not understanding the other persons resulting grumpiness.

Heck, I used to know a woman that I really, really liked for about an hour but more than that and it started getting on my nerves. Same with her. After a day or two of isolation, we found we could like each other a whole lot again for another hour. Then...not so much. Very odd.

 

[JustCurious]

I have heard that having a mistress makes the time spent with the wife much more enjoyable.

 

[yakers]

I have heard that having a mistress makes the time spent with the wife much more enjoyable.

And I heard it the other way around.

 

[garrynky]

This may sound weird. I've been married 40 years to the same woman. She is the love of my life. I can't imagine being anywhere, anytime without her. The more time I spend with her the better. (disclaimer..I hope she reads this post.)

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

I have heard that having a mistress makes the time spent with the wife much more enjoyable.

In the case I mentioned, I was the misterstress.

Which pretty much summed it up.

 

[Martha]

For an updated version, try this link:
http://www.hooah4health.com/deployment/familymatters/emotionalcycle.htm

I read this simply because I was intriged by a website called hooah4health.

 

[Jarhead*]

This may sound weird. I've been married 40 years to the same woman. She is the love of my life. I can't imagine being anywhere, anytime without her. The more time I spend with her the better.

Doesn't sound weird to me. (It just sounds like you haven't retired full time yet.

Audry reports that she's pulled off this tricky manuever successfully for quite a while.

A Royal-Flush isn't "Impossible" to draw, just highly unlikely.

Golf and fly-fishing lessons by appt. only.

Jarhead