Marriage--post retirement

[Martha]

My husband gradually retired over several years and has been completely retired for the past year or so. I have wondered what it will be like for both of us to spend so much time together after I retire. In fact, one of the reasons I have gone part time before fully retiring is that I think we need to phase into new routines where we spend more time together.

When we go on long vacations together, we love the vacations, but I also sort of like getting back to work. I think he is glad to see me go back to work too, but he never would say so. We can get a bit testy with each other if we spend too much time together. His habits are different than mine. He is slow to get moving in the morning and I am a morning person. He likes to putz around. I like to get moving.

I don't want to blow this out of proportion. We have a great relationship and I want to be married to him for the rest of my life.

Anyone face difficulties in adapting to changes in married life that retirement brings? Any suggestions?

 

[Nords]

No problem.

Paint a big line down the middle of the house... no, wait, that's for fighting siblings.

It's still a Mars/Venus compromise. I've read about couples who observe a his/hers routine during the day. They keep a soundproof bedroom so that the earlybirds & nightowls don't disturb each other. They use separate bathrooms for ablutions & grooming. They keep separate home offices as their refuges ("Knock before entering"). They meet for dinner or for arranged dates and they spend evenings together.

At least you won't have the problem of one spouse being suddenly ejected from the workplace (retired or fired) to spend all day at home. That's almost as traumatic as divorce or a spouse's death, and it may include those as well.

Communication is still critical. We find it helps if we announce our feelings soon after we're both up & functioning (although it's usually to say "I'm feeling lazy today"). It's good to know who's cooking dinner before we have lunch. Some days are expected to be busy-- the kid's last day of school vacation, the leaky roof, the blown-out appliance crisis, the Sunday classified ads & open houses, or Friday tae kwon do sparring. Other days are expected to be absolute 100% free time-- the first day of school, or any day with surf over six feet.

Compromise is also critical. My FIL is allowed to sleep to 10 AM but his life expectancy is contingent upon his being ready to drive his spouse anywhere anytime after 11 AM. I usually awake with my brain on fire between 2-4 AM but I know what'll happen to me if I share that with my spouse before at least 7 AM. I can spend all day on the computer but I immediately vacate it at her request.

It's also good to have separate play areas (even if you're not fighting siblings). Our TV and our computer are at opposite ends of the house (within hailing distance) and my spouse usually watches with headphones while I'm reading. I value my quiet 2-3 hours in the morning before everyone else is up, and my spouse gets no hassle for needing an extra couple hours' sleep. We split the household chores by preference or capability. We split the yardwork by designer creativity & muscle mass.

You must have friends. If one spouse loses them, then rent or buy replacements. Our spouses regularly arrange play dates for me & my FIL while they shop. I usually spend at least two mornings a week surfing and she does girl stuff with the neighbors or former co-workers.

But we still spend most of our time together. Home improvement is more fun with a partner, and long couple's neighborhood walks are essential. ER tends to isolate yourself from your working neighbors (especially outside the weekends) and we enjoy each others' company.

So it won't get blown out of proportion. You'll naturally arrange mutually compatible orbits that will diverge by just the right amount. You're probably already doing it, and you guys will use your married veteran's skills to maneuver, negotiate, and arbitrate without having to litigate.

 

[Martha]

Oh oh, I am anticipating a problem I have never thought through. I think one of the reasons DH and I get a little testy with each other when we are together too much is that our home is only about 800 square feet. There just isn't good space for alone time. I can't think of a cheap way around this problem.

 

[haha]

Oh oh, I am anticipating a problem I have never thought through.  I think one of the reasons DH and I get a little testy with  each other when we are together too much is that our home is only about 800 square feet.  There just isn't good space for alone time.  I can't think of a cheap way around this problem.  

My wife solved this problem with me by moving 60 miles away. That is not a cheap solution, although it does give plenty of personal time. It suits me well enough, as she has paid her own way ever since she left, a first in our long relationship. Eventually there will be a bridge to cross, but not now (actually I would be the last to know.)

I had an aunt and uncle who married and divorced several times. Their final state was divorced but they bought a duplex, and each lived in his/her own half. As they got older, they were very kind and respectful of one another.

I just wish the love and sex side of life were as simple as the money side.

As an aside, it seems like many people on this board have more stable love lives than most of my face to face friends. Keep up the good work guys

Mikey

 

[azanon]

I just wish the love and sex side of life were as simple as the money side.

The money side (with a spouse) is simple? Please Mikey, give me your secrets!

I want to go all Dave Ramsey with our finances and my wife likes the finer things of life.

 

[haha]

The money side (with a spouse) is simple?  Please Mikey, give me your secrets!  

Sorry, I wasn't clear.

Anything even remotely involving a woman is part of the love and sex side of life. So basically, once you have a wife, nothing will ever be simple again.

Mikey

 

[azanon]

Darn! Seriously, i was hoping for some good insight.

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

In my limited experience, the best way to cope is to not be a dick in the first place. :

 

[John Galt]

I agree with Mikey that once you have a wife
(husband?) nothing will ever be simple again, although
I do find the financial aspects the easiest to deal
with. But then, money issues always came naturally to me.

I have a good friend who is married to his 2nd wife
for quite a few years. He has an office about 75
miles from his home, and during the week he lives on
one side of a duplex he owns. She lives in the house.
He goes home some weekends, but many others he just takes off on "adventures" Sometimes he doesn't
show up for weeks at a time. Now, I am pretty
relaxed about taking off by myself, but if I am not
adventuring I tend to be at home.
Their system seems to work great for them. He told me once that he thought it saved their marriage.
Different strokes!

John Galt

 

[Martha]

Here it is Thanksgiving morning and I am cruising the Internet on one end of our apartment while my husband is in the kitchen making dressing and doing mysterious things to a turkey. All for my relatives too. This is a good day.

 

[JWV]

Martha_M:
Check out this site. Everyone needs a refuge.

[ftp]http://www.tumbleweedhouses.com/[/ftp]

In my limited experience, the best way to cope is to not be a dick in the first place.

TH-good to have you back and truer words were never spoken. Tho not yet retired, I would suppose more time together would only serve to exacerbate any problems previous to ER. Hmmmm, I have some work to do.

Judy

 

[John Galt]

Hello Judy! (Hey TH, I missed you too). My "refuge" is in
Texas, where there is no chance of bumping into my exes (this should be singular but it does not ryhme)

Seriously, I have pondered this issue. Over the past 40 years, I was married for 37 and one of us was always working. Truly, I'm not too sure how it would
work out if we were both here at home a lot. On the other hand, I tend to be off "hunting and gathering"
most of the time, so maybe we wouldn't get in the
other's way.

John Galt

 

[Toejam]

TH:

Welcome back. Missed You. This forum wasn't the same (and wasn't as fun!) without you.

Toejam

 

[Martha]

Martha_M:
Check out this site. Everyone needs a refuge.

[ftp]http://www.tumbleweedhouses.com/[/ftp]



Judy

Cute houses! They are kind of like upscale versions of my husband's hunting shack in the woods. My husband inherited the shack and it has been in his family a long time. I am told his grandparents didn't get along that well, so his grandfather spent most of the time at the shack. It is one room,stuck way off in the woods, and heated by an oversize cook stove. Anyway, no one had heard from the grandfather for a while, so one of his sons went out to the shack to check on him. Grandpa was lying dead in the snow.

Sometimes when I am cranky, my husband asks if I want him to go and spend a few days at the shack. He never says I should go, when it probably should be me.

 

[arrete]

At least you won't have the problem of one spouse being suddenly ejected from the workplace (retired or fired) to spend all day at home.

Even though my husband works only part time (he consults), there were about 6 weeks this fall where there didn't seem to be any consulting stuff coming in. Not that unusual when working on contracts let by the Feds, but I could tell he was worried. It seemed to throw my whole routine off. Things are back to normal (consulting-wise), so I guess everything is OK.

We do have separate offices, which is great if you can manage it. And we're both introverts, so not being together all the time seems natural.

I think mostly you need to expect a settling in period. And to appreciate that you have different rhythms. Maybe all you need is a "time-out" chair.

arrete

 

[John Galt]

This is slightly off topic, related mostly to consulting.
I used to consult, and I understand those periods
between assignments can be filled with anxiety. It never bothered me much (just like being
unemployed never bothered me much). However,
I have some friends (neither retired) with the husband
basically running a one-man consulting firm, They
both go through an ordeal when he is looking for his
next job. Fortunately, she has steady employment to carry them over the rough spots (teacher). But, she wants to retire. Remains to be seen how they will work it out,
especially if she is drawing a pension while he is
still scratching for work. I think he has poured most of
his financial resources into the business. Not uncommon.

John Galt

 

[yelnad]

When my Dad retired at 55 (2 yrs ago), my mom started a new career and took a job 2.5 hours away (she's a minister, so her housing is included). Dad says he didn't retire to move from the home he built, so he stayed put. It's rough on mom, but I think Dad enjoys it more. Also, they seem to spend more quality time together than they did before. My DH has already warned me never to try it.

 

[John Galt]

I knew another guy who only went home
(Georgia I think) for the holidays. This went on for decades while he lived out of state. They finally
got a divorce when he decided to marry a long time mistress. I did hear about a trend toward
PMBLA (people married but living apart). Like I said, different strokes..............

John Galt

 

[BUM]

The conundrum is together but separate. The missus and I have had a alot of preRE practice as we have worked mostly at home together for the last 10 years. One receipie we favor to stay separately together:

Take 2 LazyBoy recliners add 2 laptops infuse with a shared high speed internet connection...BAM!

 

[John Galt]

One of our laments is that we did not meet when we
were both younger, for a lot of reasons. ( An aside........
for about a year in 97-98 we lived within 25 miles of each other in Michigan, but we never actually met until
I had moved back to Illinois in 2001) Anyway, I was fully
retired when we met with no desire to work any more.
We think it would have been fun to work at something together, but you can never be sure how that will turn out. I recall friends predicting divorce
when my first wife and I started working together. We did
split eventually, but it had nothing to do with the work.
In fact, as I recall that arrangement was just fine.

John Galt

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Well I'm not actually BACK, I just got a few moments of free time! for what its worth, its 11pm here and I spent the last 24 hours in true love with a u-haul trailer hanging off the back of my expedition. Finally got the remainder of the wifes stuff out of her house to make unimpeded painting possible, and emptied out the yard and sheds...one of which I disassembled and moved. I just spent the last 2 hours dragging wood, fence parts and other sundry items out of my driveway and into the backyard.

But back to topic...sorry...hijacks are my specialty!

I was dating my current wife for a year before quitting work, and we've been married about six months now. I've got a front-row seat.

The linchpin seems to be recognizing the not-er'ed partners contributions to the fullest extent allowable by law. And then risk arrest. Next its making sure the spouse knows you're a LITTLE bit insecure about this laying about stuff while they're still working their butts off. Double ER's are probably different...but if one worked while one stayed home, I'll bet the dynamics are the same...the non-working spouse still had a job, it just wasnt drawing a paycheck...

Civility is important, as is (of course!) communication. We've had three steam blowing off sessions and as a result have learned to address what might be minor problem directly.

Wacky...it occurs to me that this might be the way to make marriage work BEFORE er-ing, its just that more time spent together magnifies all effects.

I remember reading a book when I was a kid where the main character said that what most relationships needed was less love and more common dignity and mutual respect.

Amen.

(by the way, I miss y'all too...but I have a golden egg to hatch...a $200k house thats just a week or two away from being sold...and a very demanding wife. So far in the last 24 hours I've been sent to the store at midnight for vanilla ice cream, concocted homemade thousand island dressing "RiGHT FREAKIN NOW", and constructed a turkey-bacon club sandwich out of the most unlikely components [and then been asked to make a second one RIGHT NOW]. Its a good thing though. And we have a name...our son will be known as Gabriel...only one neither of us hated Beats the crap out of 'wilbur'. Nip/Tuck watchers will get the joke...

See you in a while...

 

[eleighj]

The money side (with a spouse) is simple?  Please Mikey, give me your secrets!  

I want to go all Dave Ramsey with our finances and my wife likes the finer things of life.

Azanon,

What do you mean by "all Dave Ramsey"? His asset allocation? Which is all moneys that are needed within the next 5 years are kept in kept in simple money market funds, no bonds or cds, ever. As for funds over 5 years, it is 25% each in the following fund categories, (1) growth & income, (2) growth, (3) international and (4) aggressive growth or balanced funds. No bond funds ever. Obviously, a balanced fund has bonds, so go figure. it appears that is his way of changing the volatility of the portfolio.

eleighj

 

[John Galt]

Well, re. "no bonds or CDs, ever" , bonds and CDs are about all I use. Guess that is why I thought Dave Ramsey was a comedian

John Galt

 

[Martha]

The latest in marriage and living with an ER while I am still working:

This weekend DH went through his stock and bond portfolios with me that he keeps track of on yahoo. He explained is reasoning for each item. I actually followed what he was saying. At the bottom of his list of portfolios, I saw a portfolio enitled: "MARTHAIAMDEADBUYTHESE". He so nicely gathered a list of mutual funds with allocations that I should buy if he is gone even though he dislikes mutual funds.



On my part time schedule, I am not working the month of February. We (and our dogs) are taking a trip in our motorhome. We will see how living so closely together goes.

 

[Nords]

He so nicely gathered a list of mutual funds with allocations that I should buy if he is gone even though he dislikes mutual funds.

Poor guy, he must really love you a lot to so egregiously violate the first rule of spouse longevity: "Ensure that you're always worth more alive than dead."