Moving Dad to Assisted Living

[audreyh1]

We had to make a sudden out of state trip to help Dad move into assisted living. He decided to stop driving, so can no longer live at home way out in the country. He lives about 5 miles from a very small rural city. He wanted my sister, who was visiting from overseas, to move him somewhere ASAP. We flew out to take over so my sister could visit family up north.

Dad prefers staying in his area, rather than moving to the big city two hours away where my brother lives, or out of state near me. Fortunately we had already found a nice, small assisted living residence in a town close by and they had a room available. He has some long-time close connections in that town, even though he stopped driving there a couple of years ago.

It has been interesting and eye-opening watching Dad's progression as he ages. He wanted to stay living at the farm which he inherited from my Mom 20 years ago. He is 86.5 years old now. Over the past few years we've watched his world shrink. Really - once he passed 80. Each year fewer friends come by to visit - a few of them have died off anyway. Until 3 or 4 years ago he was still driving to most of his usual shops and activities within a 30 mile radius. But that radius kept shrinking until the past year or so he didn't drive any further than the small city 5 miles away. He is quite frail physically, but still in good shape mentally.

This year he stopped cooking meals - driving into town for breakfast and lunch. That is his main social interaction these days. He has cereal at night at home. When we visited in the summer we cleaned out his fridge leaving nothing but the milk and fruit for his cereal, and his chocolate. Anything else just goes bad and he stopped shop for anything else.

This year we've also noticed that at home he watches more TV, and is probably becoming increasingly bored alone at home. Increasingly isolated.

He'll probably do well in assisted living. He knows a few of the people there. He'll be around more people most of the day, but will have his own room to retreat to. Meals, cleaning, laundry, will all be taken care of. Not having to drive or grocery shop will be a relief, I think. He'll have his internet and TV and phone - the things he uses most.

Anyway - that is what we hope - that he will do well in that environment.

This experience has reinforced for me the desire to have myself set up in independent/assisted living well before I stop driving or otherwise need it. But we all understood that Dad wanted to stay out at the farm as long as he could.

 

[Moemg]

Audrey , I hope your Dad does as well as my Mom did with the move . It is so hard watching our parents age but the important thing is keeping them safe .

 

[audreyh1]

It's a relief in many ways. We understood that he loved living out in the country with the expansive views.

But we're also relieved that he decided to go ahead and make this change.

I don't think he expected to live this long. Plan A was to pass away before needing to leave the farm. At least I think that's what he expected - but finally realized that he needed to follow a plan B.

It would have been better in some ways for him to make this change a couple of years ago before he stopped driving and had more independence. Having all the amenities of the assisted living home, but still being able to come and go as he pleased. But then again, he was betting on plan A.

 

[Tom52]

I can really understand your relief in that your Dad made the decision on his own to give up driving and that it was time to move into assisted living.

Unfortunately, DW and I are having just the opposite situation with DW's Dad. He is 84 and lost his driver's license after a minor fender bender and the discovery that his drivers license had expired. He also lives in the country but only about a mile from a rural community. DOT required a Dr. evaluation prior to allowing a new drivers license. Unfortunately, he was unable to pass the cognitive portion of the evaluation, so he is not allowed a drivers license. In my opinion his mental capacities has been declining steadily the last couple years.

This really is a problem now. He should be somewhere like an assisted living facility, but unfortunately, he cannot afford the cost, not even close. If, when he gets even worse he will have to go directly to a nursing home that accepts Medicade and this will not sit well with him. He thinks he is doing fine but he is not. He doesn't take reasonable care of himself.

Unfortunately, he will only listen to one of his daughters, not my DW, and she doesn't think there is anything wrong with him. She thinks he is "just in a funk because he doesn't take his mediation". We know better but there is nothing we can do without causing a huge family blow up.

I suspect something will eventually happen that puts him in the hospital and they will never allow him to return to his home.

 

[braumeister]

Sounds very much like how it was with my mother when she got around 85. Moving to the assisted living place was the best thing that could have happened to her. She resisted it for a while, but after she had been there a week, she loved the interaction with other residents. In fact, she complained that I should have insisted on getting her in there much sooner. "Putting her in an institution" was how she comically expressed it.

 

[athena53]

I'm glad to see this worked out well for your Dad. My Dad is 85 and planning to move to a facility he's chosen near one of my brothers, but Mom died just a month ago and he's decided not to move immediately, which is OK with us. The house is paid for and in good shape, so it's not costing him a lot of money to stay there. I'm glad he's planning to move, though. His mind is still sharp and he's still driving, but he's an introvert, gave up golf years ago due to back problems, and probably doesn't get out much.

At some point I have a similar plan- DS (only child) lives 3 hours away and I'll find an assisted living place there.

 

[Bamaman]

Like my father said, making it past 80 gets harder and harder every year.

There are so many "children" that have negative feelings about assisted living and parents having to make a lifestyle change. In so many cases, they're more active and have so much more social action with others. And they're taken care of.

Your father is very fortunate that there is a facility locally he can go into.

We had my parents in a luxury apartment in my sister's city for 3 years, and they did fine. My sister didn't fare so well having to be a slave to their well being. After my father died after being on dialysis 4 years total, my mohter moved to one of the new generation assisted living apartments with 24 hr. care from 3 help givers. She really should have been in a nursing home at that point, but she was happy. And that's all that matters.

We're so fortunate that our parents were happy people and that they were safe and well cared for.

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

Thanks for the share and the perspective. My Dad turned 89 a couple of months ago and is still fiercely independent. He still drives (pretty well, too) but I often wonder about him being alone and his isolation. He does make almost daily trips to the grocery store (about 1/3 of a mile away) and he very well liked there. I think he goes for the interaction more than anything else.

I am quite concerned now that his isolation may get worse. He had a very good friend that would join him 2-3x a week and they would have happy hour. He had been doing this since about 2003 and he passed quite unexpectedly about a week ago and it has been a shock to all of us. Granted, he was 81 years old, but was in decent shape for his age and was also very independent. I am not sure what the long term effects this will have on my Dad, though. There is a widow that lives down the street from him that he has known since 1975. I have suggested that maybe they could grab breakfast or something in hopes that it might ignite a new friendship...but he has no desire to do so. He acts like he doesn't like people, but he gets out in public and he becomes a social butterfly.

So...all that said, I have wondered if being in assisted living would be better for him. He would get more socialization and he wouldn't have to "take care" of so much stuff around the house. He still cooks (but eats a lot of frozen meals, too) and cleans (to his ability) and for his age is doing really well. But I am concerned that *eventually* he WILL NOT be able to do these things and I think it would be easy to get him settled in a new living arrangement *before* we HAVE to do something.

Aging isn't easy, is it?

 

[FUEGO]

Good to hear the transition went okay. My parents are in their mid-60's (one still working) so I know I'll have to deal with this some time in the next 10-20 years too.

My mom is 100% able-bodied today (other than the standard old age stuff ) and accepts that at some time she might be better off in assisted living instead of in her 3600 sf house. My dad is another story and might stay in the house long beyond when he's able to if he has his choice. They both still drive and have no problems, but I've noticed they are already grumbling about not liking driving. My dad will probably turn into a shut in, but my mom is rocking it by figuring out the not-so-great city bus system, so as long as she can walk or roll a wheelchair, she'll have no problems staying mobile and with Uber and some loosening of the purse strings could stay mobile even longer.

So far I've had to set the ground rules of the dance that is to come. They wanted me to climb up 3 story ladders and clean the siding on their house, but I suggested they find a good handyman or professional to handle routine tasks like this that will pop up all the time (note: they are wealthier than me and can easily afford it, they just don't want to spend the money). The last thing I want to do is spend my early retirement working as an unskilled laborer maintaining a huge house for someone else!

I did swap out a capacitor in their AC unit (and I think mom threw me a few bucks for gas and my troubles and the part I procuded) because they needed AC during some very hot weather and might have had a hard time finding an AC repairman last minute. It's also one of those skilled labor tasks that I happened to know how to do, so in 10 minutes I "saved" them several hundred dollars plus possibly much more if an unscrupulous AC repairman told them they needed a new HVAC system or other major (unnecessary) work beyond a $15 capacitor gone bad.

 

[Huston55]

This experience has reinforced for me the desire to have myself set up in independent/assisted living well before I stop driving or otherwise need it. But we all understood that Dad wanted to stay out at the farm as long as he could.

Audrey-I hope things go smoothly for you & your Dad.

I had a similar experience with my Mom a few years ago, although she had dementia, which made the situation a bit more complicated. Assisted living was very good for her. DW lost her mother at a much earlier age to a debilitating disease; spent the last 6 mos in the hospital.

Our experiences convinced DW & I long ago that we will plan well ahead for ourselves; especially since we have no children. Although only 60-ish and years from moving into one, we have already begun to investigate CCRCs, which is the route we plan to take. I think you're wise to plan for yourselves well in advance.

 

[W2R]

Audreyh1, that assisted living facility sounds perfect for your father, especially because it is nearby and he already knows some of the other residents.

When my late mother was in her very early 70's, she decided on her own to move to a continual care facility, hired movers, had an estate sale, and sold the house. My father had passed away a few years prior, but she had a boyfriend (a "Frank equivalent"? ) who was very supportive and also moved to the same continual care place that same year. She didn't really need us kids to help her in accomplishing any of this, but then she was younger than your father.

Will your father be selling his car? While living in that continual care facility, my mother continued to drive for far longer than she should have, which is why I ask. It was ridiculous because she didn't have to drive at all. I was SO relieved when she finally sold her car.

 

[growing_older]

he is "just in a funk because he doesn't take his mediation".

This is not an argument why he doesn't need to be in an assisted living facility. This is a life or death problem that the assisted living facility is designed to prevent. He needs to move (or get help in) for his own safety.

 

[athena53]

Watching both my parents and DH (who's 15 years older than I am) age, I've been struck by how the level of support you have as your body processes exceed their "sell by" date affects the quality of your life. More restaurant or prepared meals. Hired help for cleaning and home maintenance. If you have a partner, someone to take over when you're sick, get you to and from procedures requiring sedation, and be another person to take notes, ask questions and run interference with the medical profession. Someone to go out and get or prepare something when you feel well enough to eat but don't have the energy to go get it. Someone to organize your prescriptions and make sure you take them. DH, who's always been good with technology, gets confused far more easily and, in anticipation of his final illness eventually making him bedridden (he's close to it), I finally got a Roku box and installed it and he's been binge-watching WW II documentaries on Netflix.

Contrast that with life in a typical Medicaid nursing home. That's why my plan is assisted living- with DS and his family close by.

 

[gerntz]

It's been over 10 years ago, but when 87 yr old FIL moved into assisted living he perked up with the acquaintances he met & developed. Clearly living alone had been hurting his outlook. Shame was he only lived another year after suffering an acute event.

Strong willed alert 85 yr old lady I play duplicate bridge with/against is moving to new AL apartment & all fired up to decorate it.

 

[Free]

Really glad it worked out for you and your Mom. I helped my mother move into a independent care facility in March. She's also unable to drive and is in the early to mid stages of dementia. It was her decision to move from a rural home where she lived alone to a branded senior chain (Brookdale). Just today, I signed a contract as a DPA for her to get additional help with medication remiders, TV help, and phone charging help. It's a relatively inexpensive add on that lets her stay mostly independent.

I live 1800 miles away, but have been back 5x this year to visit and help her with her affairs. She's adjusted ok, but still longs for the home she lived in for almost 40 years. She a bit of a recluse when it comes to the social activities, but occasionally she participates. It's been hard on me and my family, but she's been frugal and has enough savings to get her by even if she ends up in a nursing home (unless she lives to over 100 - she's 86 now).

While the facility is excellent, I have mixed feelings about whether I'd want to go into one myself. I can empathize with those who what to keep their privacy and independence. But if I become a burden on the family, I'd go in a minute...

 

[Teacher Terry]

We downsized our home to a 1 story 1400 sq ft in anticipation of aging. We are 58 and 62. If we get a lot older we may move into a condo. My Mom and my FIL both lived at home alone and drove until 89 and 91. She died after a week in hospice and he at home. They both were mentally sharp. Both had moved to small apartments. I think a lot depends on whether you can physically care for yourself and you have your faculties. My Mom lived right by a bus line in anticipation of not being able to drive someday but that did not happen. Both lost all their friends to death but my Mom still had her sister who lived in the same building. Both still went to the senior center, bingo etc for interaction and were both very happy. Not everyone needs to move to AL unless they want to. Tom: could your Dad either sell his house and then pay for assisted living or rent a small apartment in town? Being in a rural area without driving does not sound good.

 

[Walt34]

Seeing what our parents did about aging was what prompted us to apply early at a CCRC. My mother moved into one at about 72 and loved it since it freed her from what had become the burdens of maintaining a house. She stayed in independent living for ~11 years, moving to an assisted living apartment for the last six months.

In contrast, FIL refused to face the reality that he would not be able to stay in his house until he died. He should have moved to a CCRC at least a year before he did and we were lucky to get him into assisted living, and then full nursing care in a good place. His stubbornness cause DW a LOT of extra and unnecessary work had he made the move before his back was to the wall.

We don't have kids and wouldn't want to burden them if we did. The CCRC we applied to has single family houses (one floor of course, no stairs) apartments, and both assisted living and full nursing care if needed.

 

[Hermit]

... Being in a rural area without driving does not sound good.

Actually if you have your faculties and are fairly mobile, you can get by with Amazon Prime and Amazon Pantry fairly well. A friend out here has been doing that for the last couple of years. The one problem he had was he could not find a physical therapist that would come out here after he had major back surgery. But this place is so far in the boonies the USPS does not deliver. I would think a place not so remote would be doable for aging in place. Then, again, I am a Hermit.

Hermit

 

[audreyh1]

Audreyh1, that assisted living facility sounds perfect for your father, especially because it is nearby and he already knows some of the other residents.

When my late mother was in her very early 70's, she decided on her own to move to a continual care facility, hired movers, had an estate sale, and sold the house. My father had passed away a few years prior, but she had a boyfriend (a "Frank equivalent"? ) who was very supportive and also moved to the same continual care place that same year. She didn't really need us kids to help her in accomplishing any of this, but then she was younger than your father.

Will your father be selling his car? While living in that continual care facility, my mother continued to drive for far longer than she should have, which is why I ask. It was ridiculous because she didn't have to drive at all. I was SO relieved when she finally sold her car.

He really has stopped driving. We're leaving his truck at the farm house for now - as siblings visit they will need use of it and it looks like someone is still there.

 

[Tailgate]

DM just settling in to independent living portion of a CCRC. Hope your dad will adjust to his new situation as quickly as my mom is to hers. I think adjustment comes down to the person's attitude and outlook on life over the years. My DM has always been a positive person and she is looking on the bright side of things. On the other hand, her best friend is going to have to go to assisted living very soon and she's a constant complainer. Her negativity is probably going to get the best of her. If your DD is generally a positive person I'm sure the new surroundings will enhance the quality of time he has left.

 

[audreyh1]

I do hope assisted living is a really positive experience for Dad.

We think he has been getting bored living at home, and this should help alleviate that.

He has been doing less and less for himself. Until very recently he was driving to eat lunch and breakfast, his laundry, mowing outside, and very minimal grocery shopping. He did manage to get himself to the emergency room six months ago when he developed a painful rash - it turned out to be shingles, so thank goodness for his immediate seeking of treatment. But no cooking, no house maintenance, and just less and less of everything. Right now he seems quite happy to have things done for him, so I'm hoping he will enjoy that part of assisted living.

If he hadn't had a the same housecleaner come by once or twice a month for the past 5 years, I don't think he would have been able to live in the house out in the country that long, so thank goodness for her.

Dad is generally a positive person, enjoys being engaged by others. We think sometimes he would go through a down time after having family visit (visits meant someone stayed with him at the farm for a week to several weeks, then he'd be back to his solo life), so we hope he'll experience less of that - or at least have good distractions from any down feelings.

It's a big change. He has lived by himself at the farm house since 1995 when my mom passed. We hope the new company and routine, good food, etc., will be good for him.

 

[calico1597]

We've been down this road with both sides of the family. My inlaws moved into an assisted living apartment about four years ago. Since then, my FIL had a stroke and now in a nursing home while she is still in the apartment. Both are unhappy to be apart but, good lord, they argue all the time when together!!


I moved my mom into an independent apartment a month ago with plans to empty and sell her house next spring. I'm a snowbird and will do take care of this when I return next April. Now my sister has decided she should move from the east coast and live in mom's house rather than sell it. I'm not getting all warm and fuzzy about this arrangement. Sis is somewhat lazy and I see her squatting in the house hoping to inherit it someday. I sure don't want to own it with her. But if mom agrees to it, what can I do? Sis had no interest in moving here until the house became vacant.

 

[target2019]

It's better that the house not remain vacant. She's gonna pick up all the currents expenses, I hope.

 

[calico1597]

It's better that the house not remain vacant. She's gonna pick up all the currents expenses, I hope.

When I told her what the monthly expenses were her reply was, well, I guess I'd have to get a job........Also, the house has been vacant the last four winters. Mom has gone into the senior apartment four winters then moved back in the spring. I had her rent furniture the previous winters, stating that I would only move her furniture once - only when she wanted to make the permanent move to the senior apartment.

 

[rodi]

Audrey - it sounds like a good move for you father. My step mom had made the decision to move to assisted living when she could no longer drive. At the time her granddaughter was renting our granny flat - and one day we see the granddaughter driving step-mom's car... we knew it was happening.

Everyone pitched in with the estate sale and getting her house listed...not to mention her moving.

3 years later she's running the place, socially. She won 2nd place in the halloween costume competition on Monday. (She uses her wheelchair as a walker and decked out the chair with a skeletin clutching a pill caddy and a hot water bottle and step mom put on her old Nursing uniform. She had a sign next to the skeletin saying "Bad Nurse!")

My MIL was the opposite. She refused to allow FIL to go to a nursing home (her demetia was effecting her care of him) - and social workers got involved and DH was forced to become legal guardian (court process) of both parents. Then a few years later she threw herself from a car in a panic attack (not uncommon in dementia) broke her spine. Family used the opportunity to NOT send her home and get her in a memory unit.

It took about 6 months for her to calm down about not going home. Now she's happy - but boy-howdy did she fight the entire process.