No such thing as a retired grandparent?

[haha]

... as the other grandkids came by for Christmas and took all kinds of foodstuffs from their house for their own use....even took all the coffee, creamer and sugar on the kitchen table! It's not like the BIL is poor, he has a high paying job, but I don't know the mentality of taking their food over Christmas was all about.

Sounds like it's all about being a no class schmuck.

Ha

 

[DangerMouse]

Forums that cater to women with children are full of mother's complaining because the grandparents don't step up and offer to provide free childcare on a daily basis. I was often gobsmacked at the sense of entitlement some of these women have.

For me, it is for the grandparent to decide if they want to offer assistance with child care. I don't see it as an obligation. Just because a grandparent has time I don't believe they are obligated.

If you choose to bring a child into this world you should be doing so knowing that you are responsible for it's care 24/7. It's nice when families can make it work between them and save stress and money for all involved, however don't think the parent has the right to complain when the grandparent doesn't take on full time caring duties.

 

[flyfishnevada]

Forums that cater to women with children are full of mother's complaining because the grandparents don't step up and offer to provide free childcare on a daily basis. I was often gobsmacked at the sense of entitlement some of these women have.

My DW gets that from the working people we know and interact with. they assume that because she works 20-25 hours a week from home, she has all the free time in the world to volunteer to do any number of things. Just because you are retired or work part-time doesn't mean you don't have anything to do and you should never judge what you do by other people's standards.

 

[Nords]

Just because you are retired or work part-time doesn't mean you don't have anything to do and you should never judge what you do by other people's standards.

The ER version of survivor guilt:
Dealing with “retiree guilt” | Military Retirement & Financial Independence

 

[FIREd]

The ER version of survivor guilt:
Dealing with “retiree guilt” | Military Retirement & Financial Independence

Retiree guilt was really what I was getting at with my original post. How can you, as a retiree, fend off demands on your free time without feeling guilty about it... In my mom's and aunts' cases the demands came from family members, but you could just as well become overwhelmed by the demands of charity work for example.

 

[Nova]

When I first married, MIL told me she raised her children and I was expected to raise mine. She was still working and she made it clear that she did not intend to babysit. She looked after my children only twice and both times were for the afternoon and were real emergencies. Neither of my children ever spent the night at grandma's house. My DS and DD are grown and only see their grandma at Christmas, if that side of the family makes an effort to have a family Christmas party.

My childhood memories are full of special times spent with my grandma: weekend visits (8 hour round trip) at least once a month (my mom was a real momma's girl) and I spent two weeks every summer on the farm with grandma and grandpa. My memories are so sweet and they still make me smile. I am sorry that my kids don't have those kind of memories.

I think it is up to each grandparent to determine just how much time they want to spend babysitting. Some people need to be needed and spending all of their time with a grandchild may be just the ticket. From someone else's point of view, the babysitting may be viewed as a burden. In the end, it is up to the grandma to determine just how much of her time she wants to devote to babysitting. Only she can set those limits.

How do I fend off demands on my free time...sorry, I have other plans; sorry, I already volunteer at XYZ charity. Guilt...what guilt! On the other hand, I never turn down a request from my kids...but they are very independent and seldom make them.

 

[Katsmeow]

How can you, as a retiree, fend off demands on your free time without feeling guilty about it... In my mom's and aunts' cases the demands came from family members, but you could just as well become overwhelmed by the demands of charity work for example.

Maybe I'm just a bad person but I, umm, don't feel any guilt and don't feel obligated to do those things. If I do them and do get overwhelmed I see that as my mistake. But really I don't feel that just because I have free time that I owe it to someone else.

 

[East Texas]

FD... sorry you feel you shouldn't have posted. I disagree. I think several of us have learned a valuable lesson on setting boundaries with relatives.

 

[rescueme]

Maybe I'm just a bad person but I, umm, don't feel any guilt and don't feel obligated to do those things. If I do them and do get overwhelmed I see that as my mistake. But really I don't feel that just because I have free time that I owe it to someone else.

I would have to agree with you. While I will never have grandkids (and never face the situation), I do remember how I was raised long ago (back in the 50's).

My parents both worked, and my fraternal grandmother (who lived just a few houses away) watched me for a good portion of my life in those days.

However, my grandmother did not do it for nothing. My parents did pay for her "services" every week, on an hourly basis. And no, I was not the "recipient" of any of this money (e.g. gifts, trips, etc.) Since she was a first generation immigrant who fled Europe after WWI, she certainly knew the value of a dollar (of course, in those days a dollar was worth something!)...

She certainly had the time, IMHO. Being retired, married, and me being the only child in the family, and my parents both working and paying their own way did not mean that she was in a position that she felt obligated (of course, she never did feel obligated; she was a person - along with the rest of the family that expected every member to pull their own load).

Then again, that was another time, with different family values and expectations...

 

[Retire Soon]

DF has done an excellent job of explaining a current problem that many grandparents have today. Children now expect their parents to babysit grandchildren primarily because of one of two perceived reasons: 1) Babysitters are too expensive 2) Childcare workers cannot be trusted.

In my view this is a very common problem in today's society. I have to agree with Chinaco that these children probably would put Mom or Dad in a rest home at the very first sign of trouble, even though they've spent countless days babysitting the grandchildren. Nice guys finish last.

Wake up folks, the Leave it to Beaver days are over. Your children will indeed dump their kids off on you. They expect you to do it and be happy about it, no matter how miserable your retirement becomes.

DW and I took care of this problem five years ago. We moved to another state a thousand miles away, the month after we retired and have never regretted it. We now see our grandchildren on our own terms.

FD, you could not have presented a more accurate portrayal of a very common social problem. Watch out folks, your children may be master manipulators. Some are very even experts at making you feel guilty.

 

[Moemg]

Retiree guilt was really what I was getting at with my original post. How can you, as a retiree, fend off demands on your free time without feeling guilty about it... In my mom's and aunts' cases the demands came from family members, but you could just as well become overwhelmed by the demands of charity work for example.

I think most people think if you are retired you don't have a life . When in fact we have a very full life .

 

[Nords]

Retiree guilt was really what I was getting at with my original post. How can you, as a retiree, fend off demands on your free time without feeling guilty about it... In my mom's and aunts' cases the demands came from family members, but you could just as well become overwhelmed by the demands of charity work for example.

I think the key to the solution is that every person has the ability to decide whether they're going to be overwhelmed by trying to solve all the world's problems for everyone else-- or if they're just going to do the best job they can to solve the problems that they feel are worth solving and that they can tackle.

I don't want to solve all the world's problems. I feel that I give an adequate portion of my net worth to charities which I think should have a stab at solving some of the world's problems. I found it very fulfilling to write a book that will hopefully direct a firehose of money toward military charities. But I ain't no Mother Theresa, and I will still enjoy [-]surfing[/-] living my life in a way that makes it worth living.

If your mother & aunts want to provide childcare then that's what they should do. But if they don't feel like it then they need to discuss terms under which they'd feel they're being valued & fulfilled. Maybe that's offering fewer hours/week, or only on birthdays/anniversaries, or only for $50/hour. Fuming in frustration & anger is not the communications method which usually leads to a successful resolution.

Otherwise those grandkids are gonna grow up awful bitter & cynical...

 

[chinaco]

Ever have your kid come home from school and just throw crap on the floor, not pick up after themselves, complain because they don't like dinner, want you to drop everything to haul them to their "gonna die if I don't get there social life with some obvious numb skulls"

Well there ya go... fast forward 10-15 years and that's what some of them act like as an adult.


Hey wait a second... that description sounds like me.

Forget what I said!

 

[MDJO]

I don't have gchildren (yet) but my brothers have three between them. DB1 sees his occasionally for a outing, movie, etc. Seems like a healthy relationship. He loves seeing the kids but also loves seeing them depart. His DIL is staying home with the kids.

DB2 is a different story. Daughter married, had a baby, and divorced all inside of two years. His DW is now a full time babysitter. DD has large mortgage and car payments, etc. and must work full time at a demanding job. DB2's other child is jobless, dropout, etc. They love the grandchild, but now they are likely to be the primary caregivers for this child.

 

[youbet]

Wow! Some of these stories make me really appreciate my family and extended family and all that we share that makes our lives so much fuller. I guess you don't always realize what you have until you read about others in such pathetic, dysfunctional situations.

 

[freebird5825]

... is actually a live-in nanny, spending several nights a week away from her husband in order to relieve her daughter-in-law from the stress of motherhood. The grandmothers feed the kids, bathe them, take them to school, take them to the doctor and even meet with teachers. So where are the parents? Are they employed in some high flying careers with little time for child rearing? Nope. In every single case, one of the parents is a stay-at-home parent. That's right. But the stay-at-home-parents dump the kids on granny's lap so that they can have some "me time". Time to surf the web, take a nap, go shopping, go to the movies with friends, etc... I mean, when your kids are in school all day, how much more free time do you need to goof around? It seems crazy to me.

Disclaimer: no kids, so obviously no grandchildren.

This is indeed crazy. What I am missing here is why aren't the SAH parents joining in with granny AND the child(ren) for "all together" time?

I could understand if there were newborns involved, i.e. allow the mother some recovery time from childbirth. Or if there was a physical disability situation where the mother needed legitimate assistance. I detect an absence of either type of situation.

And the kids are in school ? Huh?

It is clearly up to your mom and aunts to draw their own lines here.

 

[NW-Bound]

Ever have your kid come home from school and just throw crap on the floor, not pick up after themselves, complain because they don't like dinner, want you to drop everything to haul them to their "gonna die if I don't get there social life with some obvious numb skulls"...

Lord, that sure brings back bad memories to me... Now with my children at 25 and 21, and one out of the house already, I am going to cherish the years of freedom we are going to have.

When the time comes, I think we will most likely help out with grandchildren if we are needed. But young folks nowadays do not want children. None of our nieces and nephews in their 30s and late 20s talk about having a family. In fact, only 2 out of 10 even got married, and it looks like they will not have kids.