Retirement, social life and loneliness

[W2R]

He's kind of sexy in a strange way !!

You can have him! He doesn't do much for me!

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

cool bird. is that the italian cousin of the road runner?

what i find interesting in some of this conversation is how it seems to take effort to be lonely. playing with other people isn't all work ya know. but to be lonely really seems to take some effort. you either have to beat everyone at everything so you can be lonely at the top. or you have to fight with everyone to find your loneliness. you have to take the trouble to denounce everything. this is not good. that is not good. this is what is wrong with that and that is what is wrong with this. just to be lonely. or you have to go to extremes. yuck, the labor. you have to put huge rings in your earlobes or odd hair on your face. you have to make yourself smelly or unkept. you have to know just when to snarl. hey, being lonely is not easy. you really have to work at this to get it right. and if you are not careful and if you do not twist your body so you can watch your back, someone more clever than you might actually sneak up & befriend you.

 

[haha]

Well, I guess that is one way to look at it. Just color me guilty of "all the above".

Ha

 

[ladelfina]

I have to say the thousand words were worth more than the picture.. A handsome guy to be sure, but I got a less-than-fully-hetero vibe from the foto. It could be the big diamond earring. Andrew Sullivan highlighted the moustache/beard 'fetishists' recently:
The Daily Dish
Hair-raising sights

Categories of moustache included: Natural, English, Dali, Imperial, Hungarian and Freestyle. Partial Beard categories were Natural Goatee, Chinese, Musketeer, Imperial, Freestyle and Sideburns Freestyle.
For full beards, competitors battled it out in the Verdi, Garibaldi, Natural Full, Natural Full with Styled Moustache and Freestyle categories.
"The freestyle beard is probably the most spectacular one because basically, as the name suggests, it's freestyle, so you can do anything you like," Parsons said, according to the BBC.
"For example, at the last championships in Berlin, one of the competitors there actually styled his beard in the shape of the Brandenburg Gate with horses and flags and everything."

--
We are in central Italy, so birds do migrate easily between here and Africa. A greenish-gold bird bashed into our window (and seemed to get away fine). I described it and asked someone what it could be, and they said "it sounds like a rigogolo".. which means a kind of oriole. Music lovers may pick up on => "Rigoletto".. the little oriole. Apparently this was not an adult male (he would have been more distinctly black/yellow), but a juvenile or female.

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

as walls are not built without effort, i don't have any reason to assume that it would take any more effort to not be lonely then it would to be lonely and so i question why anyone would think of that as work. i would further consider that the effort it takes to be lonely perhaps might be work (building a wall around you). and maybe the effort it takes to not be lonely might be called play (tearing down a wall-how fun!)

whether at the playground or at your place of employment, play can be antidote to loneliness. but when we take ourselves too seriously, we only get to play with others while we might still be lonely inside. for then it doesn't matter how many bearded women you play with because you still go home alone.

and so loneliness (or happiness) is like a two part epoxy. there is the outside--how we participate in the world--and there is the inside--how we relate to ourselves. the glue sticks best when both sides come together.

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

.

hey, that's your team. i'm pretty sure i've never seen that in the gay world. and i wouldn't kiss him if he was my grandpa.

 

[ladelfina]

I'm ABSOLUTELY sure I've never seen that ANYWHERE.
So I guess Gramps here is going home with neither male nor female companionship...

[LG4NB.. how is this categorically "my team", anyway?.. neither of us knows diddly-squat about Gramps here..!]

 

[RetireeRobert]

what i find interesting in some of this conversation is how it seems to take effort to be lonely.

........but to be lonely really seems to take some effort. you either have to beat everyone at everything so you can be lonely at the top. or you have to fight with everyone to find your loneliness. you have to take the trouble to denounce everything. this is not good. that is not good. this is what is wrong with that and that is what is wrong with this. just to be lonely. or you have to go to extremes.......

I think you're onto something there. I read somewhere in the last year or so about a way to practice "getting happy". You had to write down one thing at everyday's end that you were grateful about that happened that day. Then at the end of the month you had to stop, read over your list from the last month of things you were grateful about, and just store it away in memory.

The act of finding just *one* thing every day to be grateful about, and doing that for a month, starts you forming a new habit---a habit of being happy. Pretty soon, your mind quicks chasing down old habitual rabbitholes of "something's wrong with this or something's wrong with that". Instead, your mind starts on a new habit of thinking "that was good", "I'm grateful about that", "that other thing that happened makes me happy".

The month end review of 31 days of these "pleasant findings" simply lets you know how far you've come.

 

[flipstress]

What an interesting thread on loneliness, moustaches, and birds! Those guys in the world moustache championship website and the guy whose picture ladelfina posted have moustaches that birds could perch on. There might be a cure for loneliness--carry your own birds around on your moustache. No substitute for kisses, though.

My young niece is staying with us on and off while attending her first semester at the university here. She is having a hard time being separated from a couple of really close friends who went to other schools. Everything is new to her--our city, the university, her roommate, being away from home. I think she's still in the stage of focusing on what she has lost, what's missing instead of what's before her, and so she's missing opportunities to have fun and make new friends.

I am picking up some stuff from this thread that might help her. Her mom and I have been encouraging her to go to the university counseling office, too.

Loneliness is part of everyone's life at some time.

 

[chinaco]

DW ERd recently. She is still adjusting. Since she took a package and the offer came up with fairly short notice, she had some time to reflect on the decision before she had to commit or decline... but still it did not give her much time to figure things out. She was planning on ERing at 55 for so long, now that it happened even earlier, her mind has not fully adjusted.

I think she is still feeling like it is an extended vacation. She is in the decompression period. Not sure it has fully sunk in yet that she will have a lot of time on her hands.

 

[becca]

I retired at 48, dh at 51, and have been retired for 6 years. We moved 2 hours south to a golf course community. We find we have plenty to do in retirement with a social life that is overflowing. The only problem is that most of our new social circle is much older than us - late 60s to 70s+. People our age are still working and don't have the time/energy to socialize. We have found a few friends who are ER that are close to our age but not many. A lot of our social circle have grandchildren the same age as our children and don't relate to a baby boomer childhood - but hey it makes us feel even younger to be around the older people!

 

[Lsbcal]

I think you're onto something there. I read somewhere in the last year or so about a way to practice "getting happy". You had to write down one thing at everyday's end that you were grateful about that happened that day. Then at the end of the month you had to stop, read over your list from the last month of things you were grateful about, and just store it away in memory.

I do a little of this informally but think it is a good idea to do it a little more rigorously like you wrote. So I'm going to put it in my Outlook calandar and write something down each day at 5pm. I'll do it even when the stock market's down for the day . Thanks!

 

[audreyh1]

I'm familiar with guide dogs, but I had no idea there were guide birds. The things you learn on this forum...

LOL Good one!

Audrey

 

[Zoocat]

what i find interesting in some of this conversation is how it seems to take effort to be lonely. playing with other people isn't all work ya know. but to be lonely really seems to take some effort.
.

Excellent point, Lazy. Sometimes, if I'm feeling lonely, I just get outside, go for a hike around town and interact with people. The other day it was a lovely morning for a hike with my DDog. We encountered a group of college students from zoology class hiking with two llamas, exchanged a few sentences, hiked on and discovered a coyote in the distance. The parasailing guy was hiking back up the hill and told me that the coyote had been bothering a small herd of deer that we could see on the hillside. We had a short conversation about how odd that coyote's behavior was. Then I hiked around the lake, saying Hi to everyone we passed. Some of them wanted to pet DDog and he liked that a lot.

After my hike, I wasn't feeling lonely anymore even though my human contacts had been brief and anonymous. That was ok, although I prefer to have more personal connections I wasn't going to make any negative comparisons. My social life was fine for that morning.

 

[RetireeRobert]

I do a little of this informally but think it is a good idea to do it a little more rigorously like you wrote. So I'm going to put it in my Outlook calandar and write something down each day at 5pm. I'll do it even when the stock market's down for the day . Thanks!

You're welcome. If you do it even on days the stock market is down, I think that qualifies you as an already happy person.

 

[theoldwizard]

I've been FIRED for 8 months. DW is still working (her choice) but because she works for the schools, was off all summer. This will be my first winter and I'm "concerned". Long dreary days in SE MI. That and MI is in a full blown recession.

When I worked, I was "rumor central". Not about personal things, but about things in different parts of a Fortune 100 company. New products, who was moving to which department, promotions, etc, etc. Today my old buddies say its the "mushroom treatment". They never now what is going on 10 feet past the end of their cubicle.

It really tough not talking to anyone all day and then when DW comes home and says "Don't talk to me, I need some quiet time !", well ...

I am a full blown, card carrying, computer geek, so I spend a huge amount of time on the 'net. Not really good for inter-personal skills.

 

[Rich_by_the_Bay]

After my hike, I wasn't feeling lonely anymore even though my human contacts had been brief and anonymous. That was ok, although I prefer to have more personal connections I wasn't going to make any negative comparisons. My social life was fine for that morning.

True, it doesn't take a big dose of interaction to ward off that feeling of aloneness we all experience from time to time.

As a full time worker whose day routinely involves probably 50 individual interactions, mostly intense, I often feel a need to limit interactions on my time off. That usually lasts about a day, then I seek them out. DW sometimes gets frustrated that I don'l like to socialize on Friday night - just a quiet dinner, thanks. By Saturday, I'm ready to party.

Wonder how that will all change in FIRE.

 

[Sandy]

I find that loneliness and being alone are not related but that having at least one meaningful relationship is what matters most.

I have been very lonely in crowds, at parties, and with large groups of friends, and at other times very comfortable alone. Generally, I am lonely when I have lacked a significant person in my life, someone who provides an anchor to my world. For me, I need only 1 or 2 important people to stave off loneliness. At this stage, DH provides that and that will not change whether I am w*rking or not. The rest of my interactions are either enjoyable or annoying, but not critical to my well being. I am fortunate to have him. Since he is 10 years older, I expect that at some future time (many years I hope), I will find myself adrift and lonely and will need to find another person to help give me a sense of connectedness and peace.

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

on a previous post of another topic i included words to a song from "hedwig and the angry inch" which seems also to relate to this topic.

It was the sad story
How we became
Lonely two-legged creatures,
It's the story of
The origin of love.

happens while looking for movie flicks for another forum i came upon a clip of my favorite song from that musical. hope you all enjoy:

YouTube - Hedwig and the angry inch - Origin of love

 

[audreyh1]

Excellent point, Lazy. Sometimes, if I'm feeling lonely, I just get outside, go for a hike around town and interact with people. The other day it was a lovely morning for a hike with my DDog. We encountered a group of college students from zoology class hiking with two llamas, exchanged a few sentences, hiked on and discovered a coyote in the distance. The parasailing guy was hiking back up the hill and told me that the coyote had been bothering a small herd of deer that we could see on the hillside. We had a short conversation about how odd that coyote's behavior was. Then I hiked around the lake, saying Hi to everyone we passed. Some of them wanted to pet DDog and he liked that a lot.

After my hike, I wasn't feeling lonely anymore even though my human contacts had been brief and anonymous. That was ok, although I prefer to have more personal connections I wasn't going to make any negative comparisons. My social life was fine for that morning.

Your hike is an excellent example. That's a huge benefit of getting out there and doing stuff. We have lots of "one-off" encounters like that when we are out enjoying nature, and those little chats definitely make you feel part of a community, no matter how transient that community is.

Audrey

 

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After my hike, I wasn't feeling lonely anymore even though my human contacts had been brief and anonymous. ....

I walk daily, usually in my own neighborhood. The best walks are those during which I see a neighbor and have a brief, friendly chat. It brightens up the rest of the day.