setting time boundaries with spouse

[Sojourner]

I'm worried that my retirement will become, "... while you're home today, it's important that we get all the CDs arranged alphabetically ... and the dog kibble color-coded ... and the cobwebs off the shed .... it'll only take half-an-hour or so."

Not trying to wax philosophical here, but it strikes me that these sorts of things are not, in fact, important. They are trivial. Why should you have to sacrifice your personal time on stuff that's objectively irrelevant to anyone's actual well being? As others have suggested, you should politely and casually deflect your DH's insistence that these things need to get done, and then go do stuff that actually improves and enhances your life and that you find fulfilling. As always, in any relationship, there should be some level of compromise, but I'd say leave 90% of those meaningless, OCD, busy-work chores to your DH and focus on things that actually matter.

 

[Bir48die]

From my perspective.....I already lost one wife to cancer...I'm not about to lose another to trivia.

Same here. Where's Dear Abby when you need her?

 

[haha]

This seems like a fixable problem. And the recent thread on middle-aged dating might convince almost anyone that fixing is often going to be way better than quitting and chancing a new partner restart that may or may not present itself. Hub-a-dubby has some annoying behaviors, but he likely does not over spend his credit cards, pick his nose or hand out in disreputable places. At least you did not mention any of these things.

Once we are retired, some of our choice horizons are broadened, but some are narrowed.

No one has a spouse or SO that isn't annoying in some ways, but most hang in because there are compensations, or at least some risks have been revealed.

Another possibility is marriage counseling. If you have personal friends who have had marriages or relationships bailed out by a certain counselor's help, something to consider. Otherwise, IMO it can be crapshoot and often too risky to embark on.

Ha

 

[jazz4cash]

No, he wanted me to quit long before I decided to.

But is it possible he wanted you to quit so he could trade his 20 min for 60 min of yours?

 

[W2R]

I don't have the solutions to the questions posed in this thread.

We are not married, do not live together, and do not combine or share our money. We just do not have this sort of issue.

If one of our cars needed repairs, we would pick a day that was convenient to both of us. That has always been possible. If it was not, we would proceed as we would have before we met - - - whoever's car is in the shop would simply return home by cab, uber, or bus, and consider the expense to be part of the cost of repair.

Along these same lines, I really like BCG's solution a lot:

Something like this, "Sweetheart I told you any day but Wednesday, But if thats what you want, then Ill take a cab back home, I was hoping to save the 95 dollars."

 

[audreyh1]

But is it possible he wanted you to quit so he could trade his 20 min for 60 min of yours?

That's what I think.

 

[Aerides]

So, I could be totally misreading this, but OP, while you say your DH was supportive of your retirement, was he also equally supportive while you worked and had a career? IE, was there a working balance and partnership before you retired?

I'm wondering if perhaps your DH is a bit more "traditional" and supports your retirement somewhat because it puts your marriage into roles he may have been wanting to emulate more? That of a wife home as the homemaker/caretaker, while he goes off to work?

If I'm totally off base, np, but if something rings true in all that, he may view your time now as somewhat enabled by his continuing employment, which grants him a certain comfort that he enjoys - but which comes out with him sounding a bit less than generous on how you now spend your time?

I could say all that much less delicately, but I don't mean it in a judging way, and he might not even be aware of his motivations...

 

[MarieIG]

No, he wanted me to quit long before I decided to.

He just doesnt' seem to realize that other people have goals and schedules as well. It's as if he thinks that all my chores can be done in 30 minutes ... but he doesn't like time constraints put on his work...

and that's why I'm worried that my retirement will become, "... while you're home today, it's important that we get all the CDs arranged alphabetically ... and the dog kibble color-coded ... and the cobwebs off the shed .... it'll only take half-an-hour or so."

Now, back to the last round of chores before supper.

So, you don't want WWIII. I wouldn't argue. I would just put his "chore" at the end of my to do list, and give it half an hour per day. When he asked if you did it, just say that you started, but you will need a few days to complete and do a little bit each day. It doesn't matter that he says it can get done in 30 minutes "well, that's you dear, not me. If you can get it done in 30 minutes, that's great, but if you would like me to do it, it is going to take a few days." Also very nicely just refuse to do things in a way that are completely inconvenient to you. He is not going to change, you just have to decide how to handle the situation.

Bottom line, you don't have to conform to fill all his orders on his time schedule, but you don't have to argue about it either. I have to be one of the slowest people on the face of the earth. When my DH complains about me taking too long to get ready (no, this does not mean I'm late it means he thinks I should be able to get ready for a wedding in 15 minutes), I certainly don't move any faster, but don't argue with him about it. I put him out of the room to stew in the living room, and give him some long kisses when I'm done and pull him out the door. (Seems to put him in a different frame of mind.)

 

[Sunnymar]

I saw a guy at work yesterday. He was sitting in the bullpen area, where there are usually younger interns, etc.

He had no sox, and was wearing very light-colored deck shoes.

I wonder if he could not find the right-colored sox?

OT - no socks is now "cool".

 

[Scuba]

But is it possible he wanted you to quit so he could trade his 20 min for 60 min of yours?

Sounds like it

 

[Sunnymar]

Since your retirement is new, seems both of you are adjusting to this change. When things come up, keep your boundary but don't get angry or label his intentions. Have a conversion with him, politely telling him what you will do, how you will compromise to come to a mutual agreement.
You say he is a nice guy, he really could be clueless, not selfish as some posted have implied.

 

[CaliforniaMan]

Since your retirement is new, seems both of you are adjusting to this change. When things come up, keep your boundary but don't get angry or label his intentions. Have a conversion with him, politely telling him what you will do, how you will compromise to come to a mutual agreement.
You say he is a nice guy, he really could be clueless, not selfish as some posted have implied.

+1, very nicely put.
I was going to comment but you said everything I was thinking much better than I could have.

 

[Slughorn]

Hi, y'all, OP here:

You've given me a lot to think about, some good advice as well.

When I was searching for the word about DH and time, the description that finally came to me was the word blind. And then I did a little reading and found that there are actually people who are time-blind.

In contrast, time management is my superpower.

Yes, this retirement thing is new ... and I am highly defensive about falling into the trap of "since you're home all day..."

It feels as if friends and relatives are full of ideas on ways that I need to spend my time. I'm resisting with all my strength.

I especially appreciate the tips from posters who brought up points like, "read the obituaries with him" and "think about how many summers you've got left." We've started talking about that already.

And THANKS to the person who said, "NEVER start doing x, y, or z, because you'll own that chore forever." Yep. Every morning, I feed the dog. Recently, I was up in the night with a stuffy nose, so I slept in. When DH tried to feed the dog, the dog didn't believe DH knew how. The little creature tried to get me up, making doggie noises to say, "it's time to FEED ME!" {Eventually, DH lured him out by rattling the bin of kibble loud enough to get the dog's interest.} I think I own that chore for now though.

 

[imoldernu]

28 years of retirement
59 years of marriage

Still working things out.

Will let ya know....

 

[48Fire]

There's an old adage - don't be the first one to mow the lawn or do the dishes in a marriage or you'll be the one doing that chore for the rest of your life. Retirement is somewhat of a reset. If you don't establish the ground rules right away, the pattern you fall into will be the pattern you're stuck with. You're the only one that can set the rules you want in your retirement and you need to do that.

There are also old adages such as, "Don't argue about who's turn it is to take out the trash, etc." And, "Focus on what you need, not what you want." Or you might find yourself posting on "Regretting Gray Divorce" someday.

My wife was mostly a SAHM, by our choice. She often did things for me since she had more time, etc. Doesn't seem like that was a problem for us, but everyone is different I guess