setting time boundaries with spouse

[Slughorn]

First, let me say that DH is

• generous
• self-sacrificing
• extremely hard-working
• intelligent, and
• kind to animals.

He does, however, have trouble seeing the other person's perspective.

We've been married over 30 years, and ... I wouldn't trade him.

I've recently retired. He wants to keep working.

(Can you see where this is leading?)

We haven't had any thunderstorms ... yet. But I can see the clouds forming.

He is beginning to get the attitude, "a great inconvenience to you is better than a small cost to me."

For example,

We needed to drop off a car for a repair.
The plan was for us to get up early. He would drive one car, I would drive a 2nd, and then I'd give him my car and take the bus home. We'd pick up the repaired car after he got off work.

That would cost me an extra hour, since I'd get to town before I could do my errand, and since the bus home runs infrequently. But it would save him 20 minutes, because he wouldn't have to drop me home on his way to work. That wasn't the problem.

I agreed to the plan, since I needed to go get a shot anyway. My condition was to arrange the car repair on Tues, Thurs, or Friday when the clinic was open, so I wouldn't have to make a 2nd trip to town this week.

He got sulky about that; wanted to have freedom to schedule the car repair without considering that Wednesday would be inconvenient for me. Eventually, though, he gave in.

So, how do you set boundaries when your spouse starts to assume you've got infinite free time which can be used for their convenience?

 

[gerntz]

When he schedules on Wednesday, let him deal with his own car's repairs & go about your business.

 

[Slughorn]

Oh, he scheduled on Tuesday, but he wasn't thrilled about it.

My problem is how to stop the gradual assumption that I'll always adapt because I've "got so much free time."

... without needlessly starting WWIII.

 

[Blue Collar Guy]

Something like this, "Sweetheart I told you any day but Wednesday, But if thats what you want, then Ill take a cab back home, I was hoping to save the 95 dollars."

 

[Nemo2]

Get three cars, and then you can......oh, no.....never mind.

 

[Slughorn]

BCG, that would get his attention for sure!

 

[Slughorn]

what I really need is a robot-driver.

 

[FIREd]

In this situation, I would have let my spouse take the second car to go to work, and I would have handled dropping off the first car for repair on my own schedule. I really dislike being dependent on someone else's schedule.

 

[Slughorn]

In this situation, I would have let my spouse take the second car to go to work, and I would have handled dropping off the first car for repair on my own schedule.

Yes, from what I told you that would have been the most practical solution.

More of the gory details: The first car is an RV, that I haven't ever driven, and probably never will drive. (It's his toy, not daily transportation.)

Also, DH wanted to talk to the shop in detail about the mechanical issue.

So, from my perspective, I was doing him a favor from start to finish. I'm sure he thinks differently!

 

[ivinsfan]

need more details,is this about the time or really about the fact that you retired when he didn't..Yes even though you said he wanted to keep working.

If the last one these little "things" will keep popping up until you two talk it out. The boundary comment is confusing because in fact you do have more unscheduled time then he does..Do you let him do whatever is wants to on the weekends since it is his break from work?

 

[Nemo2]

I find this all quite enthralling since DW & I (we only have one car) each (attempt to) defer to the other over [-]just about[/-] everything.

 

[Slughorn]

Do you let him do whatever is wants to on the weekends since it is his break from work?

Oh, man, I wish that he would take more downtime on weekends.

I said he was hard-working.

Saturday, I got him to agree that we only had 3 goals for the weekend. IF we met those 3 goals, we'd be satisfied. It was a minor miracle, but we finished by 2pm Saturday. It was lovely weather.

Tried to talk him into something fun. Go to town? Go driving? No dice. Instead, he worked in the yard. Not because it's fun for him, but 'because it needed to be done' and 'Saturdays are work days.'

I think we finished around 6 p.m.

Of course I helped him, but I'd love him to have fewer projects and more fun. Too bad he has no interest in golf!

Unfortunately, when he hires out projects, generally he hasn't been happy with the work.

I blame his parents.

 

[Slughorn]

DW & I (we only have one car) each (attempt to) defer to the other over [-]just about[/-] everything.

Are you both retired?

If so, how did you avoid the territorial conflicts? I still harass him about the time he insisted (hissy-fit level) that we needed a turkey baster in the kitchen -- during the years when we were vegetarians!

 

[travelover]

Oh, man, I wish that he would take more downtime on weekends.............

Take to reading the obituaries out loud with emphasis on people who died in their 40's and 50's. Then declare loudly how it is too bad they missed out on all the fun things you two could be doing together.

 

[ivinsfan]

Oh, man, I wish that he would take more downtime on weekends.

I said he was hard-working.

Saturday, I got him to agree that we only had 3 goals for the weekend. IF we met those 3 goals, we'd be satisfied. It was a minor miracle, but we finished by 2pm Saturday. It was lovely weather.

Tried to talk him into something fun. Go to town? Go driving? No dice. Instead, he worked in the yard. Not because it's fun for him, but 'because it needed to be done.'

Of course I helped him, but I'd love him to have fewer projects and more fun. Unfortunately, when he hires out projects, generally he hasn't been happy with the work.

I blame his parents.

The more important question is if he values always being busy, does the fact you left your job play as a negative about you in his head?

I don't see your ages here could you give a general age range?

 

[Nemo2]

Are you both retired?

If so, how did you avoid the territorial conflicts? I still harass him over the time he insisted that we needed a turkey baster in the kitchen -- during the years when we were vegetarians!

We have no 'territorial conflicts'...pretty much, if something needs to be done, the person closest to it does it, (so to speak).....although some things, (e.g. I generally, but not always, shop for groceries....sometimes she does it and other times we do it together), drift into quasi allocation.

Neither of us work, but back before DW quit I'd do what was required.....no biggee...it's not a gotcha competition.

 

[mystang52]

Something like this, "Sweetheart I told you any day but Wednesday, But if thats what you want, then Ill take a cab back home, I was hoping to save the 95 dollars."

DW still w*rks, and is 100% supportive of my ER. When I get a honey-do chore, it's usually not an issue. But occasionally it will conflict with my other plans (e.g., driving to a bike path a considerable distance away). An answer along the lines quoted above almost always works.

 

[FIREd]

Yes, from what I told you that would have been the most practical solution.

More of the gory details: The first car is an RV, that I haven't ever driven, and probably never will drive. (It's his toy, not daily transportation.) Also, DH wanted to talk to the shop in detail about the mechanical issue.

I see.

Well, I think that when a spouse retires and the other one continues to work (even if it is by choice), the dynamic changes - sometimes subtly and sometimes not. So before setting boundaries, you have to determine why he behaves the way he does. I get a passive aggressive vibe from his behavior.

I retired 5 years before DW by the way.

 

[Blue Collar Guy]

DW still w*rks, and is 100% supportive of my ER. When I get a honey-do chore, it's usually not an issue. But occasionally it will conflict with my other plans (e.g., driving to a bike path a considerable distance away). An answer along the lines quoted above almost always works.

 

[Slughorn]

Yo, y'all,

Checking in, between chores.

To answer a lot of questions: late 50's, early 60's.

DH loves having me home and was suggesting that I quit my job for a year or two before I actually did. (Nights and weekends were part of my schedule; highly disruptive to family life.)


We have one college kid living at home while she takes classes.

Part of my worry about boundaries involves her -- if Mom can do everything, that doesn't mean Mom should do everything. And DH works so hard, I don't want to tie him up in drama when DD, for example, leaves her textbooks spread out all over the dining table and takes off. (Yes, she has a desk in her room.)

The obituary suggestion is a good one. DH works too darn hard and too perfectly. He's kinda like the absent-minded professor, in some ways: he gets involved in a project and doesn't want to stop, even to eat.

I wouldn't call him passive-aggressive, more like spoiled. He's used to having his schedule rule the day. I don't want to become a doormat: giving up 60 minutes to save him 20 minutes on occasion, okay. Making an extra trip to town as well (+ 40 minutes) ...maybe not.

Oh, and I've been retired for only 19 days.

So, I'm watching for 'the thin edge of the wedge,' where you start doing little things to make the family run more smoothly, and, before you know it, you're spending all morning ironing your spouse's socks.

(speaking of socks; I think I came up with a brilliant sol'n: I saw DH squinting in the predawn light, trying to decide if the socks in his hand were navy or black. Since he only has a few pair of navy socks, and since I fold laundry during the day, when the light is good, I wrote NAVY on a ziplock, and put his navy socks inside. I think that might forestall a headache in the morning...or a mismatched outfit.)

Now, back to the decluttering, which is my pet project for .... maybe the next year.

 

[Nemo2]

From my perspective.....I already lost one wife to cancer...I'm not about to lose another to trivia.

 

[SumDay]

Slughorn, I am moderately disturbed, because I now suspect my husband has another family in whatever town it is you live in.

 

[Winemaker]

Yo, y'all,



So, I'm watching for 'the thin edge of the wedge,' where you start doing little things to make the family run more smoothly, and, before you know it, you're spending all morning ironing your spouse's socks.

(speaking of socks; I think I came up with a brilliant sol'n: I saw DH squinting in the predawn light, trying to decide if the socks in his hand were navy or black. Since he only has a few pair of navy socks, and since I fold laundry during the day, when the light is good, I wrote NAVY on a ziplock, and put his navy socks inside. I think that might forestall a headache in the morning...or a mismatched outfit.)

Now, back to the decluttering, which is my pet project for .... maybe the next year.

I have another solution, put all navy socks in trash bag! Or Goodwill bag!

Back to original question. It's only been 19 days; if he likes a scheduled life, well, get his input and make a schedule. Yours, with some tweaking. It's a marriage not life sentence. If he has jobs he needs to get done around the house, find out what they are and get them done or set them up to get done.
For example, if he wants the dog house painted then paint it during the week. If you can't paint the dog house, have the drop clothes, paint brush, mixing stick, brush cleaner, primer, paint, sandpaper, and masking tape already for his use. IOW, set him up for success.

As far as fun things, subscribe to a "fun" magazine or two. ( but not Popular Mechanics or This Old House if you get my drift) Leave it out in open or read parts of a story to him, around here in Grapetown, there's always a festival, farmer's market or event, within 10 minutes of the house. It takes two to Tango, so put your shoes on and start playing the music.

 

[Slughorn]

Slughorn, I am moderately disturbed, because I now suspect my husband has another family in whatever town it is you live in.

Nope; he's too busy here to have another family!

 

[Slughorn]

I have another solution, put all navy socks in trash bag! Or Goodwill bag!

Nope. He likes his navy socks with certain clothes. Yes, really.