SINGLE life after FIRE

[bbbamI]

Even me ??

Well, I dunno Moe....

I did mention in my post that it was a "tongue in cheek" remark...so I was joking.

I've always gone against the grain, so I'll consider myself evil. ....and a doer.

 

[bbbamI]

Your cuffs or mind?

You do have a thing about cuffs now don't you?

 

[Dawg52]

You do have a thing about cuffs now don't you?

I've always heard....the quite ones are the worst kind.

 

[FinanceDude]

I've always heard....the quite ones are the worst kind.

bbbamI? Quiet? Now that's a hoot!!

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

where morality refers to correct conduct, and where the ultimately successful human experience is understanding the self, the examined life, then superior morality reflects in behavior which leads to knowing true self. behavior which hides your true self from yourself or which denies or inhibits opportunity to explore yourself is therefore maybe not so moral afterall, but rather just weakness disguised as morality.

great ethics are reflected in the respect & compassion you offer others, especially as you exercise your morality in the exploration of yourself.

 

[AltaRed]

Of course, if my single female friends and acquaintances are to be believed, the toughest part of this is navigating through the minefield of married guys just looking for a little on the side, perhaps even lying about their marital status in so doing...

Then you (and some of your friends) have an outdated view of (some) Internet matching sites. There are those sites that are designed as a meat market, and others that are specifically tailored to finding companionship, platonic or otherwise. It can take weeks or months to find 'matching' partners on some of these sites.

Regardless, the OP was looking for ideas to become re-engaged and many suggestions were provided, including volunteering, gym, sports, church (if one is so inclined) and yes, Internet matching too. For what it is worth, I am now back into a close relationship and it is of the type Want2Retire has. I think we will see many more such relationships in the future.

 

[omni550]

Omni-

Two ideas for fulfilling goals 1, 2, and 3 as mentioned above
without w*rking...

First is, if you don't already, consider going to church. Churches
sometimes get a bad rap, but with the tough economic times we're
in, churches now more than ever are flooded with requests for
all kinds of help, so there's good volunteer opportunities and good
social support to go with them.

Second idea is to get a cute, friendly dog. Anytime you would
otherwise be bored or lonely, take the dog out for a walk. (You're already
walking 3x a week anyway.) Dogs instantly breakdown any
conversation barriers, and you'll find it is extremely easy to meet
all kinds of people. Your social circle will quickly broaden.
My dog made more friends in a month than I'd made in years.

-LB

leftbucket, Taking your suggestions in reverse order: I have a geriatric 'only cat' -- who would not take kindly to any animal intruders in her space, so the dog idea (although a very good suggestion) is a 'no go' at this time. I will consider your church suggestion. I'll need to look around here and see what the locals ones are up to and what volunteer stuff they are doing. Thanks, omni

 

[Zoocat]

I agree. I know what divorce feels like, and in America having an affair is an invitation to divorce. If I liked a woman I wouldn't want to put her in jeopardy. And it may be sexist, but I also wouldn't want to steal from the husband.

And if I were tempted, I would give some real thought to the hazard mentioned by Kahn. I'm not very brave, that would do it for me.

ha

Indeed. And being on the receiving end of deception puts the adultery scenario in a different, very painful, light. I have to say that when I was going through divorce I suddenly understood how the "wronged" spouse could feel like hurting the one she/he loved so devotedly. There's some primal reaction that happens when that love bond is broken, especially by adultery.

Omni, I wanted to reply to one phrase in your OP. Getting over a long term love affair "more quickly" is probably not the best idea. Although feeling that pain is excruciating, and no one wants to do that, finding another partner quickly is the certain way to further heartbreak.

I can recommend a book that helped me understand this special kind of grieving process. "Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends" by Bruce Fisher.
Rebuilding, 3rd ed. from Impact Publishers

There are support groups that use the book and are led by a professional therapist. Fisher Rebuilding Seminar Locations

What Ha said about really digging deeply and discovering how you contributed to the break up is profound and something that I feel is extremely important.

And, oh yeah, the dog idea from Leftbucket is superb. My dog has been literally an emotional life support at times. And, despite the negative view of our society toward singles and being alone, it's really ok (4 years post divorce).

 

[haha]

What Ha said about really digging deeply and discovering how you contributed to the break up is profound and something that I feel is extremely important.

I think that might have been Lazy.

My thought is that maybe people have boundaries beyond which they can't really go. So maybe both contribute in the sense that if the down partner kept on giving the breakup might have been averted. But would it have been worth it? Like you say, it hurts to be dumped, but you do heal and sometimes even prefer they way you feel after it's all over.

I know I would never try to compromise and put up with all my ex's oddities if I were walking in fresh. But you get into a relationship, you really want it to work, and you write a relationship friendly script to explain it. Sometimes the best explanation is just that he or she is goofy.

BTW Oldbabe, sounds like you are doing very well!
ha

 

[HFWR]

I'd like to say something profound, but I'd sooner explain the big bang theory...

 

[haha]

I'd like to say something profound, but I'd sooner explain the big bang theory...

You just watched 2 1/2 Men on Fox too?

 

[HFWR]

You just watched 2 1/2 Men on [-]a[/-] Fox too?

Is that a porno?

Nah, that came straight from the heart...

 

[ziggy29]

You just watched 2 1/2 Men on Fox too?

Is that a porno?

No, that was "2 1/2 Legs."

 

[Khan]

I think that might have been Lazy.

My thought is that maybe people have boundaries beyond which they can't really go. So maybe both contribute in the sense that if the down partner kept on giving the breakup might have been averted. But would it have been worth it?

A very good question. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses.

Like you say, it hurts to be dumped, but you do heal and sometimes even prefer they way you feel after it's all over.

True. I did eventually.

I know I would never try to compromise and put up with all my ex's oddities if I were walking in fresh. But you get into a relationship, you really want it to work, and you write a relationship friendly script to explain it. Sometimes the best explanation is just that he or she is goofy.

Looking back, I seem to be the one who was 'just goofy'.
--------------------------------------------------

Omni, I wanted to reply to one phrase in your OP. Getting over a long term love affair "more quickly" is probably not the best idea. Although feeling that pain is excruciating, and no one wants to do that, finding another partner quickly is the certain way to further heartbreak.

Absolutely.

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

And if I were tempted, I would give some real thought to the hazard mentioned by Kahn. I'm not very brave, that would do it for me.

&

really digging deeply and discovering how you contributed to the break up is profound and something that I feel is extremely important.

a distinction being that, aside from surface interaction, it doesn’t matter as much, with regard to the wellspring of morality, what your action is perceived as doing to a third person or what that person might actually do to you. (though some might argue this as more to the realm of karma, but here that is secondary or resultant.) you don’t control others’ lives, only your own.

for if it wasn’t you, it likely would have been somebody else. in that equation, you are just the random variable. so such considerations become ancillary when the underlying motivation of your interactions with others is not what you might do to them but rather what are you doing to yourself.

your mother didn’t tell you not to run with scissors because she was afraid for the furniture but for your own safety & so you wouldn’t poke anyone else’s eye out while you take care of yourself.

 

[omni550]

Indeed. And being on the receiving end of deception puts the adultery scenario in a different, very painful, light. I have to say that when I was going through divorce I suddenly understood how the "wronged" spouse could feel like hurting the one she/he loved so devotedly. There's some primal reaction that happens when that love bond is broken, especially by adultery.

Omni, I wanted to reply to one phrase in your OP. Getting over a long term love affair "more quickly" is probably not the best idea. Although feeling that pain is excruciating, and no one wants to do that, finding another partner quickly is the certain way to further heartbreak.

I can recommend a book that helped me understand this special kind of grieving process. "Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends" by Bruce Fisher.
Rebuilding, 3rd ed. from Impact Publishers

There are support groups that use the book and are led by a professional therapist. Fisher Rebuilding Seminar Locations

What Ha said about really digging deeply and discovering how you contributed to the break up is profound and something that I feel is extremely important.

And, oh yeah, the dog idea from Leftbucket is superb. My dog has been literally an emotional life support at times. And, despite the negative view of our society toward singles and being alone, it's really ok (4 years post divorce).

oldbabe,

Thanks.

I looked at the book's website. The table of contents looks interesting and relevant. I'll be ordering the book.

I've thought a lot about what my contribution to the breakup was. Ex-SO didn't give me a lot of input of his perspective; so I'll have to hazard some guesses.

omni

 

[walkinwood]

There is a great site called meetup.com

Try it. Hopefully, you'll find a group of people that share a hobby or interest that you like and get to know more people. A recently single friend of mine says it has changed her life.

If there isn't a group you like there, create one!

In ER, though happily married, I'm finding that I need more social contact than my wife does, so I plan to start using the site in 09 to meet others that share my hobbies.

 

[FUEGO]

There is a great site called meetup.com

I'll second that recommendation. A good, low impact way to meet people. Go to a meeting/activity or two, check it out, and if you don't like it, disassociate. Good way to find people sharing common interests. I was briefly involved with a meetup group locally targeted towards families with children sharing a specific religious viewpoint. Good experience overall, just not enough time to continue attending meetings.

 

[citrine]

Omni....maybe you need some time to be with yourself and heal instead of rushing into meeting new people and getting hitched again.
I know it sounds awful.....but it is actually really good. I dated someone earlier this year for a few months and prior to that, I had been by myself for a year and a half....it was the best thing I could have done for myself.
I don't have the patience for retards like I did at one time and really got to know myself.
However, there is also the danger of liking it too much and becoming a grumpy old man or woman

 

[Goonie]

However, there is also the danger of liking it too much and becoming a grumpy old man or woman

And to think that I thought that that was a highly honored character trait that was to be sought after, as a sign of success in my geezerdom!

 

[Khan]

And to think that I thought that that was a highly honored character trait that was to be sought after, as a sign of success in my geezerdom!

I worked for years to become a crazy cat lady.

 

[omni550]

There is a great site called meetup.com

Try it. Hopefully, you'll find a group of people that share a hobby or interest that you like and get to know more people. A recently single friend of mine says it has changed her life.

If there isn't a group you like there, create one!

In ER, though happily married, I'm finding that I need more social contact than my wife does, so I plan to start using the site in 09 to meet others that share my hobbies.

walkinwood,

I have tried meetup.com. I went to a knitting group. It was a very nice group of women. They are crazy about knitting and I'm not. I just can't bring myself to spend hours knitting every week.

I tried signing up for another group -- a local "boomers" group. In the past 6 weeks, they had one get-together (a holiday gathering at a local restaurant) that was closed to newcomers -- and only 4 "regulars" showed up. Maybe it's me -- but that struck me as sort of bizarre. You think they'd want to expand their memebership, rather than keep it closed.

I'll keep monitoring meetup.com to see if any other interesting groups show up.

Thanks,

omni

 

[Hobo]

I already made one post about the advantages of traveling, but let me reinforce that thought a bit. Most Americans spend their whole lives growing up and living in a narrow culture. We get marries, we get divorced, we argue over the kids, we look for a new partner by "widening our circle of friends".

I went to single's clubs, I tried Match.com, I participated in community activities, I went to the bars. It was always the same result - I was meeting the same kind of people that I had divorced or my friends had divorced! They are all the same - "this one is still suffering from a broken heart", "this one just wants to get laid", "this one is too hungry for any relationship", "this one just wants to play games".

The pre-packaged solutions for recovering from a breakup all come out of the same small world that gave you the first 2/3rds of your life and left you feeling helpless.

In my opinion, this is the time to do some serious consideration about the things you really like... and a lot of the things you like you might not even know exists! I live on a tropical island in Indonesia. There is a British woman here who married a young, local man. She started a bed and breakfast, using local girls to help out as maids and cooks. She never had children earlier in her life, so she adapted a newborn local baby - and loves it. She has a live-in baby sitter (salary $30/month) to help her.

Lots of people from Western countries retire to places all over the world and often marry a local spouse. Sometimes it is the fact that the new husband and wife don't have a lot in common that make them most compatible. As an outsider, you are not burdened by any of the social customs that truly rule the lives of most Americans.

Maybe none of this sounds good to you - that's okay. My point is there are a million different life styles just waiting for you. Don't be too quick to fall back into the old patterns again.

 

[Zoocat]

Omni....maybe you need some time to be with yourself and heal instead of rushing into meeting new people and getting hitched again.
I know it sounds awful.....but it is actually really good. I dated someone earlier this year for a few months and prior to that, I had been by myself for a year and a half....it was the best thing I could have done for myself.
I don't have the patience for retards like I did at one time and really got to know myself.
However, there is also the danger of liking it too much and becoming a grumpy old man or woman

I agree with you, Citrine. But about singlehood -- if you like it then why would you be grumpy? I think that the 'grumpy old man or woman' stereotype is just that. It's possible to be single, old, and happy. It's also possible to be married,old, and very grumpy. I've seen that more often.

 

[citrine]

I think we become more eccentric, crazy, and grumpy as we get older.....plus, I saw the grumpy old men movie