Romantic Relationships Post FIRE

FIREd said:
I retired at age 36 (I'm nearly 50 now) and got divorced 8 years into early retirement. So I unexpectedly found myself in the dating pool again in my 40's.

I dated for a year before finding my new partner and we've been together 2 years now. The fact that I am retired has not been a major issue so far. We both agree that marriage is off the table. We live together yet we maintain separate homes. My partner lives in Switzerland and I live in France but our homes are only 3 miles apart, so it easy to switch homes whenever we feel like it. We actually enjoy this arrangement. And we keep our finances separate. My net worth is 2 orders of magnitude greater but our disposable incomes are about the same so on a day-to-day basis we are quite evenly matched financially.

Being in a relationship has not changed my overall spending, I just spent differently. I used to spend on personal pursuits, now I spend more on shared pursuits. We disclosed our income early on (in my case "income" is what I allow myself to spend) so we know and respect each other's spending limits.
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I relate to one particular aspect of this. I am not in a romantic relationship. The relationship I have with my long-time best friend though, is a very close one. It just doesn't have the physical element (which is fine with both of us). I have been retired for nearly all of the time we have known each other. In contrast, she still works and will most likely always work, unless ill health or age prevent her from doing so. My net worth is far greater than hers, yet our incomes are similar. Actually, her income is a little greater than mine.

Because our incomes are roughly similar, we tend to like eating at the same types of places, and spending roughly the same amounts on entertainment/leisure pursuits. The only difference is that my income comes from investments, while hers comes from earned income. It took a while for her stop viewing me as "rich", but I think she gets it now. She used to tell me I was rich. I'd push back on that but in a way, she's not completely wrong. My income takes virtually no work to generate (on my part, at least), while hers takes a considerable amount of regular work and effort. In that sense, I suppose I am rich.
 
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Major Tom said:
It took a while for her stop viewing me as "rich", but I think she gets it now. She used to tell me I was rich. I'd push back on that but in a way, she's not completely wrong. My income takes virtually no work to generate (on my part, at least), while hers takes a considerable amount of regular work and effort. In that sense, I suppose I am rich.
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TickTock's 11th grade teacher's definition of rich (which I adopted immediately and still hold): You are rich if you could stop w*rking tomorrow, never w*rk again, and maintain the same standard of living until you die.
 
REWahoo said:
I immediately thought of this thread when I saw this:

'Golden Bachelor' couple announces split after 3 months of marriage

Stay tuned for the premier of a new "Golden Batchelor" coming this fall! :LOL:
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Loved this quote from the interview of the happily divorcing couple:

“We have received so much love and support from so many people who watched The Golden Bachelor, and I don’t think we can tell you how many people told us that it gave them so much hope. We want none of that to change for anybody," Nist added.

I found this quite amusing. And at the same time, somewhat saddened by the fact that people actually found “hope” while watching a reality TV show about dating.
 
After hearing this news, I just don't know how I can go on with my life. I really don't.

All my dreams for these two kids have been crushed. :D
 
My friend, who watches romance "reality" shows faithfully, predicted they'd last 3 months. She should win a prize.

The producers are now combing the country for enough attractive, healthy, yet single older men to field a "Golden Bachelorette" show. Such men usually don't need a show's help finding a mate :LOL:

Gremlin said:
Loved this quote from the interview of the happily divorcing couple:

“We have received so much love and support from so many people who watched The Golden Bachelor, and I don’t think we can tell you how many people told us that it gave them so much hope. We want none of that to change for anybody," Nist added.

I found this quite amusing. And at the same time, somewhat saddened by the fact that people actually found “hope” while watching a reality TV show about dating.
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I think I saw one "bachelor" type show when they first came out. Totally - not my cup of tea (although I used to read old school type romantic novels - think Jane Austin).

One can have a romantic relationship with one's spouse post-retirement. :D
 
Amethyst said:
The producers are now combing the country for enough attractive, healthy, yet single older men to field a "Golden Bachelorette" show. Such men usually don't need a show's help finding a mate :LOL:
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All of the gals on the Golden Batchelor looked pretty good to me. I doubt if any of them would need help to find a good man. In fact, their biggest problem will be sorting through their admirers. OTOH, hearing all of them fuss, fawn, and sigh over ‘Gary’, made me realize that some may have bigger problems than how they looked. It was really rather insulting to most mature women, IMO.
 
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IMHO there is no 'rule' no 'best practice' etc despite all the various stories of failure, success, desperation, and happiness.

This is about people. Does not matter that if they are 40, 60, 70, etc. People are all different and without a doubt fickle, opinionated, generous, loving, devious... You pick from a very long list of potential personal attributes. Real or imagined.

I do not believe that there is a norm, a best practice. For some it will be love at first sight and happily ever after. For others not so much.

One failure or one success IMHO does not constitute an acknowldedged best practice for seniors. Everyone has a story of some sort.

When we got married 50 years ago three of DW's siblings said it would never last for a number of reasons. It did...but each one of those three naysayers was divorced within eight years!

Life is short. Do what feels right and forget about what others may think or say. Afer all it is your life to live, not theirs.
 
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MarieIG said:
I think I saw one "bachelor" type show when they first came out. Totally - not my cup of tea (although I used to read old school type romantic novels - think Jane Austin).

One can have a romantic relationship with one's spouse post-retirement. :D
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MadTV parody, don't miss "Kenny's" comments starting at 1:55:

MadTV Bachelor parody
 
ncbill said:
MadTV parody, don't miss "Kenny's" comments starting at 1:55:

MadTV Bachelor parody
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IMO, those two should have skipped getting married and just had an FWB relationship. I bet things would still be smoothly humming along. :)
Or......
The way those gals were swooning over Gary, they could also have had a Polyamory relationship(s). Lucky >:D. :D
 
Good luck y'all. I walked away from the mating/dating game when when I was 48. I'm 62 now. Life is good. No interest in finding a romantic partner.
 
One retired couple we've known for quite some time just divorced. It was like a 2 X 4 upside the head when we heard the news. THEY are divorcing?? No one is safe. I don't know what happened and though I admit to being moderately curious, I will not ask anyone about the situation. I just feel for both of them and, once again, give thanks that DW has stuck with me all these years.
 
Mr. Tightwad said:
I'm single, retired at 45, am now 61 and met my current GF when I was 56 (she was 39 then).

So 5 years in and it's still a success. Best woman I've ever known.

My first suggestion is to meet women younger by 10 or 20 years. It's worked out well for me.
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Does your GF still work? Does she need to, or is she FIREd too? I ask because depending on the lifestyle OP wants to lead, it can be a challenge if a potential partner needs to work, for financial reasons but also just time availability. My ex was 13 years older than me. We married when he was 58, I 45, just after he retired. He was set for life financially with COLA pension and savings, whereas I still needed to work for a while. His desire to travel a lot took precedence in his life, and caused a lot of marital strife since work limited my travel and free time in general. Of course there are people out there who are fine with FWB arrangements or less committed romantic relationships where the two of you don't spend a lot of time together. Or if OP is willing to financially support a partner into the future, so they don't need to work, that would certainly change the potential relationship dynamic.
 
pdxgal said:
Does your GF still work? Does she need to, or is she FIREd too? I ask because depending on the lifestyle OP wants to lead, it can be a challenge if a potential partner needs to work, for financial reasons but also just time availability. My ex was 13 years older than me. We married when he was 58, I 45, just after he retired. He was set for life financially with COLA pension and savings, whereas I still needed to work for a while. His desire to travel a lot took precedence in his life, and caused a lot of marital strife since work limited my travel and free time in general. Of course there are people out there who are fine with FWB arrangements or less committed romantic relationships where the two of you don't spend a lot of time together. Or if OP is willing to financially support a partner into the future, so they don't need to work, that would certainly change the potential relationship dynamic.
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OP is not looking for FWB nor is he looking for someone who is financially dependent....so, it's obviously a bit tricky.
 
pdxgal said:
Does your GF still work? Does she need to, or is she FIREd too? I ask because depending on the lifestyle OP wants to lead, it can be a challenge if a potential partner needs to work, for financial reasons but also just time availability. My ex was 13 years older than me. We married when he was 58, I 45, just after he retired. He was set for life financially with COLA pension and savings, whereas I still needed to work for a while. His desire to travel a lot took precedence in his life, and caused a lot of marital strife since work limited my travel and free time in general. Of course there are people out there who are fine with FWB arrangements or less committed romantic relationships where the two of you don't spend a lot of time together. Or if OP is willing to financially support a partner into the future, so they don't need to work, that would certainly change the potential relationship dynamic.
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Thank you for describing the dynamic I have dealt with for several years.

I've dated women who were still working, while I had kids at home. That had challenges due to my commitments and their schedules. I later married one who I supported for several years like a stay-at-home wife. That failed for reasons more complicated than can be explained succinctly, but my kids were a part of it. Plug and play for the late wife didn't work, and I now see it was naive to ever think it could.

After those experiences, I'll take a FWB with someone who lives independently (working or not), doesn't compel me to rebuild my closet to accommodate their wardrobe, and enjoys doing fun things together. For now, that would be good enough.
 
I know a lot of women who never want to be married again. Many have had at least two marriages and divorces and don’t want to go through that experience again. Others will lose a much larger SS benefit if they remarry. And some have come off years and years of living like a nun while they cared for a spouse who slowly faded away thanks to some disease. They don’t want to go through that again.

So, they stay single, and, yes, often enjoy a FWB relationship with a single man they trust. They keep their personal freedom and financial independence. They don't’ get hooked into being a lifelong caregiver. And, it’s much safer than hooking up with some Joe they met at a bar.
 
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Frank and I have been devoted to one another for the past 23 years, in what I guess you could call a FWB relationship. Before we met, he was married for decades and then his wife died. Before we met I was married for decades after which I divorced my DH, and a decade later he died. So, by the time Frank and I met (in 2000 or was it 2001?), we both felt we were free to see someone else, and had zero desire to ever marry again.

I don't want his money and he doesn't want mine. We don't live together or share our money (since neither of us has the time to save enough to cover retirement again, so we each need to keep what we've got).

I don't want him to be my "Beast of Burden" as in the Rolling Stones' song:


And he doesn't want me to slave away doing his laundry, cleaning, and cooking for him. What we do want is companionship, deep emotional commitment, and somebody intelligent to spend time with. Works out nicely for us. I think the important thing in a romantic relationship after FIRE, is to know exactly what you want in that relationship.
 
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W2R , your relationship sounds perfect to me. It’s exactly what I would like but won’t hold my breath to find it. Must also love small yappy dogs:)).
 
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