Year 2 retirement blues

[audreyh1]

Give yourself a break, you have been through the wringer in the last 12 months. You are still dealing with loss and the stress that goes with it.

I suspect that the lack of interest in the "things you want to do when retired" is due to your general stress level over losing both parents.

It's okay to not know what you want to do, take it easy on yourself for awhile. It might be that if you try again with the list, the "meh" feeling might be gone.

Let yourself feel what you need to feel and then maybe try again, your place in the world is different now that your parents are gone and that's something you can come to grips with in time, you have the time you need, be good to yourself.You are not doing nothing...you are adjusting to your new reality.

Yep - I bet that is a large part of what is going on and a big reason for the "meh". You will get excited about things again, but you need to give yourself time to get through the grieving and adjustment process.

 

[Fedup]

I'm on my second year of retirement too. The first year I did nothing but veg out plus 4 months traveling in Europe. The second year my husband and I decided to take some classes at the local community college. So far I've been super busy between 3 hours of badmington, twice a week, 3 hours of piano and 6 hours of oil painting a week. Best yet, I've discovered my passion for painting, painting is something I really enjoyed when I was much younger. On top of these activities, we are taking bridge lesson at a senior center and playing weekly. I enjoy meeting people from these activities. I'm not much of a volunteer either, I did a lot of that when my kids were younger, something related to school.
My suggestion is to take some classes of your interest. Who knows you may find your hidden passion.
On top of these activities, my husband likes live concert, so we've been going these classical concerts either at local college or at a major performing art center that I wouldn't have time before. The key thing is to make sure you get out everyday.

 

[Mdlerth]

Dear Lisa (OP),

I don't have any data on your situation, since I am doing TMY. So instead of advice, I will try to offer comfort.

I am sorry about the string of tragedies you have suffered. It certainly was more than your share to be clobbered by in a single year.

I expect you will find peace on your own timetable so you can start enjoying your retirement sooner than later. When you do, I look forward to reading your stories about how much fun it finally turned out to be.

 

[Mulligan]

I'm on my second year of retirement too. The first year I did nothing but veg out plus 4 months traveling in Europe. The second year my husband and I decided to take some classes at the local community college. So far I've been super busy between 3 hours of badmington, twice a week, 3 hours of piano and 6 hours of oil painting a week. Best yet, I've discovered my passion for painting, painting is something I really enjoyed when I was much younger. On top of these activities, we are taking bridge lesson at a senior center and playing weekly. I enjoy meeting people from these activities. I'm not much of a volunteer either, I did a lot of that when my kids were younger, something related to school.
My suggestion is to take some classes of your interest. Who knows you may find your hidden passion.
On top of these activities, my husband likes live concert, so we've been going these classical concerts either at local college or at a major performing art center that I wouldn't have time before. The key thing is to make sure you get out everyday.

Badminton...That is a blast from the past. I won our university rec tournament a long time ago. Must have been a couple hundred people in it. I could smash the hell out of that birdie. I also remember being so sore I could hardly walk for a week. I dont think I have played since then. In fact I dont know if I have ever seen a badminton court since then. It was a blast winning even if I could hardly walk for a week. That would be fun to play, if I could do it without having to be competitive and getting mad because I cant do what my brain remembers what to do but the body cant.

 

[GTFan]

And I don't want to do serious volunteer work because then someone has control of my time.

My experience is the exact opposite - you control your schedule. And I would think that most nonprofits would treat volunteers that way.

Try it before you dismiss it out of hand, there's tons of opportunities so keep looking if you don't like the first one.

 

[broadway]

My experience is the exact opposite - you control your schedule. And I would think that most nonprofits would treat volunteers that way.

Try it before you dismiss it out of hand, there's tons of opportunities so keep looking if you don't like the first one.

But the concern is understandable.

You can't just show up whenever you feel like it even when you are volunteering. The non-profit will be counting on you to be there on a certain date and time.

I volunteer at a small rescue. I do it Saturday mornings. And unless I am sick, I show up.

So, yes, in a way, you are tied even when volunteering.

 

[bclover]

I say this all the time. "Retirement is a process"...like many, if not all, life changing moves, it take most of us some time to adjust to it.

Lots of good advice here, and I'll throw one more thing out there, just to be somewhat contrary. Don't completely rule out the idea of going back to work. It's really not a four letter word. And if you don't like it, you can "retire" again, but maybe with a better frame of mind about it.

Whatever you do, take your time. After what you've been through, you maybe just need to let life come to you for a while.

Good Luck, and be peaceful.

Absolutely. I went back to work p/t in a bakery. I love to bake, once I dreamed of owning my own bakery, but that's another story. lol
anyhoo, I enjoy it. my schedule is flexible since I'm p/t I don't have any of the "job review" nonsense and I enjoy the social aspect of it.

So I'm chiming in like everyone else. The great thing about being FI is choices. take your time, try everything.

Also do underestimate grief. I lost my husband a few years back and that's one reason I struggled with total retirement. all my plans where based on two, now I don't have the urge to travel alone

 

[GTFan]

But the concern is understandable.

You can't just show up whenever you feel like it even when you are volunteering. The non-profit will be counting on you to be there on a certain date and time.

I volunteer at a small rescue. I do it Saturday mornings. And unless I am sick, I show up.

So, yes, in a way, you are tied even when volunteering.

Your definition of control is different than mine - you agree to show up on YOUR schedule, not theirs. Subject to change at any time. If the nonprofit can't handle that then find one that can, you don't have to be the one or two people that they count on.

Look I'm not saying show/no show whenever you want, I'm saying that your week-to-week schedule should be as flexible as you need it to be because you control how you want to volunteer your time, not them. I tell the guy that runs our food pantry that I won't be in next week because we're going out of town and he's fine with it (I volunteer three half-days a week there). And every other volunteer has that same flexibility. They serve who they can with who they have and I would expect no less from any nonprofit or I wouldn't be there.

The trick for me, as a volunteer, is to not be important and yet be fulfilled (and of course give them a full shift's work). Make of it what you will.

 

[NW-Bound]

... The key thing is to make sure you get out everyday.

When we are up at our high-country retreat, we do not leave the home for a week or two at a time. We do go for a walk around the subdivision or work on the property though. Different people have different needs.

 

[ocean view]

Your definition of control is different than mine - you agree to show up on YOUR schedule, not theirs. Subject to change at any time. If the nonprofit can't handle that then find one that can, you don't have to be the one or two people that they count on.

Look I'm not saying show/no show whenever you want, I'm saying that your week-to-week schedule should be as flexible as you need it to be because you control how you want to volunteer your time, not them. I tell the guy that runs our food pantry that I won't be in next week because we're going out of town and he's fine with it (I volunteer three half-days a week there). And every other volunteer has that same flexibility. They serve who they can with who they have and I would expect no less from any nonprofit or I wouldn't be there.

The trick for me, as a volunteer, is to not be important and yet be fulfilled (and of course give them a full shift's work). Make of it what you will.

+1.

This is spot on. I too volunteer at a food bank and they are thrilled to get whatever time I can give. I do have a regular schedule and regular tasks that I perform for them, but I have no problem giving them a week's notice that I won't there the following week or longer. And they never complain. If they give me a project that I can't finish in my regular shift, they'll find someone else to finish the work if needed. No stress, no worries, just enjoyment in what I can give to them.

 

[Fedup]

When we are up at our high-country retreat, we do not leave the home for a week or two at a time. We do go for a walk around the subdivision or work on the property though. Different people have different needs.

I consider walking as getting out too. My husband and I walk everyday, a habit we picked up from our Euro trip. We go shopping for food at our local supermarket daily, or when we can. I no longer hoping on a car for that. But it has been raining hard in California and sometime we do feel cooped in. When the weather is good, we go swimming every afternoon too, on to of walking and other activities. We see a lot of retirees at the pool and jacuzzi. We don't feel isolated at all.

 

[Fedup]

Badminton...That is a blast from the past. I won our university rec tournament a long time ago. Must have been a couple hundred people in it. I could smash the hell out of that birdie. I also remember being so sore I could hardly walk for a week. I dont think I have played since then. In fact I dont know if I have ever seen a badminton court since then. It was a blast winning even if I could hardly walk for a week. That would be fun to play, if I could do it without having to be competitive and getting mad because I cant do what my brain remembers what to do but the body cant.

My knees are not as good as when I was younger, but I enjoy the game. My husband can be very competitive, I often need to remind him that when he's not hurting himself, it's a good thing. A few retirees in my class do scrap their knees when they fall.

 

[brucethebroker]

Oh, and about the dogs. We've always had them and our two hounds are our buddies. However, we've sworn that when they go that's it because they're a real wet blanket on traveling, especially spur of the moment. Fortunately we have a great house/pet sitter but she's not always available and we hate to jail them. So as much as they add to your life they can be a serious restriction. It will be interesting to see how when our last departs if we can resist the urge to have one.

A good friend just survived "death of a dog". He swore, during the final days, that they would not replace the dog, but live a less encumbered life-more travel,etc.

That lasted about 5 days, saw an adorable dog needing a home.....

 

[target2019]

Having a dog around was a great thing when I was adapting to circumstances. I was in a sort of limbo, having been laid off for a long time. We started each day by sitting on the deck for a cup or two. Then we walked a few miles. After that exercise, life had more meaning.

Dog has moved away. I'm back at work, wondering.

 

[broadway]

Your definition of control is different than mine - you agree to show up on YOUR schedule, not theirs. Subject to change at any time. If the nonprofit can't handle that then find one that can, you don't have to be the one or two people that they count on.

Look I'm not saying show/no show whenever you want, I'm saying that your week-to-week schedule should be as flexible as you need it to be because you control how you want to volunteer your time, not them. I tell the guy that runs our food pantry that I won't be in next week because we're going out of town and he's fine with it (I volunteer three half-days a week there). And every other volunteer has that same flexibility. They serve who they can with who they have and I would expect no less from any nonprofit or I wouldn't be there.

The trick for me, as a volunteer, is to not be important and yet be fulfilled (and of course give them a full shift's work). Make of it what you will.

No. The week-to-week schedule is not flexible at my rescue.
There are other people who come in on Mondays, Tuesdays, etc.
Those are "their" days.
They have their own schedule.
You are depended on to be there on the day(s) you agree.
Of course if something comes up, they work with you, but there simply isn't
the randomness that you write of.

 

[Nemo2]

DW & I find that having any kind of 'outside commitment', (with travel related deadlines the possible exception), has become a minor PITA....we like to do 'things' IF we feel like them, and when we feel like doing them...the 'when' often being on very short notice.

 

[kcowan]

We find that outside commitment is essential to having a full retired life. But we both relish those days when there is none. There seems to be a balance needed

 

[dixonge]

A good friend just survived "death of a dog". He swore, during the final days, that they would not replace the dog, but live a less encumbered life-more travel,etc.

That lasted about 5 days, saw an adorable dog needing a home.....

Our ER plans were almost delayed by our dog. In the end, we probably should have had him 'put to sleep' sooner, but my wife develops intense, strong emotional attachments to animals. We had him for 16 years. Fortunately she is all-in on ER so we have owned no pets in the eight years since. She does, however, walk or pet-sit or volunteer in shelters any chance she gets. That way she can at least get her dog-fix.

We still have many travel plans so no pets for the foreseeable future.

 

[cathy63]

No. The week-to-week schedule is not flexible at my rescue.
There are other people who come in on Mondays, Tuesdays, etc.
Those are "their" days.
They have their own schedule.
You are depended on to be there on the day(s) you agree.
Of course if something comes up, they work with you, but there simply isn't
the randomness that you write of.

This hits close to home as I've been looking around my community for opportunities. It's turned out to be harder than I expected.

Some things I would like to do require a schedule. Walking dogs at the local shelter is one of them. They need consistency and reliability and want you to show up on the same day and time every week. Right now we're more at the "spontaneous travel" stage of early retirement so I can't give the weekly commitment they need. They have plenty of other volunteers who can commit, so they don't need to change their structure to appeal to me.

Similarly, I don't want to be a Girl Scout leader any more because of the ongoing weekly commitment. However, I'm willing to teach the two-day camp training class for new leaders a couple of times a year or help out with special events once in a while.

I just need to find more groups that have occasional needs or behind the scenes jobs that can be done on a sporadic basis. The Food Bank example is a good one. I was thinking Friends of the Library might have needs like sorting and pricing books, but haven't really looked into that yet. I did sign up at code.org and will see what comes of that.

 

[Music Lover]

No. The week-to-week schedule is not flexible at my rescue.
There are other people who come in on Mondays, Tuesdays, etc.
Those are "their" days.
They have their own schedule.
You are depended on to be there on the day(s) you agree.
Of course if something comes up, they work with you, but there simply isn't
the randomness that you write of.

This is one of the reasons why I don't volunteer very much...the last thing I want is to be tied down to a schedule after being told what to do for the first 54 year of my life.

However, I am considering volunteering for handyman services if I can find a well run group around here. That would at least allow me to pick and choose jobs that fit both my abilities and schedule with no need to commit to a certain day and time every week.

 

[Lisa99]

Thank you everyone for your kind, thoughtful and thought-provoking answers.

Several posts brought me to tears - you seem to know me much better than I know myself.

I'm the one in the family that seems to always "take charge". So looking back I see now how I treated each loss as a responsibility; to take care of the arrangements, making sure everyone else was ok, basically tucking my feelings away so they can't hurt me. (sounds awful in black and white but it's a defense mechanism from a not great childhood)

Your kindness has given me a lot to think about and you've given me permission to just chill, which I've never given myself.

It's funny, I don't know a single person on this forum personally, but I feel safe sharing and I am immensely grateful for that you're here.

 

[GTFan]

I just need to find more groups that have occasional needs or behind the scenes jobs that can be done on a sporadic basis. The Food Bank example is a good one. I was thinking Friends of the Library might have needs like sorting and pricing books, but haven't really looked into that yet. I did sign up at code.org and will see what comes of that.

That was my point, there are plenty of those out there. You don't have to consider volunteering like a job with a fixed schedule and limited flexibility unless you want to, so to say that volunteering ties you to a schedule is only correct for SOME opportunities, not all.

 

[cnocmmz]

Just passed the one-year retired mark. We worked hard for 6 years to be able to get to this point but I'm slowly going stir crazy!

First year retired was horrendous. Lost my dad the day I retired, then my mom in September, and between the two parents we lost both dogs. So year one wasn't a good litmus test. Constant travel to be with my parents, then the funerals, etc.

Thought we'd be RVing, but we're in the process of selling the RV. The lifestyle wasn't a good fit for us as a couple. So I'm at loose ends.

The things that were on the "things to do when retired" list have been tried, checked off, and been just meh. I know I'm sounding like huge sour grapes when most people would kill to be in my position but I'm really struggling to find my place in the world.

I've never been one to do nothing well but I don't want a job (heaven forbid!) And I don't want to do serious volunteer work because then someone has control of my time.

I guess I don't know what I do want to do. DH can sit all day and play on his iPad, but I'm not wired that way. On the positive side, my house is well on it's way to being spotless!

If you've been through something similar what advice would you pass on?

[-]Thought we'd be RVing, but we're in the process of selling the RV. The lifestyle wasn't a good fit for us as a couple. So I'm at loose ends. [/-]
So what happened to the RVing? We are thinking of doing the same and so, was wondering why it wasn't a good fit. WRT your situation, it is not a bad thing that both of you are wired differently, just see what you have in common and focus on those; however, still take your time to do what YOU enjoy separately.

 

[ER Eddie]

Thank you everyone for your kind, thoughtful and thought-provoking answers.

Several posts brought me to tears - you seem to know me much better than I know myself.

I'm the one in the family that seems to always "take charge". So looking back I see now how I treated each loss as a responsibility; to take care of the arrangements, making sure everyone else was ok, basically tucking my feelings away so they can't hurt me. (sounds awful in black and white but it's a defense mechanism from a not great childhood)

Your kindness has given me a lot to think about and you've given me permission to just chill, which I've never given myself.

It's funny, I don't know a single person on this forum personally, but I feel safe sharing and I am immensely grateful for that you're here.

Ah, beautiful.

Your post brought a little tear to my eye, too.

 

[panacea]

I'd suggest you sit down and reflect on what you'd like to try next. Easier said than done? Just before I retired I completed Zelinski's Get-A-Life Tree exercise. It didn't take that long once I focused and it was very helpful, gave me that final confidence to retire. And I have used it to build my next chapter. Zelinski's challenge is to come up with 50 branches off the four main branches (see below). I highly recommend the exercise, you can get the details in Zelinski's book (The Joy Of Not Working) at your library - it's only about 6 pages to read, and there's a list that will help you think about possibilities.

And finally FWIW. DW and I have had dogs, two at a time, our entire married life. The last one passed away a few years ago, and we've consciously been without to enable travel and boating. But I think we know we're happier with dogs in our lives, and the trade hasn't been worth it for us. I think we need dogs in our lives to be happier.

Midpack- thanks for the tip on the book. Just ordered it from Amazon and will arrive tomorrow. We're anywhere from 3-5 years from FIRE (the target date has been moved up a couple times) and the closer we get the more anxious I am about what that will be like. We've planned so much for retirement that I think it could be pretty devastating if we pull the trigger and then not know what to do with ourselves.

By the way, your thoughts regarding dogs in retirement is also very interesting. We have a small dog that we love but can certainly make things a bit difficult if we want to be spontaneous. I always say that once he's gone we won't get another dog because we won't want to be tied down in retirement... especially while we're young and healthy enough to travel, etc. But I can see how there would be something missing without that cute little fur-ball running around the house.