Long-time lurker, first-time poster here. Somehow, through several relationships that weren't quite "it", I've ended up over 30 without getting married in an area where that's not the norm. Over the past year or two, I've gotten into the FIRE thing and LBYM. Changed my priorities and outlook on life quite a bit. I've always been into my career, tend to be ambitious and goal oriented.
When I was young I always thought I would get married and have a family. I grew up in a typical nuclear family. But, now having watched many of my friends' and peers marriages crash and burn and thinking in the big picture terms of FIRE and LBYM, I'm questioning whether marriage is even a good idea.
Part of me holds out hope that it is (because I like being in relationships), but only with the right partner, one who is financially healthy, self-sustaining, also has LBYM and FIRE goals. But, it seems adding those financial criteria on the "must have" list has narrowed the dating pool to an unrealistically/impossibly small size.
For some reason I'm good at finding girls who are financially upside-down. I haven't ever dated a single one that has been in good financial shape, let alone having actual financial goals or plans. Not painting with a wide brush here, this is my experience in the dating world with 25-35 year old women in my area. All have been able to just barely survive, paycheck to paycheck. A couple have seemed like they have their stuff together for a while, but both just had huge consumer debt I didn't find out about for months. I've seen it all, huge credit card debt, living off of alimony, pay day loans, title loans, living on credit or overdraft, living beyond means, near bankruptcy, etc. The worst is that none of them have had the ambition to actually change their situation. None of them have liked or been proud of these situations, but coincidentally, none of them have had the ambition or fortitude to actually take action to really change their situations either. Whatever gets them by. It kind of seems the good ones get snatched up when they are young around here. It seems like there is a bit of entitlement going on around here, like they expect their partner to come along and fix it for them, provide for them, like it's their responsibility.
I'm hesitate to screen girls by financial criteria because finding some who a) I'm attracted to and b) I get along well with is hard enough. Maybe it's the demographics of the area, maybe it's me, I don't know, maybe both. I can find ones I'm attracted to, and like, but they seem to never be career oriented. I have found a few who are ambitious and career-oriented, but in my experience, they tend to be overbearing and domineering, which is not attractive to me (I'm sure they aren't all like that, but it's my experience, in my industry).
I am feeling strongly these days, looking at my life through the lens of FIRE (which is still probably 15 years away for me), that bringing someone into my life who has a negative financial impact (say, brings lots of debt, or has little earning capacity, or doesn't have the ambition to change either or both of those things, or won't ever be able to contribute to retirement), is a bad idea, regardless of how good the relationship is.
Part of me wonders if I'm being stupid about it. It feels like I'm choosing money over love. Say, I find someone who I get along with well, is attractive, and would be a great relationship partner, but is a financial mess. Do I walk away because of money?
In an ideal world, I could have it all: a great relationship partner, who is attractive to me, is smart, and financially going somewhere. But I'm telling you, I haven't found all of those things in one person, and I feel like I have to choose.
It seems like a lot of people on the forum are dealing with FIRE and all of this in marriage-years, after the choice of partner is already made, and you have a stable home life. Your partner is your partner, and you adjust your lifestyle and goals accordingly if you're on a path together. But what if you had to do it all over again?
When I was young I always thought I would get married and have a family. I grew up in a typical nuclear family. But, now having watched many of my friends' and peers marriages crash and burn and thinking in the big picture terms of FIRE and LBYM, I'm questioning whether marriage is even a good idea.
Part of me holds out hope that it is (because I like being in relationships), but only with the right partner, one who is financially healthy, self-sustaining, also has LBYM and FIRE goals. But, it seems adding those financial criteria on the "must have" list has narrowed the dating pool to an unrealistically/impossibly small size.
For some reason I'm good at finding girls who are financially upside-down. I haven't ever dated a single one that has been in good financial shape, let alone having actual financial goals or plans. Not painting with a wide brush here, this is my experience in the dating world with 25-35 year old women in my area. All have been able to just barely survive, paycheck to paycheck. A couple have seemed like they have their stuff together for a while, but both just had huge consumer debt I didn't find out about for months. I've seen it all, huge credit card debt, living off of alimony, pay day loans, title loans, living on credit or overdraft, living beyond means, near bankruptcy, etc. The worst is that none of them have had the ambition to actually change their situation. None of them have liked or been proud of these situations, but coincidentally, none of them have had the ambition or fortitude to actually take action to really change their situations either. Whatever gets them by. It kind of seems the good ones get snatched up when they are young around here. It seems like there is a bit of entitlement going on around here, like they expect their partner to come along and fix it for them, provide for them, like it's their responsibility.
I'm hesitate to screen girls by financial criteria because finding some who a) I'm attracted to and b) I get along well with is hard enough. Maybe it's the demographics of the area, maybe it's me, I don't know, maybe both. I can find ones I'm attracted to, and like, but they seem to never be career oriented. I have found a few who are ambitious and career-oriented, but in my experience, they tend to be overbearing and domineering, which is not attractive to me (I'm sure they aren't all like that, but it's my experience, in my industry).
I am feeling strongly these days, looking at my life through the lens of FIRE (which is still probably 15 years away for me), that bringing someone into my life who has a negative financial impact (say, brings lots of debt, or has little earning capacity, or doesn't have the ambition to change either or both of those things, or won't ever be able to contribute to retirement), is a bad idea, regardless of how good the relationship is.
Part of me wonders if I'm being stupid about it. It feels like I'm choosing money over love. Say, I find someone who I get along with well, is attractive, and would be a great relationship partner, but is a financial mess. Do I walk away because of money?
In an ideal world, I could have it all: a great relationship partner, who is attractive to me, is smart, and financially going somewhere. But I'm telling you, I haven't found all of those things in one person, and I feel like I have to choose.
It seems like a lot of people on the forum are dealing with FIRE and all of this in marriage-years, after the choice of partner is already made, and you have a stable home life. Your partner is your partner, and you adjust your lifestyle and goals accordingly if you're on a path together. But what if you had to do it all over again?
- Though the eighties were kind of turbulent I wouldnt trade my marriage for anything.
