Live in the Moment?

[Khan]

I just keep thinking about grabbing my lower lip and pulling it over my forehead...

"Pushing a piano through a transom."

 

[haha]

This is such an interesting thread. I want to put in a plug for teenagers. They get a bad rap, but IMO they are generally more honest and at least as entertaining as adults.

I have never had to deal with teenage girls, except as dates when I was a teenager myself. But I have a fair amount of experience with young men. I was a YMCA junior high age boys' group leader in a nastly ghetto in a tough northeastern city, and I saw a lot to like with these guys.

My own teenage boys were fun most of the time. I never felt manipulated or disrespected. My former FIL was a career army officer with WW2 and Korea as longterm combat missions in the airborne/aircav. He knew his young men, and he respected them all the way.

I think that those who want and like children know how they feel, and how deep the feeling is. Equally, those who don't like and don't want children know how they feel. I am glad for both groups, and glad for the children that they did or did not have, respectively.

Ha

 

[freebird5825]

I thought about having kids at one point when I turned 30, very briefly in an insane moment.
Then reality kicked in. I think I heard too many graphic stories at baby showers from the older gals one-upping each other on how much pain they went through and all sorts of "procedures".
I enjoy interacting with good kids, and I'm the first one to hunker down and make a sandcastle or fly kites or play with Legos with OPC (other people's children). I truly detest being near bratty or whiny kids and immediately walk away.

 

[Milton]

"It's a joy you'll never know"
"You'll never think you are ready, you just have to do it"
"But you would be such a good mother!"

One could make the same non-arguments for virtually any life-experience: e.g., mountain climbing, owning a Dalmation, learning to fly helicopters, living abroad, becoming an ordained minister, serving in the military, etc. etc. But none of those activities are right for all people.

"Being able to do those other things will seem so unimportant once you have children."

Perhaps. Or maybe you will retain your dreams and simply become frustrated, bitter, resentful and unhappy. I suspect that you are able to predict your own reaction rather better than other people are.

"Don't you worry about being old and alone someday?"

This argument doesn't impress me at all. Perhaps it still holds true in some cultures, but in North America society the odds are high that one's adult children will move far away and/or be so busy in their own lives that they will have little time to spend with an aged parent.

The best safeguard against loneliness is to be the sort of person that people (family, friends) enjoy spending time with. Merely having a child is no guarantee that one will never be old and alone: any more than getting married is.

 

[SciFiFan53]

Seems this thread has taken several twists and turns since the OP. After reading some of them, here are some of my takes on life and living in the moment - along with some of the side topics that were brought up.
First - Having kids/not having kids and married/single are very personal decisions. We always told our kids that it was better to stay single or wait a long time for the right person, because living with the wrong one was WAY worse and had many more long term consequences. As far as having kids, I have seen many people in both situations happy, and many miserable. I think alot of it has to do with how much time and energy you are willing to put into your family. I will say that having kids often keeps you in the moment - but sometimes you may not enjoy it!
Second - I read the following general observation somewhere. Young children live in the moment, teens through adults live in the future, and old people live in the past (although maybe for those with Aldzheimer's live in the present as well!!). From what I've seen, this seems to be generally true, maybe out of necessity. After all, if no one "lived in the future" there would be total chaos (no planning, no preparations, etc).
Third - I think sometimes we confuse enjoyment and living in the moment with emotional highs or ecstasy. Focusing too much on happiness will almost always produce the opposite. Just read a quote recently something to the effect that happiness is never found when it is the only goal in life. It almost always results from having a purpose in life - and pursuing that purpose. It's my belief that someone totally focused on themselves is miserable and lonely, and that won't change until the focus changes.
Just my observations - no data or research.

 

[Moemg]

So for all of you that do not want children how will you handle your parents when they turn into the children you never had ? My Mom was just here for a week and it was exactly like having a four year old again without the ability to call time outs .

 

[ziggy29]

So for all of you that do not want children how will you handle your parents when they turn into the children you never had ? My Mom was just here for a week and it was exactly like having a four year old again without the ability to call time outs .

Not sure how one anecdotal data point produces a trend here...

 

[Sarah in SC]

So for all of you that do not want children how will you handle your parents when they turn into the children you never had ? My Mom was just here for a week and it was exactly like having a four year old again without the ability to call time outs .

I sincerely hope that my parents will forget where I live by the time they need me to care for them.

Seriously, this is the only sucky thing about us not having squallers of our own--that my sibs will conclude that we've got the money and time to care for my very crotchety parental units.

I dread it, but I have proven myself to be such an unempathetic and cold-natured caregiver that they may dread it worse even than I do.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Fortunately my parents passed away before my children were born (someone actually did tell me how lucky I was when my father died at 55 because "now you don't have to take care of him when he gets old").

 

[ziggy29]

(someone actually did tell me how lucky I was when my father died at 55 because "now you don't have to take care of him when he gets old").

Honestly, some people....

 

[Moemg]

Fortunately my parents passed away before my children were born (someone actually did tell me how lucky I was when my father died at 55 because "now you don't have to take care of him when he gets old").

No one is lucky to lose their parents not matter what age they are . My Dad has been gone for thirty years and I still miss him .

 

[bbbamI]

So for all of you that do not want children how will you handle your parents when they turn into the children you never had ? My Mom was just here for a week and it was exactly like having a four year old again without the ability to call time outs .

Love and patience works for me. (then grinding my teeth in another room)

 

[Moemg]

Love and patience works for me. (then grinding my teeth in another room)

That and sipping wine !

 

[Milton]

So for all of you that do not want children how will you handle your parents when they turn into the children you never had ? My Mom was just here for a week and it was exactly like having a four year old again without the ability to call time outs .

Sorry to hear of the difficulties with your Mom; but I am not sure that having children would make such situations any better.

 

[WhoDaresWins]

No one is lucky to lose their parents not matter what age they are . My Dad has been gone for thirty years and I still miss him .

Me, too. My Mom died in 1976 and my Dad in 1982. I missed having them terribly all through my life and I still do. They were great people and I smile when I relive moments with them. Dad was great for all his "sayings", and I find myself saying some of the same things at times. They were wonderful role models. I feel that I fall short in so many ways when I compare myself to them.

 

[Khan]

So for all of you that do not want children how will you handle your parents when they turn into the children you never had ? My Mom was just here for a week and it was exactly like having a four year old again without the ability to call time outs .

Since none of them want to communicate with me, they can work it out amongst themselves.

 

[Moemg]

Sorry for veering off topic it was just a random thought ! Carry on !

 

[citrine]

I vacillitate between getting married/having children and staying single /having a couple of cats/ just dating.
As for my parents, they are a lot more bearable now and I am enjoying getting to know them.
As for being in the moment.....I try and find beauty in everything on a daily basis and most of my day is spent being present.....I cannot multi-task while giving a massage!

 

[GoodSense]

Second - I read the following general observation somewhere. Young children live in the moment, teens through adults live in the future, and old people live in the past (although maybe for those with Aldzheimer's live in the present as well!!). From what I've seen, this seems to be generally true, maybe out of necessity. After all, if no one "lived in the future" there would be total chaos (no planning, no preparations, etc).
Third - I think sometimes we confuse enjoyment and living in the moment with emotional highs or ecstasy. Focusing too much on happiness will almost always produce the opposite. Just read a quote recently something to the effect that happiness is never found when it is the only goal in life. It almost always results from having a purpose in life - and pursuing that purpose. It's my belief that someone totally focused on themselves is miserable and lonely, and that won't change until the focus changes.
Just my observations - no data or research.

Great points!

The Founding Fathers were wise men, but they might have been wrong to list "pursuit of happiness" as one of the essential rights. I agree that if what is pursued is happiness itself, it's usually unachievable.

 

[Meadbh]

The best safeguard against loneliness is to be the sort of person that people (family, friends) enjoy spending time with. Merely having a child is no guarantee that one will never be old and alone: any more than getting married is.

Agree! The case for marrying is particularly non-applicable for women, who are more likely to be widowed than men anyway.

 

[FUEGO]

The best safeguard against loneliness is to be the sort of person that people (family, friends) enjoy spending time with. Merely having a child is no guarantee that one will never be old and alone: any more than getting married is.

Excellent bit of wisdom. Thanks!

 

[Jay_Gatsby]

Great points!

The Founding Fathers were wise men, but they might have been wrong to list "pursuit of happiness" as one of the essential rights. I agree that if what is pursued is happiness itself, it's usually unachievable.

I don't think they got it wrong at all. You have the right to pursue happiness. No one said you were guaranteed to achieve it.

 

[accountingsucks]

I have the same problem overanalyzing little expenses, however these do indeed add up. Recently I was going to get a better cell phone, join a gym and get more channels on cable. Well at 20 + 50 + 10 each per month that works out to another grand per year out of my pocket which works out to needing another 25K at the 25X multiple. I think really scrutinizing monthly expenses are very important, but I'm trying not to sweat small non recurring things that may come up from time to time. As such I've determined to set up a mental montly "slush" fund of $100 for things I'm not going to waste my energy worrying about.

 

[WhoDaresWins]

I think the happiest people are those who maintain peer friendships and have some interest or interests that they pursue regularly. Yeah, and definitely, don't sweat the small stuff.

 

[Jay_Gatsby]

Me, too. My Mom died in 1976 and my Dad in 1982. I missed having them terribly all through my life and I still do. They were great people and I smile when I relive moments with them. Dad was great for all his "sayings", and I find myself saying some of the same things at times. They were wonderful role models. I feel that I fall short in so many ways when I compare myself to them.

You might appreciate this guy's dad (apologies for the foul language):

Justin (sh**mydadsays) on Twitter