Live in the Moment?

[ziggy29]

I've gotten these before, but the best one was when someone told me I was selfish for not having kids! That one really burned--the nerve!

I think the world is too screwed up -- and getting more screwed up -- to bring someone else into it.

Also, we have 6.5 billion people on Earth and we are looking at the potential for increasing contention for limited natural resources. It won't surprise me if WW3, when/if it occurs, is fought over the control of finite natural resources. I personally feel no need to bring someone else into that.

Underpopulation is the least of the world's concerns.

 

[IndependentlyPoor]

I never thought of it before, but this might well be another example of the double standard. Folks don't ask me why they aren't fathers, but women get the ugly questioning.

Sorry gals, this just might be another thing (in a long list) of unpleasant things you have to deal with.

I for one have been horrified (and that is not an exaggeration) at the though of being a parent since I was a teenager. The worry and responsibility would crush me. I have seen too many instances of good parental intentions backfiring with tragic results. Somebody's gotta do it, but given the world's population growth rate, I don't feel guilty one bit about putting an end to my genetic line. I do believe in Hillary's "it takes a village", and only gripe a little about subsidizing everyone else's children through school tax, income tax breaks, and absurdly advantageous family insurance rates. I just ask that families respect my contribution as a single, contributing member of society.

Gosh I am being opinioned thses days. If the moderators want to take this down, I won't complain.

 

[CuppaJoe]

... I just ask that families respect my contribution as a single, contributing member of society.

....

I remember dad saying that single people contribute nothing to society but I didn’t buy it. Sad thing was he had four sisters who never married and I'm sure they knew of that attitude. At least one of them turned down a bad proposal and our entire family attended her former boyfriend’s wedding to someone else when I was about 4. I watched that marriage deteriorate over the years. They stayed together until the DW died in her early 60s. How should we count their contribution to society in raising two children in their very bad marriage?

 

[Meadbh]

I've gotten these before, but the best one was when someone told me I was selfish for not having kids! That one really burned--the nerve!

I used to get that a lot. I never understood the logic.

I am less than nurturing and that I probably wouldn't be all that great with kids after all.

Ditto here. I enjoy delivering medical care to infants, but I wouldn't want to come home to them!

 

[Walt34]

I didn't want kids because I was afraid I'd get one like me. For the life of me I don't know why my poor mother didn't strangle me.

Commiserating with a neighbor who had two active boys, the neighbor said "The Lord made 'em cute so you wouldn't drown 'em".

 

[Sea Kayaker]

I'm 37, and the DW (37 also) and I have pretty much decided we aren't going to have kids. Upsets my mom a bit - she says I would make a great father... and I probably would. But having just been married earlier this year to a woman I had been waiting my whole life for, I feel its just too late now. I'm there will be questions and regrets down the line... but so be it.

The positive aspect is obviously the gobs of money we are going to save... when people ask me about not having kids, I respond by saying that I should be able to retire while I'm still in my 40's. That ends the questions real fast.

 

[bbbamI]

DH and I decided a year after we got married (in 1978) that we did not want to have children. I got plenty of remarks made to me about non procreation, but I just ignored them. Seems as if I've always bucked the system in regards to what I should/should not do.

 

[Bestwifeever]

At least half of our friends decided not to have children when they got married. Most are still married to the same persons and virtually all seem to not regret that decision in the least. Nice that contraceptive measures could ensure that decision for them.

 

[BunsGettingFirm]

I think the world is too screwed up -- and getting more screwed up -- to bring someone else into it.

Also, we have 6.5 billion people on Earth and we are looking at the potential for increasing contention for limited natural resources. It won't surprise me if WW3, when/if it occurs, is fought over the control of finite natural resources. I personally feel no need to bring someone else into that.

Underpopulation is the least of the world's concerns.

Not an unrealistic assumption. I don't remember many Tom Clancy quotable quotes, but he did say, "War is robbery writ large."

So what do you think the resource fought over will be, oil or water?

 

[michelle]

I thought for most of my life I didn't want them, but decided late that we did. I used to get together with career-minded girlfriends and trade comments similar to what I have read above....world overpopulated, I don't want a kid to turn out like me, I don't want to work forever, I like my freedom, kids are annoying (ok I put that one in, but that's what I thought before having kids). Now we have two little ones, cute as buttons and not a single bit annoying! (well, most of the time, anyway).

It was all true for us....activities we did before with our time don't concern us much now; life has more meaning; I am a better person...I feel more fulfilled and like I have more purpose; DH and I have never been closer; In retrospect, I was just going through the motions of life, now I live a much more satisfying, fuller life; I can't wait to get home and play with them every day! Definitely the right decision for us, but seemingly not meant for everyone.

I have lots in life to give me fulfillment no less. As a surgeon, I get the opportunity to literally save people's lives (with the help of my entire healthcare team of course). DH and I have travelled around the world, volunteered in third world countries, lived luxuriously when we choose, eaten well, partied hard, and laughed with friends until our bellies hurt. Still no experience in my life compares to richness, fulfillment, and satisfaction of raising our children.

Not for everyone, to be sure. The good thing is that if one is already happy with their life as it is, they will presumably continue to be happy for the same reasons for the rest of their lives. They would never know the difference with children. So it really is a win-win decision.

 

[FIREd]

DW and I don't have children and don't want any. All the nagging in the world won't change that. I think that our families pretty much gave up on trying to "convert" us.

We have been called selfish, we have been told that our marriage was a sham (because for some people apparently the only purpose of marriage is to procreate, therefore no kids = not a real marriage), we have been pressured by our parents with MIL counting down how many eggs DW potentially had left before menopause, etc... It has been ugly sometime. But not unexpected. While we have been more than patient with family and friends, we usually snapped right back at strangers offering their unwelcome opinion.

 

[bbbamI]

Oh c'mon FD...they just want you to experience the [-]misery[/-] pleasure they have experienced with their children.......



btw...before someone jumps all over me...

Kudos to people that want/have children...

Kudos to people that elect not to have children...

 

[FIREd]

Oh c'mon FD...they just want you to experience the [-]misery[/-] pleasure they have experienced with their children.......

Obviously I am in no position to judge whether raising kids is a miserable or pleasurable experience. But, as a teenager, I spent many summers working with kids as a summer camp instructor and I was once an elementary school teacher, so unlike many new parents, I have some idea what it takes .

The only thing I know is that this is our choice and I want people to respect it.

 

[Bestwifeever]

The theme of this thread is living in the moment, and some people find having children helps them do this. But that should be tangential to being a parent, not a reason to have them. There are much easier ways to live in the moment. I have an immature relative who said having her child "saved her life." My feeling is that is a huge burden to put on that child....

 

[Sarah in SC]

Yep, I'm so glad it made life worth living for some folks to have them younguns and all, but for me, my life was already worth living, so hey, to each his or her own.

Firedreamer, I used to have to give tours to busloads of kids, and hell itself could not have been hotter. My existential nightmare would be to be trapped in a kindergarten classroom. Argggghhhhh!

 

[michelle]

Firedreamer, I used to have to give tours to busloads of kids, and hell itself could not have been hotter. My existential nightmare would be to be trapped in a kindergarten classroom. Argggghhhhh!

No doubt. I worked as a "camp counsellor" in my teenage years looking after 6-8 year olds. I don't think I could muster the energy or patience for that ever again.

 

[FIREd]

Firedreamer, I used to have to give tours to busloads of kids, and hell itself could not have been hotter. My existential nightmare would be to be trapped in a kindergarten classroom. Argggghhhhh!

For 6 years, I spent my summer supervising 70-80 kids age 5-7 (I was head instructor for that age group). The field trips were actually my favorite part. But yeah, I was glad when the summer was over! I sometimes get flash backs when I babysit my 5 year old niece. I feel mentally exhausted after entertaining her for just a few hours.

 

[WhoDaresWins]

For 6 years, I spent my summer supervising 70-80 kids age 5-7 (I was head instructor for that age group). The field trips were actually my favorite part. But yeah, I was glad when the summer was over! I sometimes get flash backs when I babysit my 5 year old niece. I feel mentally exhausted after entertaining her for just a few hours.

When my son was born almost 27 years ago, I had all these lofty notions about having to fill time with him in educational ways, always giving him my undying attention. That notion bit the dust quickly. He learned to entertain himself, went to pre-school at 4 to give me a break, let him watch lots of cartoons and eat candy(things I said no child of mine would EVER do). He is pretty well adjusted and very independent now. And, interestingly, doesn't own a TV and is a health food type of guy. I think he always knew we loved him, would do anything for him and that we did the best we could.

 

[FIREd]

When my son was born almost 27 years ago, I had all these lofty notions about having to fill time with him in educational ways, always giving him my undying attention. That notion bit the dust quickly. He learned to entertain himself, went to pre-school at 4 to give me a break, let him watch lots of cartoons and eat candy(things I said no child of mine would EVER do). He is pretty well adjusted and very independent now. And, interestingly, doesn't own a TV and is a health food type of guy. I think he always knew we loved him, would do anything for him and that we did the best we could.

Unfortunately that's not how my niece is being brought up. She doesn't know how to entertain herself and needs to be the center of attention. Her parents perpetuate that behavior IMO but there is not much I can do about it.

 

[michelle]

The theme of this thread is living in the moment, and some people find having children helps them do this. But that should be tangential to being a parent, not a reason to have them. There are much easier ways to live in the moment. I have an immature relative who said having her child "saved her life." My feeling is that is a huge burden to put on that child....

Agreed. To clarify, I did feel like I was living in the moment/maximizing my life experience before children (b.c.), it is only in retrospect that it seemed more like I was "going through the motions" compared to after I had them. Probably just my perspective, possibly some confounders at play (more financially stable now, don't have to study as much, don't have to do as much call), and maybe even an element of confirmation bias (we are all guilty at times). Also, the nature and demeanour of the children can make a big difference. Some children are hellians from the moment the cord is tied...not so far with mine. Regardless, just the way it was for me, and not meant to be considered as an insight into anyone else's life.

Yep, I'm so glad it made life worth living for some folks to have them younguns and all, but for me, my life was already worth living, so hey, to each his or her own

Again, to clarify, life was very good before having children. With children life is also very good...but in a different way. It is difficult to explain, so I will cease trying.

 

[Moemg]

Different strokes for different folks ! My children are the light in my life . I can not imagine life without them . Sure it was hard , I was a divorced single mother for years but I never ever regretted having them . I would never talk someone into having a child that is too much of a personal decision .

 

[Khan]

Just to throw in my 2¢:

Don't like children, didn't like them when I was one, never wanted them, never had them.

Grateful to live in a place and time where I could be able to not have them.

 

[traineeinvestor]

One plus about having children is that there will always be someone there to pick a resthome for me when I am too far gone to do so myself.....

 

[bbbamI]

I just keep thinking about grabbing my lower lip and pulling it over my forehead...

 

[Bestwifeever]

....Some children are hellians from the moment the cord is tied...not so far with mine. Regardless, just the way it was for me, and not meant to be considered as an insight into anyone else's life.



Again, to clarify, life was very good before having children. With children life is also very good...but in a different way. It is difficult to explain, so I will cease trying.

You have soooo much to look forward to--enjoy these easy years.