Need tips for training my spouse.
- Thread starter azanon
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bow-tie
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Peter76 said:
I did. Well, for the most part anyway. We would talk about spending, goals, and whatnot. But we also dated for quite a while (yearssss) before marriage, so we were pretty familiar with each other's philosophies, etc.
That being said, and since I'm a guy, I can't really fault Azanon's logic for marriage either.
WanderALot
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Peter76 said:
She had a little bit of debt and I talked to her about it. She had every dime of it paid off except for a little bit of student loan debt which was very cheap.
She does spend more than me but she has changed a lot since we first started dating. I really think that this was a case of meeting in the middle. I tend to be a little bit of a cheapskate and she was too much of a spendthrift.
BTW, Azanon, my wife buys $10/lb cheese. I used to complain about it, but then I realize I loved the stuff so I stopped!
haha
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
WanderALot said:BTW, Azanon, my wife buys $10/lb cheese. I used to complain about it, but then I realize I loved the stuff so I stopped!
That is how I see it too. When I had a live-in wife, she did most of our cooking. If I complained, she said "Old Texas Rule, whoever complains to the cook becomes the cook.' So I shut up. I hated her stir fry technique, so I would volunteer to cook that. She didn't like my technique either, but she did enjoy having someone else do the work.
Same with shopping. If you don't like what she buys, go get a months supply of whatever you like. If she doesn't like this, negotiations will take place.
haha
I think you're right on this and this goes for a lot of the things she does. If i keep complaining, i might end up with extra jobs.
I do have one upper hand so far; that is that my savings method has been paying ourselves upfront creating an "artifical shortage" of money. Even she, at some point, has to look at the checkbook and can see that the money just isnt there so that does slow down her spending some. As long as she doesnt bounce a check (which is unlikely since i pay bills online and schedule the transations to occur the day they're due, despite entering the transations immediately in the checkbook), then i'll continue to save what i want and we'll make progress.
Eventually, she might revolt though against me and get tired of us being out of money all the time and might want to renegotiate how much i'm taking out upfront.
I did the grocery run last night. As usual, I came home with about the same amount of food, only difference being the receipt showed $40 dollars less in cost.
chris2008
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
This one might be good reading for you:
http://moneycentral.msn.com/content/CollegeandFamily/Loveandmoney/P68955.asp:
" 9 ways to rein in a spendthrift spouse -
Nothing complicates money like love. You can change your free-spending partner's ways -- and do it without landing in a lawyer's office."
Good luck!
http://moneycentral.msn.com/content/CollegeandFamily/Loveandmoney/P68955.asp:
" 9 ways to rein in a spendthrift spouse -
Nothing complicates money like love. You can change your free-spending partner's ways -- and do it without landing in a lawyer's office."
Good luck!
SteveR
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Took the wife to the hospital yesterday for a procedure that took a couple of hours. In the waiting room was a TV with the Dr. Phil program. OK, I know, I don't ever watch that stuff but all the good magazines were in use or I had already read so I think...so what.. see what the guy has to say.
Well, the topic was "Compulsive Hoarding". There were three couples on the show and they filmed (taped) each of them at home with their various hoarding issues.
Couple #1:
The guy collects and hoards GI Joe, Star Wars etc. figures, equipment and video games (over 3000 of them) . He has a whole room dedicated to this . He spends 5-6 hours a night on Ebay searching for this stuff and several hundred bucks a night supporting his habit. The wife is about to leave him. He is addicted to hoarding. Dr. Phil tells them that he is wasting all this money and time on his habit when savings for college and retirement are not being considered. He is very sorry and promises to do better.
Couple #2:
Wife has a major spending/hoarding issue. The house if stuffed full. I mean you cannot even walk throgh it. The 3 car garage is stuffed and no cars will fit. She says she resents her husband making her account for every dime. (She does not work and he now has three jobs to be able to make only the minimums the credit cards. She does not seem to see she is killing the marriage and her comments about doing better end with "But, I want money of my own that he does not know about..." Glad she is not my wife. Been there, done that, have the scars to show it.
Couple #3:
This one is not really about hoarding but about one spouse being a clean freak (husband) and the wife being a pack rat and slob. I give the marrage 6 months. These two are at opposite ends of the spectrum. Been there, done that too. Compromise is the key to survival.
In the end... all couples will go to a shrink and they will make it all better. :
There people will never ER nor will they ever be FI. Unless they have a major personality transplant the marriges will me a nightmare and will most likely fail.
Give your frugal, budget-minded, financially savy, loving spouse (or SO) a great big hug.
Well, the topic was "Compulsive Hoarding". There were three couples on the show and they filmed (taped) each of them at home with their various hoarding issues.
Couple #1:
The guy collects and hoards GI Joe, Star Wars etc. figures, equipment and video games (over 3000 of them) . He has a whole room dedicated to this . He spends 5-6 hours a night on Ebay searching for this stuff and several hundred bucks a night supporting his habit. The wife is about to leave him. He is addicted to hoarding. Dr. Phil tells them that he is wasting all this money and time on his habit when savings for college and retirement are not being considered. He is very sorry and promises to do better.
Couple #2:
Wife has a major spending/hoarding issue. The house if stuffed full. I mean you cannot even walk throgh it. The 3 car garage is stuffed and no cars will fit. She says she resents her husband making her account for every dime. (She does not work and he now has three jobs to be able to make only the minimums the credit cards. She does not seem to see she is killing the marriage and her comments about doing better end with "But, I want money of my own that he does not know about..." Glad she is not my wife. Been there, done that, have the scars to show it.
Couple #3:
This one is not really about hoarding but about one spouse being a clean freak (husband) and the wife being a pack rat and slob. I give the marrage 6 months. These two are at opposite ends of the spectrum. Been there, done that too. Compromise is the key to survival.
In the end... all couples will go to a shrink and they will make it all better. :
There people will never ER nor will they ever be FI. Unless they have a major personality transplant the marriges will me a nightmare and will most likely fail.
Give your frugal, budget-minded, financially savy, loving spouse (or SO) a great big hug.
What's with the Cheezy Cheese?
Just an observation Azanon, but you seemed a bit preoccupied with the cost of food. As my late brother often commented, "Ya gotta eat". The fact that "you" can shop at the same grocery and spend less dollars just shouldn't be nearly as important as you make it seem.
The concept of you freaking out over some cheese that was in your DW's eyes "high quality" and what you asked for, by ranting that is was "too good" , i.e. too expensive like she should know your exact threshold for what good cheese should cost does IMHO express some eccentricity on your part. Cut the woman a break, assuming the cheese was tasty...
Ask yourself, was there something wrong with the food she brought home last grocery visit? Or just that you are certain you can always buy the exact same food for somehow less dollars?
Ultimately you are on the path to enlightenment by your own description. You pay yourself first.
Why sweat the small stuff?
Just an observation Azanon, but you seemed a bit preoccupied with the cost of food. As my late brother often commented, "Ya gotta eat". The fact that "you" can shop at the same grocery and spend less dollars just shouldn't be nearly as important as you make it seem.
The concept of you freaking out over some cheese that was in your DW's eyes "high quality" and what you asked for, by ranting that is was "too good" , i.e. too expensive like she should know your exact threshold for what good cheese should cost does IMHO express some eccentricity on your part. Cut the woman a break, assuming the cheese was tasty...
Ask yourself, was there something wrong with the food she brought home last grocery visit? Or just that you are certain you can always buy the exact same food for somehow less dollars?
Ultimately you are on the path to enlightenment by your own description. You pay yourself first.
Why sweat the small stuff?
My wife and I have a system we've followed for all the years we've been married.
She does all the shopping, and all the cooking.
I rarely fail to compliment her on her efforts.
In turn, she never complains about the amount of golfing, or fly-fishing I do.
We're actually specialists.
She does all the shopping, and all the cooking.
I rarely fail to compliment her on her efforts.
In turn, she never complains about the amount of golfing, or fly-fishing I do.
We're actually specialists.
Hi
In our situation, I was pushing for savings. She agreed to save the left overs. Well there were no left overs. We tried various things from making a budget to automatic savings. The automatic saving didn't work becuase we just felt poor all the time.
What is working now is pulling out money over the budget and putting it in a seperate account. This can be tapped if we run out so we haven't put ourselves against a big wall. But we rarely touch it. It is like blocked off. We have personal money budgeted. This made a big difference. I use mine for the gym and lunch. She uses hers for ... well I am not exactly sure but that is her business.
Some other things
We use cash for everything no checks no credit cards (except for amazon). Without credit cards everything became simpler and easier.
How we structured the physical place of the money made a big difference even though it is just mental games.
Structuring the situation as her problem got me nowhere and she was not the only one with a problem.
It took time to change our habits. But she has bought into the savings thing. Now we are both on the same page and we are chugging along now. Looks like we will save 5000 over what we budgeted for this year.
Mike
In our situation, I was pushing for savings. She agreed to save the left overs. Well there were no left overs. We tried various things from making a budget to automatic savings. The automatic saving didn't work becuase we just felt poor all the time.
What is working now is pulling out money over the budget and putting it in a seperate account. This can be tapped if we run out so we haven't put ourselves against a big wall. But we rarely touch it. It is like blocked off. We have personal money budgeted. This made a big difference. I use mine for the gym and lunch. She uses hers for ... well I am not exactly sure but that is her business.
Some other things
We use cash for everything no checks no credit cards (except for amazon). Without credit cards everything became simpler and easier.
How we structured the physical place of the money made a big difference even though it is just mental games.
Structuring the situation as her problem got me nowhere and she was not the only one with a problem.
It took time to change our habits. But she has bought into the savings thing. Now we are both on the same page and we are chugging along now. Looks like we will save 5000 over what we budgeted for this year.
Mike
haha
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
mikew said:
Congratulations, Mike. Your comment that it is easier to spend less when using cash apparently has been proven again and again. It just hurts more to watch those pretty green bills going out than to slide that card.
ha
Johnnym - the cheese was just a minute example. Holistically, i can buy a week's worth of grocerys for about 80 bucks, she does so for about 120. So, yeah i know, if i dont like it, then i should buy the groceries. I agree with that.
But it is more than just that; she just isnt to the point where she's strategizing with me about how to buy the things we need for less, or deciding if we can do without them alltogether.
>I agree that if you pay for things with cash, it might cut back on the spending from a psychological standpoint. This is one of Dave Ramsey's big things. Unfortunately, cash and checks are virtually archaic to me. I remember seeing a gal in front of me writing a check for her groceries, and i was tempted to make a smart ass comment "People still use those?".
Anyway, i'm all electronic, I use credit/debit cards , i buy most of the things i need online (except groceries), i bank online, any/all investments i have are handled online. If i do go to the stores, i go through those fast checkouts whenever possible where you do it yourself and i use a credit card. Its just faster. BUT i'm in a savings mindset anyway, so the cash trick just isnt going to help me much more than i'm already doing.
But it is more than just that; she just isnt to the point where she's strategizing with me about how to buy the things we need for less, or deciding if we can do without them alltogether.
>I agree that if you pay for things with cash, it might cut back on the spending from a psychological standpoint. This is one of Dave Ramsey's big things. Unfortunately, cash and checks are virtually archaic to me. I remember seeing a gal in front of me writing a check for her groceries, and i was tempted to make a smart ass comment "People still use those?".
Anyway, i'm all electronic, I use credit/debit cards , i buy most of the things i need online (except groceries), i bank online, any/all investments i have are handled online. If i do go to the stores, i go through those fast checkouts whenever possible where you do it yourself and i use a credit card. Its just faster. BUT i'm in a savings mindset anyway, so the cash trick just isnt going to help me much more than i'm already doing.
Hey, you were in the Navy, you know I'm only a gentleman by an act of Congress. Ironically my spouse is also a gentleman by an act of Congress.Caroline said:
Well, that's one answer to one symptom. I guess I'm glad that I missed ten days of this thread.azanon said:
I think that the entire problem's solution lies in having a spouse whose goals are more closely matched to yours. Ideally that's the spouse you're married to now. "Training" won't do anything but raise the level of competition. OTOH finding something that she's willing to save for, even to put up with cheap cheese & brownbag lunches for, will get the two of you pulling at the same harness in the same direction. The challenge is figuring out how to have enough brainstorming discussions with her to discover what motivates her...
... but I've learned from watching Dr. Phil that you shouldn't go on that show without at least one hankie in your pocket.
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