Suggestions on how to avoid Family Thanksgiving dinner

[fisherman]

The disconnecting with a dysfunctional family thread gave me the idea to pose this questions as I suspect many other are or have dealt with this reoccurring torture.

Thanksgiving is about two months away but I am already dreading it. We live in the same town as my in laws and my Mom. My Dad died 17 years ago.

My sister has done me a great favor in that she and her family no longer come to my Moms for Thanksgiving dinner. This keeps one problem BIl out of the picture along with one overly emotional sister.

The above lead my MIL to decided to invite my Mom to their Thanksgiving dinner a couple of years ago. The first year it really help improve the situation as everyone tried to behave better with a stranger there. Last year that did not last and FIL, BIL, etc would not get off of politics no matter what. They are of the type that when GOD said let their be light they flipped the switch! Needless to say we do not share all the same opinions although the differences are more in approach and compassion than political parties.

I do not want to hurt DW and she was miserable last year also. The kids of course were oblivious. I have been trying to think of a way to avoid and not deal with it. IE Plan a trip get sick, etc.

I could use some sage advise!

 

[powerplay]

Make a plan, maybe you, DW, and kids could take your mom out for turkey day dinner. Or you could plan to be out of town and just express your regrets to the inlaws.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Ask Dawg about what meds he recommends

 

[bbbamI]

Sit at the kiddie table perhaps?

Yeah, I know it can be tough...been there, done that.

Maybe you could take your mom out for Thanksgiving dinner, then go by your in-laws for dessert. Eating pie doesn't take very long...

 

[kyounge1956]

Taking a trip sounds like a good idea to me if it won't bust the budget. Just make sure you go somewhere the weather will be nice. Once during my childhood my parents decided it would be fun to spend Thanksgiving at the cabin we used to rent in the summertime. It rained non-stop! That was the first and last Thanksgiving trip to Kip Cottage!

This year I have the opposite problem. My parents are the ones taking the trip in November and I have to decide whether to invite some friends to my house, angle for an invite to someone else's dinner or volunteer at the homeless shelter. And you're right—T-day will be here in no time.

 

[Gumby]

Fake a communicable disease?

 

[travelover]

The best Thanksgiving I ever spent was at Tikal. Almost no one there.

 

[Rambler]

What does your DW want to do? Would it break her heart for you and her and the kids to have your own TG'g dinner or to go away for a few days? Might wanna talk it over with her if you haven't.

R

 

[Purron]

It is a problem that your mom is now included since she'll be stuck with them if you and DW don't make it.

Perhaps you could take your mom out for Thanksgiving dinner then swing by and say "hi" on your way home. Usually it takes people a while to wind up and become obnoxious, so a shorter visit might avoid that.

Whatever you decide, don't feel pressured to give a big explanation. Just inform them of your plans and let it be.

 

[W2R]

We often schedule a trip to Springfield over Thanksgiving.

 

[Moemg]

Ignore the political discussions and immerse yourself in watching the games .

 

[Achiever51]

Make your own plans, whether it's a trip or a dinner out for your family only, and let the person planning the unwanted event know as soon as possible. I learned this trick years ago...the key is not delaying in announcing your plan. I would say something like "I know you're planning dinner for Thanksgiving, but family and I will be unable to join you as we've been invited to ________. I wanted to let you know now so you don't have to change your plans at the last minute."

 

[Glo]

Stay home, cook, and make your own family traditions. And you can tell the rest of them exactly what you're doing!

 

[CoolChange]

+1 on travel:

I used to do this myself.

Our Thanksgiving isn't holiday season in Mexico or Central America; so, everything is open. Yet, there aren't many tourists from the US. So, it is a great time (good deals, not crowded, etc.).

It is actually a pretty good time to travel within the US as well since you can get good deals at most hotels. (I was surprised to find out how empty most hotels are during the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays.)

Good luck.

 

[aaronc879]

Stay home, cook, and make your own family traditions. And you can tell the rest of them exactly what you're doing!

I would do the above in your situation. Me personaly, I look forward to Thanksgiving as a time to get together with family I don't get to see often. Don't talk politics or religion and everyone gets along fine. Always have.

 

[Dawg52]

Ask Dawg about what meds he recommends

Whatever is readily available. Can't be too choosy when an emergency presents itself.

My relatives have been going to my mother's house for Thanksgiving. She is almost 93 now and simply can't handle it anymore. She hasn't had to prepare the food as everyone brings something, but just too many people in a small house. The confusion and noise drives her nuts, me too. Although med's do help.

So this year we announced we will drive to Birmingham, AL and let my sis-in-law host the get together. Much bigger house, only 2 hours from here and we can exit whenever we want, leaving the noise and mess to clean up.

 

[Sue J]

We used to have Thanksgiving at my house but after my sister remarried she likes to have it at her house which is fine with me because our parents live close to her and no longer drive as far as my house.

She married a man who keeps kosher. Two of his 3 children (now grown) are vegetarians so she had a few extra requirements - no milk in the mashed potatoes, no real whipped cream, don't add chicken or turkey broth of drippings to some items, etc. Then there was her husband's brother's family from out of town who were ultra kosher. My sister's kosher home/dishes/silverware/food wasn't kosher enough so they came with their own food/silverware/plates. Really, really odd.......

Her elderly in-laws have since died but there was the time her father-in-law overate, vomited in the dining room and then passed out. Paramedics were called and he was taken to the hospital before dessert was served.

Luckily, we are a family who long ago learned not to discuss politics and no one is a big drinker so there are none of the typical arguments. Everyone knows that whoever sits next to my Mom is in charge of monitoring that she doesn't eat off the serving utensils and then put them back in the food.

The koshers and the ultra-koshers talk about all their activities which includes their temples, etc. but religion is never discussed. Maybe it's because they know we are atheists.

We all know our parts to play. We get along just fine.

 

[haha]

I confess that I would feel stricken to be alone on Thanksgiving. Unless someone goes bonkers and started shooting I am OK. What difference can it possibly make if they have opinions different from one's own?

Anyway, I tend to find it much easier to agree with my family all the way out to 2nd cousins than I do with others. Almost everyone I know here in the city has political opinions more or less opposite to mine, so I am good at letting that slide by. As far as religion is concerned, we were all old style religious, but nothing one might argue about. There are more important areas for that, like football for example.

Anyway, hard as it might be for those who know me on this board to believe, I am not very argumentive.

Ha

 

[Sarah in SC]

I like the idea of a vacation, as long as it doesn't strand your mom, who seems to be the innocent party. What about a special meal (lunch) with her and a short visit to the in-laws later, as others have suggested.

I'll be eating with my MIL and SIL this year, because DH's high school reunion is that weekend in their hometown. Meh, whatever. Their food is good and I don't have to do anything.

 

[Birdie Num Nums]

Is it too simple and easy to just be completely honest about it all, and say that you do NOT enjoy these Thanksgiving Dinners, and don't want to attend ever again? Or at least not this year.

 

[rescueme]

Thanksgiving has evolved into a secular holiday, much like July 4th, Labor Day, Memorial Day, etc.

It's of little significance in a "family" sense, IMHO. It certainly is not like Christmas, Hanukkah, or other religious based holiday when family may come together.

I went through the same problem as you with my mother, over many years. First it was dinner at her house (with arguments), and then it was take her out to eat (with arguments). Today? It's nothing (we don't communicate at all; arguments are in the past).

There is no reason that you must put yourself under pressure due to "the sake of family". Life is too short...

 

[Khan]

Is it too simple and easy to just be completely honest about it all, and say that you do NOT enjoy these Thanksgiving Dinners, and don't want to attend ever again? Or at least not this year.

We can't have that. We must all pretend to love everyone with whom we share DNA.

Stay home and invite people who might not want to be alone: friends, coworkers, local college students...

 

[aaronc879]

We must all pretend to love everyone with whom we share DNA.

I don't need to pretend but I guess that's not the norm

 

[bbbamI]

I'm sure this won't apply to the OP....

..but I can tell y'all this...during my cop days, Thanksgiving and Christmas were the worst...way too many disorderly calls. Emotions and booze will do it every time...

 

[ksr]

For years, my SO and I have dealt with a lot of stress and expectations of where we should be at holidays. It has gotten better only because we learned to say NO, as gently and firmly as we could, to many of the events. Surprisingly, we haven't gotten as much push-back as we expected.

Could you tell your extended family that now that your kids are at a certain age (whatever age they happen to be right now), you want to establish your own little family ritual and celebrate Thanksgiving on your own (that could be at home, at a restaurant, or even out of town)? That could establish a new routine for you and solve the problem going forward.