Conundrum

[Khan]

For the most part, I like being alone.
But every now and then I think it would be nice to have a friend IRL.
Then I recall: that **** never worked.

 

[REWahoo]

Friendship rule #1: To have a friend you must be a friend

 

[Bestwifeever]

One of the greatest lines in music: "And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."

 

[Nords]

For the most part, I like being alone.
But every now and then I think it would be nice to have a friend IRL.
Then I recall: that **** never worked.

Drop by the local animal shelter. There are plenty of four-legged friends there, and their **** is much easier to handle...

 

[bbbamI]

For the most part, I like being alone.
But every now and then I think it would be nice to have a friend IRL.
Then I recall: that **** never worked.

Why?

During my life I've made friends at school, work, going out to listen to music, etc.. Now most of these people are acquaintances, but a few of them manage to put up with me and contact me from time to time.

An activity brings people together.

 

[MichaelB]

Friendship rule #2: Friends are full time

 

[NW-Bound]

My wife is my best friend for 35 years. We put up with a lot of each other ****.

One of these days, she will even come with me on my RV trek up to Alaska, and then to Newfoundland.

Yes, friends are full-time.

 

[brewer12345]

Khan, it would be much easier for me to pull completely into my shell. I'd not have all the challenges of dealing with other people and would be able to really indulge my inner introvert. But that is the path to Ted Kaczynski-hood. When I make the effort to reach out to other people I have found that my life is much richer. Find a group or organization that is a handy social outlet. You needn't commit heavily, but you might find one or more people that are really worth making the effort for. Outside of work (where I have made some true friends), I have a great social outlet in the form of my local homebrew club. Surely you have an interest or two that offers the opportunity of a social gathering.

 

[Nords]

... I have a great social outlet in the form of my local homebrew club. Surely you have an interest or two that offers the opportunity of a social gathering.

There seems to be something about homebrew clubs that turns everybody into a socializing extrovert!

 

[brewer12345]

There seems to be something about homebrew clubs that turns everybody into a socializing extrovert!

The clubs are interesting. Of course the membership includes a few obnoxious drunks, but these are a small minority. More interestingly, homebrew clubs I have been a member of are one of the few social organizations I have seen that cut across income, social standing and other gradations of the Merkin class system. My current club includes guys with lots of missing teeth and guys who are very high indeed on the scale. There are 25 year olds and 75 year olds. Professional brewers, accountants, OSHA inspectors, you name it. Lots of white guys with guts of all ages, but also blonde women, Asian guys, a bisexual black woman, etc. The love of good beer seems to cut across a very wide swath of people. And your personal standing is directly related to your brewing ability and the amount you know about beer, brewing, chemistry and judging ability. Very different from what I am used to in professional and similar organizations.

 

[Midpack]

Many good replies to this OP...friendship isn't easy, but it's well worth it. I'd much rather have a few really good friends than a lot of acquaintances, the latter seems to be the norm with many people I know.

Not a given, but I also think it's too easy to lose perspective without some close friends (I am seeing this with my 90 YO Dad). We need to be told we're full of sh__ when we are (I get my fair share here too ). Along those lines, I also believe it's worthwhile to consciously maintain friendships with people who are intelligent but not of a like mind. You don't learn much talking to like minded people and 'no one ever learned anything with their mouth open.' Though we may disagree, I value hearing other POV's, and I'm still willing to (begrudgingly) change my views...

And our dogs have added a lot to our lives too...

 

[eytonxav]

Well I think you have many friends on this board given some of caring advice given, even if it appears to you they might be trying to give you ****.

 

[travelover]

I hike with some local clubs. Meetup is one good place to find like minded people. When I feel like company I socialize with them, but it is on an at will basis.

 

[haha]

a bisexual black woman, etc. The love of good beer seems to cut across a very wide swath of people.

Interesting Brewer, you'll have to expand on this and reveal the depth of your knowledge about this fairly intimate topic.

Ha

 

[brewer12345]

Interesting Brewer, you'll have to expand on this and reveal the depth of your knowledge about this fairly intimate topic.

Ha

No mystery on that one. You see the parade of SOs and it ain't hard to suss out.

 

[haha]

No mystery on that one. You see the parade of SOs and it ain't hard to suss out.

The bi part is a bit tricky, no? Or do you know her pretty well

 

[Nords]

We need to be told we're full of sh__ when we are (I get my fair share here too ).

I get that all the time from my Facebook friends, whether I'm asking for it or not...

 

[Amethyst]

Human friends' needs are unpredictable, and people can be very fickle. People can pretend to be your friend, and actually be your frenemy. Friends are risky, in other words.

Dogs, cats, and computers are easier. Dogs and cats = feed and pet them, they're your friend. Computers = give them clear instructions, they'll try to help you.

The risk-gain calculation comes down to, Can you get enough satisfaction from pets and computers, or do you need something only human friends can provide? Then you must assume risk. No way around it.

Just $.02 worth, probably worth less than that.

Amethyst

For the most part, I like being alone.
But every now and then I think it would be nice to have a friend IRL.
Then I recall: that **** never worked.

 

[EveryLady]

No disagreement there can be a fair amount of **** involved when winnowing out those who are potential friends from the pool of human encounters. Only gets tougher with age, too, as we get more rigid (well, some, myself included).

Maybe it would help to say that for us introverts some **** is just part of the equation. And, like work, if you want the payoff you just gotta go with it and grin and bear. Don't have to like it. Think it would be just fine to take some step out somewhere if only to come home miserable, and friendless. And breathe a sigh of total, intense relief that you're home, away from the ****.

What matters is that you took the step. If, someday, it leads to a real friend or new interest - you're ahead. If not, home only looks that much better.

 

[Moemg]

I also am somewhat introverted and while my SO is my best friend I still need women pals that respect my boundaries . When I was searching for new friends after I retired I joined a gym and went to aerobic classes . I also talked to everybody . I soon had friends to chat with ,go out to lunch with and occasional other social events . It is just enough for me . Joining any club will soon net you a few friends and you can decide how much interaction you want .

 

[Khan]

I have actually been to a few meetups with a local group (lunch at a local hole in the wall oriental restaurant yesterday). As an open voluntary setting, these aren't too bad.

I don't know how to be 'friendly', I don't pick up on all the facial/verbal cues that everyone else seems to. I do strive to be polite/civil.

I don't dislike other women, but I seem to have less in common with women than I do with men.

Then factor in that most of the people I do converse with are 15 to 20 years younger and scattered all over the country/world.

Where would I be without the 'net?

 

[MichaelB]

Why not stop by an assisted living or nursing home? Many folks there would appreciate a Osborn visit anjd leaving someone to talk with and it wouldn't have to be a real or lasting friendship.

 

[braumeister]

As Brewer12345 implied, groups of hobbyists seem to work best in this regard.

I have a number of hobbies, and I'm just very slightly active in groups of similar minded folks in all of them. Beer brewing, cheesemaking, amateur radio, recreational running, and target shooting are the main ones for me, but I think most hobbies have this sort of group activity.

Much to my surprise and delight, I found a kindred spirit at one of these club meetings and we have become extremely close friends over the years. Without the club membership in common (although neither of us still goes to those club meetings), we would never have met.

 

[Katsmeow]

As an introvert with a touch of social anxiety I find it very difficult to reach out to make friends. I have found that, as many suggest getting to know people through activities works best.

The one thing that can be hard is moving from acquaintances to close friend where you do something with outside the activity. I confess that I usually rely on someone else to suggest to me doing things outside the activity (i.e. going to dinner rather than playing bridge, etc).

Once I got married and had kids I lost a lot of the outside the family social activities. But in the modern world I've done a lot of things online where I got to know people. Back in the day I was a forum administrator on a Compuserve forum and owned a couple very active mailing lists (a couple of hundred messages a day) and was a forum administrator/moderator at a couple of forums dealing with my then areas of interest. At the time that was really a major social outlet for me but as my kids got older I had to cut back on a lot of those activities. When I had to do that I found that I really missed the ongoing contact. One of the nice things about ESR is that I have more time to spend on online forums such as this which I really enjoy. And, truthfully, I find that I often find it easier to do things online rather than going to physical gatherings with people. That is, I'm probably more likely to read and take part in a dog-related mailing list than actually go to the dog club meeting....

 

[Marathoner]

A few months ago, I would have said that my husband was my best and only true friend and that everyone else in my life was probably more acquaintances. Since finding out about his affair and going through the divorce process, those acquaintances have stepped up and moved into friend territory. I have really come to value them (as well as my forum friends here and elsewhere) to help me through this difficult time and I have vowed to never let such friendships lapse again.

I agree that it can be difficult to cultivate friendships, but I don't even want to think about where I'd be right now without them. The trick is finding good people who share your interests and values. I have been extremely lucky in that regard!