Contemplating divorce.....

[Tiger8693]

Yes, I have been thinking about it for a while. Before everyone jumps to conclusions, no, there is no one else. I do love my DW. But...

She goes through ups and downs (90% or more down) that are significant and impact my day to day life, and my other relationships (kids). This is my 2nd marriage, nearly 20 years, and kids are from previous marriage. She tends to have relationship issues and is estranged from almost all of her family (sisters, nieces, etc).

I have tried for several years now to get her to go see a therapist. Alone if that is what she wants, I don't have to be involved. She always says she is not going to talk to a "stranger" about her "feelings". Every time it is brought up, not just one single attempt here.

We live together mostly like roommates. Not sure if this is more common than I know for people in their mid 50's who have been together for 20 years? Not a lot of passion or even affection the last 5 years.

From a retirement standpoint, although not in a 50/50 state, I would want to take all assets and divide 50/50. Liabilities, as I have higher income (~50%) I would take 75% of those, which are not a lot. Still, this would definitely impact the type of retirement we would have, both of us. I guess that is what is most relevant for this board.

There, I have written it down. I have not told anyone about this, in or outside of my family. Anonymity gives a certain freedom, and tapping it out gives me a chance to think it out. It is still painful, even though not speaking it, my chest is weighed heavily.... Not what I wanted at this point in my life, but then, do i want this life for the next 25-30 years?

 

[Ginny]

I have been in your shoes. Control and emotional abuse were my XH's issues and I had a 4 year old. I realized that it was very important for my kid to have a happy Mommy. It was difficult and very worth it! I encourage you to get your own therapy and figure out what is going to make you happy. You cannot change someone else, you can only change yourself. You cannot make her happy, you can only make yourself happy. Oh, and see a lawyer fast!! Not next week, not next month, NOW. Good luck!

 

[CaptTom]

I think it's like retirement; when it's time, you know it.

I've been where you are, thankfully a big younger, so I just wanted to offer whatever support a forum posting can give.

The therapy suggestion is a good one. It demonstrates that you're willing to take your own advice, and will give you the satisfaction of knowing you did all you could. For me, and maybe a lot of people, the tendency is to blame oneself. Knowing you tried your best is important.

 

[corn18]

I would not post anything related to your thoughts and especially your finances on any media, anywhere. That is all discoverable during divorce proceedings.

 

[Teacher Terry]

The best thing I ever did was divorce my husband after 2 years at age 44. He was very controlling. A year later I met someone else and we have been together ever since. 20 years later still happy. We love to travel and do things together. I know plenty of people who started over in their 50’s and found new partners. I did go to therapy alone for a year to help me make the decision.

 

[ivinsfan]

Deep in your heart what do you want to happen here? At your DW age these lifelong behaviors are difficult to change..and that's assuming she wants to change. It sounds like some mental health issues may be involved too. Do you want to put in the long difficult time needed to help her heal? It's OK if you don't want to, but you need some clarity as to what you really want. I'm having a similar issue with my only sister,who sounds similar to your wife. She's been leaning on me for almost 20 years since our mom died. Drama, Drama,Drama and slashing and burning relationships..two years ago it was my turn to get dumped and ghosted. Every time I worry about her and miss her,my gut tells me I don't have it in me to start dancing with her again,because she never changes...

 

[kc1081]

You are not getting any younger. If you do not want to live the rest of your life like this, it is time to make a change. IMO, therapy is a waste of time. I have never encountered a psychiatrist/psychologist whose personal life is not a mess. Folks that go to therapy just want another person to side with them and say they are right.

You need to meet with the best(most aggressive) divorce attorneys in your town. Don't retain them, but once you sit down with them, your spouse can not use them against you.

Tell your spouse how you feel, and that if things do not change, you will leave her. After 20 years, I am sure she thinks you will accept whatever she throws your way. Time for a reality check.

Your plan as to how to divide assets/debts is not realistic. your attorney will explain how things work in your jurisdiction, and you will have to decide how palatable that is.

I refused to live with a spouse as a roommate, and made the leap. I endured seven years of litigation, dealing with the devil, but my life now is amazing. Good luck!

 

[Music Lover]

From a retirement standpoint, although not in a 50/50 state, I would want to take all assets and divide 50/50. Liabilities, as I have higher income (~50%) I would take 75% of those, which are not a lot. Still, this would definitely impact the type of retirement we would have, both of us. I guess that is what is most relevant for this board.

Get a good lawyer and protect your finances as much as you can. Maybe after the dust settles you can offer to cover more than your share of the liabilities if you still want to. But don't start a divorce by digging yourself into a hole that you can't get out of.

 

[Sunset]

.... I'm having a similar issue with my only sister,who sounds similar to your wife. She's been leaning on me for almost 20 years since our mom died. Drama, Drama,Drama and slashing and burning relationships..two years ago it was my turn to get dumped and ghosted. Every time I worry about her and miss her,my gut tells me I don't have it in me to start dancing with her again,because she never changes...

Wow... I could have written this, except for me it was about 30 years since mom died.
Otherwise it's the same.

 

[omni550]

Sorry to hear this, Tiger.

On another forum when someone was discussing their marriage difficulties, another poster linked this video "How to rebuild a broken relationship." In it, the husband begins by sharing that he's thinking of getting divorced...

I watched it and thought it had merit.

Best of luck to you.

omni

 

[daylatedollarshort]

I don't have any divorce advice but can recommend PREP and Gottman Institute training on how to have a happier relationship, if you think there is something left to save. Both are research based training methodologies. They are a lot cheaper and less traumatic than divorce if you are both willing to give them a try.

 

[aja8888]

We live together mostly like roommates. Not sure if this is more common than I know for people in their mid 50's who have been together for 20 years? Not a lot of passion or even affection the last 5 years.

Do you know why she goes along with this type of living arrangement? Or is she not OK with it too? It's a two way street here.

 

[MRG]

Get a good lawyer and protect your finances as much as you can. Maybe after the dust settles you can offer to cover more than your share of the liabilities if you still want to. But don't start a divorce by digging yourself into a hole that you can't get out of.

+1

Emotions are high and you're wanting to be fair, don't be too fair. I'd second, third or.. about counseling, she does not have to know or participate. It's about taking care of you! A good therapist is worth every $ and the time. Good luck to you.

 

[Octogirl]

You are thinking about divorce. Best advise I got when I was considering a divorce was "to earn it". We started out in couple's therapy and did individual therapy (we had 2 kids). Therapy did not "save" the marriage but we understood more clearly why this would be our choice. Worst year of my life, but worth it. I am happily re- married now for 10 years to DH and we have a very different marriage than my first. FWIW.

 

[Rianne]

I would not post anything related to your thoughts and especially your finances on any media, anywhere. That is all discoverable during divorce proceedings.

Very true! I know this from a malpractice suit my DC daughter went through. Every text, e-mail, video on phone, conversation can be brought into the trial/proceedings. Does sound like you love your wife but at a place where the relationship is not working. Have you talked to her about the feelings? She may be on board and will make it tolerable for both of you.

 

[nhcycling]

Was kinda like my first marriage, he dragged me down with all his issues. I moved on and couldn’t be happier. My current spouse and I have been together many years. This is how it’s supposed to be - joyous! Life’s too short to be in a bad marriage. Get out. The financial impact of divorce, well that’s another story [emoji51] Get a good lawyer.

 

[Mr. Tightwad]

Very sorry to hear this. Your wife and her 90% downs reminds me of my life 20 years ago.( I thankfully wasn't married though).

Everyone has made some great suggestions to you. My advice is don't get married a third time.

Avoiding marriage would prevent what you are going to go through soon.

 

[Bamaman]

You might want to go on Wikipedia and look up Behavioral Disorders. There are things like ADHD, Bipolar, Borderline and other personalities discussed that might make you understand her issues.

I have a beloved daughter that has behavioral issues, and she refuses to get help in spite of having real Cadillac health insurance including mental. Unfortunately her behavior is one of those with an extremely low chance of improvements. Throw in a little meth and it's an impossible situation for our family.

Now getting back to your problem. Once you decide it's over, it should be over. No 75%/25% here--50%/50% is reasonable. And when it's over, the relationship turns into a business decision. Take out the personal feelings and don't point fingers.

And remember in Jerry Reed's famous song--"We split it down the middle, and she got the better half." It's a true statement.

 

[Tiger8693]

Thanks everyone. I will be (somewhat) careful about postings, etc, but what I learned from my first divorce (1996) was that ancillary issues really weren't important once you get into family court. 1st wife was cheating, but these days (and even then) didn't really matter much. At least no kids to impact this time around. As Bamaman said, once you start this process, it is a business transaction. I am well aware of that after the 1st time through. Didn't think I would get here again, but 100% agree that if this is the route, I won't do it again.

 

[Souschef]

I read the OP's post to my wife who is the wisest person I know, about relationships.
Her response was , "Are you better off with her or without her?". That is all he needs to answer..

 

[aja8888]

I read the OP's post to my wife who is the wisest person I know, about relationships.
Her response was , "Are you better off with her or without her?". That is all he needs to answer..

I have to agree on this. If all you really need is a roommate that shares the household chores, she may be fine as is. But if you desire a closer relationship, it may be time to part ways.

 

[Tiger8693]

Do you know why she goes along with this type of living arrangement? Or is she not OK with it too? It's a two way street here.

Good question I guess. IMO, it has been at her decision. The lack of affection/passion has happened over time, and not on my part. At least that has been my belief. Something to contemplate and reflect on for sure.

 

[hopefullyoneday]

2nd marriage here. Got a post nup this time, pre nups have a loop hole for you to lose. Allot of people stay in bad relationships because of a costly divorce. Others stay as i think you are because they do love the other person. Tell her how you feel and that you want to work it out if she is willing. But be ready to hide YOUR assets in case she gets mad.

 

[CaptTom]

I read the OP's post to my wife who is the wisest person I know, about relationships.
Her response was , "Are you better off with her or without her?". That is all he needs to answer..

I think that was Ann Landers' line. I'm not sure I totally agree.

If it were that simple, we'd never get married. Just hang around with whoever's handy until a better offer came along. While perfectly logical, I think most people are looking for more than that.

The problem is knowing when clinging to some romantic idea, or some sense of duty, causes more harm than good.

 

[hopefullyoneday]

I think that was Ann Landers' line. I'm not sure I totally agree.

If it were that simple, we'd never get married. Just hang around with whoever's handy until a better offer came along. While perfectly logical, I think most people are looking for more than that.

The problem is knowing when clinging to some romantic idea, or some sense of duty, causes more harm than good.

My wife asks me why our passion is not like what is shown on TV. I told her they get paid to do that.