Contemplating divorce.....

You can checkout the Gottman and PREP videos on Youtube for free. They are from different researchers and use different methods, but I think they compliment each other. Here is a sample from the Gottman Institute:

 
After 40 years of a happy marriage, I can't imagine what you are going through. Be true to who you are, life is too short to just settle for the way things are. Good luck in making your decision.
 
daylatedollarshort said:
You can checkout the Gottman and PREP videos on Youtube for free. They are from different researchers and use different methods, but I think they compliment each other. Here is a sample from the Gottman Institute:

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Obviously this video is a bit too simplistic but I think it has good points. It’s not like we had classes in relationships growing up so some people may need to be taught how to have a good relationship and this kind of thing may help.
 
athena53 said:
If it's a possibility in your state and in your circumstances, I highly recommend this route. You both maintain some control and it keeps the costs down.
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Yes, a California divorce is quite the experience when the female demands the whole pie and she has a $250/hr female attorney. This was 1990, not today where it may have been worse.
 
tmm99 said:
Obviously this video is a bit too simplistic but I think it has good points. It’s not like we had classes in relationships growing up so some people may need to be taught how to have a good relationship and this kind of thing may help.
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The video is just a small sample. Both companies have all sorts of products such as books, workshops, certified therapists, DVDs, etc. with much more information.
 
daylatedollarshort said:
The video is just a small sample. Both companies have all sorts of products such as books, workshops, certified therapists, DVDs, etc. with much more information.
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Yeah, I figure that. I think this kind of information is very good for the people who need it. Some of us are clueless, or we forget how to be caring.
 
The three best pieces of advice I received while going through divorce were:

1. Keep your relationship with the children solid. Don't involve them.
2. Find a good Divorce Recovery group in your area. I found them far better more useful than professional therapy. And they are a lot cheaper.
3. If you are tempted to feel bitter, unhappy, and depressed about the other person, the process or how the world treats you, remember this trite but very true saying "Living well is the best revenge".
 
I think in today's world all couple relationships tend to be kind of tricky. If you are already divorced or single, one thing you cannot suffer through is divorce. But for sure it can still hurt plenty when a relationship seems to be failing. If you have been careful, as a single you are not likely to have the money fears that are usual in divorce. But still plenty of room for heartache.

Ha
 
The Defender of Marriage arrives on the scene

Most of the earlier responses have focused on strategies for navigating divorce with an eye toward minimizing the financial impact. A few have mentioned how painful divorce can be, not just on the parting couple but on innocent bystanders like children and extended family.

Maybe the lesson here is that it might be better, whatever it takes, to preserve your marriage.

No doubt some readers will vehemently rebut my suggestion: "You're living in a fantasy world, Mdlerth. There was no reasoning with my ex"; "he was a bullying tyrant"; "she was a lying witch"; "he was a cheating slime ball"; "she was a hopeless druggie", etc.

I'm not going to argue with anyone presenting such anecdotes. I will simply observe that too often we think it's a marital problem when it's really a mental health one. Divorce doesn't "cure" either of those issues any more than amputation "cures" cancer.

Before taking any action, remember that you and DW once loved each other. A lot. Love is the most powerful force in the universe. Trust me on this one. Spend more thought on how you might rekindle that love than on how to amputate it.

Pax vobiscum.
 
I don’t think most people take divorce lightly. For 12 years we went to marriage counseling off and on trying to make it work. Finally after being verbally abused for 22 years my youngest was 18 and I cut myself free from my prison sentence.
 
My divorce was years ago and I still feel sad thinking about my ex who had troubles...We both went to counseling, separately. I think it helped my ex to talk to someone objective.
 
Oh my. Don't discount the effects of empty nest and menopause. It can be brutal and definitely cause the 90% down and lack of passion. And can last years. Sometimes you just have to hang in there until things balance out. But at the same time, love is either there or it's not. She may be feeling the same way. I wouldn't want to be with someone that no longer cared regardless of financials
 
Throwdownmyaceinthehole said:
Oh my. Don't discount the effects of empty nest and menopause. It can be brutal and definitely cause the 90% down and lack of passion. And can last years. Sometimes you just have to hang in there until things balance out. But at the same time, love is either there or it's not. She may be feeling the same way. I wouldn't want to be with someone that no longer cared regardless of financials
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My husband could have written this same post. I am in the middle of menopause and it has wreaked havoc on my marriage. He diagnosed it first. I thought I was just depressed. I'm now on antidepressants and seeing a therapist and things are better. Not perfect but better.

Not only menopause but an empty nest. I am experiencing empty nest syndrome. I thought it was all about missing the kids which I don't. For me, it was about finding out who I am, sticking up for myself and regaining self esteem. I wonder if she is having the same issues.

When I was young, I was so independent. After 31 years with the same guy, I have lost my independence and am slowly getting it back. i.e., I used to travel all over the country by myself. I am not necessarily doing it by myself but I am taking charge just like I would have done before.

You can think of divorce but don't do it yet. I think you should see a therapist and then maybe she will follow. If not, maybe you can suggest she sees her doctor. When in the middle of depression, one forgets how they are supposed to be. They think this is the new normal. I certainly did.

I wish you all the luck. I am lucky my husband stood by me (though I was open to seeing my doctor and therapy).
 
If she won't go to counseling, you go alone. And divorce should be the last resort. It could be that she grew up in a dysfunctional household and does not have any example what a good relationship should be. Look up the "Power and Control Wheel" and "Equality Wheel" from the Duluth Abuse Intervention Project. Then compare all of the traits on both wheels to determine your marriage strengths and weaknesses.
When I got divorced after years of hell (almost all power, no equality), I made sure all the loans except the house were paid off (and the mortgage was not large) before it was finalized.
 
Menopause is a bitch. 2 years of hot flashes so far, not to mention what it does to your once supple tissues. Emotions off kilter, and I started marriage number 2 in the midst of the madness. It is not to be underestimated if your wife is a “certain age”.
 
corn18 said:
I would not post anything related to your thoughts and especially your finances on any media, anywhere. That is all discoverable during divorce proceedings.
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AGREE TOTALLY. That, and don’t make any major purchases. Get a lawyer immediately. This could get hostile, plan for the worst. This is an open board, not as anonymous as you might think, so be careful what you say.

I dropped out of a 25 year relationship 2 years ago and it was a good decision. I also moved 1400 miles. Sometimes relationships just change.
 
Been there, done that. Sounds exactly like what I went through with y Ex. If she is afraid to talk to a therapist, and doesn't want to help fix the relationship, then you're stuck. Here's how you need to proceed:
1. Yes, you should see a therapist... now.
2. Yes, see a lawyer... now. Get your financial house in order. No matter how amicable you think it will be, things often turn sour very quickly in a divorce or separation.
3. Talk to her, gently but firmly. Remind her of how your relationship used to be, and end the conversation on a positive note... you love her and want BOTH of you to be happy.
4. Be kind. Yes, she may be going through some very rough times, physically and emotionally. That doesn't mean you endure a broken relationship forever, it just means that you attempt to fix it, or end it, with the grace and kindness that honors your time together.

Best of luck.. you can do this!
 
I was exactly where you are. After 20 years splitting up is hard but you are entitled to be happy too and it sure doesn’t sound like you are or will be.

I moved out and while there was no one else there was the dream of someone else. Splitting up ended years of paralysis is my life since wife was too afraid or simply unable to cope with change. Knew I wanted a simpler life so easily gave up most possssions.

Could not be happier wi h how everything turned out. So no promises but if you don’t mal a change for sure it can’t get better..
 
I agree that people should try their best to keep the marriage together. There is a lot to be gained by keeping two people together in a loving marriage. I know of one guy whose wife had an affair, and he ended up adopting the child of that affair when they reconciled. Now that is fellow who takes his marriage seriously.

One thing many people have not mentioned is that all to often these days, there is a 3rd Party who is working hard to pry the marriage apart. The 3rd Party often provides a very safe and emotionally comfortable environment for one of the married persons. Time with the 3rd party is usually free of child rearing issues, money issues, and the often mundane issues of day to day life as part of a family. Time with the 3rd party is usually exciting, new, different, and often it is in a vacation like environment. What fun! What a relief! What adventure! What a disaster for the marriage and the family unit.
 
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Chuckanut said:
I agree that people should try their best to keep the marriage together. There is a lot to be gained by keeping two people together in a loving marriage. I know of one guy whose wife had an affair, and he ended up adopting the child of that affair when they reconciled. Now that is fellow who takes his marriage seriously.

One thing many people have not mentioned is that all to often these days, there is a 3rd Party who is working hard to pry the marriage apart. The 3rd Party often provides a very safe and emotionally comfortable environment for one of the married persons. Time with the 3rd party is usually free of child rearing issues, money issues, and the often mundane issues of day to day life as part of a family. Time with the 3rd party is usually exciting, new, different, and often it is in a vacation like environment. What fun! What a relief! What adventure! What a disaster for the marriage and the family unit.
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The guy you know...His situation speaks volumes about dating/marriage in the present day. Enough said.
 
Throwdownmyaceinthehole said:
Oh my. Don't discount the effects of empty nest and menopause. It can be brutal and definitely cause the 90% down and lack of passion. And can last years. Sometimes you just have to hang in there until things balance out. But at the same time, love is either there or it's not. She may be feeling the same way. I wouldn't want to be with someone that no longer cared regardless of financials
Click to expand...

This really hit home; I can think of 3 marriages I know of where the sex ended around the time they were in their mid-50s or earlier. (I'm guessing on one of the 3; the husband of one of the couples is a close personal friend and I'm dating the 3rd guy, who was divorced in 2012 but said the last time they had sex was 1997.) In all 3 cases, the wives seemed to be at loose ends after the heavy-duty part of mothering was over and the kids were gone. Their lives still revolve mostly around the kids and grandkids. It's not inevitable; there are many happy marriages in my family in which stay-at-home mothers had enough other things going on that they adjusted well to life after an empty nest. I don't ask about their sex lives but I see genuine displays of affection.

I pretty much sailed through menopause except that sex became extremely painful. Hope that's not TMI. There are prescriptions that can help but you actually have to talk with a doctor and they're not cheap. That could be another reason for the "roommates" situation.

So- the OP's wife may need time and counseling if she's motivated- or she may not want things to change. Only he can decide how to move forward.
 
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