I thought I should update since the thread has been revived a bit and there has been much that has happened. I could write a novel, but basically to make a long story short, recent events (Penn State scandal) brought up memories in him that he had repressed for nearly 30 years. I did some reading, and his actions/behaviors are textbook for what he went through.
He is very confused, going back and forth almost daily on whether he wanted to work things out or not. Once I found out about his background, I was more sympathetic about what was going on and would have been willing to give us another shot since he's getting the help he needs through counseling. He just needed to maintain no contact with her while we worked on our relationship to see if it could/should be saved.
I would tell myself I was done, but there was always a little glimmer of hope that things would work out. On Jan 1, he came home, sobbing, asked me to give him another shot -- that we needed to come to a decision together. I said as long as he tells her no contact while we figure things out, and total honesty. He agreed. We had a bunch of really long talks and good times Sunday and Monday. Lunch, football game, museum, etc. At that point, I would have put our odds of divorcing at 80%.
Then, last night, he accidentally left his e-mail up on the computer, and she'd contacted him. He responded, and after several more e-mails, they said "I love you" to each other. He'd told me that he had feelings for her but didn't know if he loved her or not. I am a visual person, so seeing that written out drained any remaining love I might have had for him. I could almost feel it leaving my body. I deserve so much better.
I felt this rage and anger that I hadn't before then or even ever in my life. It was actually really scary. I got really hot and my head was a bit cloudy and I was thinking about doing something violent towards him, though I restrained myself. I confronted him, and of course he was so sorry, etc.
This morning, I woke up with a profound sense of peace and calm. I know now that we are divorcing, and there's nothing that he can do to save the marriage, even if he decides that what he wants. He is far too damaged and couldn't even last one day of no contact with her.
If I'd made the final decision before today, I think I might have always wondered if I made the right decision, but this confirmed things for me.
I read "The Sociopath Next Door" and I don't think he is one. He does have traits of antisocial personality disorder, but a lot of those are also traits of people who have suffered like he has -- and his was of the worst kind in terms of age when it happened, who did it, duration, type, etc. Quite frankly, it's amazing that he's as normal as he is and isn't in prison somewhere.
This is a way condensed version of everything -- I was starting to question my sanity but now I know I'm going to be OK. I have a couple of j*b leads (mine ends in March -- I'm shutting a company down so need to stay for bonus/severance) and once I get one, I can find an apartment near work and begin my new life.
I will always care about him in some way. I feel terrible for what he's been through. I would have been there for him to help him through everything, but he made decisions and acted in ways that make that impossible.
It will be an interesting few months as I move on with my life and we try to hammer out a settlement. I'm getting excited about ER again! Since he wasn't on board (but pretended to be), I don't think that would have been possible with him. But, as a single lady with a well-paying career and low expenses, I am excited to see my investments grow. Oh, while we were talking, he took full blame for everything, said I couldn't have been a better wife, and his only complaint was that I focused on the future and wanted to retire early. He then conceded he was glad I did as we will both leave the marriage with a significant amount of retirement savings and a fair amount of cash. And he worries about how he will manage his money without me, but that's not my concern!!!
Thanks again for the wise words throughout my ordeal. I don't think I was in a place to really internalize them when this first happened (tomorrow is still only the one month anniversary of me finding out) but yesterday was the turning point. I suspect I may have some tough days yet ahead (I'm pretty certain Jan 1 wasn't the last time he's going to beg me to work things out) so my plan is to collate all of the wise words from this board, from my real-life friends, and elsewhere, and refer to them should my resolve weaken.
