Mom is living with us

[travelover]

Take your mom to visit one of your siblings. Leave while she is in the bathroom.

 

[Texas Proud]

About 5 years ago we were looking at putting my mom in a home... but, I found a one bedroom condo in a high rise... she loves it...

Now we have some care coming in 3 days a week... we will go to 5 when necessary (which might be soon)... mom still says she wants to live where she is at as long as she can... I am lucky enough to have sisters that come and take mom out for activities and we take her out one night a week and for some special occasions...


My DW has mentioned about having her in our house, and I say no... as so many people have said, there is too much drama that likely will occur... I also do not want to have DW bring her mom in when the time comes....

 

[vicente solano]

My wife, who is suffering the problem that other in-laws have managed to dodge, asks what would be the best solution for everybody:
1. Have Mom in a place of her own where 4 of us live and getting All her children on rotation to live with her.
2. Have her spend Winter and Fall at her flat in Madrid and the rest of the year here.
I discard moving her around to her 9 children's places as it would really mean treating her worse than a suitcase.

Let's have your opinion, please.

 

[MichaelB]

Your mother would probably want to live where she can have friends her own age, some family nearby, not feel that she is a burden on anyone, and have a little dignity, in addition to a bit of privacy.

 

[Letj]

I realize that cultural conditions are different in Spain but admittedly am clueless about what those differences are.

That said, like FIREd, I'd have a conversation with her. It would probably not end well. The conversation would go along the lines of:

1. This is OUR home. Not yours, and you will not dictate our living conditions. Yes, you are my mother and as such are deserving of some measure of respect. But the other side of that coin is for you to recognize that we are mature adults and we expect and deserve the same measure of respect and courtesy. We are not children and will not tolerate being treated as such.

2. The inside of the house is a no smoking zone. End of discussion. See item 1.

3. Again referring to item 1, the TV in the living room will not be on 12 hours a day. You have a TV in your room. Use that one.

If you feel that these are undue restrictions then by all means make other living arrangements.

vicente, the alternative is to continue living as you are now. A change is necessary.

This is most certainly the American direct way to handle this and I have to say I agree with this approach. However, this would certainly not go down well in Spain and in most cultures around the world. If Vincent handles it like that, he is likely to be cut off from his mother and the siblings will probably take her side. Mothers are highly revered in most societies and you work around them not the other way around. Speaking to his mother like this is tantamount to disowning her. He has to figure how to address the situation while saving face. He might have to fake illness or something so his siblings can take her in. I could be wrong but that has been my impression.

 

[Meadbh]

I am confused. She has a flat in Madrid and summer cottages elsewhere. It is not clear to me why she cannot live in one of her own homes with intermittent visits from family and appropriate support from home care workers.

 

[vicente solano]

I am confused. She has a flat in Madrid and summer cottages elsewhere. It is not clear to me why she cannot live in one of her own homes with intermittent visits from family and appropriate support from home care workers.

Quite simply-because she doesn't want anyone more than 4/6hours a week for the hard house chores. She feels that quasi live-in caretakers interferes with her privacy, even though she admits to not being able to really live completely on her own. As I've said, she mentioned that she felt lonely....and was propelled here by my siblings in Madrid. Certainly, when we heard about her loneliness, all 4 of us here offered our homes. We should have known better....

 

[Meadbh]

The word "want" is a recurring theme. She "wants" many things, but fails to see that her family members also have wants and needs.

I think you need to be kind but firm. Establish reasonable house rules. Calmly and consistently enforce them. Do not allow your mother to manipulate you and DW and make your lives a misery. When your mother moves to her summer cottage, invite your siblings to a family meeting. Establish an equitable plan that is fair to all. Implement it.

 

[haha]

My Mother's mother lived with our four child family from when I was little until after I had left for college when she died. When her sister (my Mom's Aunt) became a widow she moved in too.

I'm sure my Dad was less than thrilled by any of this, but otoh, these two older women were dynamos of cooking and kitchen clean-up and child care. Since my Mother was essentially hopeless in domestic life, even before she returned to work about the time I went to college, this combined with a weekly house cleaner allowed her to plot her escape from tasks that she was unable or unwilling to do. I think all us children were basically glad- we had much better food, on time, and my sister at least got the mothering she needed and hadn't had much of from my mom.

A difference from this and Vicente's situation was that the woman of the house was these two older women's daughter and niece. Also, ours was still a young family, and there was plenty that our guests could do to help out, and also 4 grandchildren to give some interest to their lives. I never got very close to G'ma, but my Aunt was something else. She had been a bar owner/operator, and once defended herself in a robbery by stabbing the miscreant fatally. This was plenty to earn my complete respect.

I later heard that here was some talk about the necessity of her act, but the prosecutor decided whether it was strictly necessary in this instanced or not, sooner or later it would have been, as this punk obviously needed killing.

Ah, the good old days!

Ha

 

[Meadbh]

Ha, your great aunt sounds like a cool lady! The difference between this and Vicente's situation is that she and your grandmother were making an economic contribution to the running of the household. Vicente's mom appears to behave as a difficult and disgruntled guest.

 

[springnr]

I want it this or that way...
Your mother at 85 most likely wants what is familiar, understandable. She can't imagine how great it would be to live amongst people her own age and mentally engage at a social level with peers. All of us here have put off doing the unknown whether changing jobs, retiring, or whatever and later thought to ourselves how much better this is why did I ever hesitate. There is a somewhat of a role reversal at work too with the parent/child concept at work, and as a parent sometimes you make a child do something you know is better for them.

Time for a month long trip? A sibling can host Mom and upon your return they might be open to discussing alternatives choices for Mom's living requirements besides staying with them.

 

[redduck]

Careful now.....we don't want Vicente and DW to be accused of elder abuse!

Let's not be so hasty here.

Child abuse: the child is taken out of the house and placed in a foster home.

Elder abuse: the elder is taken out of the house and placed in a foster home.

Problem solved.

 

[braumeister]

Your mother at 85 most likely wants what is familiar, understandable. She can't imagine how great it would be to live amongst people her own age and mentally engage at a social level with peers.

This was exactly the case with my mother. Once she found herself (at my insistence) in an environment where there were others of a similar age, she loved it. And it continued to be good for her. Once she began the inevitable physical decline, there were plenty of people who cared about her and checked up on her every day.

 

[Meadbh]

Vicente, can you describe the Spanish personal care homes and how they are regarded? Is there strong social pressure to have elderly people live with relatives? Are personal care homes a last resort? I realize that the solution must be culturally appropriate.

 

[robnplunder]

I hate to be the only one saying this. But I don't think things will work out. She may have to move out to keep peace in your home. My mom is much like OP's mom and it drives everyone crazy to be near her. When she was younger, she used to be a reasonable (even wise) person. But with aging came stubbornness, and aggression. My sis ended up recommending her to see psychologist. My younger brother constantly fought with her before he passed away. Nothing short of miracle is going to fix her ways. She lives by herself and I dare not ask her to live with us (it will challenge our relationship, and my marriage). And that's good for everyone, IMO.

 

[Amethyst]

Vicente's mom sounds like an elder who is abusing adult children.

Amethyst

Let's not be so hasty here.

Child abuse: the child is taken out of the house and placed in a foster home.

Elder abuse: the elder is taken out of the house and placed in a foster home.

Problem solved.

 

[Bestwifeever]

I hate to say it, but after reading your replies here, Vicente, I think the situation with your mother is not going to change--she is doing what she wants and you do not want to endure her reaction to being asked to do things differently so you are going to avoid discussing the issues with her. You presented her views well, and given her age and mindset, you probably are right.

I am going to be extra careful from now on in my adult kids' homes to observe boundaries!

 

[Accidental Retiree]

Take your mom to visit one of your siblings. Leave while she is in the bathroom.

LOL! But yes!

 

[spncity]

She is not a suitcase. Suitcases don't cause drama, don't act like they're the boss, nor do they smoke up your house with cigarettes.

It is not easy to be the transitional generation - the ones who determine to be "different" with their own adult children. We are trying to pay attention and be engaged without being intrusive, and to wait until asked the second time before venturing any advice (a`la BestWifeEver).

Kindest regards.

 

[imoldernu]

Money.

As strange or unlikely as it sounds, plain talk about the overall financial situation, mother and family. Moving to larger accomodations, subsidizing remodeling to accomodate, MIL cottage or building addition is not unreasonable. Hiring a companion... housekeeper or health aide... cost to be borne by the guest from the owned assets, or otherwise by responsible family members.

Most of responsibility at any age is measured by the final arbiter... Money.

A free ride is a sure road to empowerment and entitilement. We all pay our way and accept responsibility for ourselves. At any age, for a an able bodied person, this responsibility is a measure of self approval. Some call it pride.

When reason fails, money talks.

Objective- to move away from emotion and enter into practicality. For ALL concerned.

 

[NW-Bound]

Yes, money can and does solve many problems.

 

[Indigo Mule]

Failing all of the above very useful, clever, and effective tactics, if you are unable to otherwise deal with the situation: retreat. Put a lock on your bedroom door. Spend your time as a couple in there. Do NOT allow your mother inside. Any ploys or threats on her part to gain entry can be answered with, "Our marriage bed is private."

 

[haha]

I hate to say it, but after reading your replies here, Vicente, I think the situation with your mother is not going to change--she is doing what she wants and you do not want to endure her reaction to being asked to do things differently so you are going to avoid discussing the issues with her. You presented her views well, and given her age and mindset, you probably are right.

I am going to be extra careful from now on in my adult kids' homes to observe boundaries!

Vicente is quite good at getting himself into unpleasant situations, which given his attitudes and constraints seem to have no exit. And our board members are quite good at trying to suggest exits, though there has never been an instance where he put any of these suggestions into play.

And the beat goes on...


I sure agree with your take-home about being sure to have accurate boundary perceptions regarding you own children. I try to ask myself periodically, with my adult children, my girlfriend, etc.,-am I taking things for granted, am I out of touch with current reality. Social practices change constantly or at least continually, and it is easy for us to just carry forward familiar assumptions from the past.

Overall I think that many of us over 50 tend to annoy younger people because we either have no idea how they think, or just assume that it is immature and inferior to the way we think. By far our most important job with adult children ordinarily will be to be likable and respectful in our dealings with them.

Ha

 

[imoldernu]

Overall I think that many of us over 50 tend to annoy younger people because we either have no idea how they think, or just assume that it is immature and inferior to the way we think. By far our most important job with adult children ordinarily will be to be likable and respectful in our dealings with them

Ha

+1
Oh Yes!
After decades of being the Dad that was responsible for shaping my children's morals, education and social integration... the awakening... How wonderful to open a new door to a circle of friends.

 

[vicente solano]

Ha ha:
Yeah yeah .... I am a pitiful weakling and a pushover. And I deserve whatever will be coming my way regarding this issue.