Teacher Terry
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- Jun 17, 2014
- Messages
- 7,100
Sorry to disappoint Sunset. I think if you really love each other some things can be accepted and worked out.
Contemplating divorce.....
- Thread starter Tiger8693
- Start date
dand76
Recycles dryer sheets
What OP describes sounds very similar to what I lived with for 25 years. Why it was endured for 25 years is probably something I should have my head examined for. Anyway here's what we did to flatten out the roller coaster ride from hell.
DW met with a gynecologist, I attended also. Had I not been there and Dr. only heard how DW described her symptoms then probably nothing would have been done. When I described her behavior from my view point the Dr. had her tested for hormone imbalance. Results from that test prompted the following solution:
DW had a hysterectomy (aka "The Exorcism")
She was also put on hormone therapy patches.
DW is now a completely different person. More like the young lady I married in the first place. Well, not so young anymore but mentally. Cybil does raise her ugly head occasionally (maybe once a month or so) but can usually be talked into going away and having DW return.
Apparently hormone patches should only be used for a few years otherwise other health conditions can occur. Crossing that bridge is getting close and it scares the hell out of me. I'm afraid things will go back to the way they were and I won't be able to return to that life.
Don't know if this is OPs issue but testing for hormone imbalance is something to consider.
DW met with a gynecologist, I attended also. Had I not been there and Dr. only heard how DW described her symptoms then probably nothing would have been done. When I described her behavior from my view point the Dr. had her tested for hormone imbalance. Results from that test prompted the following solution:
DW had a hysterectomy (aka "The Exorcism")
She was also put on hormone therapy patches.
DW is now a completely different person. More like the young lady I married in the first place. Well, not so young anymore but mentally. Cybil does raise her ugly head occasionally (maybe once a month or so) but can usually be talked into going away and having DW return.
Apparently hormone patches should only be used for a few years otherwise other health conditions can occur. Crossing that bridge is getting close and it scares the hell out of me. I'm afraid things will go back to the way they were and I won't be able to return to that life.
Don't know if this is OPs issue but testing for hormone imbalance is something to consider.
Having gone through a divorce last year, I wish the OP the best of luck. My divorce was pretty amicable, and we used a mediator to help us split things and keep legal costs down (no kids, no debt, no "valuable" knick knack to fight over). The mediation process also allowed us to keep our financial standing private, which we both valued. But it was still tough, and it left both of us feeling poorer. The divorce was not my idea but, in retrospect, I think that it was for the best. I consulted a therapist to help me get through the rough times and I learned so much about myself in the process. It was money well spent.
Last edited:
Dtail
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
My divorce cost me some decent dough when adding in the alimony and asset payments.
However even though it technically caused a later FIRE, I wasn't thinking about retiring until it happened and am way happier now even though not as wealthy as I would have been.
If you are members of a church (and trust your Pastor,) I would recommend sitting down together and discussing your feelings with each other.
My first marriage lasted a little over two years and my wife decided to leave because “she thought I would change.” It was a hard year, but I got through it. Our divorce was amicable as I gave her 1/2 of what we had earned over the length we were together.
Five years later, I met my soulmate and am ever so grateful for her. We’ve been together for almost ten years and I could never imagine life without her.
When we were married, we met three times with our former Pastor who helped us understand what marriage was truly about. Marriage is about making a commitment to your partner.
Based on your circumstances, it does not appear that either of you are committed to one another. If that is so, move on.
Good luck,
I
My first marriage lasted a little over two years and my wife decided to leave because “she thought I would change.” It was a hard year, but I got through it. Our divorce was amicable as I gave her 1/2 of what we had earned over the length we were together.
Five years later, I met my soulmate and am ever so grateful for her. We’ve been together for almost ten years and I could never imagine life without her.
When we were married, we met three times with our former Pastor who helped us understand what marriage was truly about. Marriage is about making a commitment to your partner.
Based on your circumstances, it does not appear that either of you are committed to one another. If that is so, move on.
Good luck,
I
Mr. Tightwad
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Not getting married in the first place is even cheaper. 90% of South Korean males between the ages of 25-29 are unmarried. Avoiding marriage is how you avoid "rough and expensive divorces".
haha
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
I believe that this is the coming thing here also, and although I am getting old now, so perhaps it makes less difference, nothing could convince me to marry again, even though I strongly care for my girlfriend and she seems to care for me.
Ha
Teacher Terry
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- Jun 17, 2014
- Messages
- 7,100
It makes perfect sense for older people not to marry. Young people not so much.
EastWest Gal
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Thanks to the prenup, and overspending. The prenup they signed said that she would get 20% of his earnings, in addition to the marital assets. That guarantees she would get a lot more than him, no matter how much he made. That's a bad prenup for him. He would have been far better off without one.
Mr. Tightwad
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
You already know how I feel about it.
He would have been far better off without a wife.
And before anyone gets mad, some marriages don't end in divorce. I'm just not advising anyone to risk becoming a "Strahan" and devastated financially.
I think everyone's point has been made (some more than once) so why not drop this and move on? Perhaps even get back on topic ..
Tiger8693
Full time employment: Posting here.
A lot of really good, and sincere comments here. Thanks and I am going to incorporate as much as possible.
Zen of Conscious Living
Dryer sheet wannabe
Good Morning Tiger8693!
I'd guess that things aren't going to change really. Even with therapy, kc1081 was right in their post to you, in my opinion. Try to make a divorce "her idea" so she feels some power in this separation. I'd say move on, take the risk, and stop going sideways. It will be scary, and financially burdensome but heck, beans and rice are healthier for you than steak anyway. Plus, you will never feel more alive until you get yourself back. There are women hungry for a good man out there I promise, but don't ever get married again. Make that clear in your new relationships. Get a good lawyer, but please remember, they are NOT your friend, they want to make money off of you so "try" to work out an arrangement with her before you "cut the cord" and fly, IF you can. Lawyers "play" you and "each other" and you pay for that so be careful there. Plan your exit carefully, as smooth as you are able so your settlement is your only focus. Most Important though, and we won't call it manipulation: we will call it strategy, MAKE A DIVORCE HER IDEA and you are half-way there! Good Luck!
I'd guess that things aren't going to change really. Even with therapy, kc1081 was right in their post to you, in my opinion. Try to make a divorce "her idea" so she feels some power in this separation. I'd say move on, take the risk, and stop going sideways. It will be scary, and financially burdensome but heck, beans and rice are healthier for you than steak anyway. Plus, you will never feel more alive until you get yourself back. There are women hungry for a good man out there I promise, but don't ever get married again. Make that clear in your new relationships. Get a good lawyer, but please remember, they are NOT your friend, they want to make money off of you so "try" to work out an arrangement with her before you "cut the cord" and fly, IF you can. Lawyers "play" you and "each other" and you pay for that so be careful there. Plan your exit carefully, as smooth as you are able so your settlement is your only focus. Most Important though, and we won't call it manipulation: we will call it strategy, MAKE A DIVORCE HER IDEA and you are half-way there! Good Luck!
Vacation4us
Full time employment: Posting here.
- Joined
- Oct 5, 2018
- Messages
- 530
Wow.
First let me say I am divorced and remarried.
So I am not judging.
This thread has too many replies promoting divorce. OP life is much better and simpler and hopefully happier n a committed marriage. Please do all you can to save your marriage before leaping into a divorce. Divorces are painful for all involved and should be the step of last resort.
The above advice is just crap!
Mr. Tightwad
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Its a lot more painful for the one sending the alimony check than the one receiving it.
dixonge
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
FYI, at the time of his divorce, Strahan's assets were around $22 Million. I don't know who drew up that prenup, but it obviously didn't take into account child support, which I think he is still paying at a rate of $216,000/year.
OTOH, don't feel to bad for him. His current net worth is somewhere north of $65 Million. I think he'll survive.
OTOH, don't feel to bad for him. His current net worth is somewhere north of $65 Million. I think he'll survive.
Mr. Tightwad
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Prenups don't regulate child support.
Aside from the first quote above (which made me cringe or something like that), which post(s) do you deem cringe-worthy and would cause problems in court?
Tiger8693
Full time employment: Posting here.
[-]Quick[/-] update:
Had a vacation that we went on in Feb. Lots of rain in Cali, lots of time to sit and talk. Getting away from the day to day drove us to more "deep" conversations rather than the typical b*tch and moan about work, family, etc conversation traps that we both tend to fall in to. This was one of the longest vacations we have taken in quite some time as we both usually use the "too busy at w*rk, and after 5 days the conversations got a lot deeper, and more serious. You get the gist of it.
We both have had a lot of stressors over the course of our marriage "cycle" I will call it. For her, she has had a long 4-5 years caring for her parents that in the last year or so ended quickly for mom, slowly for Dad. I did what I could (and what she allowed) to help, but it was very difficult for her, and now I think she is very lonely without them.
To try and shorten, she said she knows I have a lot going on and really doesn't didn't want to burden me, her words, with all of it. For my part, maybe I was trying to solve everything. In any event, she agreed and even brought up going to talk to someone. I think she feels she can do that and not unload things to me and of course not have me trying to "fix" things.
I'm encouraged and hopeful, but also a realist. Day by day.
Thanks to all who commented.
Had a vacation that we went on in Feb. Lots of rain in Cali, lots of time to sit and talk. Getting away from the day to day drove us to more "deep" conversations rather than the typical b*tch and moan about work, family, etc conversation traps that we both tend to fall in to. This was one of the longest vacations we have taken in quite some time as we both usually use the "too busy at w*rk, and after 5 days the conversations got a lot deeper, and more serious. You get the gist of it.
We both have had a lot of stressors over the course of our marriage "cycle" I will call it. For her, she has had a long 4-5 years caring for her parents that in the last year or so ended quickly for mom, slowly for Dad. I did what I could (and what she allowed) to help, but it was very difficult for her, and now I think she is very lonely without them.
To try and shorten, she said she knows I have a lot going on and really doesn't didn't want to burden me, her words, with all of it. For my part, maybe I was trying to solve everything. In any event, she agreed and even brought up going to talk to someone. I think she feels she can do that and not unload things to me and of course not have me trying to "fix" things.
I'm encouraged and hopeful, but also a realist. Day by day.
Thanks to all who commented.
Give yourselves credit: this was a difficult break in a routine that isn't working for either of you. Honest conversation pays enormous dividends.
A counselor can help you find you way forward, whether that ends up being a stronger marriage / new cycle in the marriage or a peaceful parting. Good luck on your journey
A counselor can help you find you way forward, whether that ends up being a stronger marriage / new cycle in the marriage or a peaceful parting. Good luck on your journey
IMHO, are you friends, at all? Friends can live together. My GF in high school's mom told me (paraphrasing) but it stuck with me all these years. A relationship might go like this: Attraction, lust, lust, lust, love, marriage, friends. In our case friendship came much later in life. I think friendship is love. So are you friends with her?
Past boyfriends of mine, after the attraction, lust stage, I could not stand them. Sometimes I thought they were awful people. Many couples are great friends with their spouse, they just lead separate lives. Go days without talking because they're busy with other things, not because they dislike their spouse.
You have to decide if it's worth it to stay in the marriage as friends. Is she willing to accept that?
Past boyfriends of mine, after the attraction, lust stage, I could not stand them. Sometimes I thought they were awful people. Many couples are great friends with their spouse, they just lead separate lives. Go days without talking because they're busy with other things, not because they dislike their spouse.
You have to decide if it's worth it to stay in the marriage as friends. Is she willing to accept that?
- Joined
- Nov 27, 2014
- Messages
- 9,250
Last edited:
