7 and 10 Year olds attend Funeral?

[Sue J]

Suddenly all the adults are sad and regular daily activities are suspended due to the uncle's sudden death. The kids know something has happened. Since they knew the uncle well, they will also be shocked and sad. Part of funerals and mourning is the opportunity to experience it together. I think at 7 and 10 this is something they could participate in if they want to. It's also ok to be sad and not participate if Mom feels it's too traumatic. It's also healthy to feel sadness about the death and still act like a kid, playing with cousins, talking and laughing.

I don't think I saw an open casket until I was in my 30's.

 

[RetireeRobert]

I don't think I saw an open casket until I was in my 30's.

Do many people even do open casket funerals anymore. The poll here, by far the largest percentage want to be cremated which rules out open casket service for them.

Of perhaps 18 or 20 funerals I have attended over the last 30 years, exactly none were open casket. The last, and only, open casket funeral I can even remember in my lifetime was perhaps 50 or 55 years ago when my uncle died.

Maybe it is a regional thing, but even more maybe open casket was a custom of the past, like five or more decades ago, and long since fallen out of favor.

 

[jollystomper]

I do not see it as a problem, but it is really how one judges how their children can handle it. If you never talk about death it will seem more frightening. My parents made us aware of death at a young age. Not in a frightful way, but in a "this is a part of life" way. Sadly in my neighborhood I saw death a lot when I was young, even before my 1st funeral.

I went to my 1st funeral at age 8, for an aunt. I was close to her, I cannot remember if I had a choice or not, but it did not bother me. In fact, I ended up wandering through the funeral home and looking in on other viewings. What still sticks with me is hearing a woman bawling "Mother, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry, Please forgive me!" All that went through my mind at the time was "Lady, she can't hear you".

Our kids also started going to funeral young and they are used to it. We tried, like our parents, to have lots of discussion about death beforehand. The circumstances of the death impact our kids more than the actual funeral. In middle school our youngest son had a good friend murdered by his father (who also killed his wife and daughter before taking his life), that situation still bothers him years later.

In our culture funerals tend to be open casket when possible, and are usually treated as more of a celebration. There is always lots of food available after the service, and it is not unusual to have young children around.

 

[pacergal]

I would encourage them to attend if they want too, and have someone who can leave and comfort them if one of the kids gets overwhelmed and wants to leave.
Death is a part of life and saying goodby is important.
For the MIL, I wold tell her and let her attend if able.
My DGM had Alzheimers, my Mom and Aunts took her to the funeral of my Uncle. She was aware she "knew" him, but did not remember he was her son. They and the personnel at the care center all felt it was good for her to go, and there were no problems afterwards.

 

[EastWest Gal]

I think the 7 year old can and should attend. By age 7, most children have concrete, fact-based thinking, and are not affected much by magical thinking of earlier ages.

Also, there is comfort for other attendees in seeing children. It reminds us all that we have to die to make room for the next generation. And the presence of such children are usually a comfort to adults, regardless of their behavior, unless it is overwhelming.

When DS was 8 years old, I had arranged a visit with just me and him at my parents' house (flying from PA to CA). A month before the scheduled and booked visit, Mom showed signs of insanity-delusions, and other crazy stuff. Everyone knew there was something very wrong from the emails she was sending to family, and from talking to my dad. My dad and I were able to figure out that she was abusing steroids that had been prescribed for an inflammatory condition. She had been ordering refills at both the local pharmacy and mail order through Kaiser, and she had kept herself on high doses. So I suspected steroid psychosis.

I had some plans for some fun escapes with DS, which became vital during our visit. I stuck with bringing him on the visit, as it would be a comfort to Dad. I explained to him there was something wrong with Grandma and we were there to help figure it out, get her the help she needed, and help support Grandpa. DS was a total champ. He saw Grandma act crazy, saw her deterioration over the previous year.

I actually wanted not to shelter him from real life. I explained that sometimes that happens when people have medical problems, and that it was OK. It is better to deal with reality than run away. A month or two later we found that her psychosis was not just steroid psychosis, but also due to an undiagnosed small cell lung cancer.

My goal was to get her to the doctor so she could see what was going on with mom, which through crazy manipulation, happened. DS was there by my side. We got her to her doctor, who sent her to the ER, which then arranged a psychiatric hospitalization, where they treated her with anti-psychotics and weaned her steroids.

Once she was situated, DS and I visited an Marriott's Great America in Santa Clara and a water park in Concord. There we had the time of our lives. My dad appreciated the support but was happy also for his alone time when we went out.

DS learned that minds and bodies can both fail. He also learned that one can seek some enjoyment even in sad and difficult times.

Looking back, I suspect that trip had a huge positive impact on his attitudes, even today.

So yes, have the 7 year old attend the funeral.

 

[audreyh1]

My 8 and 10 year old nephews certainly expect to be there for their grandpa’s memorial service and burial of his ashes.

 

[ncbill]

My kids attended my mom's funeral when they were those ages...no issues.

 

[Dtail]

Absolutely, but don’t force them if they don’t want to go.

+1

 

[aaronc879]

I can't think of a reason for them NOT to go. Also, probably best to tell them the truth about the Grandmother. When in doubt, go with the truth.

 

[gamboolman]

I went to relatives Funerals when I was growing up. Some were harder, e.g. grandparents that I was very close too - that was hard. But glad I attended.

But I would always respect the kids feelings and Mom and Dad ultimately will decide what is best for their children.

 

[Bestwifeever]

It might be harder on the kids to go to the uncle's funeral than a grandparent's funeral, as the uncle is probably closer in age to the kids' parents. I imagine you would need to be as reassuring as possible that the parents won't just pass away in their sleep too.

 

[Maenad]

Another vote for let them go if they want to.

When I was 5 my grandpa died suddenly of a heart attack, and while I remember being afraid of going up to the casket (and wasn't forced to), it wasn't traumatic, just really sad.

My 10 y.o. brother had a harder time, but he had been there when grandpa died, so... yeah. (He's fine now, it wasn't permanently scarring, but definitely the kind of thing that shakes a kid up for a little while.)

 

[Golden sunsets]

I think that there's a difference between the wake and the funeral where younger children are concerned. I recall attending the funerals of my grandparents when I was younger. I don't recall attending the wakes, which were all open casket. Part of the reason may have been that my parents were there for the entire 2-3 hours and devoted to standing in front of the casket to greet visitors and it would have been difficult to monitor the children for that length of time. Often there were 2 visiting periods for the wakes. I think times have changed though. My DM passed away last year. I chose cremation for her, one visiting period of 2 hours and a Christian burial mass the following day. Had there been younger children or grandchildren. I think they could have handled it.

 

[Sunset]

Do many people even do open casket funerals anymore. .........

maybe open casket was a custom of the past, like five or more decades ago, and long since fallen out of favor.

My Uncle's open casket had a surprise for me, he was fat, but not super obese and died young at around 55.

When I saw him in the coffin I didn't recognize him, as all the cheek jowls and loose facial skin/fat were hanging towards his ears, sort of flattening his face and spreading it out to the sides.

It was very odd, and made me think open caskets were not a great idea.

 

[audreyh1]

I don’t care for open caskets/ viewing. Embalming is required for that and I don’t care for embalming either. We plan on cremation. My parents did and I expect my siblings will as well.

It’s really about traditions, and I expect they will change by generation.

 

[Chuckanut]

I'm not a fan of open caskets. I think they may have been fine in older days when for various social and political reasons people needed the assurance the the deceased was truly deceased.

7 and 10 year old? I do think the 7 year old is rather young, though the child does deserve a simple explanation. Death is a part of life. My gut tells me a 10 year old can handle it. But, I don't now this 10 year old and can't say for certain.

I am saddened by his death at such a young age.

 

[mystang52]

OP here, with update: Both of my grandkids came to the funeral. The 10 year old grandson did not want to go to the burial itself, and at the cemetery the 7 year old granddaughter likewise chose not to. DW stayed with them. The kids were fine.
Re: my son-in-law's mother with Alzheimer's, the decision was to not tell her.
Son in law spoke with her doctor, and it was his recommendation to not tell her.

The casket was closed. We are Jewish, so no embalming. Since he's been deceased perhaps as long as last Sunday, and they did an autopsy, it would not have been an appropriate sight for anyone.
I was 10 or 11 when my grandmother died, and they had an open casket. I remember being upset seeing her. My Mom died young, at age 48, and my Dad decided for open casket. I was distraught when I saw her, and it scarred me to this day. I told DW that if she goes first, there is no way I'd have an open casket. If I go first, I'd prefer no open casket but I won't be around to make that decision.

 

[Sue J]

Thanks for the update. My parents were Jewish, so I'm familiar with this type of funeral. Very kind to let the kids omit the parts that they weren't comfortable with and have their grandma stay with them.

A custom that they may appreciate later is the one where you visit the graves and leave a small stone on the headstone. It will be a while before the headstone is done and put in place and many families will have a quick "stone setting" ceremony at the cemetery. In my family we always tried to bring a stone from home. At the Jewish cemetery where everyone we know is buried you could never find a small stone, they had all already been taken!

I saw my brother between autopsy and cremation (long story, Jewish rules didn't apply). He was in a zip up body bag with just his face showing. I could see a wrap around his neck concealing what they did for the procedure. Basic and grim to have a viewing like that but it was kind of the crematory to allow it.

 

[SAinMinn]

I have a vivid memory of attending my paternal grandfather's funeral when I was 4 and a half. My memory is of my dad carrying me in his arms toward the front of the church, where the casket was open for a pre-service wake/viewing/whatever. It was 1971, and times were different then.

Apparently, much to the horror of those assembled, as we neared the casket I shrieked: "There's my grandpa!"

Ugh. As it has been told to me, I was confused about why we had traveled to the small city where my grandfather lived and I had not seen him yet.

I can't say it traumatized me. I can say it helped prepare me for when my mom died when I was only 15 and she was 48. I recall only snippets from her funeral. Yet, from very early on, I learned how fragile life was and is. And that has been a very, very good thing.

 

[ncbill]

Hate open casket funerals...all the deceased I've seen have looked horrible.

"Don't they look natural?...no, they look DEAD!"

 

[Koolau]

Sure.
Funerals are part of transition.

It is a lot less traumatic than living through a revolution and watching tanks firing into houses, people getting shot on the street, thrown off of balconies, hanged or dragged behind trucks which I saw and lived through in Hungary at age 9. 1956 Russian invasion of Hugary. After that military service was a piece of cake

Death and funerals are part of the lifecycle, the sooner one understands, the less the mystery of where do we go from life.

I was the same age at the same time. Here in the USA, I was traumatized by the Russian invasion of Hungary. News reports, including some film made me physically ill. I don't know how you got through such an event - except that you had no choice. I'm sure you are stronger for having survived, but it had to color your whole world going forward. I know it did mine and I only lived it vicariously. Blessings on you.

 

[Lawrencewendall]

I went to my Mom's funeral at 7. Nothing, nada. She was just gone. She had been sick for awhile so it wasn't unexpected.

 

[Koolau]

I went to my Mom's funeral at 7. Nothing, nada. She was just gone. She had been sick for awhile so it wasn't unexpected.

I barely recall a time when my grandmother was still somewhat lucid. Most of my time with her (her last 5 or 6 years) she slipped away into dementia. When I went to her funeral at about 12, my parents emphasized how death can be a relief and is not something to be feared. Her's was my first funeral and I was capable of handling it. At 7, I'm not so sure. We're all so different. Knowing your kids and letting them have at least a "say" in their participation (going up to the casket or not, attending the burial or not, etc.) When kids feel they have control, it's easier to grow up. No child psychologist here - I just helped raise 3 of 'em so YMMV.

 

[W2R]

I went to an open casket funeral when I was a kid, maybe about 11 years old.

It didn't bother me or scare me or cause me to have nightmares! At that age I was extremely curious, but once I saw the deceased body lying there in a coffin basically I thought the whole thing was GROSS and my comments to my mom were "EWWW! Why would anyone want to see that." My high school aged brothers thought seeing the dead body was pretty cool. Ewww. Our responses were probably pretty typical of anyone of the same age and sex.

That said, kids are individuals just like grownups. Some could be traumatized by seeing a dead person for the first time. Some just think that custom is totally tasteless, which was my take on it.

 

[athena53]

Thanks for the update. I'm glad the kids were allowed to go but were allowed to choose how they participated. And I've also seen advice that family members with dementia shouldn't be told over and over every time they ask that someone has died- it just puts everyone through the trauma all over again. You just tell them the person couldn't be there today but they'd be there on another visit.

I hadn't realized that it was not part of Jewish tradition to display the body till a Jewish friend attended a funeral in my first husband's Roman Catholic family. He found it pretty unsettling. Wen DH was in his last few months he and I cheerfully agreed he;d be cremated with no viewing.