After divorce, what about ex-family?

[Focus]

I'll admit it: I never imagined I'd be divorcing in retirement. But it happened -- suddenly and unilaterally -- when my spouse's midlife crisis ended our nearly 20-year, seemingly rock-solid relationship. We kept it amicable, and in the end, it did not derail my retirement financially. But it easily could have.

For those who've been in the same boat, I have a question: Did you maintain any connection to your ex's family? They became my family, and I loved our nieces and nephews. But no one has reached out to me, and realistically chances are I'll never see them again (most live in another state I'm not likely to visit). Should I go so far as to unfriend everyone on Facebook?

 

[SecondCor521]

Sorry to hear.

My divorce was in 2006. 15 years, three young kids. I retired in 2016.

I remain amicable towards my ex's family, and they towards me. It was her decision, not theirs. But it does make things awkward. Everyone gets to try to figure out what you're trying to figure out, and that includes both extended family and also shared friends.

Depending on your relationship, you might choose to reach out to them. This might be awkward. They might want to keep in touch, they might not. They might wonder about how your spouse might view them continuing a relationship with you - sometimes a divorcing spouse might force the larger family to take sides.

How you Facebook is up to you. I have chosen not to add either my ex or my ex-FIL as FB friends even though I have an amicable relationship with both, because I've decided to try to let go as much as possible, or at least have the appearance of doing so (fake it until I make it). I would not want them misinterpreting my friend request, and I wouldn't want my ex to worry about her posts showing up on my feed - that could make her feel uncomfortable.

If anyone noticed you unfriended them on FB then they might be slighted, which may or may not be important to you. I'm fairly certain FB doesn't notify the person that you've unfriended them, but there may be ways to figure that out if people care. I've never looked.

Overall, it is better at least externally to take the high road and be civil and polite and courteous. Especially if there are children, grandchildren, or others who are younger and might need consideration / protection against the nastiness that is often at least a small part of almost every divorce.

 

[RunningBum]

Facebook is your call. Since it sounds like you would like to keep the door open, I don't see any reason to unfriend them on FB. If they unfriend you, there's your answer. You can periodically look for them on your friends list, or you could install the FB purify extension, which among other things tells you when someone is no longer your friend (due to unfriending you, or closing their FB account). Unless you still did Christmas cards, Facebook would seem to be a way of staying in some contact, perhaps by commenting or reacting to some happy event.

The only contact I ever had was at weddings and graduations. I've seen some who stayed close to their ex-inlaws. There's no right or wrong.

 

[MissMolly]

My brother and his wife divorced about 20 years ago. Both have since long remarried. I remain very close to my ex-sister-in-law. My brother and his ex have been going through some difficulties with one of their grown sons. Due to this, both my brother and his wife along with ex-SIL and her husband have gotten together for dinner several times to discuss things. All very, very amicable. Actually, the ex-wife and the current wife have become quite good friends. My ex-SIL still attends some family functions, like weddings and funerals and other mega-events like when we threw a party for their son who graduated med school. I miss having my ex-SIL around all the time. In some families, maintaining a good relationship is possible.

 

[travelover]

Been there, done that. I maintain a good relationship with the ex in-laws and, in fact, they told me that thought she was nuts. But realistically you don't want to show up when your ex is there - it just causes too much stress and tension for everyone. Don't write anyone out of your life - they are probably wary that you somehow blame them, by association, for the divorce.

I'm sorry for what you are going through, it is worse than a death.

 

[Focus]

A couple of you are mentioning kids. I think that makes a continuation of relationships more likely. We had no kids, so that element is missing.

 

[Mmm Rrr]

In my large, oft-married family, unless the person divorcing "out" of the group has done one of us wrong, we keep them as part of the family. My mother still sends birthday cards to both of my ex-husbands and speaks of them fondly. She says we all need as much supportive family as possible.

On the other hand, if an ex-spouse treated one of us badly, during the marriage or as part of the divorce, he or she is dead to us all!

I would keep the FB attachments and try to maintain the relationships. If anyone is uncomfortable with it, they'll let you know.

 

[Mr. Tightwad]

You mean well, but the more contact you have with them, the more wounds will reopen. It's inevitable.

Be glad you weren't financially devastated. Many are. I never got married so I'm not one of them.

Try to rebuild your life. Don't spend too much time in the past, go forward.

 

[SecondCor521]

A couple of you are mentioning kids. I think that makes a continuation of relationships more likely. We had no kids, so that element is missing.

The presence of kids can force amicability (if that's a word), which can be good but bittersweet. I imagine not having kids involved could make things easier in some ways but harder if you do want to maintain contact since them not being there ends up not creating that reason to connect or interact.

Again, I'm sorry. It's really hard. Mine was 14 years ago and it still bugs me sometimes. I think I'm an outlier in that regard though; many other people I know have managed to move on and get over things faster and easier than me.

 

[Sunset]

OP - I'm surprised it's amicable, since it was unilateral.

I'm also reading it's not done. So maybe it will turn out a little more nasty than you are currently considering it, especially if it affects your retirement.
Once it's finalized you can breathe more easily.

Best of luck.

 

[Focus]

OP - I'm surprised it's amicable, since it was unilateral.

I'm also reading it's not done. So maybe it will turn out a little more nasty than you are currently considering it, especially if it affects your retirement.
Once it's finalized you can breathe more easily.

Best of luck.

The divorce is done. It stayed amicable. I was great to my ex in the relationship and not at fault in the split, so there was no reason for my ex to make it contentious. That said, I know it's gone south quickly for others in similar circumstances, so I'm thankful we avoided that fate.

 

[tulak]

Married for 20 years, divorced for almost 2. I'm still in touch with my ex's family, but they live far away so we don't see each other often, usually once a year. When I go back to visit my family, I always visit them too.

I do know that my ex is still in touch with my sister/nephew who live close by. None of us have any issues with that.

We separated amicably and get a long fine when we see each other. I think that helps.

I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through this. It's definitely not easy.

Personally, I wouldn't unfriend anybody on Facebook. Even though I'm not in any regular contact with my nieces, I still have them as friends on social media (FB, Instagram), as I do the rest of my ex's family. Why not?

 

[Souschef]

Mine was not an amicable divorce. I will not bore you with all I put up with from my ex and her family.
I have been fortunate to maintain a relationship with my 2 sons, however.
It has been said the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. I have been doing a good job of it.

 

[Dtail]

I have a cordial relationship with my ex, but very basic infrequent communication.
I have lost contact with her family and was previously close to them. Just one of those things.

 

[Koolau]

DW's brother has divorced twice. We have stayed close to both of his exes and his kids - and his exes previous kids. My sister divorced and we've tried to stay close to her ex though he hasn't completely reciprocated. Divorce can be so cruel. All you can do is all you can do. YMMV

 

[FIREd]

Together for 20 years and divorced for 2 years now. No kids. The divorce was rather amicable. I now live on the other side of the planet from my ex and her family so I may never see them again. I still have a cordial relationship with my ex and we call each other several times a year but I only reach out to her family for birthdays and holidays (just a text message, no real conversation). My ex does the same with my folks. I didn't unfriend anyone on Facebook but my ex and her family are on "ignore" (their posts don't appear on my feed anymore).

 

[Focus]

Together for 20 years and divorced for 2 years now. No kids. The divorce was rather amicable. I now live on the other side of the planet from my ex and her family so I may never see them again. I still have a cordial relationship with my ex and we call each other several times a year but I only reach out to her family for birthdays and holidays (just a text message, no real conversation). My ex does the same with my folks. I didn't unfriend anyone on Facebook but my ex and her family are on "ignore" (their posts don't appear on my feed anymore).

Your situation seems comparable to mine.

I keep thinking of the behavioral economics concept of "sunk cost," even though we're talking about emotions and relationships here. From behavioraleconomics.com: "Individuals commit the sunk cost fallacy when they continue a behavior or endeavor as a result of previously invested resources (time, money or effort) (Arkes & Blumer, 1985). This fallacy, which is related to loss aversion and status quo bias, can also be viewed as bias resulting from an ongoing commitment."

Since it's only been two years since your divorce, I wonder if it's just a matter of time before communications with the ex-family fade away to nothing, as was the case with Dtail:

I have a cordial relationship with my ex, but very basic infrequent communication.
I have lost contact with her family and was previously close to them. Just one of those things.

I suspect this will be the case with me, especially since no one has reached out to continue the relationship. (I realize it's as awkward for them as it is for me.) It's very sad.

 

[aja8888]

I hate to tell this story, but it shows another side of divorce

We divorced in 1992. Wife went nuts (paranoid schizo and bipolar). She ran off and moved to Michigan to be with her family abandoning us (we lived in Thousand Oaks, California at the time). Her brothers had her committed to a mental institution, but she got out and quickly moved to Texas where I relocated to with both teenage daughters (which I raised myself and put thru college). Financial nightmare as I lost $1MM in the mess. I had to sell two California houses at fire sale prices underher court order. Lost $100's of thousands on that mess.

Well, my in-laws, ex brother-in-laws (2), and their children remained in contact with my daughters and I (to this day). My ex passed in 2014 after drinking herself to death.

It's over, but it took 22 years after the divorce.

Be glad yours is amicable. Not many of them are.

 

[brett]

Not divorced but certainly I have had no issue or remorse with unfriending a few of my spouse's relatives (BIL. cousins) on FB and not accepting another (SIL) as a facebook friend. Nor did my spouse have an issue with it.

 

[Koolau]

We divorced in 1992. Wife went nuts (paranoid schizo and bipolar). She ran off and moved to Michigan to be with her family abandoning us (we lived in Thousand Oaks, California at the time). Her brothers had her committed to a mental institution, but she got out and quickly moved to Texas where I relocated to with both teenage daughters (which I raised myself and put thru college). Financial nightmare as I lost $1MM in the mess. I had to sell two California houses at fire sale prices underher court order. Lost $100's of thousands on that mess.

Well, my in-laws, ex brother-in-laws (2), and their children remained in contact with my daughters and I (to this day). My ex passed in 2014 after drinking herself to death.

It's over, but it took 22 years after the divorce.

Be glad yours is amicable. Not many of them are.

That is so sad. I'm sure there still remains some collateral damage which may never heal. Blessings on you.

 

[aja8888]

That is so sad. I'm sure there still remains some collateral damage which may never heal. Blessings on you.

Thanks, my daughters sustained most of the psychological damage from not having a mother figure during their teen thru adult years. I did the best I could and we went to counseling, but even today, my daughter won't have children. The oldest daughter passed away at age 22. So I have no grandchildren. All is good though.

The OP should know that time heals all wounds but things will never be the same.

 

[Sarah S]

My grandmother was divorced from my father’s stepfather ( they married when my father was a young child) when I was a teenager. As soon as it finalized he reached out and said he wanted to stay in touch with our family. We didn’t see him very much as he moved out of the area but we did communicate regularly and met occasionally. I encourage you to reach out even though it is awkward if you want contact. You might be rebuffed but in the situation you describe I think they will be happy to hear from you

 

[HadEnuff]

25 years after my divorce (which was a unilateral decision on my part) I have a better relationship with my ex than I do with several of my own family members who took judgement against me.

Which goes to show, you just never know.