Finances and Dementia

[Nords]

i'm not at all concerned with my finances if i see myself slipping into dementia. i've already taken out an excellent annuity plan through the bank of smith & wesson na.

What rate are they currently paying? .357?

DW says she'll take pills and booze if she finds out that she has dementia. Me I'll probably opt for Mr. Colt 45.

Brave talk, guys, and I've made the same jokes, but how will you know you're slipping into dementia? I know there's recognition of Alzheimer's but I'm not so sure about dementia. And in either case you eventually lose the recognition.

My grandfather lived the happiest 14 years of his life with dementia:
- He'd always been somewhat gruff & dour until dementia set in. Then he was the happiest guy I've ever seen-- free from all worry, fear, and care.
- He was always delighted to see you, and he renewed your acquaintance every five minutes.
- Every day he rediscovered Shakespeare. He had all of the Bard's plays in paperback but the only pages turned were the first 15 of "Julius Caesar".
- Every day he learned a new joke-- the same one. It never stopped being funny.
- Before we realized he had dementia he ate over a thousand meals-- 3x/day-- at the local Friendly's. Every day he ate eggs, bacon, cheeseburgers, fries, and steak. The servers used to have knife fights over his business-- I think at least three of them went to college or ER'd from his tips.

By human standards his life was pathetic. But he didn't know that and so he didn't have to care.

Think about how you might feel before you show your spouse how to click off the safety...

 

[rogerc1944]

My former FIL was stripped of everything by his caretaker. My aunt was stripped by her niece who had her sign a new will 2 hours before she died. This sort of financial elder abuse is all too common. This is the reason that I am totally opposed to privatizing Social Security. Piles of money attract crooks. You can be stripped of all your assets but at least Social Security will continue. A further hedge against being left penniless is longevity insurance. This is essentially a delayed annuity but pays out much more than a regular annuity. Typically, this type of annuity is purchased at age 60 or 65 and kicks in at age 85. While immediate annuities typically pay about $700 per 100k invested per month, longevity insurance will pay out 8K per 100k invested per month. The big drawback is that the money is gone if you don't live to be 85.

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

i've related this story before but it bares repeating because it speaks here to why someone might consider taking advantage of a window of opportunity to reduce suffering as self-awareness can be retained far into even dementia. this is particularly relevant as medicine & healthy living adds longevity to most of the body but the brain.

my brother feels much the same as nords expresses but i don't want my sil to prop me up in the corner of the living room with a lamp shade over my head.

mom & i started dealing with her alzheimer's about 12 years before her death. so she knew. then over the years there were times she knew and times she didn't. it took ever increasing effort to maintain the illusion of normal life and perhaps we did too good of a job at that. maybe we stole her window of opportunity. i'll never know. but i do know i won't have a child like me to do for me what i did for her if what happens to her happens to me.

even two years before death, when she could still talk, she said to me "this is horrendous. what can you do?" i said "mom, there is nothing i can do. i can only keep you comfortable." we kept mom comfortable and helped her maintain as much happiness as we all could muster under the circumstances.

she stopped being able to use words about 6 months before death. unlike many other's i've observed and heard tell, she held onto a lot of her personality far into this disease, not unsurprisingly as she was a pretty amazing person in her day. when she could no longer talk, one day she was trying to tell me something. i sat with her and said, "mom, i know you are trying to tell me something but when you talk, no words come out, only noises. there is sentence structure but i can't understand what you are trying to say. i'm so sorry this has happened to you."

my mother stopped for a second. looked directly at me. gathered her strength and in a struggling & coarse but self-directed voice she said to me slowly "i'm sorry for you." and then went back to "speaking" gibberish noises again.

that was the last sentence, the last words my mother ever said. she couldn't move her body, she couldn't use words. her deteriorated brain was probably the size of an orange. yet she was not only aware of what she was going through, but she was able to express compassion for what her disease was doing to me.

i'm not as brash as i was in my 20s & so yes, it is brave to say today that i will shoot myself if i see dementia coming for me in older age. perhaps i will miss my window of opportunity. so i'll keep some cash and instructions handy for that. but i'm going to do my best to keep that window open and i'm hopeful now that i will still be brave enough then to jump out. i've done this for two generations already, i don't need to do this again. i'm done.

 

[bbbamI]

LG4NB,

My heart aches for you and for my husband as well. His dad has Alzheimer's. The thing that tortures my husband is that he will have to say goodbye to his dad...twice.



I believe there are things worse than death, but until that time comes, I'm going to keep on going and be grateful for the day.

 

[Siv]

you guys are awesome, I'm touched.

We lived with my dad's parents and my mom's parents lived not very far away. I remembered my mom's mom has alzheimer and it seems my mom's side has problems with diabetes, short term memory and speech slur. I watched grandma deteriorated with alzheimer until she's in wheel chair, immobile, incapacitated. My mom would pick her up, take her sightseeing around town, take her to our house and make us talk to her, etc. In a way she was lucky because the family can afford private sitter and my mom, her sister, brother are close by to take turn taking care of her.

My dad's father had parkinson and the years he deteriorated he had no will to live, would sometimes said he wish he's dead. I think it was an old age when almost none of his friends were alive. Again, all the while my family was lucky to afford private care. We, the grandkids are also pushed to chat with them although I'm not sure they understand. Where we were, nursing homes are non existent.

On the other hand, my mom is now 61 and out of 5 of us, only my brother lives in the same town. Not by choice, but by situation that requires him to take care of my dad's business when dad passed away due to heart attack. When I read what you guys wrote, it got me thinking. She's in tropical island with not a very good health care system, 70 would be considered long age. I'm starting to see that we have to encourage her to live the fullest from now until whenever age brings her to. In a way, I'm happy that these last 4 years ever since dad was gone, she seems to be care free and just free. It's touchy to realize that after all this life struggle(life was difficult in some years when we were growing up) that she went through, this is going to be her opportunity to be free.

My brother is getting married and my selfish me hope he will continue living with her....after all he sorts of inherits our huge house because none of us is there. I think he can sense the responsibility. I'm trying to do my part as well. I'm making provision to give her money and buy her nice things although she has more than enough money....someone told me I should also spend time so yes I'll do that. I'm pregnant now and had asked her to accompany, I think all in all she will be with me for a period of 6 months this year. She's excited I can tell....and don't worry, I will have a baby sitter. Just want her to enjoy the little bundle.

 

[ESRBob]

Siv,
Thanks for sharing your story. Good luck with your new baby! Keep us informed and send pix when he or she is born.

 

[JustCurious]

It is critically important to make sure that the beneficiary designations for all accounts are up to date. This includes retirement accounts, bank accounts, brokerage accounts, insurance policies, annuities, and any other accounts. The beneficiary designations will control who gets the proceeds of the account upon passing, REGARDLESS of what the will says--it doesn't even matter if you have a will or not. So when I hear people give advice about getting a will and keeping it up to date without saying anything about beneficiary designations, it is really bad advice. Therefore, the most important thing you can do financially for yourself or someone who is near the end is to make sure the beneficiary designations on all financial accounts are up to date.