Grandma's Will

[youbet]

This has been an interesting thread for me because:

1. A situation on the inlaw side of my family occurred a few years ago which is so similar it's facinating. Sadly, it ended poorly and now is an unpleasant discussion topic with local relatives bitching about out of town relatives whenever the locals are together for Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. In fact, this thread has reminded me of the dreaded bitch session which will no doubt occur at dinner tomorrow....... Thankfully, it turns from hissing to laughing in about ten minutes.

2. My elderly MIL needs some money management overview to help her get by financially and DW thinks I am the perfect candidate to do so. I even began digging in and got some great advise on this forum. But since then, remembering the previously mentioned incident, I've backed out and strongly encouraged DW to get one of her siblings to be the "go to guy." No way do I want to become the BIL who "screwed things up" or is "hiding something" or yadda-yadda-yadda....... No matter what you do, whatever course of action your pursue, you'll be overviewed and critiqued later by all the folks not doing anything now.....

Buckeye..... my best wishes and hopes that your mom and her brother are able to reconcile this issue to their mutual satisfaction and without grudges or hard feelings. These are always tough situations. Good luck and thanks for sharing this. It's been a good reminder for me!

 

[RetireeRobert]

Something about this thread keeps bothering me. It's got me hooked, and I can't get the hook out!

To try and put my finger on what bothers me, it is this: deep down I guess I feel full disclosure is always the best policy.

We and OP have discussesd what *might* be going on with uncle, but it is all speculation. At this point only uncle knows what his motives are for not letting sis and niece see grandma's will.

Uncle may well be acting in what he believes are the best interests of grandma's estate, and of the family, as well as himself. He *may* think sharing the will with the family might upset some apple cart, or sis after seeing the will may misjudge what he has done with the estate.

But if he thinks that, isn't he really judging sis (and niece) and NOT trusting them to *understand*? In short, I think his action in not sharing the will, is an act of mistrust, and an act that of itself may breed further actual mistrust by the family back to him.

And I come back to my down deep feeling: *full disclosure is always the best policy*. Uncle should trust sis (and niece) to listen to his explanations as he shares grandma's will, and why he is settling the estate as he is.

There, I've got it out.

Regards and goodluck Buckeye, and best wishes for a satisfactory resolution of the situation for all of your family.

 

[Buckeye]

I appreciate all the comments from everyone. The only reason I ended up being involved in the situation is because mom asked me to google certain topics for her since she does not have a computer or internet access. Once I started helping her, I thought posting here would provide some useful input (which it has) from people who have been through this type of situation.

Mom said she has made her desire for information and documentation (not additional money) clear to uncle. She has also made it clear to him she has no desire to make things more complicated than necessary but that she feels entitled to copies of the official documentation. I gave her the phone number where she can get a copy of the death certificate so it's up to her to take care of that but a copy sent by uncle would be cheaper than the $31 an official copy costs.

Uncle's response to mom's documentation requests was "fine, you'll have your check by Friday" even though that was not what she was asking for. That was last Friday and no check yet. Too weird.

 

[Texas Proud]

Buckeye....

Your mother must be a bit tough with your Uncle on this one... he is doing something that is not 'right' and is hiding it.. maybe it is better than what your grandmother wanted, but who is he to decide

When my dad died a long time ago.... we had a 'will reading'... anybody who came heard what the will said.. and we would have given any child a copy if they had asked...

And my mother 'gave' the specific gifts he had put in the will even though they were only there in case my mother was already dead... so she went above and beyond what he had said...

 

[jambo101]

I posted a similar question about wills not too long ago and the gist of it was Suppose my brother sent me for example $40,000 and said that was my share of Dads estate how exactly do i know what was the contents of Dads estate?,what if it was worth $200,000 and brother was low balling me on what my actual share should be? I certainly dont want to spend the rest of my life always wondering if the Bro ripped me off.

 

[kcowan]

We had a situation where BIL, a bank manager, had taken over managing his aunt's financial affairs. When she died, DW was executor, and we discovered documents in their basement (all others had been meticulously cleared out) showing that over $1.5 million was missing from his accounting of her estate. Since DW would have been entitled to 1/6th of that amount, it became a testy issue with her brother.

He just stonewalled and then refused to speak to her again (15 years ago). Where money is involved, many people become irrational.

 

[Nords]

I certainly dont want to spend the rest of my life always wondering if the Bro ripped me off.

When she died, DW was executor, and we discovered documents in their basement (all others had been meticulously cleared out) showing that over $1.5 million was missing from his accounting of her estate. Since DW would have been entitled to 1/6th of that amount, it became a testy issue with her brother.

These sorts of feelings & stories (many more beyond these quotes) make me hope that there's some sort of beneficiary's disclosure requirements for estate planning and execution. The public isn't always entitled to know, but if you're handed a bag of gold then you'd like to know about its provenance and that some fiduciary management has taken place.

However even if I wanted to give it to charity, I'd rather disclaim the whole thing. It's even more of a relief to not have to worry about who's giving how much to whom, let alone having to sort through conflicts that you never sought in the first place.

 

[Khan]

We had a situation where BIL, a bank manager, had taken over managing his aunt's financial affairs. When she died, DW was executor, and we discovered documents in their basement (all others had been meticulously cleared out) showing that over $1.5 million was missing from his accounting of her estate. Since DW would have been entitled to 1/6th of that amount, it became a testy issue with her brother.

He just stonewalled and then refused to speak to her again (15 years ago). Where money is involved, many people become irrational.

"Say not that you’ve known a man until you’ve shared an inheritance with him."
-Johann Kaspar Lavater (Swiss theologian)

 

[Buckeye]

Jambo101 - At least my grandmother had a will although my mom's situation shows that just because a will exists, things don't necessarily go smoothly. If you can convince your parents to get wills, I would recommend asking for a copy.

Khan - In the situation you describe it sounds like people became greedy and thieves where money was involved, not irrational.

 

[Buckeye]

Old Post Clean-Up

My uncle ended up sending my mother a check for $42,000 as her portion of grandma's estate. He never did provide a copy of the will or any type of accounting as to how he came up with the amount. He told her he was spending part of the estate to transport grandma's ashes and grandpa's casket (with him in it) back to the midwest to their home state (moved away 65 years ago) and have them buried there. Grandma and grandpa have no friends or close family back there (everyone but me in WA) and they hadn't been there in 30 years so I didn't really understand the point. Maybe the request was in the will but we didn't get to see it.

Mom accepted the amount uncle sent and that was that. She rarely spoke to her brother other than to discuss issues related to their mom so I doubt there will be lots of future phonecalls.

Grandma requested cremation. There was no funeral but some sort of small service. When I called my uncle at his home on the day of the service, there was a loud party going on in the background. My cousin who lives in Idaho came to the phone to say "hi" and she was all fired up and having a great old time. I didn't have a chance to talk to my other two cousins (her brothers) but I could definitely hear them in the background. None of my cousins had come to visit grandma during her last days (I know, I was at her bedside) and although the boys lived within a few miles of her, they never came to visit her in the assisted living facility during the 18 months she lived there. Not sure what they were celebrating. A financial windfall?

 

[Martha]

Kind of a sad end to the story. Even if that was all your mom was entitled to, by not having full disclosure she will never be able to fully trust her brother.

 

[Buckeye]

I would still love to see a copy of the will. I have no interest in the money but my curiosity is piqued by the fact that uncle did not want to present a copy for anyone to see. What's the big secret?!

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

horrible what money can do to families.

the probate division of the county court wherein the final will was filed probably can mail you a copy if you are not local to there.

 

[Buckeye]

Uncle was supposed to record the will with the county but hadn't done so the last time I checked. I will look online again. Nothing official really required to close things out in that all that was left was CD's and bank accounts that were in grandma and Uncle's name and the total amount was under WA state probate requirements.