Intentions vs. Actions when Getting Older

[haha]

Here's an example for us all -

My friend is 80 and her husband 75. He had a major stroke at 72. He went from a strong, vigorous working man to one who can barely brush his teeth.

8 years ago they bought their dream retirement home in the woods. Big house with a big garden. 1.5 hour drive one way (3 hours r/t) to medical resources. They don't have children and all relatives are in Europe.

Now my friend is exhausted with chores and caregiving every day. Between the two of them, they must drive to medical appointments 3 times a month or more.

8 years ago, they should have downsized their belongings and moved into a modest home near medical resources. Now my poor friend is doing the Big Downsize with the help of a few friends so she can put the house on the market. And her husband had another small stroke last week.

Very sad.

I lived out on an island in puget sound. New retirees moved in all the time, and many moved out before long. It's a lottery. If both people stay healthy, reasonably satisfied with their relationship and reasonably adept at fixing storm damage and just the ordinary maintenance needs of houses, (the available plumbers, handy men, etc. tend to be expensive, or useless, or drunks, or all of the above.) All this and they don't get lonesome the situation lasts until somebody gets seriously ill. From that day on, it can be an unhappy lonely struggle.

There are many ways to see this, but for many after age 60 or so IMO it is safer to live in the city, or a suburb with unusually good public transit.

Ha

 

[OHjosh]

I agree with the posters; no adult playpens for me until physical/mental issues no longer allow me to remain independent. (Hope that is 25 years off, minimum.) I will never forget how in her first weeks of residence, my mom complained about her loss of freedom, even when she moved to independent living in a life care community. My aunt told me her mobility decreased when she no longer had to clean and move up and down stairs.

As to the socialization I might "enjoy" there, I've endured it as a guest. I say: "Just get me my frying pan...!"

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

I lived out on an island in puget sound. New retirees moved in all the time, and many moved out before long. It's a lottery. If both people stay healthy, reasonably satisfied with their relationship and reasonably adept at fixing storm damage and just the ordinary maintenance needs of houses, (the available plumbers, handy men, etc. tend to be expensive, or useless, or drunks, or all of the above.) All this and they don't get lonesome the situation lasts until somebody gets seriously ill. From that day on, it can be an unhappy lonely struggle.

There are many ways to see this, but for many after age 60 or so IMO it is safer to live in the city, or a suburb with unusually good public transit.

Ha

These are reasons I have internal struggle with our future intentions. I would *love* to live out in the woods somewhere (but within reasonable distance of a population base that includes good medical) but that just may not be too smart. I understand that I am only 43 years old, but the fact it that I will be in my 70s (if my luck holds out!) before I know it, and I know that I won't want to deal with the headaches of country living. I am not sure what the actual answer is...but I am thinking of us having a primary place that is within 20-30 of a major medical center and then perhaps having a getaway place that is out in the woods. Or maybe, just VRBO someone else's place when we want to get away.

Ah, decisions, decisions. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT complaining, as a matter of fact, I am quite happy that we have so many choices.

 

[Amethyst]

Enforced "socialization" with people I did not choose, is what I worked hard all my life to be able to avoid. I like people's company a lot, but I also need to be able to shut them out and never see some of them again.

As to the socialization I might "enjoy" there, I've endured it as a guest. I say: "Just get me my frying pan...!"

 

[Nemo2]

I like people's company a lot, but I also need to be able to shut them out and never see some of them again.

+1

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

I like people's company a lot, but I also need to be able to shut them out and never see some of them again.

+2!!!

I am coming up on 3 years retired and didn't realize how much I *wouldn't* miss most of my co-w*rkers. As a matter of fact, one emailed about a month ago telling me that he was back in town permanently and we need to have lunch sometime. I think I would rather visit the dentist.

 

[AltaRed]

I'd suggest some of you are not looking at the right facilities. My mother had a 2 bedroom apartment with complete 'apartment' sized kitchen except for dishwasher. She could and did cook as much as she wanted, and she could socialize, or not socialize, as much as she wanted. What is not to like about that independence?

In some ways she had more independence since there was the 'village' bus to take her to appointments (she had lost her DL by then anyway) in her small town, or to the local Walmart Supercentre or similar. True she'd see people she didn't care for in the dining room for the one big meal a day, but she could have opted out of that too.

Just look for the right 'village'.

 

[Bestwifeever]

What would happen to me, I'm sure, is that I would I would be able to squelch myself just so long...and then I'd end up PNG at the tables and would have to eat by myself in my little room If my room was a great big house full of art, books, and cats, I would not mind a bit, but that dinky little room....I have visited in too many of those, lately. They are all the same. Like little motel rooms. The same bed, night table, multi-photo frames on the wall, "comfortable" chair, durable floor covering....

MIL hated the communal dining in her very nice nursing home in her early 90s, but unless one had a medical reason to avoid it (“swallowing issues” was what her sister-in-law also in the same facility came up with, so an aide brought a tray to her room and sat there quietly while the SIL enjoyed her solitary meal), there was no choice. By the time most of us are in a nursing home our worlds have probably already shrunk to one or two rooms in our own houses and most of us will have been widowed and accustomed to more solitude. It seems almost cruel to make someone live out their last years in such close proximity with strangers and don’t get me started on forcing them to participate in group activities if that hadn’t been their thing already.... But we’ll let DD make that call and go along with it meekly when the time comes, I hope.

 

[bmcgonig]

MIL hated the communal dining in her very nice nursing home in her early 90s, but unless one had a medical reason to avoid it (“swallowing issues” was what her sister-in-law also in the same facility came up with, so an aide brought a tray to her room and sat there quietly while the SIL enjoyed her solitary meal), there was no choice. By the time most of us are in a nursing home our worlds have probably already shrunk to one or two rooms in our own houses and most of us will have been widowed and accustomed to more solitude. It seems almost cruel to make someone live out their last years in such close proximity with strangers and don’t get me started on forcing them to participate in group activities if that hadn’t been their thing already.... But we’ll let DD make that call and go along with it meekly when the time comes, I hope.

It's interesting that when I was looking at nursing homes for my mom, some of the places allowed everyone to eat in their rooms and some didn't. One of the ones that didn't was stricter all around e.g., only certain types of material for the person's personal furniture in the room like vinyl or leather that can be cleaned easily etc. Some were ok with moving from one room to another e.g., if the view was nicer at one end of the building than another and a room opened up. Some were not. One place in particular was very nice but very strict about all of the above, so it just seemed like a management issue.

The dining in her own room was a deal breaker for us. My mom wanted nothing to do with other people while eating.

 

[Totoro]

Didn't read the whole thread, but here's my perspective: I have always had and increasing inertia as well, and I'm only 37!. Moved last year out of Amsterdam, should have done that a few years earlier. Same thing now: I should start moving towards Eindhoven and get a more comfy car, and invest more time looking at New Zealand (going there over the winter).

Interesting part is that the flipside of inertia is impulse control: It brought me much too .. LBYM and saving up a bit.

Thing is that change always hurts and frustrates in the short term in my experience, especially changing geography. Same thing with 'vacation irritation': arranging things to start traveling, getting into a different type of routine, it stings a bit.

 

[Milton]

I also think for a lot of [-]older[/-] people, they fear giving up independence.

Fixed.

In my experience most people value independence, regardless of their age.

 

[Amethyst]

Semantics leads to calling everyone older than oneself "they," as if discussing a separate species. Thus "The Elderly hate to leave their homes" versus "We hate to leave our homes."

Fixed.

In my experience most people value independence, regardless of their age.