It’s harder to leave than it seems

[HealthyFuture]

I don’t read every post on the forum, but I know I’ve read a fair number about departures in which people were sooooo ready to leave their place of work. I haven’t read as many where people found it hard to leave. So I thought I’d share this side of the coin as I go through it so that people know this experience is normal, too.

I made the decision about a year ago that I’d be on my way sometime within the year, roughly age 50. Money seemed on target. Plenty of motivators re health and time left on earth, aging loved ones, etc. And I was feeling all kinds of burnout from the domino effects of the pandemic at work and in general being WAY done with people up
the chain/at the top. As an optimist, I was struggling to bring a positive attitude into the workplace, which just isn’t me.

Fast forward to January - I tell my boss I’ll be leaving this summer. So now it’s real. And my attitude about work begins to change. I get energy and enthusiasm for my work again, like some of my burnout has disappeared. Yes, the people up the chain still annoy the sh*t out of me. But I don’t focus on them. It is like because I know how finite the remaining time is, I have so much gratitude for it, and for my team, even though we are navigating a hard time with some stuff going on. I feel joy solving problems and helping clients and sharing what I know with my team. I see the impact I’ve made over these many years with them, and I see that I could have found this same gratitude, this same attitude, some months earlier if I simply had chosen to take a different perspective.

I end up crying when a deeply-trusted colleague asks me six weeks ago “are you sure?” about leaving, as she knows how much I love our work. I will miss being the leader on whom members of my team lean when things are hard, and with whom they celebrate when we have a win. I will miss sharing my hard-earned knowledge, and getting everyone energized or at least motivated to work in the same direction.

My direct reports have known for as long as I have that I’ll be leaving; it’s just the type of relationship we have (for which I am deeply grateful). We have held this secret for the better part of a year. But this week I will tell their direct reports — the broader team. I bring myself to tears when I walk through in my head the words I plan to say. And I suspect the tears will come when I say them for real.

Leaving my leadership role is more difficult than I’d envisioned it would be. And that is saying a lot as there are some pretty sh*tty things occurring within the broader organization which affect us all.

I do not believe the decision I am making is wrong. But that doesn’t make it easy, either. I would love to hear from anyone out there who found it hard to leave, but all turned out just fine. (If it didn’t turn out fine, skip telling me! [emoji1])

 

[RetiredAt49]

I have a similar story. I was the Director of Engineering for a large software company. I had over 50 direct reports. I have over 100 patents. Spoke at major conferences in front of tens of thousands. Etc.

Retired at 49 (just a few months ago) and it’s been the most enjoyable few months of my life! No more 6 AM or midnight meetings! No more stress and deadlines! No more production outages and mad customers! Every day is a Saturday!

 

[big-papa]

Wow - must be a thing. Engineering Director for a large semiconductor company with about 4 decades in this industry and a bunch of patents too. Had made the decision about a year and a half ago that this summer would be it. Then shortly after that, a bunch of changes in the company, new execs, procedures, etc. and the stress when through the roof. Contemplated moving the timeline up to, well, right about right now. Then early this year, the two levels between me and CEO were replaced, with my direct manager being somebody I've known and respected for years as an internal customer.

Stress dropped immediately. But after thinking more on it, my original reasons for it being this summer had nothing to do with stress, as there was very little of it when I first made that decision. So all the new management did was allow me to mentally reset my decision back to the original timeframe. Had a good talk with my new boss and I agreed to stay however long it takes, within reason, to find and train my replacement. We're all guessing that, at the latest, this would result in my departure end of the year.

Any time after July is fine with me since that's when the last RSU's vest this year and a mini-bonus is paid out. I don't want it to go too long because then we're starting to get dangerously close to next year's Q1 RSU's and I'd prefer not to be tempted....

Cheers,
Big-papa

 

[Aerides]

One thing that's missing in your post (and a common question asked to those planning to ER): What are you retiring to?

What is your life going to look like after you leave the job? Hobbies, friends, family, travel, etc?

I think all of us, despite our moaning about the workplace, have fond memories of the joys and wins and great moments with our teams. The problem solving was absolute candy for me.

But, for me, the candy of non-work life is far sweeter.

 

[RxMan]

Sounds like your still getting fulfillment from your work. Make sure you have a plan to fill at least some of your time in retirement with the things that can provide fulfillment in different ways for you or you might find retirement boring.

Is there any way you could transition into some sort of part time work arrangement? It might keep you engaged without as much stress and burnout because you have more free time. It would also provide a more gradual transition to full retirement down the road.

I’d sit down and think about how you’ll spend your time after you leave work. Then make an honest assessment about whether or not that sounds better to you than continuing to work. If the engagement with the team means that much to you find some way to have similar experiences in retirement.

Good luck to you. I think I’m about five years away from my retirement. In my case I can’t wait but it isn’t because I hate my job. It’s because I have a semi clear plan for what I want to do in retirement and that plan excites me. In fact, if I can figure out a way to do a little work while still implementing my retirement plan I will probably do that just to keep my mind engaged.

My point is it’s all about what you want out of your remaining time on this earth. Retirement planning is more than making sure the money is there although that is important. Good retirement plans have specific goals and items to accomplish. It’s a different kind of time management because you are in complete control.

Good luck and please let us know how things go for you. I’ll be curious to hear the rest of your story!

 

[Gumby]

I enjoyed my career. It was challenging and fulfilling, and I was good at it. I enjoyed virtually all the people with whom I worked and was not stressed or angry at all. But at some point, I came to the realization that my time here is limited and there is still much I want to do. Going to the office every day was putting a real constraint on my ability to accomplish all those other things, so I retired. Retired life is great and I do not miss work at all.

 

[Car-Guy]

I never quit a job that I missed.. I had a number of jobs while in school, I never missed any of them. I really liked my job at mega corp #1 but I never missed it when I went to work for mega corp #2. When I retired from mega corp #2, I pretty much forgot about it on the drive home from my last day on the job.

 

[tmitchell]

I left a job I mainly enjoyed in January. I was high up in the organization and had respect and a fair degree of autonomy (minus the fact it was corporate—oxymoron?). Things grew tiresome with the pandemic and some changes in management that had me retraining another new boss. She was my 4th.

I looked at the numbers and signed out. The lead up was hard, much like you’re saying. But since I left I haven’t missed it one bit—and I was pretty worried I would.

What I’ve come to understand now three months later is that I stopped growing there. Being good at something takes effort, but eventually I got to a place where I was just maintaining. Now that I’m free I get to work on growing something new. Personally I’m still trying to figure out what that is.

Just wanted to chime in and say you’ll be fine. Enjoy & good luck!

 

[CindyBlue]

My hubby and I both found it very hard to leave our profession. We left about three years ago. We are both "type A" personalities and spent most of our time at work. We loved our jobs, were there for over 40 years, and loved the people with whom we worked. It was a joy to be together and part of a great, hardworking team of caring people. We felt valued and appreciated. But trying to fight the new admin and the negativity they were bringing to the workplace became just too much after about five years of trying...and we finally reluctantly left when we realized that we could afford to retire.

Retirement has been great. The first year or so, we had my dad to take care of, so while that was hard, at least it gave us something to do to transition from the hours we use to spend at work. Once that was over, we put the property back together, occupying a lot of time, too. We volunteered at a food bank. We are grateful for all of those experiences, because we didn't have time to regret retiring at the beginning (well, too much, anyway (smile!))

This year, for the first time, we feel "retired," and frankly, it's wonderful. We are slowly starting to do more "out in the world," such as local travel and exploring new restaurants. We have taken up pickleball (not much any more for me because I injured my knee (grrr!) We are starting to make friends away from work - that was a "challenge" because work was pretty much everything for us, plus the pandemic slowed down opportunities to meet new people. We now love our leisurely mornings drinking coffee and reading the paper, and doing chores when we want to, not rushing every weekend to get them done because we had to be at work during the week. We love the late afternoons reading books outside on the back deck. I am finding new crafts to try. We finally have the property at maintenance level, so while we will always have chores, none are immediate, so we can choose to just take a day off if we want to.

What we appreciate more and more is that right now we are healthy and we have the freedom to do what we want when we want to. We know that as we age things will change, so we are deliberately and appreciatively enjoying this freedom as long as we can.

So...if I had any advice for you, based on our experience, it's "go for it" (retirement) but find something to do in the beginning of your retirement that satisfies your need to be busy, that fills the holes. It might be a new sport or an old one in which you want to get more involved, or a side hustle, or home projects you've always meant to do but for which you didn't have the time and energy, or a craft or hobby, or travel. Then you can slow down as it happens naturally over time, and begin to really enjoy the time and freedom you will have to make your own choices without worrying that you need to be "doing something" (smile!)

Congratulations on your upcoming retirement!

 

[pacergal]

As an RN, I loved my job for many years, even when I left bedside nursing and got into management.
Until I didn't anymore. I had a date and when I was a year out, virtually almost all of my stress and worry about the job went away, because I knew I would be leaving and not having to deal with the politics of health care. It was the politics that got to me.
But, I had a plan of what I was going to do in retirement.

When you know you are leaving, yes its hard to tell others, especially those who may rely on you during the workday, but I think its the "knowing" you are going makes staying easier for the time being.

Congratulations on your soon to be Retirement! Think of all the things you want to do and accomplish that you haven't done or couldn't do while working.
Look forward to that first Morning you don't have to slog to work

 

[Callitaday2022]

I'm in a similar boat. Really like my job as a physical therapist, and it's not too hard or stressful at this point, but I like the wkends more! Have a few more months and will then go PRN on call. I will probably take a few months totally off, and then if I want to work a 1-2 days a month I will, if not I won't. As a nurse you could do the PRN gig.

 

[HealthyFuture]

I have a similar story. I was the Director of Engineering for a large software company. I had over 50 direct reports. I have over 100 patents. Spoke at major conferences in front of tens of thousands. Etc.

Retired at 49 (just a few months ago) and it’s been the most enjoyable few months of my life! No more 6 AM or midnight meetings! No more stress and deadlines! No more production outages and mad customers! Every day is a Saturday!

Retiredat49, thank you for this encouraging report a few months down the road! Your job sounds like it was gigantic — as often as I’ve had to work some of the hours you quote, I never had to *attend meetings* at those hours! (Just respond to emergencies.) I look forward to hearing more as you continue to navigate the retirement path!

 

[HealthyFuture]

…But after thinking more on it, my original reasons for it being this summer had nothing to do with stress, as there was very little of it when I first made that decision. So all the new management did was allow me to mentally reset my decision back to the original timeframe.
…
I don't want it to go too long because then we're starting to get dangerously close to next year's Q1 RSU's and I'd prefer not to be tempted....

big-papa, thank you for sharing. It sounds like you’ve been on quite the roller coaster ride with change in leadership. I’m glad that your final supervisor is someone who helps reduce the stress that was coming your way.

Your comment about remembering the original reasons for leaving resonates with me. Members of my family live far, far away and not remotely close to each other, either, and I want to spend more than a hurried week once or twice a year with a parent and once every several years with a sibling. I continue to remind myself that while yes, I am leaving something, I am going toward something very important to me, too.

And stay away from those Q1 RSUs!

 

[HealthyFuture]

One thing that's missing in your post (and a common question asked to those planning to ER): What are you retiring to?

What is your life going to look like after you leave the job? Hobbies, friends, family, travel, etc?

I think all of us, despite our moaning about the workplace, have fond memories of the joys and wins and great moments with our teams. The problem solving was absolute candy for me.

But, for me, the candy of non-work life is far sweeter.

Problem solving as candy — yes, that’s a great description!

I don’t know fully yet what life will look like post-departure, in part because that’s a lot of years ahead, and because I suspect I will discover things I didn’t know I’d like, which is exciting to me. First order of business, though, is spending considerably more time with my parents and my DW and our dog. Visiting my brother and some friends. Focusing on physical fitness and getting in some outdoor adventures, and some travel. I have several volunteer gigs I intend to pursue, and I’m excited to also be able to read more!

I appreciate this note, Aerides! I hope I too find the candy of non-work life sweeter. Thank you for sharing on this forum.

 

[HealthyFuture]

Is there any way you could transition into some sort of part time work arrangement?



I’d sit down and think about how you’ll spend your time after you leave work. Then make an honest assessment about whether or not that sounds better to you than continuing to work. If the engagement with the team means that much to you find some way to have similar experiences in retirement.



Good luck to you. I think I’m about five years away from my retirement. In my case I can’t wait but it isn’t because I hate my job. It’s because I have a semi clear plan for what I want to do in retirement and that plan excites me. In fact, if I can figure out a way to do a little work while still implementing my retirement plan I will probably do that just to keep my mind engaged.



My point is it’s all about what you want out of your remaining time on this earth. Retirement planning is more than making sure the money is there although that is important. Good retirement plans have specific goals and items to accomplish. It’s a different kind of time management because you are in complete control.



Good luck and please let us know how things go for you. I’ll be curious to hear the rest of your story!

Thanks, RxMan. Yes, I will be switching over to part-time work for however many months are needed to help the team manage my and some other transitions, and to help ME manage my transition. I have a secret hope that there will be a budget line for me to help part-time beyond six months so that I can still engage my mind and share my knowledge, but do so on my desired timeline from my desired place of work (more remote) so that I have more flexibility to spend time with family, travel, etc.

I’m curious to know what your plans are: I’ll go in search of your other posts to find out!

Thanks for your kind and empathetic post.

 

[HealthyFuture]

I When I retired from mega corp #2, I pretty much forgot about it on the drive home from my last day on the job.

I laughed out loud when I read this. Huge thanks for that!

 

[HealthyFuture]

, I came to the realization that my time here is limited and there is still much I want to do. Going to the office every day was putting a real constraint on my ability to accomplish all those other things.

^ Yes, this is where I am arriving at.

 

[Jenna]

You are experiencing what it feels like to have FU money. Of course you may mourn the life you are leaving behind, it feel good to be productive and be in a leadership position.

But it's also really fun to walk on the beach in the middle of the day and decide where you want to go for lunch without having to check your phone. Just being able to lose yourself in something new.

And you can always find a new j*b if you get bored

 

[HealthyFuture]

The lead up was hard, much like you’re saying. But since I left I haven’t missed it one bit—and I was pretty worried I would.

What I’ve come to understand now three months later is that I stopped growing there. Being good at something takes effort, but eventually I got to a place where I was just maintaining. Now that I’m free I get to work on growing something new. Personally I’m still trying to figure out what that is.

Just wanted to chime in and say you’ll be fine. Enjoy & good luck!

tmitchell, this was an incredibly useful post for me. Thank you! It’s good to hear from someone who feared/ thought they’d miss work who does not in fact miss it. I can really relate to what you’re saying about maintaining — much of the last handful of years have been about maintaining — not as much opportunity to grow and learn extensively. More learning around the edges sometimes, and that’s just not quite as rewarding.

Thanks for the encouragement.

 

[Yoheadden]

DW and I own a second generation gift store, but have decided to pull the plug for a lot of the reasons you mentioned. It is very difficult to close a family business and walk away from so many customers who tell us that we are their favorite store and hope we never close. A local competitor recently closed, so now we are getting new customers who “found” us and are glad we are here. That being said, no one knows the difficulties and stress that goes into running a small business. I heard going into retirement is like taking a 10 LB weight off of your shoulders. We work 6 days a week and I look forward to the day when we can do what we want, when we want or nothing at all, just because we can. Time becomes much more important than money.

 

[gamboolman]

HF,

I had typed out alot of stuff - most of it was just regurgitating Posts of other members from over the years who expressed similar views / opinions / feelings about leaving a satisfying and fulfilling career.

These pics pretty well sum them all up.

The following may not be applicable to you. Much to my chagrin, It was to me and I have seen it be true for several others.....

This is a picture of a Bucket of Water showing how long it took for the the Hole Left In It to fill up after I pulled my hand out.... The Hole filled in dam quick..... That is similar to most jobs and positions vs people who left.... it will not be long before you are forgotten....

I know for myself this was true. After 43 year in the Oilpatch, I was abit disappointed when the international operations of megaoil corp was able to get along just fine without me when I retired.... ha !

Legend In My Own Mind and all..... ha !

Just sayin.....

All the best upon your pending retirement and new found Next Chapter of Life !

gamboolman....

Retirement is wonderful and

Lifes A Dance And You Learn As You Go....

 

[Bryan Barnfellow]

HealthyFuture,

Yes, your post resonated with me. While I was firmly fixed on my (early) retirement date, after all my wife and I planned and executed this miracle over nearly two decades, I also felt a keen sense of loss. I had given a year's notice so that my employer could find, and I could help train, my replacement. So I had a long glide path. I remember going to meetings around the world and reflecting on the fact that I wouldn't see these faces again, probably ever. There were projects that I created virtually whole cloth, for which I had a very personal sense of ownership. My work identity was an important part of who I was overall.

I had staff (they all knew I was leaving) whom I mentored closely and looked forward to helping grow every day. In fact, I saw my role change over the last years from one weighted a bit more towards personal striving to that of an even more keen focus on helping others reach their potential. Nothing gave me more joy in those years than seeing them rise and gain promotions or even leave for better pay/more responsibility.

It was clear to me that I was going through a process of dealing with loss. I was losing part of my identity, my purpose, my work friends, my work children in a sense (some came to count on me for feedback on personal challenges/issues, which gave me great satisfaction). I had won the game of early retirement, but now I was also losing the playing of the game. Winning the prize means you say goodbye to a lot of the intense thinking about how to win the prize, the habits of mind associated with preparation, planning, dreaming.

I would suggest that perhaps you have entered into the process of grieving for this life you have had and that you are leaving behind--the people, the psychic rewards, the physical trappings. It's real grief, and made more painful by the realization that you chose this path, chose to leave. Also, it's not honored and validated by society at large like other kinds of loss. For example, people who are happy for, or even jealous of, your retirement are in a place that won't ever allow them to understand the sad part that you live with very intensely. It's a lonely kind of grief. I was lucky, my dear spouse and I were on the same wavelength--she understood my grief and was especially sensitive and accommodating.

Over the years my wife and I moved a fair distance a couple of times for my work. She is a poet and so wasn't constrained in her work by place. Each time she would express deep regret about losing the place in which we created a lot of memories and had made friends and grew familiar with physical characteristics. I felt this loss too, and in trying to help her cope better I also helped myself. I reminded her (and us) that we weren't losing Place A, but instead adding Place B (and all it would encompass) to our lives. This helped us both to deal with that feeling of loss--we were expanding our life, not shrinking it. And it only took a few months in the new place to see that this was true. We would embrace the new, but still retain the old as a cherished place that could be revisited. Thus, our life became fuller, richer. It was a good thing.

So, the crying and the melancholy is based on a real sense of loss. It's okay to let yourself experience the melancholy, the sadness. In itself, it can be a valuable experience. But know that you aren't losing all of it. You are adding a new place, your retirement place, which will fill with such new things that you haven't yet even dreamed of.

I left the world of work behind 7 years ago. The memories now aren't wrapped in grief or loss; but instead in wonder and a sense of fulfillment. I'm okay with it all and glad for it all.

-BB

 

[HarryHawk]

I've found that some of my happiest and most carefree days while working were those when I knew I would be leaving a job shortly for one reason or another. I switched jobs and careers several times, all but one where at my choosing.

What is there to worry about when you know soon all the current issues will soon be a problem for someone else.

 

[old medic]

. I would love to hear from anyone out there who found it hard to leave, but all turned out just fine.

I can relate to your feelings... I retired from working with the same small service for 35 years. Many of my co-workers I have helped train, and many are more like family. I had been able to retire, but had stayed a few years longer. When I finally told them, our secretary, who has been there since day one, broke down crying. several wet eyes my last day... I truly loved what I did, and was afraid I would miss it. Figured I could work PT just for the rush of it.... But now after 4 months.... NOT A CHANCE... I have dropped by the station a few times to say hello, get hugs.. occasional phone calls. I'm meeting up with a bunch at shift change for breakfast this morning, hoping the night crew, my old crew will hang around and come to. Its a celebration for 2 of them.... They were the last 2 medic students I helped train, watched them graduate, and now they have passed the state exams and are full fledged Paramedics.

 

[Unpaintedhuffhines]

HealthyFuture, wow, this really rings true to me. Most of the time, I like what I do, but most of all I'll miss the people. My direct reports are great. As of today, I am 143 days away, and I feel like I'm sliding down a slide where I can no longer stop. Yes, I second guess myself, but I have always been incredibly fortunate. My latest fortune is a new boss who is a complete d***. Treats me poorly, acts like I have no idea what I'm doing, unrealistic expectations, talks down to me in group settings. You get the picture. It's a great thing because he is single handedly going to make this very easy for me. Once I get my end of year bonus and batch of RSUs, I'm outta here.

Now if he weren't in the picture, I agree it would be more difficult. But I am convinced that I am finally doing the right thing. You are too. Enjoy the next chapter of your life.