making lawyers look bad

This whole thing is a piss poor example of our legal systems woes.

Yes HFWR, someone had to 'sink' to that level. I'm just surprised it wasnt me. I sort of held back on the lawyer jokes out of (probably temporary) respect for my running mate, Martha.

Considering I sold data processing systems almost exclusively to lawyers for many years, trust me...i've got ALL of the lawyer jokes. And I can go at least 4 levels further down the sink hole than the foreskin joke ;)
 
th said:
.i've got ALL of the lawyer jokes.  And I can go at least 4 levels further down the sink hole than the foreskin joke ;)
Click to expand...
I for one stand ready to embark on this journey (down the sink hole) with you. 
A window seat would be appreciated. ;)
 
Hey, you folks may have the jokes, but I . . . .
 
Alright thats it.

Whats black and brown and looks great on a lawyer?

Rottweiller.

Whats the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyer?

Skid marks in front of the snake.

Whats the definition of a lawyer?

Mouth with an attached life support system.

What do you get when you cross a rat with a snake?

A lawyer with morals.

Did you hear about the post office recalling all their postage stamps depicting famous lawyers?

Everyone kept spitting on the wrong side.

Whats the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?

Lipstick.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 120? Your honor. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Senator.

Whats the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?

Vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

Whats the difference between a lawyer and a jellyfish?

One is a spineless blob of mucous. The other is a form of sea life.

Whats the primary difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

One wakes up in the morning and immediately wants to cluck defiance.
 
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex:confused:!!!!!"


:LOL:
 
What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One is a scum-sucking bottom dweller, and the other's a fish.
 
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000
 
OK, I have heard all of these. :duh:

What I would like is some good left handed engineer jokes.
 
Martha said:
OK, I have heard all of these.   :duh:

What I would like is some good left handed engineer jokes. 
Click to expand...

A left handed  engineering student is walking along when a fellow student arrives on a new bicycle. Impressed, he asks, "Where did you got this beautiful bicycle?"

"Well," the second engineering student says, "A couple of days ago I was just walking along when this georgeous blonde pulls up, hops off the bike, rips off all her clothes, and says 'take what you want'."

The other engineering student nods and says "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
 
A gentleman walks into a lawyer's office and asks him, "How much do you want to answer two questions?"

The lawyer replied, " $500, What is your second question?"
 
The A lawyer gets bored on a plane flight so he turns to the blonde next to him and offers to play a game. They'll each ask a question and if the other doesnt know the answer, they'll pay the other $5 for every answer they dont know.

The blonde aint interested.

Finally the lawyer offers $50 for every question he doesnt know vs $5 every one the blonde cant figure out. The blonde accepts.

The lawyer asks "How far is it in miles from the sun to earth?". Without a word the blonde hands the lawyer $5.

The blonde then asks "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes back down with four?". The lawyer thinks and thinks and thinks and finally gives up, giving the blonde $50.

"So whats the answer?" the lawyer asks.

The blonde hands him another $5.
 
Three French men are scheduled for public execution by guillotine.

The first condemned person, a minister, steps up.  The switch is pulled, but the blade doesn't come down.  The Minister cries out:  "God has saved me -- he knows I'm innocent." 

The officials in charge make the sign of the cross in the face of this miracle and let the Minister go.

The second condemned person is a revolutionary agitator. The switch is pulled but the blade doesn't come down. The guy cries out: "The revolution cannot be
stopped!" In the face of this second miracle, the guy is pardonned.

The third condemned man is a left-handed engineer. He steps up to the guillotine and is ready to put his head into the stocks when he calls out:  "Wait a minute, I think I see your problem."
 
Martha said:
OK, I have heard all of these.   :duh:

What I would like is some good left handed engineer jokes. 
Click to expand...
Three left handed engineering students were sitting around talking between classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human body.

One of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses.

Another disagreed, and exclaimed that it had to have been a mechanical engineer who designed the human body. The system of levers and pullies is ingeniuos.

"No," the third student said "your both wrong. The human body was designed by an architect. Who else but an architect would have put a toxic waste line through a recreation area?"
 
A left-handed engineer, a priest, and a hippie were flying together, when mechanical trouble caused the plane to nosedive. The three notice there were only two parachutes. The l-h engineer proclaimed, "My IQ is over 300, making me the smartest man in the world", upon which he grabbed a parachute, and leapt from the plane.

The priest eyed the hippie, and said, "My son, I'm a man of God, and I'm ready to meet my maker, so you go ahead and take the other parachute."

The hippie, looking amused, replied, "Thank you, Father, for that incredible gesture of kindness and selflessness, but it's not necessary. You see, the smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack..."
 
moghopper said:
I still go with 1/2 as indicated earlier.

if you have
gb
bg
bb

you might be led to think of it as 1/3rd. but in fact, you have to count "bb" x2, which leads to 1/2.
Click to expand...

Flip two fair pennies N times. Expected outcome is
N/4 HH, N/4 HT, N/4 TH, N/4 TT.
Throw out all the TT. 1/3 are HH.
 
moghopper said:
http://www.wiskit.com/marilyn/boys.html
Click to expand...

Marilyn von [idiot] Savant has always irritated me. And she should stay away from advice that doesn't have to do with puzzles. JG, note that she has a one in a million IQ and still ended up making living writing a goofy newpaper column and giving not very well thought out advice to people. And she could have been Albert Einstein. Or Camus. :yawn:
 
A left handed INTJ engineer dies and goes to heaven. :angel:  At the pearly gates there is a bureaucratic error and the angel can't find the engineer's name on the list so she sends him back to hell.

In hell,  >:D the devil has never seen a left handed INTJ engineer, so he puts this one on his staff.  The engineer sees lots of opportunity.  He taps into the energy from the fires of hell, builds huge recreation centers with air-conditioning, swimming pools, bright lights and gambling.  Everyone in hell is having a great time.

In the meantime, God figures out there's been a mistake and goes down to talk with the devil.  He tells him he has to shut down the casinos and rec centers and send the engineer back where he belongs.

"No." the devil says simply.   >:D  "What are you going to do about it?"

God says, "Send us the engineer or I'll sue." :angel:

:LOL: :LOL: :LOL: The devil laughs and laughs. >:D  Then he asks God, "Where will you find a lawyer?"
 
Three left handed intj engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"
 
Caroline said:
Three French men are scheduled for public execution by guillotine.
The first condemned person, a minister, steps up.  The switch is pulled, but the blade doesn't come down.  The Minister cries out:  "God has saved me -- he knows I'm innocent." 
The officials in charge make the sign of the cross in the face of this miracle and let the Minister go.
The second condemned person is a revolutionary agitator. The switch is pulled but the blade doesn't come down. The guy cries out: "The revolution cannot be
stopped!" In the face of this second miracle, the guy is pardonned.
The third condemned man is a left-handed engineer. He steps up to the guillotine and is ready to put his head into the stocks when he calls out:  "Wait a minute, I think I see your problem."
Click to expand...
A lawyer, a priest, and a left-handed engineer are unjustly convicted and put on death row.

When the warden leads them to the "Ol' Sparky" room, he tells the lawyer to strap in first. The lawyer says "I believe in our country's legal system and its principles of justice. I won't be electrocuted!" The switch is thrown, nothing happens, and the lawyer is freed.

The priest sits down and says "I believe in a just and merciful God, and I won't be electrocuted!" A few seconds later he's free too.

The engineer sits down, looks around, and says "Hey, I had a couple EE courses in college. You'll never electrocute anyone until you connect those two wires."

(I've also seen a version floating around concerning Texas A&M alumni. But I'm not going there.)
 
Martha said:
Marilyn  von [idiot] Savant has always irritated me.  And she should stay away from advice that doesn't have to do with puzzles.  JG, note that she has  a one in a million IQ and still ended up making living writing a goofy newpaper column and giving not very well thought out advice to people.  And she could have been Albert Einstein.  Or Camus.   :yawn:
Click to expand...

You misspelled her name and I doubt you know Camus from Lorenzo Lamas.
Anyway, she has an easy gig. So what?

JG
 
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