My son wants to me to help pay for his very expensive wedding? How much?

[RobbieB]

My first marriage was shortly after I moved to CA on my first job out of school. My wife moved from Oregon. We got married at the chapel of the fountain located right in Circus-Circus Hotel & Casino, Las Vegas, NV.

Cost $185 including photos, bouquet, boutonniere, and an audio cassette of the vows.

My parents weren't paying for it, her parents weren't paying for it, we were paying for it.

We invited all our friends. Buy your own airplane rides, rent your own hotel!

Her ma, pa and sister attended. We then flew out to Detroit for an after reception with my family.

Woo-hoo!

 

[pjigar]

Can your son really afford this girl?

That was the first question that popped in my mind! We have a saying in our town that "Marry a girl from a poorer family and everyone will be happy".


Besides that I would communicate how much I can contribute comfortably ASAP so they can plan. Its better to not let the expectations and pressure grow more than it already has.

 

[Surewhitey]

No to the question, however... I'd give something if I can afford it.

We gave DD a budget and she spent less than. All the family helped with the dress, flowers, cake and pictures (very talented bunch). Then we surprised her with paying for the honeymoon.

She pocketed a couple grand as we told her to keep what she didn't spend...

Adjust for inflation, probably around $25k today for appx 125 people & country club reception (no bar).

 

[karen1972]

No.

You must have some idea of what you had planned to spend on your childs wedding, thats the number I'd tell your son and not be pressured into anything else. Your son and his new wife need to learn to live within their means and budget or life is going to be very rough unless they plan on their parents supporting them.

 

[brett]

It always surprises me when people say you should spend the same on each childs wedding, education, whatever or somehow make it even with money.

We absolutely do not believe this should necessarily be the case. Does it not depend on the circumstances, timing, choices, etc??

We spent more on our son's education than our daughters. Because of their respective choices. Should we compelled to make it even by giving the difference in funding to our daughter? I think not.

We have an edu fund for our three grandchildren. Our son has no children and no plans. Should we give him extra money to make up for this difference? I do not think so. The offer was to pay for grandchildren's post secondary. No matter if it is one, two, three, or none each.

We feel absolutely no pressure to treat them equally in all respects from a financial perspective. And we do not. They are different people with different circumstances, different lifestyles.

The exact same applies to weddings. Our daughter's was relatively next to zero cost. $5-8K At some point should our son decide to get married does this imply that we should treat him in the same manner and limit our funding to a similar amount? Or....does it imply that IF we do fund him we should pass on to our daughter an financial gift equal to what we fund our son?

I hardly think so. Our children certainly do not expect it.

As for 'keeping up with the Jones'....that is often a nonsensical recipe for financial disaster and the very last reason we would have for expending funds.

 

[SJ1_]

My son wants me to help pay for his very expensive wedding. But how much is enough?

Even though I am semi-retired and trying to be financially independent there are still many unexpected expenses and family demands for me to spend a lot of my money.

My son- who is in his mid-20s- has found his dream woman and has announced his engagement. His fiancee is a very cultured woman who grew up in a wealthy family and expects the best the world has to offer. Her parents have given her $50,000 for the wedding, reception, and honeymoon and they are planning an incredible event and honeymoon. They expect to invite about 250 of their closest most personal friends and relatives. The wedding and reception will be at a very exclusive Country Club and the honeymoon will be 5 Star.

$50K won't pay for the event and they need more money. My wife and I are under extreme pressure to pay up to another $40K for the event. So we can closely match his fiancee's parents' contribution.

The issue really comes to extreme pressure to match the contribution of the brides' parents. My son says that is the tradition and all his other friends had the same arrangement. He has gone to about a dozen weddings in the last five years and all of them were very expensive affairs, so he feels a need to keep up with his friends.

Would you as an early retired parent feel pressured to help pay for a fancy wedding and honeymoon if the fiancee's parents paid a large amount also?

NO

If u do give in this will not be the last time


good luck

 

[freedomatlast]

His fiancee is a very cultured woman who grew up in a wealthy family and expects the best the world has to offer.

The wedding cost may be the least of their problems.

Your son should give a lot of thought about what his life will be like trying to meet those expectations forever.

 

[SJhawkins]

No.

Nothing better then some grub off a smoker, a keg or two and a good band, wait that was our wedding 30+ years ago! We paid for most of it!

So much to be said starting off without 2 nickles to rub together, truly blessed.

Again to the OP, not to be brash but heck no

 

[Jerry1]

No.

Nothing better then some grub off a smoker, a keg or two and a good band, wait that was our wedding 30+ years ago! We paid for most of it!

So much to be said starting off without 2 nickles to rub together, truly blessed.

Again to the OP, not to be brash but heck no

Well, since OP has gone traveling, I guess a little thread drift won’t hurt. This reminds me of the wedding that I affectionately refer to as “the greatest wedding ever”. To say it was a simple wedding is almost an understatement.

The wedding was at a church with reception to follow. The wedding started on time. We sat down. They played one song using a cd player/boom box. The preacher married them. The bride was kissed. We walked down the hall to where the church ladies had put together a spread of southern fried chicken and sides. The wedding took no more than 15 minutes (I wish I’d have timed it), and we were eating. THE BEST WEDDING EVER!

I’m guessing the biggest expense was the gratuity to the preacher.

 

[RobbieB]

We went to one at a city community center. The drinking and eating began before the wedding. The guests were holding beer cans during the ceremony. The bride wore a dress making her ample bosom evident.

We left but the after party ended up at a bar where the groom got into a fist fight with a guy hitting on the bride. Who did look like a prostitute in a wedding dress.

 

[MarieIG]

Our first wedding was officiated by a Clerk in the Courthouse on Queens Blvd, Queens. There was one witness and the three of us went out for lunch afterward. I wore a green velvet jacket, black genie pants, and elf-like black booties.

I mentioned to my parents a few months later that I was married, and to my surprise, DM arranged a church wedding with family and friends invited. My parents paid for the wedding. One of our neighbors owned a catering hall and gave it to them for the cost of food, $25 per person, for 75 people. (It was cheaper than restaurants my mother and I had visited.) We paid for a DJ. I don't regret either wedding - I will never forget the look on DH's face when he saw me in "my" wedding gown. (It had been DM's, I never expected to wear it or even like it, but it was amazing. She broke the bank on it, back in the day, lol.)

 

[Souschef]

DW and I were married on Santorini during a cruise. I called my mother up when we got close enough to shore to have cell service.
I told her we had just got married, and she said,"I'm sweating". I still do not know what that meant

 

[youbet]

My first marriage was shortly after I moved to CA on my first job out of school. My wife moved from Oregon. We got married at the chapel of the fountain located right in Circus-Circus Hotel & Casino, Las Vegas, NV.

Cost $185 including photos, bouquet, boutonniere, and an audio cassette of the vows.

My parents weren't paying for it, her parents weren't paying for it, we were paying for it.

We invited all our friends. Buy your own airplane rides, rent your own hotel!

Her ma, pa and sister attended. We then flew out to Detroit for an after reception with my family.

Woo-hoo!

You sure know how to BTD Robbie. We were MUCH less extravagant.

DW to-be was living in a nice 3 bedroom apartment in Evanston with 2 roommates and teaching special needs students in the Chicago Public School system.

I was living alone in a 1 bedroom walk-up on Chicago's NW side and working second shift in a factory farther into the city.

After a rather volatile period of attempted wedding planning where nothing ever seemed to get accomplished, we decided to elope. DW to-be took Friday off work and I managed to get out at lunch time, about 8 pm. She used the day to get ready for the "big event." I met a buddy about 10 pm and we went out drinking, getting back to my place in the wee hours.

Saturday morning, DW to-be, her roommates, my single buddy and a married buddy and his wife met at DW to-be's church and the assistant pastor got us hitched. I think I gave the pastor $20 which pretty much represented the entire cost of the wedding.

We all drove out to the OHare Marriott where our friends bought a round or two at the bar and took off. We checked in, took a swim, went to dinner and, well, you know the rest. Sunday we moved DW's stuff from her apartment in Evanston to my flat in Chicago. Monday morning....... back to work!

Sometime during that week, we told our dads. They were both very pleased. We didn't hear from our mothers for many months!

That was 52.5 years ago. Time flies.......

 

[RobbieB]

Yeah, life was much simpler and cheaper when we were young.

 

[oldtrig]

You sure know how to BTD Robbie. We were MUCH less extravagant.

DW to-be was living in a nice 3 bedroom apartment in Evanston with 2 roommates and teaching special needs students in the Chicago Public School system.

I was living alone in a 1 bedroom walk-up on Chicago's NW side and working second shift in a factory farther into the city.

After a rather volatile period of attempted wedding planning where nothing ever seemed to get accomplished, we decided to elope. DW to-be took Friday off work and I managed to get out at lunch time, about 8 pm. She used the day to get ready for the "big event." I met a buddy about 10 pm and we went out drinking, getting back to my place in the wee hours.

Saturday morning, DW to-be, her roommates, my single buddy and a married buddy and his wife met at DW to-be's church and the assistant pastor got us hitched. I think I gave the pastor $20 which pretty much represented the entire cost of the wedding.

We all drove out to the OHare Marriott where our friends bought a round or two at the bar and took off. We checked in, took a swim, went to dinner and, well, you know the rest. Sunday we moved DW's stuff from her apartment in Evanston to my flat in Chicago. Monday morning....... back to work!

Sometime during that week, we told our dads. They were both very pleased. We didn't hear from our mothers for many months!

That was 52.5 years ago. Time flies.......

Mine was 52 years ago and cost a total of $5.00 out the door lol

My wife's parents , well lets just say not happy. We are still together today .

My answer to original poster would be a big NO

 

[wrigley]

Nope

 

[old medic]

I have come to the conclusion that marriage ceremonies should be modest affairs - rent the hall under the church, have cake and other nibbles, punch,
At 25 years and when the grand kids are old enough to help out, it's time for the big bash.

You just described our wedding in 1986...
Wife made her own dress. We made meat and cheese trays for finger sandwiches, Grandfather smoked some roast beef. Brothers chipped in on a 1/4 Keg of beer. Married at our church, borrowed tables and chairs from the FD and held the reception in our yard. No honeymoon perse...

25th anniversary our kids planned a surprise party, rented a youth center, huge spread, and 5-6 times as many folks as the original wedding.

 

[Markola]

Danger, Will Robinson.

 

[DawgMan]

Only read page 1 of the thread, but it appears OP got allot of "hell to the no's!" which I can definitely appreciate. OP - based on what you described, it sounds like you (or your son) may have bigger possible issues. It sounds like Dream Girl is driving the bus and understand your son does not want to disappoint, but perhaps some sound premarital counseling might be in call for, otherwise, he may have some challenges fulfilling her lifestyle once married... just reading between the lines based on what you have disclosed.

That said, I fall in the old school camp (bride's side pays for wedding/groom for rehearsal). Now, what you choose to contribute is totally up to you, but you need to set some boundaries. I have married off 2 of my 4 kids (and still have 2 girls yet to go!). In my case, I did allot of research/soul searching as to what budget I was going to set for my DD's wedding 7 years ago as I knew I had 2 other girls taking notes! I set a hard budget at around $55K consciously knowing I would be spending that (plus some inflation on my other 2 DDs) in the future. In my son's case, the bride's side had limited resources and they both paid about 1/2 of the costs themselves... I never got a request. I did pay for a nice rehearsal dinner (about 50 people) and provide some $$ for a house down payment as a little bit of an equalizer, but I believe I was around $25K all in about 5 years ago.

You got to do what's right for you, but don't cave on peer pressure.

Good luck!

 

[wmc1000]

We had 2 daughters who all got married in the last 10 years. We spent a total of less than $20K for the 3 weddings in total. They all got a check from us up front and were told if it cost more, it was up to them. 1 SIL's family gave us $400 towards the bar cost.

They all had nice weddings and only 1 of them had to spend some of their own money when all was said and done. And all 3 are still married to this day!

 

[CRLLS]

Wedding costs are all over the map. SIL got married at the county courthouse by a judge. DW and I got married in the church and had a dinner in the basement hall, and later a few close family members back at DW's family home for drinks. And then there are destination weddings. WTF is that all about?

When our DS2 got married, it was a very small group. We did the traditional thing and paid for the rehearsal dinner and the bar bill. His wife's family covered the rest of the costs. It was a very nice time and not expensive at all.

Later, when DS1 got married about 6 years back, they came to us asking to help out with the costs. They told us the budget and what the bride's family was contributing. We matched that with the caveat of if it grows over their estimate, it was on them. It too was a very nice wedding. all in it was a bit more than we would have liked but wasn't a strain on our financial situation. We don't regret doing that for a minute.

 

[pjigar]

Since everyone is chiming in with their wedding stories, here goes: Our first wedding was in front of a County judge with 3 of DW's friends as witnesses. Only cost from me was wedding permit fee, a rose and a gold necklace: A grand total of $307. We eloped and hence a low key wedding. After the dust with the families settled, our "official wedding" was in a community temple hall. DW's family paid for the wedding and I had my friends as photographer/videographer. Honeymoon drive to the Key West, FL and stayed at a Days Inn.

 

[Crewer]

My initial thoughts were similar to those of Dawgman. I'd worry that unless your son makes alot of money, his eagerness to spend beyond his means to please his fiance could mean they will continue to live above their means.

I fully understand how a wedding of reasonable size plus honeymoon can cost $50k. $90k is outside my brainpower unless you have huge families on both sides. But I don't want to try to think about spending more than I could afford.

 

[Aerides]

A couple of thoughts:

The "bride side pays" thing strikes me as a bit off balance and out of date, harkening back to days of dowries. Better to start on even footing IMO. Even better if both families are on the same page, like each other, and are committed to helping their offspring launch together into a happy marriage.

A scenario like the OP paints is unrealistic (the in laws coughing up $50k for a $100k wedding without consulting with their counterparts...in 2022? What?) Clearly you don't hardly know these people who are about to join your family. He doesn't appear to know his son very well, and far less the future DIL, and has he even met her parents?

And any of us would have have raised our kids with expectations, and re-cemented them at the announcement of the engagement, if not before. No surprises.

 

[iloveyoga]

I think I am in a whole different orbit here. Family and friend's weddings have been quite modest. DH and I had our reception in our small backyard with snacks and beer. Almost 40 years ago.

When our two sons were married we paid for the rehearsal dinners (like pizza and beer) and the tuxes. And a small cash gift.

So my answer would of course be no and we don't have that kind of extra money. But I have read a lot of these posts and realize there are many different traditions and circumstances involved.