Owning Home vs. Independent Living

[RetiredHappy]

This is pre-mature but I sometimes think about it.

Assuming my husband goes before I do, I have to make a decision as to where I want to live. My son would like me to move in with him and he won't want to move out of his home. We have had that conversation about it. With his disability (ASD), changes are hard and I won't want to move into his small home, and climb stairs to go up to the bedrooms.

I can remain in my home but the concern is that it will be much too stressful and difficult for him to sort through my stuff and list it for sale after I die. I am in a different state from his. We have a ton of art work and nice stuff. We belong to the country club here and I golf alot but I am willing to give it up.

I have 4 options:
- Remain in my home and he will have to deal with the sale of my home when I die. Not a preferred choice.
- Sell my home, buy another home closer to his home. Decorate minimally. Probably easier to prepare the home for sale if the home is sparsely furnished. Golf at public courses.
- Sell my home, buy another home in his city, like a Del Webb with golf courses. Decorate minimally.
- Sell my home. Move into a nice independent living cottage in his city without worrying that he will have to sell my home after I die. Assuming that I am allowed to keep my car. Golf at public courses.

Money is not a concern. I want it to be easier for him to handle my affairs after I pass.

Thoughts?

 

[aja8888]

- Sell my home, buy another home closer to his home. Decorate minimally. Probably easier to prepare the home for sale if the home is sparsely furnished. Golf at public courses.

This is what I am doing after losing my wife last December. I just sold our house in a 55+ community and I am buying a much smaller house (new) and will still be close to my daughter. I am playing public (and some private) golf courses. I have gotten rid of 1/2 of our belongings as the new (much smaller) house won't be appropriate or have room for them.

I considered moving back East to old and familiar areas, but gave up the idea.

At almost 80, I have no plans to remarry. DD can sell or rent out the smaller house after I am gone.

 

[Music Lover]

Option 4

 

[W2R]

I am suggesting to F and my DD that if/when I die first, they will need a realtor. The realtor can arrange an estate sale with an estate sale company, and then afterwards hire workers to put what's left into a dumpster, paying them from the estate sale proceeds. Then also pay to have it cleaned, and put it on the market.

Sounds like a lot, but realtors here will do that.

 

[pacergal]

We know DD will have a terrible time selling our house (my Dad built it, and we raised our kids here also). We don't want to set up DS to have to deal with her emotions!
So we think our plan is to sell sometime in the next 10-15 years. Probably rent for a year to decide exactly what we want--smaller home or continue renting, regular neighborhood, senior living, etc. Lots of decisions!

 

[rkser]

Option 5

Sell/Donate downsize your stuff now, sell your house , move buy/rent into a smaller ground level condo or smaller house, with future age appropriate modifications in the present neighborhood / Town,

Then in your downsized house /condo, furnish sparingly, try to maintain your present friends, Club memberships, etc, making newer friends becomes hard as we all age.

i.e do not mess up your present lifestyle you enjoy, thinking about potential problems in the future. When & if needed be open to a assisted care facility.

When you pass you pass, selling a smaller house with fewer furnishings will be less of a problem.

Wish you well,

 

[Amethyst]

Although it is not really answering OP's question - one tangential thing that does not concern me, is others "going through all the stuff" after I die.

Quite a bit of my "stuff" is truly or potentially valuable, and thus worth going through.
Valuable or not, everything can be sold via online auction - in fact, I did this with our basement, garage, and shed when moving from MD to FL. Even old carpets got hauled off by people who paid a couple dollars for the privilege. This was AFTER I'd paid others hundreds of dollars to haul away furniture and other items, that I later realized probably would have sold readily at the online sale.

It's best to have a real estate agent guide this process, as W2R suggested. They will do it, if they think it's worth their while.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I would stay where you are because you are happy there. You can always downsize your stuff if you have too much while still living there. As others have mentioned you can hire a realtor to handle everything so your son won’t be burdened. Finding your tribe is not always possible after a move. There’s no way I would give up my friends and home if I was happy.

 

[Sunset]

A relative died far from everyone. His daughter came by, stayed for 5 days.
Looked through house for papers, $$, photos, and boxed them.
Arranged real estate agent and auctioneer to take rest of house for auction and disposal.
Put house up for sale.
She shipped the boxes of photos to her place then left, and house sold in a few months.

Wasn't too hard really... Get used to the fact that all the valuable treasures a person has are worth 10cents on the dollar, and are not valued by others.

IF you have a Mona Lisa painting, sell it now, see how hard it really is to sell something at a good price and how practically everyone does not value it the same amount, if at all.

 

[RetMD21]

I think option 4 would be the easiest for your son. I guess you have to balance living your best life and his needs. We are downsizing stuff without a definite plan about the next phase. Not exactly minimalism but trying to move away from maximalism.

 

[MarieIG]

Seriously, I love my kiddos, but am not tossing stuff I enjoy, or living in a place I don't want, because they might have to go through it. If they don't want to, they can always hire someone to go through the stuff, sell it, and sell the house.

You can always provide for a professional executor in your will to take care of the sale of your stuff - giving your son an option to keep anything he so chooses.

You may want to look into ways to potentially increase your income following the demise of your spouse.

 

[aja8888]

Seriously, I love my kiddos, but am not tossing stuff I enjoy, or living in a place I don't want, because they might have to go through it. If they don't want to, they can always hire someone to go through the stuff, sell it, and sell the house.

You can always provide for a professional executor in your will to take care of the sale of your stuff - giving your son an option to keep anything he so chooses.

You may want to look into ways to poteI ntially increase your income following the demise of your spouse.

I can tell you right now that my DD doesn't want anything I have, even the family heirlooms which I have dragged around for 60 years. I did make her take one rare (and meaningful) piece, but she took it reluctantly. Most of the 50 year old, heavy, expensive furniture I got rid of went to Habitat for Humanity (gifted).

My departed wife's stuff, mostly from her previous marriage, went to her daughters, but they were not enamoured to get it. The old pictures and historical stuff of hers was taken, but I doubt they will do anything with it. It seemed like they were doing me a favor to take it.

Wife's clothing and accessories went to the Montgomery County Woman's Shelter and they were thrilled to get it.

I'm essentially starting over, and want a clean slate to kick off my new life (what's left of it)

 

[RetiredHappy]

We just bought our current home 2 years ago and got it exactly how we want it, pool renovation, custom gas firepit and bathrooms renovation, wrought ironed gates, smart home etc. So now, we are not moving now. Our home is like a resort and we live in a resort community. It is a decision for years down the line.

 

[aja8888]

We just bought our current home 2 years ago and got it exactly how we want it, pool renovation, custom gas firepit and bathrooms renovation, wrought ironed gates, smart home etc. So now, we are not moving now. Our home is like a resort and we live in a resort community. It decision is for years down the line.

Sounds great! You should be happy there.

It is amazing how things change once you lose your spouse.

A data point I can give you is we lived in a very nice 55+ community with lots of activities. But it was surprising to me the number of widows living there vs, widowed men. Probably a 5 to 1 ratio from the calculations I made using the community resident list and estimates from neighbors. Seems like most men move out right after the wife passes and the women seem to stay.

 

[RetiredHappy]

For someone with ASD, making decisions can be very difficult so I am trying to minimize his stress level and indecision for him. Again, money is not an issue and there is not a need to increase my income after my spouse passes away, if he goes before me.

 

[RetiredHappy]

Thank you to everyone has shared their thoughts. They have been very helpful.

 

[W2R]

Get used to the fact that all the valuable treasures a person has are worth 10cents on the dollar, and are not valued by others.

IF you have a Mona Lisa painting, sell it now, see how hard it really is to sell something at a good price and how practically everyone does not value it the same amount, if at all.

+1

I absolutely adore art, both paintings and sculptures, and also like most of us here I am always conscious of LBYM. So, I had a lot of fun when I first had my own house to furnish, looking all over the area for inexpensive art work that I like. The most I spent for a painting was $75, and most of them I got for $20 or less. In that price range, I'd have to shop around in junk shops and used furniture stores and such, and look at hundreds to find just one I like a lot. But that was a big part of the fun!

So, the last time I saw my DD I made sure she understood that. My art may LOOK like it's worth something (at least, it does to me), but really none of it is worth much at all.

 

[Dtail]

Option 5

Sell/Donate downsize your stuff now, sell your house , move buy/rent into a smaller ground level condo or smaller house, with future age appropriate modifications in the present neighborhood / Town,

Then in your downsized house /condo, furnish sparingly, try to maintain your present friends, Club memberships, etc, making newer friends becomes hard as we all age.

i.e do not mess up your present lifestyle you enjoy, thinking about potential problems in the future. When & if needed be open to a assisted care facility.

When you pass you pass, selling a smaller house with fewer furnishings will be less of a problem.

Wish you well,

I kind of like this idea.

 

[Katiek]

I'd vote for the one that makes you happiest for your own living arrangements. For me, that would likely be 3 or 4. As i get older, I want to be prepared to deal with medical issues or issues that might limit my mobility, while still interacting with people (and minimizing required stairs). You may prefer keeping your own house, but I like the idea of having some support as I get older. But it should be the choice that will bring you the most peace and satisfaction.



However, you can do things to help with the settlement process no matter which option you choose. There are services that will help clean out homes, and you can make arrangements with a third party executor to do a house sale (for a fee).. Some lawyers will act as executors for additional fees, or they may have recommendations.



You can downsize certain personal property in advance and give it to people or organizations who can benefit.


It is kind and thoughtful to try to make things easier for him, but you can do that while still choosing the lifestyle option you'll enjoy most for your own sake.

 

[Dash man]

For someone with ASD, making decisions can be very difficult so I am trying to minimize his stress level and indecision for him. Again, money is not an issue and there is not a need to increase my income after my spouse passes away, if he goes before me.

We’ve put our home in a Trust with the Schwab Trust Company as successor trustee to take care of property sales after the boys take what they want, which isn’t much. But they won’t have to deal with it themselves.
My father used a local private college as coexecutor to take care of the house and it worked well. They received 1/4 of the residual value of the home for their efforts.

 

[RetiredHappy]

We’ve put or home in a Trust with the Schwab Trust Company as successor trustee to take care of property sales after the boys take what they want, which isn’t much. But they won’t have to deal with it themselves.
My father used a local private college as coexecutor to take care of the house and it worked well. They received 1/4 of the residual value of the home for their efforts.

Thanks. Definitely alot to think about.

My ideal option which I did not list is to buy a moderate size home in his area, with a dual masters, or like next gen type home, and have him move in with me. He can have the main house while I take the "in-law" portion. That way, there is not even a need to sell the home after I die. I was making suggestions for him to sell his home somewhere down the line, and he basically said he has no plans to ever move out of his home.

He is the most important person in my life and I will do anything, within legal limits, for him.

 

[Act2]

As you and your son age and live together under your ideal plan, could either of you be the caregiver for the other if needed, or would you have the resources to pay a caregiver for one or both of you if needed? Assuming yes to either, and if it is your ideal plan, is your hesitance only that you are not sure he would move into a new home with you? If he would be willing to move in with you and if it is your ideal plan, is there another hurdle?

I am for doing what you want as long as you think it will make you happiest and as long as it is reasonably practical as to both financial and lifestyle issues.

 

[RetiredHappy]

As you and your son age and live together under your ideal plan, could either of you be the caregiver for the other if needed, or would you have the resources to pay a caregiver for one or both of you if needed? Assuming yes to either, and if it is your ideal plan, is your hesitance only that you are not sure he would move into a new home with you? If he would be willing to move in with you and if it is your ideal plan, is there another hurdle?

I am for doing what you want as long as you think it will make you happiest and as long as it is reasonably practical as to both financial and lifestyle issues.

It's never the plan to be a caregiver for either one. I have an excellent LTCI policy. He will never have to worry about money. It is more of we want to live together to provide companionship to one another. But he won't move simply because changes are very hard for him. He has gotten into the routine of having his own place, paying his own bills and going to work. He is insistent that I move in with him but it is really going to be extremely uncomfortable for me to do that. I am used to larger homes that provide a large bubble for everyone. His home is 1400 sq ft, 3 BR and 2 and 1/2 BA. I do have a permanent room and bathroom at his home where I stay when I visit him.

I used to live in a 4600 sq ft home, with a custom indoor pool, before we moved. Our home of 3000 sq ft is perfect for my husband and me now.

So if he won't move, my option will be to move close to him so that I can see him more often. He will never marry and will always be alone.

 

[Act2]

Understand the conundrum. Sufficient personal space plus no stairs would be essential for me, too, in such a situation.

 

[Letj]

I have relatives with ASD. This would be a gigantic and overwhelming task for your son. Please make it as seamless as possible. I vote for option 4, especially if you’d like to spend more time around your son.