steady saver
Recycles dryer sheets
- Joined
- Apr 10, 2013
- Messages
- 498
This has been quite a year!
Please be prepared that this is a purge more than anything. I'm not expecting any ideas really. I just need to vent.
DH retired just over a year ago. His sweet dad passed away 6 months later at age 80 after dealing with many years of health issues. He and my MIL were living in an assisted living center at the time. MIL has long-term degenerative disease and will likely live perhaps another 3 years but who knows. She is now in a skilled nursing facility. She has LTC that is covering most of her expenses.
My father (just turned 91) fell in Sept and is still in rehab center though was released a week ago...trying to move him to skilled nursing but Covid lockdown put the breaks on that. Now my mother (84) is showing signs of dementia that she had previously been able to hide.
I know none of this is anything new. Except it is to us. My dad has some dementia, with memory and decision making worse since the fall but he is still sharp about some things. The challenge is that my father, a wonderful man is so many respects, can also be extremely challenging and demanding. The other challenge is that my father who has always, always prided himself on his financial prowess did not, it turns out, plan well financially. He planned just fine if both he and mom were to die blissfully in their sleep with few health issues to precede them. It has been an emotional nightmare. My parents have enough money for my dad to be in a skilled nursing center for about 3 years. They own their own home. Their monthly income should mostly support my mother once he passes (within 3 years!) but her memory issues are becoming very, very apparent and I am already thinking "memory care." She is literally "deer in the headlights" about simple things. That has me concerned. I am in a different state. I have two sisters within 30 min of my parents and another sibling also out of state. We are dividing tasks up as much as possible and I'm so grateful that is going relatively well.
I know I'm rambling. Here are the two things that go round and round in my head:
1. We're in the process of applying for VA benefits for my dad (he served for 4 years in the Air Force). If he gets them, then there's a facility in their city, closer to one of my sisters. But it generally doesn't have private rooms available but it gets good reviews. If he qualifies she'd be paying roughly $1300 a month verses $6500 a month at the facility he's about to move into. My mom will not consider that AT ALL, and my dad irrationally says they'll both just move to Mexico "where care is cheap." Two of my sisters (one who is definitely not in a position to help out financially and the other doubtful) agree with my parents that he should not consider the VA option. Geez
2. I admit I'm just angry. We have LBYM our 34 years of marriage, have just retired and are just now on the cusp of doing things that actually cost money. My parents weren't super extravagant but they didn't deny themselves either. They traveled extensively (over 50 trips to Hawaii, some for months at a time...), bought nicer cars than we have. In the meantime, My DH has a 50% chance of inheriting the same disease his mom has. Work is behind us and I want to do all those things we planned for and dreamed about. I figure we have about 10 years before his illness would really start to kick in if he has inherited the gene. (And no, we don't want to know b/c there's nothing we can do about it if he has it) We don't have LTC insurance but have planned and prepared for his care and mine as well. We do not want to be a burden to our children. I want to finally DO the things we've dreamed of and yet I find myself feeling guilty b/c it might possibly require my dad to move to a different skilled nursing facility if he lives more than 3 years. I've already resolved that my mom will likely need substantial financial help and I'm preparing for that. But I'm less inclined to jump in to rescue my dad b/c the facility he ends up in isn't his first pick.
I want both parents to "finish strong." I'm just wrestling with what that means for both them and us.
Thanks for letting me vent. It's strangely helpful.
Please be prepared that this is a purge more than anything. I'm not expecting any ideas really. I just need to vent.
DH retired just over a year ago. His sweet dad passed away 6 months later at age 80 after dealing with many years of health issues. He and my MIL were living in an assisted living center at the time. MIL has long-term degenerative disease and will likely live perhaps another 3 years but who knows. She is now in a skilled nursing facility. She has LTC that is covering most of her expenses.
My father (just turned 91) fell in Sept and is still in rehab center though was released a week ago...trying to move him to skilled nursing but Covid lockdown put the breaks on that. Now my mother (84) is showing signs of dementia that she had previously been able to hide.
I know none of this is anything new. Except it is to us. My dad has some dementia, with memory and decision making worse since the fall but he is still sharp about some things. The challenge is that my father, a wonderful man is so many respects, can also be extremely challenging and demanding. The other challenge is that my father who has always, always prided himself on his financial prowess did not, it turns out, plan well financially. He planned just fine if both he and mom were to die blissfully in their sleep with few health issues to precede them. It has been an emotional nightmare. My parents have enough money for my dad to be in a skilled nursing center for about 3 years. They own their own home. Their monthly income should mostly support my mother once he passes (within 3 years!) but her memory issues are becoming very, very apparent and I am already thinking "memory care." She is literally "deer in the headlights" about simple things. That has me concerned. I am in a different state. I have two sisters within 30 min of my parents and another sibling also out of state. We are dividing tasks up as much as possible and I'm so grateful that is going relatively well.
I know I'm rambling. Here are the two things that go round and round in my head:
1. We're in the process of applying for VA benefits for my dad (he served for 4 years in the Air Force). If he gets them, then there's a facility in their city, closer to one of my sisters. But it generally doesn't have private rooms available but it gets good reviews. If he qualifies she'd be paying roughly $1300 a month verses $6500 a month at the facility he's about to move into. My mom will not consider that AT ALL, and my dad irrationally says they'll both just move to Mexico "where care is cheap." Two of my sisters (one who is definitely not in a position to help out financially and the other doubtful) agree with my parents that he should not consider the VA option. Geez
2. I admit I'm just angry. We have LBYM our 34 years of marriage, have just retired and are just now on the cusp of doing things that actually cost money. My parents weren't super extravagant but they didn't deny themselves either. They traveled extensively (over 50 trips to Hawaii, some for months at a time...), bought nicer cars than we have. In the meantime, My DH has a 50% chance of inheriting the same disease his mom has. Work is behind us and I want to do all those things we planned for and dreamed about. I figure we have about 10 years before his illness would really start to kick in if he has inherited the gene. (And no, we don't want to know b/c there's nothing we can do about it if he has it) We don't have LTC insurance but have planned and prepared for his care and mine as well. We do not want to be a burden to our children. I want to finally DO the things we've dreamed of and yet I find myself feeling guilty b/c it might possibly require my dad to move to a different skilled nursing facility if he lives more than 3 years. I've already resolved that my mom will likely need substantial financial help and I'm preparing for that. But I'm less inclined to jump in to rescue my dad b/c the facility he ends up in isn't his first pick.
I want both parents to "finish strong." I'm just wrestling with what that means for both them and us.
Thanks for letting me vent. It's strangely helpful.