Parent of grown adult DD issue

[HGTVFanatic]

I love this answer so much.

 

[HGTVFanatic]

DD is 34. Otherwise, you pretty much have the scene described.

The real question is how to not do this? This isn't the first time. For example, while in college, DD moved into an apartment. I'm sure she was excited, but my initial reaction was that it was a dump. DD's boy friend's Mom came in a was all excited and said how great it was. I'm sure she's either blind or she's learned this lesson. FWIW, within a month, DD heard a rat in her walls, it died, she had to fight with the management to rectify the situation . . . It was a dump, but being right didn't make me feel any better. I want to stop focusing on the negative, but it is who me and DW are.

For those that do it well, do you just pause and never say anything negative? Are you just a glass 3/4 full kind of person? Me and DW spoiled a great idea of DD, it isn't the first time and I want to figure out how to stop.

You just think before you speak. My DDs are in their early 40s. About 10+ years ago I received an email that was mistakenly sent to me. It shocked me to my core. One daughter was writing to her sister and mistakenly put my name in the TO line. It said “Why does Mom have to always be so negative? Argh!” My first instinct was to punch back and reply with a nasty comment. Thank God I decided to take the high road and I never mentioned it. After that experience, I made a super human effort to change my ways and it has paid off. I also have to add that my daughters respond differently to what I say vs. if their father says the same exact thing.

 

[imnontrad]

She left the homemade cookies instead of coming in to protect your health. And she also made a 2 hour round trip. I think she deserves to get a bouquet of flowers and an apology plus a big thank you for the cookies.

 

[Buckeye]

Send her a card or letter to thank her and tell her how much you love her. Period.

 

[Doribe]

I would call her and tell her how much you enjoyed the delicious cookies and thank her for such a lovely gesture and driving so far. Then remind her how much you love her and really miss seeing her. In any event, sometimes young adults might never understand your perspective until they have kids of their own.

+1 This is the best response.

 

[gretah]

I think the real issue of me and DW being negative or at least focusing on the wrong thing is probably best solved by us taking time to respond and give better thought to what we really want to say given the outcome we’d like to have.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Good luck!

 

[nhcycling]

Please look at this from her point of view. She did something very nice. She baked cookies, she drove an hour to drop them in your mailbox. Then she drove home. Maybe, she’s like my kids who are overprotective of us, their parents, don’t want anyone at anytime going to the house or yard, and risk spreading the virus, so she didn’t stop. Not to be harsh, a lovely thank you for the surprise would’ve been a great response. I’d be hurt, angry with any other response. Not seeing her since the holidays, address that another time.

 

[kimcdougc]

We have driven by our DD house to leave some things. They just came to the window of the house and we waved to them and grinned. Was enough for us.

Our DD has now become the parent in that she is truly worried about us getting the Covid19. I am actually a high risk person as I have an mechanical heart valve.

We make sure we follow all of the rules such wearing a mask and social distancing.

Since I personally have started treating my kids as adults, they are much better about treating us as "adults."

When DD gets upset anymore I just let it go. Hardest thing for me to learn...let it go. DH is still working on that.

A nice note or phone call should be enough for dear daughter. If not, time heals most wounds.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

Thank for all the input. I think the real issue of me and DW being negative or at least focusing on the wrong thing is probably best solved by us taking time to respond and give better thought to what we really want to say given the outcome we’d like to have. That will be tough.

Thanks everyone.

I am glad to hear the relationship is on the upswing. "One weird trick" my husband uses to be more positive with our adult kids is to remind me that they will be the ones picking out our nursing home.

We told one of our kids who has a job that might be impacted that he was welcome to move back home if needed. He was very worried about infecting us even though he is not sick, since there seem to be so many asymptomatic carriers. He said that if we got ill because of him he would feel awful. Your daughter likely had the same thoughts. It was probably more an abundance of caution for your well being she didn't see you both in person on the cookie visit. Some of the seniors in our neighborhood don't get social distancing. We stand back, chatting from a distance, and they step forward. Some try to come close to pet our dog like they always used to. They roll their eyes if we mention social distancing. One lady made the "pfft" sound when DH mentioned social distancing and, to make matter worse, when she made the sound a little spittle went out into the air.

Your daughter may have had the same experience and didn't want to risk having an issue with her own parents. It is hard enough for us to be polite but firm with our neighbors. I can see where it would be even tougher with a family with different levels of caution and rule following.

 

[MBAustin]

This thread has given me some good perspective and food for thought as I have a tendency to say negative things to our adult DD. Thanks for all the good insights.