Regretting Grey Divorce

[MarieIG]

I would not leave my DH if he could no longer perform. I would miss that aspect of our relationship, but no way would I leave someone who has been so good to me over that. He's given me his loyalty, and he's got mine. I would be more sad for him than for myself.

I understand how loosing a child can threaten a marriage. That has got to be the worst thing that can happen to a parent. I would be driven out of my mind with grief. Sometimes when people are so grief stricken they lash out at whomever is around them.

 

[NW-Bound]

There's more to a long-term relationship than sex. Of course it varies with each couple.

 

[Blue Collar Guy]

I will simply state that I am very glad my wife is patient and a bit stubborn. I'm lucky she stuck around until I got my sh*t together.

Having said that, this article makes me nervous LOL

Remember that when she starts learning the Ukulele in Mexico. Tell he how wonderful she is doing.

 

[haha]

Marriages often don't survive a major illness or death of a child because if one person has not been that happy they realize that their own time could be short and do they want to spend it with this person. Often the answer is no.

That is grim. Also this is grave thread; these issues of loyalty and personal goals and sacrifice and mortality are heavy duty. I am impressed by the frankness and seriousness..

Ha

 

[dixonge]

Remember that when she starts learning the Ukulele in Mexico. Tell he how wonderful she is doing.

If I have to listen to beginner ukulele lessons all day, *I* may initiate the proceedings! Ha!

 

[Bir48die]

My wife was diagnosed with terminal cancer when she was 35. With two bone marrow transplants, radiation on her brain, a double mastectomy and other procedures her body was a shell of it's former self.

She lived three times as long as they estimated (15 years). In that time we never had sex. In the midst we were seeing a family counselor for my son. I started doing individual counseling. After seeing her for a six month period the counselor told me I had the right to be happy and should divorce my wife. I understood her point but was dumbfounded. To abandon your mate as they fight for their life?

I stood by her and supported her through many trips to the ER and almost dying during our 25 anniversary. At the age of 50 she passed away. Shortly after I met a great woman and married two years later. She is a very sexual woman and we've had a great sex life. God blessed me for doing what I should have.

I do know of many marriages that have lost the spark. It is nearly impossible to get that back unless you both try really hard and are committed. Probably as hard of a road as their is. But, my favorite saying is "life is messy". What you do with that mess is the important part.

 

[Scuba]

My wife was diagnosed with terminal cancer when she was 35. With two bone marrow transplants, radiation on her brain, a double mastectomy and other procedures her body was a shell of it's former self.



She lived three times as long as they estimated (15 years). In that time we never had sex. In the midst we were seeing a family counselor for my son. I started doing individual counseling. After seeing her for a six month period the counselor told me I had the right to be happy and should divorce my wife. I understood her point but was dumbfounded. To abandon your mate as they fight for their life?



I stood by her and supported her through many trips to the ER and almost dying during our 25 anniversary. At the age of 50 she passed away. Shortly after I met a great woman and married two years later. She is a very sexual woman and we've had a great sex life. God blessed me for doing what I should have.



I do know of many marriages that have lost the spark. It is nearly impossible to get that back unless you both try really hard and are committed. Probably as hard of a road as their is. But, my favorite saying is "life is messy". What you do with that mess is the important part.

Good for you for standing by your wife. I've never been in this situation but think it would be very hard. I like to think I would do the same as you did. Glad you are happy now.

 

[Souschef]

I stood by her and supported her through many trips to the ER and almost dying during our 25 anniversary. At the age of 50 she passed away. Shortly after I met a great woman and married two years later. She is a very sexual woman and we've had a great sex life. God blessed me for doing what I should have.

I do know of many marriages that have lost the spark. It is nearly impossible to get that back unless you both try really hard and are committed. Probably as hard of a road as their is. But, my favorite saying is "life is messy". What you do with that mess is the important part.

+1 My wife was brain injured, and I stood by her for 12 years until she passed away. We were married for 30 years.As with you, there were many trips to the ER.
I also met a great woman and was married 2 years later. We will be celebrating our 10th anniversary this year.

 

[Meadbh]

Kudos to Bir48die and Souschef for being real men!

 

[Dash man]

Thirteen years ago DW was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer and uterine cancer. We made her chemo days a date day having lunch and going to a movie and dinner later. We talked a lot and grew closer together during this time, knowing it may be limited. She was given five years, but beat the odds and is still with me today, thank God! Now she's by my side as I go through some tough times, though not as serious as her battle was. I'm a lucky guy!

 

[Koogie]

Really appreciate these recent posts. DW is in her early 50's and has a degenerative neurological condition. It can be hard to deal with and lonely a lot of the time since I sometimes have to make scary decisions at times of great stress.

So it is nice to see others have dealt with similar issues in the past and overcome them or had life improve.

Cheers to good people.

 

[aja8888]

As I read all of this, my DW is facing Mitral heart valve replacement with the surgeon entering the body through the rib cage on her side. This is very scary surgery and with her COPD and severe osteoporosis, she is labeled "high risk". The surgeon said there is a possibility she will come out of the surgery and not be able to breathe on her own and may have to have a tracheostomy and be on a ventilator.

There is a chance she will be permanently on the ventilator but we won't know until after the surgery. She has not made a decision to go through with the surgery yet and may not, but then will have to exist in a pretty bad way with not much fun going on. How long she would live after that is anyone's guess, but I know we will be faced with home care and maybe more than that. Nothing like watching your spouse go downhill at a much more rapid rate than you.

 

[socca]

My Dad stuck with his long-term girlfriend (30+ years) despite her operation to have a large brain tumor removed around 10 years ago. This operation completely changed her personality. Among other things, she became unable to override her emotional responses to events with her intellect. One side-effect of this operation was that she began chain-smoking, which probably contributed to her death a few months ago at age 72.

Some links on this phenomenon:

Frontal lobe injury

Phineas Gage head injury

 

[Koogie]

As I read all of this, my DW is facing Mitral heart valve replacement with the surgeon entering the body through the rib cage on her side.

Hope it goes well for you both. All the best.

 

[Dash man]

Hope it goes well for you both. All the best.

Ditto

 

[CaliKid]

Life can be tough at times. I like to think karma comes around and there are many people on this board that are setting themselves up for some good karma coming back at them one day. Keep up the good work people!

 

[Bigdawg]

I admire strong people who can stay with their partner through a medical issue. Sometimes that spark/bedroom issue isn't medically related. People change. Usually one person can't do it alone. Takes the other person to at least want to try to make things work.

 

[Caligal611]

I am in the middle of a grey divorce. I have been married for almost 31 years. My husband and I are both lawyers. He met me five weeks before I started law school. He had just completed his Masters in Public Administration but couldn't find a job. He then decided to take the LSAT after I started and ended up at my law school one year later. Upon graduation, I was debt free because I put myself through school while working and was immediately hired by employer, a major oil company's Legal Department . My husband graduated and took a position with a law firm after taking out student loans for undergraduate, graduate and law school, representing 9 years of large student loans. We got engaged a month after his graduation and married 4 months later. We were able to purchase our home 15 months after the wedding because I had been working full time and had saved up enough for a down payment. We have raised two beautiful daughters in our starter home, which we later remodeled. My youngest daughter has completed her Masters, is employed and has her own apartment . My oldest daughter has completed her first year of law school and will soon be launched. I am 61 and have been working full time since my college graduation in June 1977. My husband and I agreed 2 years ago that I would retire on July 7, 2017. I have been an extreme commuter for almost 2 decades, logging 3 hour daily commutes .My current employer, an automotive company, provides a rare pension and I also have the oil company pension. My husband has a 5 minute commute. Seven months to the day of my proposed retirement date, he served me with divorce papers by mail. No advance warning. No discussion. He rebuffed my pleas to attend counseling. Given the length of our marriage, the divorce process has been slow. However, it didn't take him much time to find a new girlfriend 15 years younger than me, dye his hair and have lasik eye surgery so he no longer wears glasses. Major mid life crisis. I don't wish this experience on anyone.

 

[Scuba]

I am in the middle of a grey divorce. I have been married for almost 31 years. My husband and I are both lawyers. He met me five weeks before I started law school. He had just completed his Masters in Public Administration but couldn't find a job. He then decided to take the LSAT after I started and ended up at my law school one year later. Upon graduation, I was debt free because I put myself through school while working and was immediately hired by employer, a major oil company's Legal Department . My husband graduated and took a position with a law firm after taking out student loans for undergraduate, graduate and law school, representing 9 years of large student loans. We got engaged a month after his graduation and married 4 months later. We were able to purchase our home 15 months after the wedding because I had been working full time and had saved up enough for a down payment. We have raised two beautiful daughters in our starter home, which we later remodeled. My youngest daughter has completed her Masters, is employed and has her own apartment . My oldest daughter has completed her first year of law school and will soon be launched. I am 61 and have been working full time since my college graduation in June 1977. My husband and I agreed 2 years ago that I would retire on July 7, 2017. I have been an extreme commuter for almost 2 decades, logging 3 hour daily commutes .My current employer, an automotive company, provides a rare pension and I also have the oil company pension. My husband has a 5 minute commute. Seven months to the day of my proposed retirement date, he served me with divorce papers by mail. No advance warning. No discussion. He rebuffed my pleas to attend counseling. Given the length of our marriage, the divorce process has been slow. However, it didn't take him much time to find a new girlfriend 15 years younger than me, dye his hair and have lasik eye surgery so he no longer wears glasses. Major mid life crisis. I don't wish this experience on anyone.

OMG, I am so sorry you are going through this. Must be very difficult both emotionally and financially. Hopefully time will heal wounds and you will be able to retire on schedule and be happy.

 

[Scuba]

Life can be tough at times. I like to think karma comes around and there are many people on this board that are setting themselves up for some good karma coming back at them one day. Keep up the good work people!

+1
I can't imagine how hard it must be to see one's spouse decline so much and then to be a long-term caregiver. Glad folks are finding happiness afterwards. Your new partners are lucky to find someone as loyal and supportive as you've demonstrated that you are.

 

[Caligal611]

I am in the middle of a grey divorce. My husband and I have been married for almost 31 years. We are both lawyers. I met him 2 months before I started law school. He was unemployed at the time we met. He then decided to apply to law school a few months later. We got married 4 months after he graduated, which included taking on 9 years of his student loan debt. I graduated debt free. The down payment on our house, just 18 months after his law school graduation, was supplied by my savings from 7 years of full time employment at a major oil company, which hired me as a lawyer in its Legal Department. I have 2 pensions and have worked full time since my college graduation in June 1977. My husband and I planned for me to retire on July 7, 2017 , more than 2 years ago and looked forward to this next chapter in our lives after raising 2 daughters with advanced degrees and living in our starter home that we remodeled and was almost paid off. I was also ready to move on to this new chapter after experiencing almost 2 decades of a brutal 4 freeway, three hour daily round trip commute on the So Cal freeway system.
Instead, my world was turned upside down when I was served with divorce papers by my spouse 7 months to the day of my retirement date in the mail at work. No prior notification. No discussion and no interest on my husband's part to engage in counseling. Due to the length of our marriage, the legal process had been slow. However, that had not stopped my husband from becoming seriously involved with a woman 20 years younger, dyeing his hair and having lasik surgery so that he no longer wears glasses. There are no words.

 

[iloveyoga]

I am in the middle of a grey divorce. I have been married for almost 31 years. My husband and I are both lawyers. He met me five weeks before I started law school. He had just completed his Masters in Public Administration but couldn't find a job. He then decided to take the LSAT after I started and ended up at my law school one year later. Upon graduation, I was debt free because I put myself through school while working and was immediately hired by employer, a major oil company's Legal Department . My husband graduated and took a position with a law firm after taking out student loans for undergraduate, graduate and law school, representing 9 years of large student loans. We got engaged a month after his graduation and married 4 months later. We were able to purchase our home 15 months after the wedding because I had been working full time and had saved up enough for a down payment. We have raised two beautiful daughters in our starter home, which we later remodeled. My youngest daughter has completed her Masters, is employed and has her own apartment . My oldest daughter has completed her first year of law school and will soon be launched. I am 61 and have been working full time since my college graduation in June 1977. My husband and I agreed 2 years ago that I would retire on July 7, 2017. I have been an extreme commuter for almost 2 decades, logging 3 hour daily commutes .My current employer, an automotive company, provides a rare pension and I also have the oil company pension. My husband has a 5 minute commute. Seven months to the day of my proposed retirement date, he served me with divorce papers by mail. No advance warning. No discussion. He rebuffed my pleas to attend counseling. Given the length of our marriage, the divorce process has been slow. However, it didn't take him much time to find a new girlfriend 15 years younger than me, dye his hair and have lasik eye surgery so he no longer wears glasses. Major mid life crisis. I don't wish this experience on anyone.

I am so sorry to hear this. There is a lot of good advice and just interesting reading on this board, welcome.

 

[Amethyst]

The worst part of caregiving to a spouse with dementia or similar, is that at some point they simply cease to be "company" for you.

Even when my Dad was dying by inches day by day in the ICU after breaking his neck in a car accident, was gradually paralyzed by his neck collapsing (he had osteoporosis)...my Mother was there every day and they talked until he lost his hearing. After that, they wrote notes back and forth. He was "company" for her until the last few days before death when he was unconscious.

The demented, on the other hand, can go on for years having everything done for them, and not even know who's doing it. That is hard. Loss of sex seems like a low-grade annoyance next to being completely ignored.

+1
I can't imagine how hard it must be to see one's spouse decline so much and then to be a long-term caregiver. Glad folks are finding happiness afterwards. Your new partners are lucky to find someone as loyal and supportive as you've demonstrated that you are.

 

[Nemo2]

The worst part of caregiving to a spouse with dementia or similar, is that at some point they simply cease to be "company" for you.

My cousin told us that her mother had stopped being "Mom" to her and had just become "(Her name)".

 

[ivinsfan]

My cousin told us that her mother had stopped being "Mom" to her and had just become "(Her name)".

It can be worse then that. My MIL wasn't even a pleasant stranger, she became a paranoid, mean, complaining woman.