Romantic Relationships Post FIRE

[GaryInCO]

I know my numbers seem a bit crazy to a lot of people, but conversely, numbers like your $5K for groceries seem impossible to me - perhaps a function of too many years living in NYC, which is where I've spent nearly all my adult life.

I think your VHCOL area has a lot to do with it. I live in a fairly HCOL area (northern Colorado) and my Quicken records say I spent about $4300 last year on groceries, $1800 on dining out. I buy mostly organic, a lot of meat but not much seafood, etc. The "dining out" includes frequent get-togethers with Meetup groups (attempting to re-build a social circle after divorce and Covid), so sometimes it's just drinks with no food.

So even though I'm not particularly frugal on groceries, I spent just over $6000 last year for everything I ate and drank!

Bringing it back to the original topic, that $6k/yr also includes dining/drinks from my futile attempts to find a romantic partner. My ex dumped me 13 yrs ago in my mid-50's. I spent about 2 years in a black depression before I shook it off and moved on. Since then I've tried really hard to find a partner -- online dating, matchmakers, social groups, etc -- a few near-misses but ultimately no luck. So OP, if you're looking for love and you find it, I would advise you to grab it while you can. Otherwise you might end up like me, 67 and still looking.

 

[flyingaway]

You can keep working and find someone nearby, or you can FIRE and travel to other places to find different types of romance.

I disagree with the previous statements that you have to find someone with similar financial background. If you have sufficient financial means and don't need the other part to have similar means, you can increase your chances a lot.

 

[athena53]

I disagree with the previous statements that you have to find someone with similar financial background. If you have sufficient financial means and don't need the other part to have similar means, you can increase your chances a lot.

I'm in that position in my current relationship- I over-saved for retirement, have plenty for my wants and needs in addition to donating to charity and putting $$ in 529s for my grandchildren. He's 71, still working FT (fortunately, sedentary and WFH and he likes it), has little saved for retirement (I'm guessing $50K or so) and when he has an emergency with the car or one of his cats it has to go on one of his many credit cards.

The pluses: he's kind, honest, intelligent and the physical side of the relationship is great. We enjoy doing even mundane things together, we travel well together and we're both laid-back and don't get all hot and bothered when things go wrong. The minuses: I pay most of the cost of our travels, which have been short road trips- a B&B a few hours away, exploring nearby states, a trip to the Berkshire Annual meeting, etc. I enjoy his company and the hotel and car expenses don't cost anything more when he's along and he picks up the occasional meal or tank of gas. He'd LOVE to come with me on my major trips and I know we'd have a good time- but he doesn't have that kind of money to throw around and I'm not willing to fork over $5- 6,000 more for him to accompany me on a tour even if he let me- which he wouldn't. So- it's a major part of my life where he's left out.

 

[aja8888]

I'm in that position in my current relationship- I over-saved for retirement, have plenty for my wants and needs in addition to donating to charity and putting $$ in 529s for my grandchildren. He's 71, still working FT (fortunately, sedentary and WFH and he likes it), has little saved for retirement (I'm guessing $50K or so) and when he has an emergency with the car or one of his cats it has to go on one of his many credit cards.

The pluses: he's kind, honest, intelligent and the physical side of the relationship is great. We enjoy doing even mundane things together, we travel well together and we're both laid-back and don't get all hot and bothered when things go wrong. The minuses: I pay most of the cost of our travels, which have been short road trips- a B&B a few hours away, exploring nearby states, a trip to the Berkshire Annual meeting, etc. I enjoy his company and the hotel and car expenses don't cost anything more when he's along and he picks up the occasional meal or tank of gas. He'd LOVE to come with me on my major trips and I know we'd have a good time- but he doesn't have that kind of money to throw around and I'm not willing to fork over $5- 6,000 more for him to accompany me on a tour even if he let me- which he wouldn't. So- it's a major part of my life where he's left out.

I'm finding that matching up with a significant other that has all the characteristics that I would like to see in a person is difficult. Maybe they are all taken? Or maybe I'm not looking in the right places?

The women I know long term or have met recently are either not in good health (mental or physical), living on the financial edge, have few resources for bad health financial events that may happen someday. Or some combination of all three.

My friends say single guys like me are a "good catch" or are a "rarity" but I have a hard time believing that.

 

[Amethyst]

If I were to find someone physically/personally/intellectually compatible, I wouldn't let his lack of similar means stand in the way of having fun. Major trips, particularly cruises, generally cost the same for a single as a couple anyway. But I can't imagine sharing a cruise cabin with someone I didn't love and who didn't love me.

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I disagree with the previous statements that you have to find someone with similar financial background. If you have sufficient financial means and don't need the other part to have similar means, you can increase your chances a lot.

 

[athena53]

If I were to find someone physically/personally/intellectually compatible, I wouldn't let his lack of similar means stand in the way of having fun. Major trips, particularly cruises, generally cost the same for a single as a couple anyway. But I can't imagine sharing a cruise cabin with someone I didn't love and who didn't love me.

My major trips usually start with a very long plane flight. I like Business Class. Not gonna spend twice that and not gonna leave him in Coach. The tour company I use doesn't charge a single supplement (except a reasonable one for any ship travel) so it really would be about twice the cost for a couple. But, as I've noted, he wouldn't want me to fork over that much on his behalf. It's another thing I like about him. I've dated plenty of takers. It does limit the travel we can do together. Fortunately, post-retirement, I've had my share of expense account dinners and am done with "fine dining" although sometimes I splurge with DS, DDIL and the kids. BF and I have a favorite local Mexican place and a First Watch near him that are within his budget and that we both like.

 

[Souschef]

If I were to find someone physically/personally/intellectually compatible, I wouldn't let his lack of similar means stand in the way of having fun. Major trips, particularly cruises, generally cost the same for a single as a couple anyway. But I can't imagine sharing a cruise cabin with someone I didn't love and who didn't love me.

I agree. My DW's NW is 1/4 of mine, but it does not matter. We have been on 18 cruises together, and sharing the experiences with someone you love is fantastic.

 

[outdoorgirl02]

My experience:

I've met 3 good women this year (two through firedating.me) but the two that had some potential both had "issues" and got scared as things progressed. -Not to go into details but both had been in abusive relationships in the past and they were not over the trauma. It was hard when they didn't work out -loss of the opportunity, not any strong attachment to either but was moving in that direction and I had invested some of myself into them. My take away is that there are good people out there and I just met those two at the wrong time in their lives.

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Thanks for mentioning the FIRE dating site. I didn’t know that existed ?

 

[Chuckanut]

You can keep working and find someone nearby, or you can FIRE and travel to other places to find different types of romance.

I disagree with the previous statements that you have to find someone with similar financial background. If you have sufficient financial means and don't need the other part to have similar means, you can increase your chances a lot.

IMO, as long as both people are financially independent I don’t think they need to be financially equal.

 

[teej1985]

IMO, as long as both people are financially independent I don’t think they need to be financially equal.

I would agree with this, but the cost of the desired lifestyle matters to some extent, unless the more bougie one is okay subsidizing their other half and the less bougie one being okay with being subsidized- which clearly is not happening with the couple mentioned upthread where he joins her for meals at Mexican restaurant and First Watch, but not for major vacations.

 

[Amethyst]

"bougie" lol

 

[Amethyst]

That's their choice, and does not have to apply to everyone.

Men have been subsidizing women since forever. No reason it can't work the other way round, assuming everyone's needs are being met. Which is really the issue, especially at older ages.

I would agree with this, but the cost of the desired lifestyle matters to some extent, unless the more bougie one is okay subsidizing their other half and the less bougie one being okay with being subsidized- which clearly is not happening with the couple mentioned upthread where he joins her for meals at Mexican restaurant and First Watch, but not for major vacations.

 

[Marathoner]

I'm finding that matching up with a significant other that has all the characteristics that I would like to see in a person is difficult. Maybe they are all taken? Or maybe I'm not looking in the right places?

The women I know long term or have met recently are either not in good health (mental or physical), living on the financial edge, have few resources for bad health financial events that may happen someday. Or some combination of all three.

My friends say single guys like me are a "good catch" or are a "rarity" but I have a hard time believing that.

After my divorce at age 33 in 2012, I took some time off from dating and then started online dating like it was a part-time job. I went on over 60 first dates; wanted very few second dates. (I came away with some incredible stories that people still ask me to retell, almost 10 years later, so not all bad!)

However, the reason I’m responding here is your comment about “all the characteristics [you] would like to see” — the book that changed my thinking on this (and that ultimately is why I gave my current partner a chance) is “The Science of Happily Ever After.” You can get it from the library, like I did.

Anyway, not to derail this thread too much with a ridiculously long post, but it went into what are the “must haves” that impact relationship happiness? What’s truly important? Had I come across my current partner on online dating, not sure I would have gone out with him, but we are at 8 years together now and I’m glad this book helped me figure out what was important to me.

But I’m interested in this thread because he may FIRE next year and I’ve still got some time before I will, and despite how good things currently are, I’m a bit worried about the dynamic once he has no structure (we’ve talked about this). So I think it is a good thing for OP to consider!

 

[aja8888]

After my divorce at age 33 in 2012, I took some time off from dating and then started online dating like it was a part-time job. I went on over 60 first dates; wanted very few second dates. (I came away with some incredible stories that people still ask me to retell, almost 10 years later, so not all bad!)

However, the reason I’m responding here is your comment about “all the characteristics [you] would like to see” — the book that changed my thinking on this (and that ultimately is why I gave my current partner a chance) is “The Science of Happily Ever After.” You can get it from the library, like I did.

Anyway, not to derail this thread too much with a ridiculously long post, but it went into what are the “must haves” that impact relationship happiness? What’s truly important? Had I come across my current partner on online dating, not sure I would have gone out with him, but we are at 8 years together now and I’m glad this book helped me figure out what was important to me.

But I’m interested in this thread because he may FIRE next year and I’ve still got some time before I will, and despite how good things currently are, I’m a bit worried about the dynamic once he has no structure (we’ve talked about this). So I think it is a good thing for OP to consider!

Thanks for the recommendation on the book.

 

[FLSUnFIRE]

After my divorce at age 33 in 2012, I took some time off from dating and then started online dating like it was a part-time job. I went on over 60 first dates; wanted very few second dates. (I came away with some incredible stories that people still ask me to retell, almost 10 years later, so not all bad!)

However, the reason I’m responding here is your comment about “all the characteristics [you] would like to see” — the book that changed my thinking on this (and that ultimately is why I gave my current partner a chance) is “The Science of Happily Ever After.” You can get it from the library, like I did.

Anyway, not to derail this thread too much with a ridiculously long post, but it went into what are the “must haves” that impact relationship happiness? What’s truly important? Had I come across my current partner on online dating, not sure I would have gone out with him, but we are at 8 years together now and I’m glad this book helped me figure out what was important to me.

But I’m interested in this thread because he may FIRE next year and I’ve still got some time before I will, and despite how good things currently are, I’m a bit worried about the dynamic once he has no structure (we’ve talked about this). So I think it is a good thing for OP to consider!

I agree with the sentiment and I'll have to check out the book. I'm actively looking now. After my divorce I joined a paid site (eHarmony) and did actively date at a pretty high tempo and would be willing to meet almost anyone. No great stories but a lot of people out there that were not good matches (sadly, many very insecure and seeking validation externally). I'm actively looking now but much more selective and slow in my approach. I think that most of us don't know what we need or perhaps even want even though most people act and think like they do. The online dating environment IMO fuels this "check box" mentality of ordering/finding the "perfect" mate and I try to stay out of that way of thinking. I believe there are multiple paths to happierness and I am open to most of the options (kids, pets, geography, interests, FIRE or working, education, etc). IMO, we need to enjoy some activities together (I want a partner to share experiences with) but I also want someone happy in their own skin and with their own activities. I want someone not exactly like me, someone to compliment me and for whom I can be a cheerleader (I think that's the roll I miss the most from my marriage). There are certain make or breaks (can't be a mean person, need to love (the verb) themselves and work to take care of themselves mentally and physically, must be willing and ready to enter into a relationship and accept the vulnerability of doing so).



I think this is right on topic and with a user name "Marathoner" I would be a bit disappointed if you didn't have a ridiculously long post!

 

[brett]

Sometimes 'IT' happens. Regardless or age despite the issues raised above.

I am not so sure that that 'likes' attract or that 'likes' are the be all and end all answer. Clearly it is for some. I would find it incredibly boring to live with someone who mirrored my beliefs, outlook, etc. For me it would be akin to that nodding dog looking out of the back window of someone's vehicle.

My spouse and I have been married for 50 years. We come from completely different backgrounds. Our faith beliefs were different when we married, they remain so today. She was brought up in a very conservative environment that resisted all forms of social change. I was the opposite, liberal with a 'why not' attitude. We remain divided household on a number of social issues. It think the differences make our union stronger because of the respect for other viewpoints.

I knew right away. It was not who my friends and family expected. Quite the opposite. Who is to say that the same could not happen to anyone else regardless of age? Opposites do attract.

IMHO there is a great deal more to this romantic business than the obvious. One of the attractions to me would be intelligence, smarts, inquisitiveness. Fifty years on it still is. For others it could be other attributes.

Perhaps I am a born romanticist but this is not like buying a car, a home, or managing one's investment portfolio.. So many intangibles. Then throw in emotions, chemistry, and sex into the mix. It can be a bit of a mystery...regardless of age.

Never say never!

 

[street]

Sometimes 'IT' happens. Regardless or age despite the issues raised above.

I am not so sure that that 'likes' attract or that 'likes' are the be all and end all answer. Clearly it is for some. I would find it incredibly boring to live with someone who mirrored my beliefs, outlook, etc.

My spouse and I have been married for 50 years. We come from completely different backgrounds. Our faith beliefs were different when we married, they remain so today. She was brought up in a very conservative environment that resisted all forms of social change. I was the opposite, liberal with a 'why not' attitude. We remain divided household on a number of social issues. It think the differences make our union stronger because of the respect for other viewpoints.

I knew right away. It was not who my friends and family expected. Quite the opposite. Who is to say that the same could not happen to anyone else regardless of age? Opposites do attract.

IMHO there is a great deal more to this romantic business than the obvious. One of the attractions to me would be intelligence, smarts, inquisitiveness. Fifty years on it still is. For others it could be other attributes.

Perhaps I am a born romanticist but this is not like buying a car, a home, or managing one's investment portfolio.. So many intangibles. Then throw in emotions, chemistry, and sex into the mix. It can be a bit of a mystery.

Never say never!

Your view is very interesting and agree totally. My wife and I are as complete opposite as any two couples could be. Been married 41 years in June 2024 and have been a great life being together. A total respect for each other different views but we do have many of the same principals, goals and mindset of how we live life.

 

[Route246]

What a heartwarming story! Congratulations on your achievement.

After my wife passed away, I was involved with an on line grief recovery chatroom. The people there were very helpful in handling my loss. I noticed one widow in particular who was an extremely caring person.

I had mentioned I had done some traveling, and she asked ,"where in the world do you live?".

As fate would have it, we lived 40 miles apart, and agreed to meet for lunch half way. That was the start of many halfway lunches and just helping each other with our loses.
We were married in Santorini, Greece, and just celebrated our 16th anniversary.
Life is good!

 

[badatmath]

I have a ridiculous crush on someone right now (who will never know) but I have been thinking on how they are so different from my past relationships.

I think someone to open me up to new ways of thinking would be a really plus even if they are (relatively) broke. I'll check out the book.

I noticed the author has a second book called "Awkward" so I requested it too! Can't quite forget a cringey conversation I started a week or so ago geez. Sometimes things make so much sense in my mind until I say them out loud.

 

[teej1985]

After my divorce at age 33 in 2012, I took some time off from dating and then started online dating like it was a part-time job. I went on over 60 first dates; wanted very few second dates. (I came away with some incredible stories that people still ask me to retell, almost 10 years later, so not all bad!)

However, the reason I’m responding here is your comment about “all the characteristics [you] would like to see” — the book that changed my thinking on this (and that ultimately is why I gave my current partner a chance) is “The Science of Happily Ever After.” You can get it from the library, like I did.

Anyway, not to derail this thread too much with a ridiculously long post, but it went into what are the “must haves” that impact relationship happiness? What’s truly important? Had I come across my current partner on online dating, not sure I would have gone out with him, but we are at 8 years together now and I’m glad this book helped me figure out what was important to me.

But I’m interested in this thread because he may FIRE next year and I’ve still got some time before I will, and despite how good things currently are, I’m a bit worried about the dynamic once he has no structure (we’ve talked about this). So I think it is a good thing for OP to consider!

If you think checking out the book is a good thing for me to consider, I just reserved it at the library! If there's something else that you meant I should consider, let me know.

I have a ridiculous crush on someone right now (who will never know) but I have been thinking on how they are so different from my past relationships.

I think someone to open me up to new ways of thinking would be a really plus even if they are (relatively) broke. I'll check out the book.

I noticed the author has a second book called "Awkward" so I requested it too! Can't quite forget a cringey conversation I started a week or so ago geez. Sometimes things make so much sense in my mind until I say them out loud.

I reserved that one also!

 

[omni550]

Another book recommendation is "How Not to Die Alone, The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love" https://www.amazon.com/How-Not-Die-Alone-Surprising/dp/1982120622

omni

 

[athena53]

Sometimes 'IT' happens. Regardless or age despite the issues raised above.

I am not so sure that that 'likes' attract or that 'likes' are the be all and end all answer. Clearly it is for some. I would find it incredibly boring to live with someone who mirrored my beliefs, outlook, etc. For me it would be akin <snip>I think the differences make our union stronger because of the respect for other viewpoints.

<snip>

IMHO there is a great deal more to this romantic business than the obvious. One of the attractions to me would be intelligence, smarts, inquisitiveness. Fifty years on it still is. For others it could be other attributes.

Perhaps I am a born romanticist but this is not like buying a car, a home, or managing one's investment portfolio.. So many intangibles. Then throw in emotions, chemistry, and sex into the mix. It can be a bit of a mystery...regardless of age.

Totally agreed. In my current relationship and my previous marriage, there are/were differing points of view on things. As long as you realize that most of the time the truth is somewhere in the middle, it's interesting to hear why the other person thinks the way they do. We need more respectful dialogue in this country, anyway! And yes- for me, intelligence and curiosity are at the top of the list. My late husband was 15 years older. Of course I would have liked one closer to my age - I knew from the start I was likely to outlive him- but it was a very good marriage.

 

[RetiredHappy]

When I was younger, I would fall in love easily and had alot of "suitors". I don't find myself attractive but after all, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Anyway, I am married for the final time, been married 15 years, and 100% dedicated to this marriage. What came as a surprise was that a few months ago, a work colleague from 20+ years ago whom I had only a couple of work meetings with (large multi-national corporation), private message me on FB (I have an account but do not post anything) to check in on how I had been and revealed that he had been infatuated with me all this time. I replied "Oh, I did not know. I hope you are well." I really didn't know what else to say.

 

[ivinsfan]

I'm in that position in my current relationship- I over-saved for retirement, have plenty for my wants and needs in addition to donating to charity and putting $$ in 529s for my grandchildren. He's 71, still working FT (fortunately, sedentary and WFH and he likes it), has little saved for retirement (I'm guessing $50K or so) and when he has an emergency with the car or one of his cats it has to go on one of his many credit cards.

The pluses: he's kind, honest, intelligent and the physical side of the relationship is great. We enjoy doing even mundane things together, we travel well together and we're both laid-back and don't get all hot and bothered when things go wrong. The minuses: I pay most of the cost of our travels, which have been short road trips- a B&B a few hours away, exploring nearby states, a trip to the Berkshire Annual meeting, etc. I enjoy his company and the hotel and car expenses don't cost anything more when he's along and he picks up the occasional meal or tank of gas. He'd LOVE to come with me on my major trips and I know we'd have a good time- but he doesn't have that kind of money to throw around and I'm not willing to fork over $5- 6,000 more for him to accompany me on a tour even if he let me- which he wouldn't. So- it's a major part of my life where he's left out.

I find this post spot on and an indication of how dating conditions and norms are changing constantly, which makes it harder for people to connect.


For example and I say this with absolutely zero criticism, if you were a guy some posters would say you were cheap and mean. I find your comments completely understandable. The key here is you found a partner that agrees with you on trip spending. That you 2 were able to have a rational discussion about this is a big deal.



you mention things you like about this guy and things that aren't ideal about this guy. The difference is that at your age and life experience that's the price of poker and you aren't trying to "fix" the things you don't like, or moving on to the find the "perfect" partner.



It's easy for someone to say they want a relationship like this but somewhat harder to adjust to it and be happy in the moment. Kudos to you for making this work.

 

[omni550]

IMHO there is a great deal more to this romantic business than the obvious. One of the attractions to me would be intelligence, smarts, inquisitiveness. Fifty years on it still is. For others it could be other attributes.

+1

But...where does one find such people?

In addition, outside of a romantic relationship, I enjoy these types of people simply as friends (of either sex), but am not meeting many IRL. I get out and do things with meetup groups, attending lectures, etc., but I'm not really running into folks who demonstrate these qualities, so the conversations are somewhat shallow, filled with "small talk".

omni