Kats, I am really sorry that you are going through this difficult phase. It seems to be an unfortunately common aspect of US parent-child relationships.
It hurts, and it produces fear. I have a nephew who went through much of this, and unfortunately got sidewiped by the law along the way. Drugs are the biggie, IMO, as it changes the equation to one of great peril. Even smoking weed they cannot pass an employment exam, and with no money to buy rent, food, gasoline or drugs they are tempted to start stealing and/or dealing Once they start stealing or dealing they are exposed to a world of hurt.
In nephew's case, he was charged with dealing, but his older GF got her old BF, a criminal lawyer, to represent him on the cheap. My sis and BIL had to come up with $5 k or so, and he got off.
Then he promptly got her pregnant. She had been told that she was infertile, as she was going through an early menopause. So she decided no way am I going to lose this baby, and Dear Neph. was on his way to fatherhood.
She told him, you can stay if you work and pay for rent and food, otherwise get your A$$ out of here.
So far, 8 months after she was born, he is a happy enough, and more importantly he has become a hard working clean and sober Daddy.
So good things can happen. They managed to get health insurance through her father's company.
For my part, my kids were also totally self directed, but fortunately for me in more socially acceptable ways. Still, I wish I were a Korean or Indian Papa to whom someone paid attention.
Like Amy Chua says, being a parent in the US is a raw deal. I think young people are catching on to this. In my city, there are newspaper articles and government studies about "how can we get more children?"
I know how- create a less toxic culture. Take all teen and tween oriented crap off the TV, create a modern CCC, let these rebellious youth have a path other than drugs and crime or mooching off middle class parents.
And get a decent tracking system in the schools so by 9th grade or so a non-academically interested young man or woman can get a well paying trade.
Ha