Young adults and locus of motivation

[Gumby]

Spending some time in military service might help accelerate the process in some individuals.

I recall thinking during my early days in the military that they were a pack of pansies compared to my mother.

 

[Keim]

A few comments:
1. I marked Other. I think it is highly variable upon the kid. Both of my daughters (now in HS) are extremely self-motivated. And the parents don't take the credit. They came that way.
2. Change the "when" to "how" and I'd mostly agree with this one. It's when the parents let go and let the kid drive.
3. This poll is blatantly unfair as it doesn't allow me to have an opinion AND like bacon. I have lots of opinions, and love bacon.

 

[Amethyst]

"It is induced by external demands such as war or boot camp."

Doesn't have to be that dire. Check what milestones/achievements/acquisitions your kid's age peers seem to think are important.

Peer pressure is a powerful force. When kids are slow to toilet-train, pediatricians may reassure by pointing out that almost everybody is toilet-trained by kindergarten...because they don't want other kids making fun of them.

What peers choose to make a big deal out of can evolve, though. Remember how, in the old days, it was considered lame to be 23 and still living with your parents? Yeah, that one went by the wayside a while back.

 

[eytonxav]

I recall thinking during my early days in the military that they were a pack of pansies compared to my mother.

When they were getting us ready in basic training for the vietnam, I didn't have that impression, at least compared to my mother

 

[Gumby]

When they were getting us ready in basic training for the vietnam, I didn't have that impression, at least compared to my mother

You probably didn't view the military as a great improvement in your life. I sure did.

 

[eytonxav]

You probably didn't view the military as a great improvement in your life. I sure did.

I appreciated them a lot more when I got out as it paid a large part of my college education.

 

[ugeauxgirl]

Somebody removed a post from this thread. It was pretty personal. I wanted to say thanks. It was helpful (and comforting to me). I can't remember who posted it, but thanks.

 

[ivinsfan]

Does genetics play any role in this? DH's family 3 boys one girl, 9 kids,

All have degrees 8 have BS or higher, one has an advanced two years welding degree, he's a supervisor at a national welding company. The other 8 all have white collar, public service management roles.. those kids are 3 girls,, 6 boys.. 8 of the 9 left home the summer after HS and did not return.

DH's 3 brothers, two farm, a 100+ years of family farming. One owns an independent service shop. The sister was a partner in an accounting firm.

Did these kids just watch and follow the independent work ethic they saw in their parents and extended family or is there some secret genetic key to this.

Believe me none of the 8 of us were perfect parents and those kids were not perfect kids. Something seem to just kick in when they left HS.

 

[Librarian]

I have 3 young adults & they were as different as night & day so it can't be parenting...

25 YO--always did what needed to be done. Worked hard but not harder than necessary. Says he probably schmoozed most of his grades up a grade just by getting to know the prof. Finished his Master's in Sports Psych last year. Taking a year in CA w/ a friend so friend could try to break into the music biz (crappy year to do that). Was working at Nike for 6 wks when they closed. Luckily Nike is paying him still & he has funds to pay bills...for now. He has spoken of getting a 2nd Master's (sports/business combo_ that would laser point him to a job in a collegiate athletic department.

DD22. Freaky smart. Major type a personality (no idea where she got that). Child has made goals her whole life, always asked what she needed to do to get X (make drill team, student council, scholarships, etc). First B+ (HS Jr) DEVASTATED her. Just gradated from TCU (DS25 went there also) w/ Honors= BS in Strategic Communication, minors in writing & graphic design. She has worked for a dance studio since it opened 3 years ago; it has grown 10X+ so they are hiring her as their manager--she is the owner's right hand gal. She plans to do freelanch graphic design as well. I never worry about her (tho some anxiety...again, it wasn't us!)

DS19. LOL. This child did NO more than was every asked. EVERY semester Gr. 6-12 that child had a C or a D at midterms & we always had to have a talk & he always brought it to a B. When he started at UNL last fall, he moved into a fraternity & within 48 hours knew that living there was not in his best scholastic interest. We were very impressed with his maturity in that decision. Moved into a dorm, still belongs to the fraternity & has actually stayed on top of his grades this year--all As & Bs. He did admit that he much prefers in person classes.

SUPER different kids all raised in a very similar environment. And totally fits who they are. I do believe parents have an impact (I'm an elementary librarian--trust me, THEY DO). But I also know after being a teacher & mother that each child is born with different nuances. All we can do is create the strongest foundation that we can & pray!

 

[Amethyst]

And it isn't birth order, either. I resemble my elder brother (13.5 years older) in my approach to work, much more than our sister (6.5 years older). He and I have always worked hard and done what was expected, simply because...that's what we do. She requires more personal motivation. She can seem very lazy until her motivation button gets pushed, and then...watch out!

My unscientific, probably impolite theory asserts that people aren't thoroughbreds, we're mutts. There's just no telling how we'll turn out, although, as with any mutt, kind treatment usually produces better behavior.

I have 3 young adults & they were as different as night & day so it can't be parenting...

25 YO--always did what needed to be done. Worked hard but not harder than necessary. Says he probably schmoozed most of his grades up a grade just by getting to know the prof. Finished his Master's in Sports Psych last year. Taking a year in CA w/ a friend so friend could try to break into the music biz (crappy year to do that). Was working at Nike for 6 wks when they closed. Luckily Nike is paying him still & he has funds to pay bills...for now. He has spoken of getting a 2nd Master's (sports/business combo_ that would laser point him to a job in a collegiate athletic department.

DD22. Freaky smart. Major type a personality (no idea where she got that). Child has made goals her whole life, always asked what she needed to do to get X (make drill team, student council, scholarships, etc). First B+ (HS Jr) DEVASTATED her. Just gradated from TCU (DS25 went there also) w/ Honors= BS in Strategic Communication, minors in writing & graphic design. She has worked for a dance studio since it opened 3 years ago; it has grown 10X+ so they are hiring her as their manager--she is the owner's right hand gal. She plans to do freelanch graphic design as well. I never worry about her (tho some anxiety...again, it wasn't us!)

DS19. LOL. This child did NO more than was every asked. EVERY semester Gr. 6-12 that child had a C or a D at midterms & we always had to have a talk & he always brought it to a B. When he started at UNL last fall, he moved into a fraternity & within 48 hours knew that living there was not in his best scholastic interest. We were very impressed with his maturity in that decision. Moved into a dorm, still belongs to the fraternity & has actually stayed on top of his grades this year--all As & Bs. He did admit that he much prefers in person classes.

SUPER different kids all raised in a very similar environment. And totally fits who they are. I do believe parents have an impact (I'm an elementary librarian--trust me, THEY DO). But I also know after being a teacher & mother that each child is born with different nuances. All we can do is create the strongest foundation that we can & pray!

 

[ddoorn]

Motivation: Al-Anon

I’ll be following this thread. Interesting topic.

For my daughters it was no problem. They had natural motivation to succeed. For my son it’s another matter entirely. He seems to have little to no motivation.

I’d say I definitely don’t think the third option you list has merit.

Lack of motivation for my son comes from severe social anxiety and what I think is undiagnosed depression. Mixed with addiction in the form of alcoholism. For many years I tried to encourage, cajole, shame, criticize, scold, and do anything else to move the dial within him. None of it worked. Now, for years I’ve pretty much backed off entirely. He’s 24 now. But the result is no different. Regardless of what I do, from nagging to ignoring, it makes no difference. His lack of motivation and action to move his life forward in any meaningful or positive direction remains. I’m sick about it, but all I can do is pray for him and love him within the context he lives.

He was furloughed in the early days of Covid shutdowns. He went on UI and quickly figured out that he’s making more unemployed than when he was working. He hasn’t lifted a finger to job search since he made this realization. I’m sick about it but just observe from a distance and hope for the best for him. I read the new stimulus proposal from Democrats proposes extra $600/week through January. I hope that doesn’t happen. If it does my son is effectively retired for a long while.

I hope you can consider checking out Al-Anon as you have more company than you might think! When addiction enters the picture we can often make the mistake of believing that there is something we can do to motivate the addict to stop. Try various Al-Anon support groups as the "flavor" can vary from one to another before you find a group that "fits."

There are online Al-Anon groups as well.

Best wishes with your challenging son!

Don

 

[MuirWannabe]

I hope you can consider checking out Al-Anon as you have more company than you might think! When addiction enters the picture we can often make the mistake of believing that there is something we can do to motivate the addict to stop. Try various Al-Anon support groups as the "flavor" can vary from one to another before you find a group that "fits."



There are online Al-Anon groups as well.



Best wishes with your challenging son!



Don

Thanks Don. It’s a great suggestion. In fact, I’ve been attending an Al-Anon group for a little over a year now. It’s been a big help. I like most of the other frequent attenders. And the truths in the readings, slogans, and steps are all helpful. I think I’d trade just about anything if my prodigal son would turn his life around. But his situation having brought me to this group, it has improved the strength of my faith, which is a blessing in the midst of all this.

 

[ddoorn]

I’m so happy for you to have found your Al-Anon family! <3