Advice on Acceptance

[Elbata]

Maybe not comparable but here's my story:

Parents flew from East coast to CA for my wedding. The day before my mom and I are hanging out by the pool. I mention something to my mom and she says, "you know, you don't have to go through with it". That's all she ever said.

I was kind of shocked by the statement, but didn't give it much attention. One thing my mom knew was to not to tell me how to live my life.

Looking back, she was right and it was the biggest mistake in my life. I wonder if she and dad sat me down and told me to give it some more thought and that they didn't mind if I backed out, if things might have been different. Even my grandmother flew out and I just didn't want to upset all involved.

 

[Meadbh]

Maybe not comparable but here's my story:

Parents flew from East coast to CA for my wedding. The day before my mom and I are hanging out by the pool. I mention something to my mom and she says, "you know, you don't have to go through with it". That's all she ever said.

Reminds me of the story told about (then 20 year old) Lady Diana Spencer when she was about to marry Prince Charles (then 37). She was actually musing whether to go ahead with the wedding. But then someone said "but you're on the tea-towels now". The rest is history. But if we never made any mistakes, we would miss many good experiences.

 

[MuirWannabe]

Reminds me of the story told about (then 20 year old) Lady Diana Spencer when she was about to marry Prince Charles (then 37). She was actually musing whether to go ahead with the wedding. But then someone said "but you're on the tea-towels now". The rest is history. But if we never made any mistakes, we would miss many good experiences.

And a lot of bad experiences too!

But I understand your point.

 

[FUEGO]

OP, who knows, maybe you can cozy up to the son in law to be and provide a little gentle positive guidance in the "get your ass in gear" department. I don't mean for you to be hard on him, but maybe he's never been around a successful person before (I assume you're successful if you're posting here!).

Maybe he's never considered working hard for a couple years in college as something worthwhile that would lead to great rewards. Maybe he doesn't know how or why having a decent career is important. Of course your DD might be in a better position than you. Just don't close the door to a relationship with the SIL.

 

[MichaelB]

It's not easy being a parent. When your children are young you must teach them and keep then safe, once they've grown you need to watch as they make choices and live their lives. Hopefully, however you choose to proceed, your relationship with your daughter will flourish, unaffected.

 

[Sarah in SC]

Hard to admit, but I was that person to the parents of the guy I dated after high school, because I wasn't college bound like the rest of my private school graduate peers.

It stung at the time, but I got over it and over him later when things didn't work out.

And when my own parents thought my next boyfriend wasn't good enough for me, I told him not to take it too personally. And just celebrated our 20th anniversary in September.

 

[Dd852]

I was no prize at 23 when I met the woman who became my wife. Yet 30 years later we are FIREd. You can't tell how stories will end

 

[Amethyst]

She's 24 and self-supporting, not 20 and dependent on you. Let it go.

Amethyst

 

[project2501]

Heading out in a min but just enough time to scrap this thought together.

One professional per household isn't the end of the world. Sometimes I think we focus too much on just finance alone we might miss other things in life.
My parents were always supportive. Even after we divorced and got back together again unmarried the parents went along cautious at first. They then saw some insight getting to know us better. They realized we are very happy and our current arrangement works even better than the marriage.
Today:
Far as figures for finance, I'm the bread winner at over 200k/yr. She never graduated HS and works at a chain store/restaurant pulling in about 15k/yr. I still love her and save enough for both of us. No kids allows this to be much easier.

Nobody can see the future, only try to predict it. Just always be there.

 

[Midpack]

I was no prize at 23 when I met the woman who became my wife. Yet 30 years later we are FIREd. You can't tell how stories will end

Indeed, but it's perfectly understandable why parents want to go with the probabilities for their children's relationships, and not the exceptions. There's little question the odds for financial success/family support for a college grad are better than for a high school grad with no plans/ambition (as the OP describes) - probably even more true today than when you and I were 20-somethings. I am not defending the OP for actively intervening at all, but the facts support their views in general. It may work out wonderfully, and we all hope it does I'm sure...

 

[Live And Learn]

I am your daughter to some degree. I am college educated, was the primary bread winner, and married a wonderful man who had a high school education and trade school. We continue to share the same priorities in life, and he has been and continues after 35 years of marriage to be a supportive and loving husband, father, and now we share the joy of being grandparents.

My dad was a lawyer. My mother "expected me" to marry a "professional" man. My dad stayed quiet but was always supportive.

Our daughter married 7 years ago. He was a "nice kid", still slogging through college after 6 years, and delivering pizza to support himself. Said he did not want to graduate with debt. Well, we trusted our daughter and supported them. We now see him as the son we never had. He is the envy of all DD friends, he works full time, and fully shares household and childcare responsibilities with DD. We truly love the man...

Lastly, my sister married "the professional" that mom and dad always envisioned for us. He is a good man and kind. But in the end, did little to be involved with kids, was not appreciative of my sister, and they divorced (though remain friends) after about 15 years of marriage. My mom is still not over it.

So, understand that at a young age, we generally change. We grow together or we grow apart. Love and support enhance, friction adds nothing. 9 months is not a lot of time, but she will have to make the decisions. Be there to support and nurture, and help her down the road as needed. At 24, they are still trying to be independent, and your thoughts have been shared.

Great stories and GREAT post

 

[aja8888]

I know of a young man that was fresh out of the Air Force (enlisted man), broke, and working odd jobs at the time, who fell in love with a young girl who was about to graduate college and start a teaching career. She came from a fine middle class family and had sisters and brothers that were all successful (she was the youngest). He came from a poor family who did not have one person with a college degree or professional job or career (or two nickles to rub together, as we used to say). Young girl’s family was not pleased with this situation, but tolerated it.

Eventually, they married and moved away from the Midwest as she landed a teaching position back east. Well, over the years, the young man and the elementary school teacher lived in cheap apartments and saved some money. He started college at 26+ years old and she supported him teaching while working on her Master’s degree at night.

Four years later, he graduated top of his class in engineering and she continued to teach. He went on to get an MBA in finance and eventually work for a large oil company in a high paying corporate position.

Sometimes things work out even when the “fit” doesn't meet your norm. That Air Force guy was me.

 

[Amethyst]

I know of a young man that was fresh out of the Air Force (enlisted man), broke, and working odd jobs at the time, who fell in love with a young girl who was about to graduate college and start a teaching career. She came from a fine middle class family and had sisters and brothers that were all successful (she was the youngest). He came from a poor family who did not have one person with a college degree or professional job or career (or two nickles to rub together, as we used to say). Young girl’s family was not pleased with this situation, but tolerated it.

Eventually, they married and moved away from the Midwest as she landed a teaching position back east. Well, over the years, the young man and the elementary school teacher lived in cheap apartments and saved some money. He started college at 26+ years old and she supported him teaching while working on her Master’s degree at night.

Four years later, he graduated top of his class in engineering and she continued to teach. He went on to get an MBA in finance and eventually work for a large oil company in a high paying corporate position.

Sometimes things work out even when the “fit” doesn't meet your norm. That Air Force guy was me.