Cutting back contact with family

[BoodaGazelle]

DW is dealing with her elderly parents right now. She is their financial POA and has been dealing with her father in ALF, hospital and rehab. It is very stressful for her, and she had to go to the ER two weeks ago because her BP was very high (over 190).

She has 3 sisters and one brother. She is the oldest female, at 63. She has been telling me for a while now that after her parents are gone, she wants to completely cut off all contact with her siblings (really all family).

She says that she is "different", and neither wants nor needs contact with anyone, except for yours truly (DH). She has taken care of people and played the role but now she says she is done. We have bailed her parents out financially for many years, and that has caused us some stress. For 20 years, we have hosted the siblings and their kids at our beach houses and gotten very little thanks for it. These visits end up making DW work like a chambermaid and she resents that.

I *sort of* see this in her, but sort of not. I believe that her younger sisters love her, and would be devastated by this move. The brother is another story.

I have recommended that instead of a formal letter announcing her plan, that we simply "go silent" for emails and phone calls for a while, without stating her real reason.

She admits that she is not 100% on this, and looks to me to help figure out what to do, or at least how to soften this.

I am willing to go along but have had very good relations with her family for all of the 38 years we have been married. I do not necessarily think this is a great idea, but at the least want to make it less personal if that is possible.

Has anyone else done this? I.e. cut off ties like this? Or has it happened to you?

 

[Jerry1]

Has anyone else done this? I.e. cut off ties like this?

Too personal to get into but trust me, it's not good for anyone. Find a way to take a break and let things settle. Cutting off family is rough and then, once you think you may want to reengage, guess what, they don't. Just do whatever you can to not let this happen.

 

[mickj]

It is very hard to set boundaries with family, seems like that might be best though.

 

[W2R]

Too personal to get into but trust me, it's not good for anyone. Find a way to take a break and let things settle. Cutting off family is rough and then, once you think you may want to reengage, guess what, they don't. Just do whatever you can to not let this happen.

+1

Later on in life she may change her mind. Family is family and she may feel more desire to contact them in a few decades.

I'd suggest just "being too busy" to get together in person, and being slow enough to respond to emails and letters and phone messages that they gradually stop contacting her.

 

[BoodaGazelle]

Thanks all so far... I hope when the time comes we just do the "cutting back" trick...

 

[golfnut]

Suggest simply let her determine where this is going.

 

[Sunset]

I would opt for the too busy ploy, unless the family called to invite you to their place.

Let them take a turn for a while, it might be relaxing.

 

[Gumby]

It helps if you move 1000 miles away from the rest of the family.

 

[braumeister]

DW finally cut off contact with her brother, her only close relative, a couple of years ago, much to my relief. As Gumby said, living 1,000 miles away is a wonderful thing. They guy is one of the strangest people you'll ever encounter, and he always has his hand out. She finally had enough of it, and I applaud her for it.

My closest living relatives are a few cousins, also 1,000 miles away. Most of them are pretty nice people, but the distance is definitely a good thing.

There is an old saying, that you can pick your friends but not your relatives. My feeling is that when you get old enough you can pick which relatives you want to be friends with and which you don't.

 

[Aerides]

In your shoes I would follow her lead rather than be the deciding influence. You don't want to be on the wrong end of "well you pushed me to do it" 10 years from now.

More often, when we ask for input, we ask for affirmation and support.

And the good news is she doesn't need to make any decisions now, so if anything I'd say one thing at a time, and let's just focus on her parents. After they are gone she might feel differently, and even if she does, she can cut back for a while before she really decides to cut off.

Tough spot, but this has to be her decision.

 

[street]

That is a tough subject. I have one half sister and she is about 76 years and we keep in touch about every two weeks. I love her to death and would by no means ever hope to not have a connection to her.

I do have a few aunts and one uncle left and never have any contact with them. One very very rich aunt that is about 93 or better. She tries to have a connection but I don't really want to get involved. I should they have always been good to me but I don't want too.

I might add that we always didn't have a real good relationship. Once our mother passed away I made it a point to stay in contact with her at all costs. She is the only blood I have left here and we have one huge thing in common and that was our great loving mother.

 

[jollystomper]

I have recommended that instead of a formal letter announcing her plan, that we simply "go silent" for emails and phone calls for a while, without stating her real reason.

She admits that she is not 100% on this, and looks to me to help figure out what to do, or at least how to soften this.

I am willing to go along but have had very good relations with her family for all of the 38 years we have been married. I do not necessarily think this is a great idea, but at the least want to make it less personal if that is possible.

Has anyone else done this? I.e. cut off ties like this? Or has it happened to you?

I take a different view. If you have that much of a disagreement with a sibling, rather than just stop communicating, I would talk with them first. In person or over the phone, and explain your feelings I never liked the idea of slinking off without explaining ones position and reasoning. It may be tough in the short run, and met with coldness. But at least they know the truth. And you never know what seeds you may have planted.

DW's youngest brother and her had a major rift. This brother also had a major rift with another of DW's sisters. It got so bad that when their father died, this brother refused to go to any of the services. I had spoken to him, offering to pay his travel and hotel room if he would just be present, but he turned me down (he was also polite to me, I don't know why). She stopped communicating with for about years. When organizing DW's 50th birthday party and I brought him up as someone to invite, DW responded "I don't want him here. I don't want to see him again. I wish he were dead!" To this day DW says the look I gave her was one she had never seen me give her before, and one she never wanted to see me give her again.

DW decided to get in touch with him to explain her problems with him. And they still clashed. But at least he knew her feelings. They ended up reconciling bout 5 years after that when, after a major heart attack and stroke, he was on life support, she went to see him, spoke his name, and he opened his eyes and asked what was she doing there. It shocked the nurses and doctors.

Their relationship evolved into more of a love/hate relationship, they would have their moments of high frustration with each other, but they would not last. A year ago this month, he asked both of us to be in his wedding. Tragically, just a few weeks before the wedding, he died suddenly of a heart attack. DW is still grieving his loss - but she is very comforted that they were talking again, even though they did not see eye to eye on everything.

In contrast, DW's sister that I mentioned earlier never tried to reconcile. Now she does not want to hear his name mentioned... and will hang up or walk away if she hears it. It is as if she is now tortured by having ignored him. I have only heard her say "I didn't think he would die before me".

 

[PaunchyPirate]

I totally understand how the OP’s DW feels. Assuming that I outlive my 83 year old mother, I fully intend to put more distance (geographic and/or personal contact) between myself and my 3 siblings when she passes. I have nothing in common with them. 2 of them are annoying people to be around. I haven’t decided on my final retirement location yet. I’m single, so it’s my choice.

I don’t see myself making a big deal about it. I’ll just move and rarely come back or just reduce reasons to see them.

 

[JDARNELL]

Cutting off family is rough and then, once you think you may want to reengage, guess what, they don't.

Spot on. We have a family member who chose to leave our lives a few years ago and now wants back in. We ask ourself if this is a person that we would want in our life if they weren’t a relative. It’s a resounding No.

We aren’t interested in going down this path. Be careful what you ask for you may get it.

 

[anothercog]

My Mom was feeling the same way just before and after my Grandmother died. Though once she and some time passed, the stresses that my Mom and her siblings were under began to fade and they still have a relationship.

 

[BoodaGazelle]

agreed

I totally understand how the OP’s DW feels. Assuming that I outlive my 83 year old mother, I fully intend to put more distance (geographic and/or personal contact) between myself and my 3 siblings when she passes. I have nothing in common with them. 2 of them are annoying people to be around. I haven’t decided on my final retirement location yet. I’m single, so it’s my choice.

I don’t see myself making a big deal about it. I’ll just move and rarely come back or just reduce reasons to see them.

These are almost exactly her feelings.

 

[BoodaGazelle]

Thanks again for more responses. Remember I am not pushing her to do anything, except to be a decent human being and not unnecessarily hurt them.

One way to describe DW is: the anti-Facebook. She wants to keep her (our) business to herself, and really does not care about your grandkids (or grand-nephews) soccer games.

You may judge her harshly, but she is happy living with just the two of us (we have no children).

 

[Teacher Terry]

I haven’t been close to my siblings in years. I wouldn’t chose them as friends. My sister and I email and I have no contact with my brother. If I go back to the Midwest to visit friends I have lunch with my sister.

 

[Pellice]

I'd suggest just "being too busy" to get together in person, and being slow enough to respond to emails and letters and phone messages that they gradually stop contacting her.

I think that rather than the "too busy" ploy, she might try conveying the opposite, that she has simply become "too worn out" and needs some time to recuperate. DH could convey that she really needs time to regroup and have her own needs prioritized for a while.

That would either scare the rest of the family off or encourage them to try to be supportive.

PS: re: the anti-FB - the "like" button is your friend. You explain that you aren't on FB that much, and then when you see a random grandchild post, you simply hit the "like" button.

 

[Souschef]

+1 on distance. My sister lives on the East Coast and I am in CA. I call her once a week to see how she is doing, and get the update on her and the family, many of whom I have never met.
She got the proceeds from my mom's condo after she died, and my thought was she earned it! Since she was closer, she handled all of mom's affairs.

 

[O2Bfree]

For 20 years, we have hosted the siblings and their kids at our beach houses and gotten very little thanks for it. These visits end up making DW work like a chambermaid and she resents that.

I *sort of* see this in her, but sort of not. I believe that her younger sisters love her, and would be devastated by this move. The brother is another story.

Perhaps she could let her sibs know that all the work required to host at the beach house plus all the work plus the financial burden taking care of the parents have worn her out and she needs a break. Maybe the sisters at least would take the cue that older sis is older now and it's time for the younger sibs to step up.

In my experience, when one person busts their tail to serve others who are capable of helping but don't, the others tend to assume that person delights in doing it and gets a big charge from serving them. The others might not even consider that it's "work", but rather just something that person would do anyways, and it's no problem for them to just go along for the ride.

 

[rk911]

together we don't have much in the way of immediate family. i have a sister, her husband, their son and his wife. my wife has a brother who was here with us for about 3-weeks ober christmas and new years. he'll be back sometime this summer. my sister refuses to be with us or her son. choices. we never spent much time together pre end-of-the-world other than at christmas. we occasionally speak on tne phone or text. so not much change there.

 

[BoodaGazelle]

@O2BFree

I like the idea of just stating that she needs a break. The "break" may come to an end, or it may not.

 

[MarieIG]

Everybody's situation is different.

Your wife is exhausted, over-burdened, stressed-out, resentful from shouldering the burden, disgusted and suffering from low level depression whether she knows it or not.

I suspect from the initial post, that you know which siblings actually care about your wife, and which one doesn't.

My opinion is that the siblings should be advised that DW is absolutely exhausted from carrying the burden of the parents. For example, if one of the little sisters call, you could even tell them that DW is resting, and you know she is absolutely exhausted . . .

With regard to staying at the Beach House, that's a flat-out-"No". Again, you and dear wife have to be ready for the request, and the response is "No, we are not having visitors, even family [-]this year,[/-] DW's health will NOT allow it."

There is no need for a dramatic letter; and when the time comes, it is easy enough to cut back. After all, they don't live in the same house.

P.S. Re-read the first post. Edited to remove "this year" with regard to the Beach House. They should have picked up after themselves, cleaned the Beach House at the end of their stay, and taken you both out to dinner and bought groceries.

 

[Out-to-Lunch]

I recall a good line from Annie Lamott's "Bird by Bird":

And at this point I told her, as kindly as possible, that I needed a sabbatical from our friendship.