Getting an elderly parent to give up living alone

[Carbon8]

My parents are 90 and living together in their own home. My DF would be comfortable with assisted living but DM will never leave her home willingly. Fortunately both are in good (probably excellent for 90) physical and mental condition for now. I am a 4-hour flight + 2-hour drive away. I go to see them 3 times a year and stay for a week+ each visit which, so far, has been sufficient to gauge how they are doing. My siblings are not much closer but currently lack the flexibility to visit as often or on short notice if needed. My parents have standing arrangements with a yard man and a general contractor for home maintenance and repairs. They also have a small network of friends who can get them to appointments, church, grocery shopping and the like. As a transportation back-up they use a service called (no kidding) "Go Go Grandma" which will arrange for Uber pick-ups via a landline.

I used to worry a lot about falls and nutrition and other things many posters have mentioned or experienced with their parents. But the longer I've observed them the more I've come to accept their happiness depends a lot on their freedom to choose and that my "protecting" them might make *me* feel better but it would do nothing for their quality of life.

Recently I read a book, Being Mortal (Medicine and What Matters In the End) by Atul Gawande. Dr. Gawande is an American surgeon out of Boston and a great storyteller. This makes the book very enjoyable to read. The book provided (for me at least) an eye-opening point of view on why our parents want to live in their own homes. Gawande also provides some interesting alternatives on how to make that happen - even under some pretty dire circumstances. The book was published circa 2014 so I should think some of those alternatives are more available than they were even when he wrote it.

To the OP: I highly recommend you and your siblings read the aforementioned book. Best of luck with your situation!

 

[samcat]

My parents will be 88 this year. They live in a 1400 square foot single level condo with an elevator to the garage.

Mom has full blown dementia. Dad takes care of her with my husband and I supplementing with dinner invitations, tech help, visits, going to doctor appointments, etc.

My sibling lives overseas and is no help.

I've told dad that if he goes first, she is moving to a memory care facility nearby.

I toured it and it is very nice. After I took the tour, I said "who wouldn't want to live here?" The gal said that her mom lived at home until the end and she regrets not looking at an assisted living facility for her mom.

My dad is even open to moving to one when he needs to. I think I'm very lucky!

 

[Teacher Terry]

Short of picking them up and physically extracting them from the house, I'm not sure what else I could have done. Personally, I was surprised that after two hospital visits for my dad from falling, that no type of social services stepped in. I was kind of hoping for that. To live in their house, my dad should have had a major refurbish to make it more safe. I wish social services would have came by and helped with the pressure to make that happen.

As a former social worker they don’t get involved unless the person has dementia. Adults are free to live unsafely and make their own decisions.

 

[lawman]

Adults are free to live unsafely and make their own decisions.

Thank God

 

[Jerry1]

As a former social worker they don’t get involved unless the person has dementia. Adults are free to live unsafely and make their own decisions.

Part of his problem was dementia. He couldn’t remember to use a cane or a walker. After two ER visits for falling, it just seems like someone should have taken additional interest. Doesn’t matter now. His third fall was his last.

 

[ncbill]

After more than a decade of behavior that went from eccentric to weird to bizarre Mom was finally diagnosed with dementia around age 50.

She would get very anxious & leave her house so I tried hiring a live-in companion.

But that worked for maybe six months so I finally got her into a brand new, locked ALF.

She still managed to escape from there twice.

Within 18 months after placing her in that ALF her ability to perform ADLs had declined to the point she had to go to a SNF.

And soon she was bedridden, simply due to the progression of her dementia.

Sadly, because she was so young she lived nearly a decade more in that condition.

 

[Mr._Graybeard]

At the risk of having stones thrown at me I'll even say that it is selfish for some elderly to expect their family to give everything they have to take care of them so that they can die at home.

Looking back on my experience tending to an elderly parent, I wonder if some folks have a third party who could come in and tactfully explain to them how they're turning their children's lives upside down. I don't think they see that sometimes. A clergyman, perhaps, or a sibling if one remains.

Both of my parents have been gone for some time now. When Mom was failing, she told my sister and me that she and Dad had had a talk and decided that above all else, they didn't want to become a burden on their children.

Of course a person with dementia is hard to convince that their lifestyle is unsustainable. Dad thought I was his long-dead brother, but he occasionally had periods of lucidity. On one such occasion he gave me his car keys -- later on he accused me of taking them from him. On a second occasion, he said, "I can't keep living like this," and we got him into AL in a hurry.

 

[Mark2024]

We are actually in one of those difficult situation - over 90 years old family member without any resources and does not speak much English. Will not be able to afford assistant living and probably could not survive without the way to communicate.

So we stay home.

 

[aja8888]

We are actually in one of those difficult situation - over 90 years old family member without any resources and does not speak much English. Will not be able to afford assistant living and probably could not survive without the way to communicate.

So we stay home.

Both my parents were in that same situation. Mom hung on with mild dementia and finally her kidneys failed. Dad just finished himself off with a daily quart of vodka. Fortunately, they didn't drive, my Sis helped out (lived nearby) and the liquor store was right across the street from them.

 

[Stormy Kromer]

Everyone is fighting a battle.

We aren't in this alone.

 

[Librarian]

I understand

Mom passed 2 yrs ago after a year long battle with cancer.
A few months into her diagnosis she suggested they sell their 3K foot home & move into an independent living facility or even an apartment. She knew he would be living alone sooner than later & wanted to ease the process. He is a mobility risk (uses a walker) & knew he couldn't do laundry (basement) or clean. He refused (a lot of denial from him & he hates change) So I warned him that when she did pass things would move fast when she did pass as we all knew he couldn't live alone there.

Mom fell & he couldn't get her up soon before she passed. I think this was a wake up call for him about what he couldn't do--and how much she had been doing for him for a few years.

We moved him to assisted living a month after her funeral. He could have done independent in the same facility but we weren't sure at the time. We got lucky to get a place that is near both my brother & our home, is newer & fairly spacious AND--HE LIKES IT! He doesn't do many activities, but comes down down for 3 meals & day & has friends he socializes with at those--they are important to him! He still has friends come get him to go out their local coffee spot 2x/wk & dinner once a week. If I am in town, I take him to is medical appointments, otherwise a good friend of his does.

We never thought he would adjust so well to losing her or moving there.
Of course the 1st 6 mos. or so were the hardest--the grief of losing her as well as moving from their home of 40 years plus not knowing anyone yet made it the hardest time. But it has only gotten better.

 

[PatrickA5]

Never could get Dad to move to AL. So, we dealt with it best we could. Several times he fell and couldn't get up, so he'd call me (or 911) and I'd come over and get him up off the floor. Then we'd have the "talk" again and he'd refused to move or to hire help. He had one last fall just before his 97th birthday. He was on the floor for 18 hours, but couldn't reach the phone that was inches away. After a week in the hospital and 2 days in a nursing home, he passed. I honestly feel he would have had a much more enjoyable (and less lonely) last few years if he would have just moved to a nice AL place.

I got him one of those "life alert" pendants, but he would never wear it. Even after the one fall where he said it took him 4 hours to inch his way to the phone.

 

[Mr._Graybeard]

Mom passed 2 yrs ago after a year long battle with cancer.
A few months into her diagnosis she suggested they sell their 3K foot home & move into an independent living facility or even an apartment. She knew he would be living alone sooner than later & wanted to ease the process. He is a mobility risk (uses a walker) & knew he couldn't do laundry (basement) or clean. He refused (a lot of denial from him & he hates change) So I warned him that when she did pass things would move fast when she did pass as we all knew he couldn't live alone there.

Mom fell & he couldn't get her up soon before she passed. I think this was a wake up call for him about what he couldn't do--and how much she had been doing for him for a few years.

We moved him to assisted living a month after her funeral. He could have done independent in the same facility but we weren't sure at the time. We got lucky to get a place that is near both my brother & our home, is newer & fairly spacious AND--HE LIKES IT! He doesn't do many activities, but comes down down for 3 meals & day & has friends he socializes with at those--they are important to him! He still has friends come get him to go out their local coffee spot 2x/wk & dinner once a week. If I am in town, I take him to is medical appointments, otherwise a good friend of his does.

We never thought he would adjust so well to losing her or moving there.
Of course the 1st 6 mos. or so were the hardest--the grief of losing her as well as moving from their home of 40 years plus not knowing anyone yet made it the hardest time. But it has only gotten better.

I think it is pretty common for adjustment to assisted living coming pretty easily. Once you're having people cook and clean for you, it's clearly a pretty sweet deal -- especially after struggling to go it "alone."

The social aspect can be an unexpected plus. People tend to shrink their social network as they age. Some planned activities and exposure to people with similar life histories can be a welcome change, especially after losing a life partner.

 

[Librarian]

Exactly

I think it is pretty common for adjustment to assisted living coming pretty easily. Once you're having people cook and clean for you, it's clearly a pretty sweet deal -- especially after struggling to go it "alone."

The social aspect can be an unexpected plus. People tend to shrink their social network as they age. Some planned activities and exposure to people with similar life histories can be a welcome change, especially after losing a life partner.

We know this...but convincing them can be tough.

I have come to learn that autonomy is tough to give up--and not surprisingly.
Soon after he moved in he told me that he had not been able to feel the "foot-feet" (accelerator) in the car for 2 years, "and your mother knew it"--WHAAAT?
But she was doing SO much for him, I think she could NOT fathom if he gave up driving.
I realized that HE had to make that decision...and luckily he did soon after (I think he had a close call driving that woke him up).

We fell blessed that he has adjusted so well.
My brother's MIL is in the independent side of the same facility--and one of her children stays with here there each night as she has begun to have panic attacks & paranoia recently.

Parenting parents is hard--but goodness knows parenting us was too.
Lucky to have the resources & temperment to do it.

 

[Spock]

I think it is pretty common for adjustment to assisted living coming pretty easily. Once you're having people cook and clean for you, it's clearly a pretty sweet deal -- especially after struggling to go it "alone."

The social aspect can be an unexpected plus. People tend to shrink their social network as they age. Some planned activities and exposure to people with similar life histories can be a welcome change, especially after losing a life partner.

An easy transition depends a lot on if it was their idea to move or not and the individual personality.
If they were "forced" in (in denial that they needed to) they're likely just going to sit and bitch no matter how nice the facility/staff/food. My observation might be biased with dad having dementia. MIL transitioned a little better, but it was still grudgingly.

 

[Mr._Graybeard]

An easy transition depends a lot on if it was their idea to move or not and the individual personality.
If they were "forced" in (in denial that they needed to) they're likely just going to sit and bitch no matter how nice the facility/staff/food. My observation might be biased with dad having dementia. MIL transitioned a little better, but it was still grudgingly.

That may be a man thing. The Duke didn't take no handouts.

I get it. I spent two years ferrying hot lunches to Dad because he suspected the Meals on Wheels folks of evil intentions. And then he found a girlfriend in AL. I saw more than a couple of grumpy old men there.

 

[Scuba]

This is one of the most difficult issues we face in life. It’s important to remember the observations we’re making here when we find ourselves as the older parent with children worried about us. Will we be easier to deal with?

A senior parent wants to remain in their home for any number of reasons. It’s important to understand the specific, real reason(s) and address them. They may be

- She doesn’t want to burden her children.
- She doesn’t want to give up control over how she lives her life.
- He can’t afford an independent or assisted living option
- He has a preconceived notion that a retirement facility is an unpleasant place to live.
- Her network and social circle is still strong and important to her.
- He’s afraid to make a change

These are legitimate objections. A long, honest, empathetic conversation with mom or dad can help understand the specific objections. That’s the key to finding an alternative that can be acceptable.

In my mum’s case, she had years of experience as a public health nurse dealing with seniors and very familiar with assisted living facilities, so she was adamant against it. Dementia clouded her judgment, however, so we enlisted her primary care physician to help. When the PCP and her neurologist both suggested she would be better off in an ALF she agreed to consider it. There is no doubt in my mind that move has extended her life.

There are good independent living facilities with good assisted living options. They’re not inexpensive but they do exist.

Excellent post - understanding the root reasons for objections can be very helpful.

 

[Scuba]

I feel lucky that MIL finally realized on her own that she needed help. She had a panic attack one night when she wasn’t feeling well and went to her neighbor’s home and then didn’t recognize the neighbor although they had been friends for 15 years. After that, she realized she was not capable of living alone. She voluntarily moved into Memory Care.

Now, she appreciates having all of her meals prepared and everything taken care of. She doesn’t love the food and she’s lost 17 Lbs. She wasn’t overweight so this is concerning. At least her meds are being managed for her, and we no longer have to worry about her being a danger to herself or others. She has accepted that she needs to stay in the care facility, and isn’t mad about moving in there.