Getting an elderly parent to give up living alone

[cbo111]

I'm sure many of you have experienced a scenario where an elderly parent has some type of medical emergency that triggers the inevitable conversation of living alone versus moving in with family or a facility. My DM is approaching 90 and has lived alone for 10+ years since dad passed. And she has done well for most of those years. But recently she took a bone-fracturing spill and needed some inpatient rehab, then home therapy for several weeks. She now gets around with a walker but is quite wobbly. It became clear to us (her 4 children) that she should not live by herself going forward. We have all asked her to move in with one of us. But she always politely declines and says "I plan to die in my own home." She thinks that is a plan. So the kids have a discussion and make a plan to each spend a month living with her on a rotating basis. One month on, three months off. I live on the opposite side of the country, but can make the trip every few months. Kind of a pain, but workable. But looking downstream, if one of my siblings gets ill and cannot do their month, things get a bit more painful. And mom's side of the family has a fair percentage living in their mid 90's. So this arrangement could go on for many years.
I don't want to cause any unnecessary stress but want to get her to make a plan with a timeline to either move in with one of us, or look into assisted living. Any tips or suggestions?

 

[Bigdawg]

Good luck and God bless. Many on here have dealt with ageing/sick family members. Never easy. I would suggest getting a call button system. You know the old advertisement "I've fallen and I can't get up". There may be some local services available to check on her daily. The time to talk to love ones about this stuff was 10-20 years ago. DW and I are 52 and 58 and we are already having these discussions with our adult children. I think the family rotation is fine for a short time, but you all need to put your heads together and come up with some what ifs and other options. Plan's B, C and D. Good luck. I'm sure many others on ER.org will chime in with better advice than what I just gave.

 

[2HOTinPHX]

We had an elderly widowed neighbor who sold his house and moved into a retirement center near by. We visited him a few times and he was very happy with his decision. He said he was tired of cooking for himself and it was time to let someone else take those day to day task over for him. He really enjoyed the activities and the company. There was a small tree lined pond out back and he would call to the ducks and suddenly there were dozen of ducks coming out from the trees over to him to get fed. Perhaps you mom would be open to a place with some company?

 

[aja8888]

Sorry I can't give you any advice. I am going on 81 and living alone.

I don't have a plan that's different from your Mom's. I have one daughter who lives 20 miles away. I really don't want to have to move in with her when the time comes as she has a handful with her family.

I will be following this thread.

 

[lawman]

Having gone through this twice I won't try to tell you what you should do OTHER THAN whatever you do should not just be with her approval but it should be her desire....

 

[latexman]

Is there such a thing as an assisted living facility that will let one test drive it for a week or a month? She might like it.

 

[Teacher Terry]

My mom lived alone until a week before she died from cancer at 89. She wouldn’t consider anything else. It wasn’t safe but it was her decision. In the last few years of her life I flew home to help her when she was sick from chemo and used all my sick and vacation leave.

My 2 older siblings lived much closer and were retired so a few times they stayed a month with her. Now that I am 69 I understand her decision. Rotations are not feasible on a long term basis.

 

[tmm99]

Is there such a thing as an assisted living facility that will let one test drive it for a week or a month? She might like it.

I was wondering about the same thing! I would hate to have already sold my house and be stuck in some place I regret moving into.

 

[Alan]

Is there such a thing as an assisted living facility that will let one test drive it for a week or a month? She might like it.

This is sort of what my sister and her husband managed to do with his mother. She was living in a very big old house in a different town for a few years after her husband died so they convinced her to move into an assisted living place close by them for a few months. It was going to take months to fix up her old house for sale plus even she agreed that it was too big and too remote for her so she really needed to move. The deal was that if the facility didn’t suit her then she could always buy a new place in a new place, preferably in the town they live.

This was now 7 years ago and she actually loves both the facility and the town she is living in, plus close proximity to family, which is actually where we live as well.

 

[Wile E. Coyote]

I think maybe you guys need a backup plan for home health aid or even just a housekeeper who can make meals, etc. ? Even when you are there the 24/7 nature of things you guys may need a break. I believe some help is paid for by Medicare. No?

 

[bigcmagor]

I've been navigating similar water for the last 18 months with my mid and late 80's parents. It's good that you have siblings to help you get through what lies ahead. We have relied heavily on my parent's doctor for advice. Tough decisions are easier to implement when deferring to a higher authority.

I admire those who have taken their parents into their homes in these situations. I'm also grateful that my parents planned for this time financially so that both of our dignity can be spared - somewhat.

 

[pb4uski]

We had an elderly widowed neighbor who sold his house and moved into a retirement center near by. We visited him a few times and he was very happy with his decision. He said he was tired of cooking for himself and it was time to let someone else take those day to day task over for him. He really enjoyed the activities and the company. There was a small tree lined pond out back and he would call to the ducks and suddenly there were dozen of ducks coming out from the trees over to him to get fed. Perhaps you mom would be open to a place with some company?

+1 When DM was late 80s after dad had passed a decade or so earlier, we became concerned about her living alone. The next time the 6 of us were together, we sat down and told her that we were concerned about her continuing to live alone and that we wanted her to move in with one of my sisters (one of her favorites, to the extent that parents have favorites). She resisted but we eventually wore her down and she agreed. She like having another person around.

Later, for whatever reasons, DM living with my sister was wearing on my sisters and we decided that it would be best if DM move to assisted living. At first she was hesitant but ultimately agreed. We sold it as giving my sister more time and freedom.

We found a very nice assisted living facility that was 5-10 minutes from 3 of my 4 sisters and moved her in there. After a short while she was loving it there. My sisters lived close enough that they would frequently call her and pick her up if they were going shopping or just to go out to lunch. Her grandchildren living nearby would stop by occasionally with the great-grandchildren which she and the other residents enjoyed immensely. They had social activities like Jeopardy, bingo, craft activities, etc that she enjoyed.

I'm on record that when the time comes that to have a nice little apartment, a dining hall and activities is the way to go for me.

I had an uncle in a CCRC and he and a few other old guy buddies would meet for breakfast in the dining room every day and have breakfast and talk and then go on to whatever they were doing for the rest of the day and he loved it there.

 

[mystang52]

One immediate compromise that your DM would likely agree to: some 24 hour Life Alert or similar alarm in event of a fall. If you and your siblings are willing to spend a month each on a rotating basis, I'm sure you'd all agree to share the cost. This way, DM doesn't even have an expense and thus no reason t refuse that.

 

[pb4uski]

My mom lived alone until a week before she died from cancer at 89. She wouldn’t consider anything else. It wasn’t safe but it was her decision. ...

Similar story for my DGM. She lived alone and while there was a lot of family nearby, we were also busy with work and our own lives but would stop in periodically to visit.

The staff of the building would periodically spray the units for insects. Their protocol was to knock on the door and then if no response enter with their master key. They found DGM unconscious on the floor and called 911.

As best we could tell, she had fallen, and had been on the floor for about 24 hours. She died less than 6 months later close to her 99th birthday.

FWIW, we have a system with a friend who lives alone. We have a small group text of her and two other couples who are friends and she texts us each morning to let us know she is ok. I usually respond with a thumbs up. I have a daily reminder on my phone at 10 am asking whether she has checked in today. If she hasn't then I text or call her or otherwise chase her down. It works really well and is easy-peasy.

 

[Tetto]

Is there such a thing as an assisted living facility that will let one test drive it for a week or a month? She might like it.

Good idea but probably not feasible. You’d have to move ALL of your furniture and bed etc in for just one week or so stay. That’s a tremendous amount of work. Most places do not provide these things.

 

[Andre1969]

Good idea but probably not feasible. You’d have to move ALL of your furniture and bed etc in for just one week or so stay. That’s a tremendous amount of work. Most places do not provide these things.

My grandmom was in an assisted living facility for a few months. It was a converted Levitt Rancher in Bowie, MD. However, it may not have been what most people think of as "Assisted Living." You got your own private bedroom, furnished. While there were no private bathrooms, with the possible exception of the room that was once the master bedroom, there were several baths. They had staff on duty 24/7 who would cook for you, do cleaning, help you get to the bathroom if needed, help you bathe if needed, and so on. During the day there was a nurse on duty.

The rooms were furnished, with hospital beds, tvs, and dressers IIRC. This was back in late 2014/early 2015, and I seem to recall it was around $2900/mo back then.

I also have a friend whose grandmom lives in some kind of low-income senior citizen housing. I think it's run by a Catholic charity, but not sure. She has her own private 1br/1ba apartment with a kitchen. I don't know what kind of amenities they have; all I know is they have a food pantry that gets so many donations, they have to give food away, themselves, before it spoils. This place, however, doesn't have any kind of medical staff on duty to help you out when you can't take care of yourself.

So I guess there's some kind of assisted living places that fall somewhere in between what my Grandmom was in, and what my friend's Grandmom lives at?

 

[Sarah S]

I know someone who had their mil living with them. Everyone was miserable but she refused going to AL. Then she went for a 2 week respite stay while my friends went on holiday. She loved it and shortly after moved in permanently.

Also in the UK my aunt lived with my cousin. She also went to a care home for respite a few times. When she progressed more my aunt chose to move to the care home permanently as she did not want to burden my cousin.

It is very kind of you and your siblings to go to such lengths to help her stay in her home op but it does seem so disruptive and burdensome to your lives. I would keep looking for other solutions. Good luck

 

[Car-Guy]

I've seen many try but none succeed, with siblings rotating support of a parent for any length of time. (Good Luck) Usually one ends up doing most or all. That often creates other problems.

You can try to get the courts to give you and/or your siblings some control but if she is of sound mind, then "Good Luck". She may not like that either!

Maybe you can convince her to "try" an assistance living facility or at least get some "day help". "Keep gently trying"

I had a similar problems with both of my parents. Neither wanted to move somewhere else, or get any help. In the end it strained our relationships and they got their wishes. Both died at home in their mid 90's about 18mos apart. The sad part (from my POV) they had the money to move into one of the finest assisted living facilities anywhere.

 

[Stormy Kromer]

I was the sole caregiver for my 92 year old DM. She lived alone in her apartment right up til the day she suddenly couldn't.

She went to the hospital one morning when she wasn't feeling good. Diagnosed with leukemia and spent a week in the hospital and they told her she had to go home. In her mind that meant her apartment. That was not possible due to the round the clock care she now required. I got on the phone and was able to get her in a very nice assisted living facility in 3 days. They had one room open and DM had cash to pay full price. They got her in. We set up her room with her own furniture and it was just like "home". They took good care of her, she lived 1 month and 1 day. She got company every day and it went well. It was fortunate since I was developing health trouble and after she passed I crashed.

My only advice to you now is to get her name on the list of some facilities that your family thinks is best TODAY. When the time comes your family will likely be making the decision for her, use your judgement on what is best. When making this decision realize that what it best for your family is likely what is best for her. Its' already later than you think. Get POA and a health directive in order too. Best of luck.

 

[harllee]

I think the idea of each child living with mother for a month is a terrible one. What does it do to your own life? What if one of more of you (or your spouse or children) get sick and you are not able to go? What if you mother needs professional care? I have a 94 year old mother with Alzheimers and I am so grateful that she moved into a nice CCRC many years ago--now she has professional CNA caregivers provided by the CCRC and at some point she will move into memory care. I visit her every other weekend and I can tell you taking care of an elderly parent with health issues is EXHAUSTING and STRESSFUL. No way I could do it 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

 

[LateToFIRE]

I was the sole caregiver for my 92 year old DM. She lived alone in her apartment right up til the day she suddenly couldn't.

She went to the hospital one morning when she wasn't feeling good. Diagnosed with leukemia and spent a week in the hospital and they told her she had to go home. In her mind that meant her apartment. That was not possible due to the round the clock care she now required. I got on the phone and was able to get her in a very nice assisted living facility in 3 days. They had one room open and DM had cash to pay full price. They got her in. We set up her room with her own furniture and it was just like "home". They took good care of her, she lived 1 month and 1 day. She got company every day and it went well. It was fortunate since I was developing health trouble and after she passed I crashed.

My only advice to you now is to get her name on the list of some facilities that your family thinks is best TODAY. When the time comes your family will likely be making the decision for her, use your judgement on what is best. When making this decision realize that what it best for your family is likely what is best for her. Its' already later than you think. Get POA and a health directive in order too. Best of luck.

Best time to execute on the transition to asst living or skilled nursing care is following an incident that provides an excuse to send to the facility instead of directly home, absent that it is very difficult to convince them to try it out.

To the above, if you don't have POA, health directive, etc in place, now is the time to get that done - for you and your siblings sake as well as hers.

I think maybe you guys need a backup plan for home health aid or even just a housekeeper who can make meals, etc. ? Even when you are there the 24/7 nature of things you guys may need a break. I believe some help is paid for by Medicare. No?

This was our initial solution - live in home health aide. Cost will depend on whether you're talking just a housekeeper to cook and clean, or if need a CNA. It's expensive, but not necessarily more expensive than a facility. This worked great until it didn't and medical needs necessitated skilled nursing care in a facility.

 

[Romer]

When my Dad became unable to walk without a walker and couldn't take care of himself, we set up in home care. At first it was 24hours a day, but then we went to 18 hours where they tucked him in and then were there when he got up. They made his meals and took care of him. He had refused to move. This went on for about 18 months until he passed. My brother and I would each take a turn shopping for him and we would each drop by once a week ( we are local). This worked for him and us. I think each living with your Mom for a month really puts a crimp on your life and there may be a better balance. Everything in life is a balance, just figuring out the best one is sometimes the challenge.

 

[Ronstar]

Following this thread. We were going to have MIL move with us to Az 5 years ago. Had an offer on a house. She backed out - said she's never leaving her apartment. She's now 94 still in her apartment, where we (15 minutes away) visit/ resupply her at least 4 times a week. Meanwhile we're still stuck in Illinois.

DW has 2 siblings. SIL (1.5 hours away) handles MIL dr appts and resupplies when we're gone. Maybe 6 times a year. BIL 7 hrs away sees MIL only on holidays.

MIL now with memory issues, but physically ok, seems to be warming up to the idea of assisted living/ nursing home in future, but she says that she's not ready yet.

Elder care lawyer has suggested MIL living 3 months at a time with each of her 3 children. DW is ok with that - not sure about her siblings.

 

[LateToFIRE]

Following this thread. We were going to have MIL move with us to Az 5 years ago. Had an offer on a house. She backed out - said she's never leaving her apartment. She's now 94 still in her apartment, where we (15 minutes away) visit/ resupply her at least 4 times a week. Meanwhile we're still stuck in Illinois.

DW has 2 siblings. SIL (1.5 hours away) handles MIL dr appts and resupplies when we're gone. Maybe 6 times a year. BIL 7 hrs away sees MIL only on holidays.

MIL now with memory issues, but physically ok, seems to be warming up to the idea of assisted living/ nursing home in future, but she says that she's not ready yet.

Elder care lawyer has suggested MIL living 3 months at a time with each of her 3 children. DW is ok with that - not sure about her siblings.

FYI, if she's starting to have memory issues and you think it might be the beginnings of dementia, rotating her between different living environments won't work for very long [in fact it's a terribly uninformed suggestion] and would be distressing for her (and you). Would try to push the AL/NH option. Might want to start getting her on waiting lists, admissions can be quite the ordeal.

 

[HF63]

I been pondering about this same problem w/ my elderly mother. Currently, I pay a girl to visit her for a few hours every day. The final solution is for me to moved back to Mexico and take care of her.